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tillmans.

          ‘ yeah. ’ jay’s head tilts sidelong. it’s the barest movement, thin and slow as the pinch of his brow. he flicks his nail against the condensation pooled against the side of his glass, prompting a muted clink. underneath the table, in tandem with the slouch of his posture, jay taps the toe of his boot against misty’s shin. he continues, almost echoing, almost chiding, ‘ ordered a while ago. ate a while ago. ’ he nods at the crumpled napkin that lays hidden, out of sight, on misty’s lap, then at the check, dutifully taken care of by his date. ‘ paid. ’  

          it isn’t quite clicking. ‘ i think it’s a little late to try to pull one on them. ’ 

misty stares at him a minute, unblinking and seemingly unfazed, before his body responds of its own accord with what must be self-disappointment. he folds in on himself, sighs through his nostrils, sinks deep into his chair — all reminiscent of an embarrassed-shameful but still petulant child trying to evade the weighty gaze of a parent.

he almost blushes. a lip caught between his teeth works fine; his stumble back into reality reads all too clearly.

         ‘ maybe they’ll buy it, ’ he starts, now leaning into his temporary lapse of memory for a joke. he gives the edge of the tablecloth a gentle tug. ‘ if we presto this shit out of here. ’

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         ‘ didn’t we order a long time ago? ’

neil, having overdone pre-meal toking by a considerable margin, fails to notice the cleared plates between them, the check pinned to the table by change and signed with his name, and the endearing (maybe endeared?) expression stuck like glue to jay’s face.

they’ve already eaten, paid, wrapped conversation, but he is running a full date behind. convinced they haven’t started. (maybe wishing, on a subconscious level, that they could loop this instead of their standard heartbreak bullshit.)

         ‘ i can’t remember what our guy looked like. help me find him so we can eat. ’

@tillmans​.

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Inherent Vice (2014) dir. Paul Thomas Anderson

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mr. tillman, are you ready?     /     semi-original character. reboot. by meaghan.

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mr tillman sentence starters.

hangout at the gallows.

jesus, man, what did you do?

left foot, right foot, that’s the ticket.

you’ll be back on top real soon.

whose bright idea was it to sharpen the knives?

if you want an answer, it’s anybody’s guess.

so you wanna hangout at the gallows?

those guys get an early start.

what’s your intake? your reason for living?

mr tillman.

___, good to see you again.

you left your passport in the mini fridge.

don’t leave your mattress in the rain if you sleep on the balcony.

what a beautiful tattoo that young man had on his face.

will you need a driver out to philly?

he seemed a little worried about you.

i’m feeling good, damn, i’m feeling so fine.

i’m living on a cloud above an island in my mind.

don’t be alarmed this is just my vibe.

no, it’s not too bad a crime.

is there someone we can call?

perhaps you shouldn’t drink alone.

just dumb enough to try.

i know a few ten-cent words.

you can take what i know about love and drown it in the sink.

i know my way around a tune.

won’t be a single dry eye in the room.

but i’m just dumb enough to try to keep you in my life.

i’ve been here a few times before.

you could have me anytime.

everything’s cool, i’m great, i’m fine.

date night.

nothing surprises me much.

do you wanna go to the farm?

do you wanna go to the park?

i’ll get you ice cream if you give me your card.

nothing impresses me much.

i’ve got a great attitude and a map to the stars.

i got your number from that sign in the lawn.

i also wanna vanquish evil but my mojo is gone.

i bet you know most of my friends.

they’re some real exclusive dudes.

i can escort you down the runway, i just joined the police.

so you wanna be a grifter like me?

i’m the second coming.

i’m the last to know.

i didn’t get invited but i know where to go.

Keep reading

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❛ don't you want to take a leap of faith ? ❜

inception.

         ‘ it doesn’t work like that. ’ his voice, like each of his hands, is trembling. misty sounds frightened in a way that he hasn’t before. he reaches out for james, whose heels hang just over the edge of the building, with a reluctance that suggests he isn’t sure whether his touch will encourage a step in or a step out.

to find james with his lights fully out has become common practice. to watch him flip the switch by choice just may break him beyond repair.

         ‘ i’m not doing this, ’ he says unsteadily. ‘ you’re not doing this. please  —  please come down. come back to me. don’t you make me fucking watch this, james. ’

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💏 i know i've sent this but. another!

fifty kisses.   32: to wake james up.

         ‘ you’ve been gone too long this time. ’

neil punctuates the statement with a gentle pat to jay’s breastbone. the smile that follows is weak and brief, and weaker and briefer than it’s been before, which proves to all (zero living) watchers on that the game only gets harder to play.

to have developed feelings at all is unfortunate, but to have developed them for someone whose perfected parlor trick is dying feels like a particularly cruel cosmic joke.

he rests at an angle over james’ body, his chair close enough to the table that he doesn’t have to stand all the way up.

         ‘ i need you to come back now, ’ he says. he kisses him, tender and one-sided in its warmth. ‘ come on, baby. ’

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💏 kiss ur bf - james

fifty kisses.   23: in relief.

