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Year (and a half) finally coming to a close!

I've spent all this time working on deployment to Covid events,starting with Japan and ended with vaccinations. As I told my boss at the hospital I have done my duty and now need to focus on me.

I have seen far more death in 18 months than in 25 years of nursing and it has worn me down. I get anxious just driving to work now and I need to put some effort into healing myself. I used to put my feelings on the back burner, but all I got was singed!

I don't really know what I am going to do, but my options are wide open! My son moved out in January and now I have the house all to myself and I really like living by myself. I haven't done that since the year before I met my last husband and want to take this time to get used to being by myself.

I still have PTSD symptoms, both from my marriage and the events of the past year. I want to see a MH professional, but no one is taking new clients right now. Spending time in health pursuits is my only resource right now. I hope it will be good enough!

All for now! Later...!

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Life during the pandemic, ugh!

First you have to understand my 'other' job. I also.work as a nurse for the federal government in the National Disaster Medic System. I have been in this job since 2003 and have mostly been deployed to hurricanes. This year proved to be quite different.

In February, I was sent to Japan to evacuate the 370 Americans on the Diamond Princess. This had been a cooperation with the State Dept and (I think) only the second time our teams had been sent outside the US, the first being Haiti in 2010. I was one of those sent onto the ship to interview and assess those who would be leaving that night. I know I was there because I showed up on at least 3 YouTube videos.

To say I had some fear going into this assignment was an understatement. Knowing this virus could kill and our only reference was the Ebola outbreak, really made me pause, I could be infected, I could die as a result, both played in my head, but there was a mission, I had to do it. The other part was, I couldn't tell anyone what I did. The fear fact was widespread and I was worried how people would see me or react to me.

Since then, I have been on 3 other missions involving Covid positive patients. Each time, I have been tested and am negative (praise be to masks and handwashing)! People have called me a hero, but I am uncomfortable with that title. I am doing a job, a dangerous one, but one that requires sacrifice and duty to my fellow humans. A job I willingly signed up for and continue to do as needed.

My worries and concerns? My daughter. She spent the majority of her life being isolated for a number of reasons. She is Aspberger autistic and a transition M to F transgender. Along with the mental and physical abuse she suffered from my late ex-husband, she has had a difficult transition into the general society. In the last 2 years, she has been able to make friends, fall in love, suffered 2 bad breakups, got her license and a car, and final broke her last emotional chains when her abusive father died. U began to see the beautiful person she could be and had hope for her future for the first time.

Now the pandemic has hit. She is isolated at home, but still works as an essential worker at a grocery store. She has basically, resumed the life she had once been forced to live. She can, occasionally, see her friends, but the freedom and joy in her life has been reduced to teleconferencing and video games. She comes home drained and quiet and frustrated that she has lost the momentum she has finally achieved.

I worry about her, the loss of companionship, the loneliness, the day after day of sitting on the couch, all the massive gains she finally had made for herself now ripped away. She still meets with her therapist, on line of course, but her day to day existence is so limited. Social interaction that she had finally gained is now lost.

This is my constant worry. I have accepted the 'new life' that Covid has brought, but seeing how it has affected her is killing me! She occasionally has moments of her old self, the laughter, the joking around, and even the discreet meetings with her girlfriend, but she walks around in the guise of her old self, the one withdrawn from everyday activities.

This is something I can't treat, can't fix, can't make better. I pray everyday, not just for relief from this horrible pandemic, but for her piece of mind. That she finds some simple joy to lift her up and see a better future.

I know many are also suffering during this uncertain time, but this is my story, and her's. These are my fears. I just have to continue to pray and be there to support her and help her find a way on this new, more difficult path.

This is my life (and her's). Hope is.all we have left. We have come through so much, but we have to find strength we didn't know we had to continue to get through this, together.

Later....

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Ugh! So here I am 9.months into this job in Med-Surg and am feeling so frustrated. While I feel.I have my manager behind me, I am constantly frustrated! This hospital uses the career ladder and I researched the topic of limited personnel on codes. The last codes I worked in, I felt.like it was a spectator sport. The room was crowded with several people who really had.no busi ess being g ther other than taking up room. The so called ER nurse put ia 16 gauge iv on a 80 yof who didn't weigh more than 90 lbs, and bragged about it! Maybe I am being a prude, but really! I am also a paramedic and have never used more than an 18 gauge. The last time I used that large of an iv was to do a chest decompression!