         ‘ you didn’t come — ’ home, is what he means to say, but clips it just as soon as he realizes he’s thinking of the morgue. of the table. of james’ lifeless body awaiting prep.

misty is rushing in as he speaks, checking that james is solid with hungry open palms, and kissing him before either of them thinks of what they want to say next. his desperation is unmistakable, though there’s a slump to his uncharacteristically stiff posture that shines a light on the rest  —  the joy, the solace, the happy shock to have had him returned in one piece.

he shifts most of his weight from his toes to his heels just in case they’re working with a clean slate. baffled rejection on jay’s end has become all too familiar a greeting.

         ‘ i didn’t know where to go, ’ he says. ‘ i didn’t know where to look. your name wasn’t on the ledger. ’

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‘ oh my god, i swear this never happens. ’ - also james

father john.

         ‘ oh my god, i swear i’ve heard you say that before. ’ he doesn’t mean it as an insult: it’s far nearer to a moment self-evaluation. what’s he doing? why does he pursue someone whose words feel like angry ticks in a countdown to another unintentional heartbreak?

the kisses are comfortable for neil. they feel practiced, perfected, right in the way that only comes with knowing a person intimately. he doesn’t doubt that james is looking at it like it’s their first.

         ‘ how about the shirt. can the shirt go? ’

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FATHER JOHN MISTY LYRIC MEME.  make changes wherever necessary!

‘ look out, hollywood. here i come. ’

‘ pour me another drink. ’

‘ punch me in the face. ’

‘ i can fend for myself with what looks i have left. ’

‘ what are people gonna think? ’

‘ jesus christ, girl. ’

‘ we should let this dead guy sleep. ’

‘ i’m unsure of so many things. ’

‘ my reality is realer than yours. ’

‘ we could do ayahuasca, baby, if i wasn’t holding all these drinks. ’

‘ i long to feel your arms around me. ’

‘ gonna take my life back one day. ’

‘ the longer it keeps raining, the more she has to struggle to maintain a wonderful time. ’

‘ i’ve got smoke in my lungs and a past life in the trunk. ’

‘ how hard is it to follow just a few guidelines and smile while you do it? ’

‘ i’ll take some wine but you can dine without me. ’

‘ i sure hope they make something useful out of me. ’

‘ there’s a lot to loving i don’t know. ’

‘ it may be just us who feel this way. ’

‘ you’re the one i want to watch the ship go down with. ’

‘ the future can’t be real, i barely know how long a moment is. ’

‘ it’s just how we expected. ’

‘ people are boring, but you’re something else completely. ’

‘ lift up your wedding dress someone was probably murdered in. ’

‘ i haven’t hated all the same things as somebody else since i remember. ’

‘ seems like you and i need to have a crazy conversation. ’

‘ i just love the kind of woman who can walk over a man. i mean, like a goddamn marching band. ’

‘ someone’s been told too many times they’re beyond their years. ’

‘ oh my god, i swear this never happens. ’

‘ i love you as you are when you’re alone. ’

‘ i’ll never try to change you. as if i could - and if i were to, what’s the part that i’d miss most? ’

‘ i can hardly believe i’ve found you and i’m terrified by that. ’

‘ she’s gotta listen to your tired-ass lines. ’

‘ try hard not to freak out. ’

‘ it’s not cheap, but here i am, giving it away. ’

‘ i’m a decent person - little aimless. ’

‘ i spend my money getting drunk and high. ’

‘ wouldn’t i make the ideal husband? ’

‘ my brain’s so awfully glad to be here for yet another mindless day. ’

‘ oh, good. the stranger’s body’s still here. our arrangement hasn’t changed. ’

‘ i’ve grown more disappointing to you. ’

‘ no one ever really knows you and life is brief. ’

‘ what’s that got to do with this black hole in me? ’

‘ i’ve become jealous, rail thin, prone to paranoia. ’

‘ for love to find us of all people. ’

‘ somebody’s got to go kill something while i look after the kids. ’

‘ it’s hard not to fall in love with something so helpless. ’

‘ i hope we don’t end up regretting this. ’

‘ i hate to say it, but each other’s all we got. ’

‘ i mostly spend the long days walking through the city, empty as a tomb. ’

‘ in no time at all, this’ll be the distant past. ’

‘ we leave as clueless as we came. ’

‘ only the armed or the funny make it out alive. ’

‘ am i supposed to behave? ’

‘ you’ve got the gall to judge us. ’

‘ do you usually listen to music like this? ’

‘ what’s there to lose for a ghost in a cheap rental suit? ’

‘ whose bright idea was it to sharpen the knives? ’

‘ you left your passport in the mini fridge. ’

‘ don’t leave your mattress in the rain if you sleep on the balcony. ’

‘ don’t be alarmed, this is just my vibe. ’

‘ is there someone we can call? ’

‘ perhaps you shouldn’t drink alone. ’

‘ you can take what i know about love and drown it in the sink. ’

‘ i’ve got a great attitude. ’

‘ somebody stop this joyless joy ride. ’

‘ i’ll take it easy with the morbid stuff. ’

‘ you’re too much to lose. ’

‘ like a carcass left out in the heat, this love is bursting out of me. ’

‘ like an oil tanker tipped at sea, this love’s contaminated me. ’

‘ don’t you remember me? ’

‘ we know so little about ourselves, but just enough to want to be nearly anybody else. ’