One of the docs over heard me discussing this with another nurse, and loudly stated she wanted as many "experienced nurse on hand on a code". I questioned the reason behind having a room crowded with people or people trai ed to respond d to a code and her answer was "I want everyone available". This from a doc who no one has confidence in.

It devasted me. I have built my entire career of being the best nurse I could be response to every possible event, but being put down because I am considered "over trained"! I have spent the last few days questioning what I am even here.

I approach my job as if I am treating my own family. I take extra training to be prepared for any incident only to be put down and criticized for being good at what I do. I carry more certifications than anyone I work with. I am very low right now. I am worried that I made the wrong decision going Med-Surg.

Am I being over sensitive? Am I needing to realize that I need to be less than what I am? Honestly, someone tell I am wronf or need to get over myself and just "be a nurse".

I really need answers folks, send me some feedback. I really need it.

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Here I am!

So I finally got a job working in Med-Surg. From the moment I met with the manager, we clicked! Have been working there since April and I really loke the folks I work with and they seem like they accept me. I am trying hard ro fit in and so far it seems to be working.

So here is my current problem, I constantly feel I am one step away from failure. Stupid I know, but just driving to work fills me with anxiety to the point I have to take a klonopin to calm myself. My sister suggested zoloft, which I tried before with no effect. She things I just need a higher dose (she takes 100 mg). Maybe...

The other night, I had a run in with a nurse in the ER who yelled and beluttled me on the phone for supposedly questioning his treatment prior to arriving in my unit. I was asking why he did something to gain clarification, not questioning his actions. I was torn, should I report him or let it lie.

Another staff member actually overheard the phone call (he was that loud!), and the house supervisor wanted my side. I explained my side but got the feeling she wanted to just overlook it. Later the charge nurse told me I really should file a report. I did and emailed my manage, giving my side.

Yesterday I got a phone call from HR who are investigating the incident. In talking with her, I felt like I was being heard and got a good feeling from it. Today, I am even nore anxious. I have leveled a charge on a nurse who, while being known as an asshole, is a long time employee. I have also learned the ER is a very clinque-ism group and am now worry about repercussions. I am now asking myself if I did the right thing.

My co-workers on my unit are backing me and have reached out their support, but it still upsets me.

I have been on the other side of this and have been the one reported. Once it costed me a job. Another time, I reported someone and it resulted in me being fired later on. My word against their's and since they were a long time employee, the hospital sided with them.

Now I am just sitting here in a wild panic, going over all the possibilities of how this can blow up on me. My core is very brittle right now thinking I have now been pegged as a trouble maker. I am trying desperately to find positives, but my heart is constantly racing.

I am a good nurse, I care deeply for my patients and get along with my co-workers, but constantly worry that this could blow up on me.

HR seemed to believe me, but I was once in a position where they told me they believed me, but still fired me (this is a right to work state and you can be fired for just about any reason). I cant seem to put my total faith in HR, but I am trying.

I have been praying this will come out well. I dont want the nurse to be fired, just reprimanded. He cant treat people like this. I also have been questioning my actions too, I never yelled at him (which he did), I never questioned his skill as a nurse (which he did), I never called into question his background as a nurse (which he did). nor did I berate or belittle him (which was the whole context of his phone call).

This all brought back the abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex. I have realized over time since the divorce, that I was horribly abused and even now, am just realizing I suffer from some form of PTSD. I thought I had successfully put all that behind me, but it hasnt gone away. I feel as low as the morning after he beat me and call me worthless. Not my best moment.

I know I need better help, not trying to "hold it together so no one sees it", which is my go to. I am going to reach out to our EAP group to seek help. I am on the edge right now, feeling if I lose this job, I cant go on. I cant go on feeling this way, but am so afraid right now.

My child is the only reason I have struggled thru this, but am finding it hard to maintain.

I work tonight, I will see how it goes...

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I am so tired of trying!

Since December, I have applied for over 15 jobs. One told me I was over qualified, one told me never to bother applying there again since the crazy manager I worked for has barred me permanently for ever havi g a job, and another hospital has told today that I am "not right" and told me not to bother applying again for at least a year. 23 years and this is what I get.

I know that in the past, I was being told how to conduct.myself by my ctazy ex who "knew more and they know on how ro run a hospital" and I let him. This has destoryed my chances of a career. I am beaten down so far and I cant even see up anymore. My brother wants me to go to work for a hospice company, but knowing my patients will die is crushing. I cant take anymore death.

The group of managers at one hospital will not even allow a manager who wants to hire me even speak to her and she asked me to apply! How can that go on ? I am trying to change my life, but no one will let me! My own brother will not talk to me because I wont follow his advise ( he is not a nurse, but apparently knows more about it than I do).

Sorry to be so down in this post. I struggle constantly with depression and after being told how worthless I was in my last marriage, its hard. Some say I have PTSD, but I refuse that label. Soldiers have PTSD, not me. I just had a shitty life and need to just get over it.

I will continue to pray and forgive, hopefully someone will take a chance on me, somewhere.

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Vision of a young adult

In talking with my transiting young adult, I am totally amazed at how well-connected she is in today's political climate and her deep ponderings in all things cultural. I learn so much about what is going on and her support in Bento O'Rouke. I can sit and gain new insights I might have normally overlook in my limited social media interactions. But each and every time I listen to her expound and ruminiate, I can only think of one thing...

How can someone so "woke" and in touch can still overlook socks left lying on the floor for days on end!?!

I am not a neat-freak, but when you step on the same socks every morning enroute to the bathroom, how can you not see them! Why don't you pick them up and put them in the dirty clothes hamper that they are lying next to?

We currently have an 11yo girl, a bi ex-girlfriend and her trans boyfriend also living with us and all are inflicted with the same "I don't see it" issue. It had gotten quite tiresome and piling the items in front of their bedrooms doesn't seem to help either.

I can deal with it most of the time, but now the cats think they are now toys to bat around and I am finding them in the kitchen.

I know, this is my curse having so many young adults in the house with me. But damnmit! It is getting on my last nerve!!

This is my albatross, my pain. In the bigger picture, I can deal with it. There are worse things to have to put up with than socks taking root in the hallways.

I caan just throw them in the garbage and wait to see how long it takes them to notice they have no socks!

Revenge is mine!

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OMG, what happened?

I cannot believe it has been so long sunce my last post. As in all things, I start with good intentions, but somehow lose my way. It is easier to maintain an existence of going through the motions, than to actually admit life is too hard.

I had been on a hamster wheel of getting through each day. No highlights, no excitement. I had come to think lige was wide open for me, new experiences, new adventures. Everyone would want to be my friend. I had really convinced myself this was going to happen, all I needed to do was to watch it happen.

Stupid, I got complacent. I was the same person, I just didnt have to answer to anyone but myself. I just forgot who that person was.

I am damaged, I am scared, I am still forming an identity of which I don't have a clue about. Anxiety is a constant with me. I cant breath sometimes or even most days. The brick within my chest gets heavier everyday. I would just sit in a corner and cry, but the effort is just too large, too enormous.

I still wish I could just have a friend, a companion who could shake me out of this, but I still continue putting up a front. I can't let anyone know how broken I am. I have to hide behind the screen, collectung my hurts that justify my loneliness, my isolation.

Sorry to hit you with this, but it is the ibly way I can maintain the image that all is well.

Its just too much some times...

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Where did the time go?

I have been back just over a month, but time got away from me!

I changed jobs, a needed change. The management and I didn't see eye to eye with the manager. See previous posts to get where this happened. She screwed me over then acted like it was my fault! I don't bring bad karma onto anyone! Less stress now and I don't walk around looking for the knife stabbing me in the back.

The new job is stress on its own. I work with computers now and just the last 2 weeks, we went with a new system and no one thought what we do was essential and the system is completely incompatible! Since it started, we have learned to adapt and over come! Love my new co-workers too!

Since leaving physical nursing, I have been gaining weight. I am over 15 pounds over my target. I feel "thick" and am not happy! I have started yoga and some other exercises along with diet control. I must take control of my body!

I have signed up for a half marathon and have bought running shoes! The half marathon is in March, so I have plenty of time to train. I can actually workout at work for free since the workout room is on the floor above my work space! I have no excuses and WILL DO THIS!

The guy I have been seeing has settled into a new job and I really hope he is happy. I don't expect anything from this relationship, but I like him and like the fact we only see each once in a while. I don't want a relationship now and I don't even want him coming over! My privacy is paramount!

Now to get off my ads and start chapter two, or is it three? Maybe four....

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Screwed

When justice is against you

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the hardest part is learning the one you have sacrificed for no longer wants you.

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