retrospections

[retrospections]

been a while!

got a few updates, big and small i guess.

i have two partners now! they are great friends with each other, we’re all in a very tight-knit (and surprisingly big) online-turned-irl friend group. my long-term partner and i just made 3 years! my new partner and i got to celebrate our 5 months in person the weekend we met for the first time :) it was better than anything i could’ve ever imagined, and missing them has been hitting really hard.

being back home means being back in a draining and horrible toxic household, after leaving such a healthy and healing space. i was away for long enough to forget how bad it is for me, and in turn all my defenses were down when i came back. i am far too burnt out to put them back up. i’m not rsure how to cope, but i’m trying to stay afloat with the support of my found family.

i miss my friends too. all of us being in the same space at the same time made me happy in a way i haven’t felt in a long time. we all met for the first time at an event for the people that led us to find each other in the first place. words can’t begin to describe what a beautiful experience this was, and its effects will stay with me forever, truthfully. i’m so grateful and so lucky to have the friends and partners i do.

earlier this year i went to visit my long-term partner in their home country for the first time and their family was so welcoming. they treated me like family, and it felt especially warm and healing at that time. i think about my time there frequently i’m incredibly thankful to be in their life, and their family’s lives.

i’ll be two years on T soon, but i’m in a kinda weird space right now? i switched from injections to gel because i got tired of the whole process, it’s too much work and i’m honestly just that lazy. i have the privilege of being able to do HRT so i would like to make use of it while i still can, given the state of this country…

i start college for the first time since 2018 in august, on the navy’s dime. i’m mostly nervous because of two big factors: my unmedicated ADHD, and the fact for the first semester (or year) of my freshman year, i’ll still be living in this less- than-optimal-for-academics environment. i can’t afford to fail this time, so this is quite concerning. i don’t want to fail due to factors i can’t control (my insane family). i also have to figure out my financial aid situation…

i saw my favorite people 3 times. all is well. 🩷

[retrospections]

happy new year (and happy late birthday! you’re 25 now!) it’s been over a year since you’ve last updated anything and, as you can imagine, so much has happened between now and then. i’ll keep it straightforward this time.

• still going very strong with your partner! as of the day i’m writing this, you’ve been together for 2 years, 7 months, and 6 days. and it’s only the beginning of a hopefully very long and happy forever. 🩷 i do miss them a lot. long distance isn’t as miserable for me as it is for a lot of people, but even i’m only human and as long as i can go without missing or seeing people, they are different and sometimes when we’re going through it, all we really need is a hug from someone we love. that would be nice. but we see each other again soon for concerts in march!

• there has been an addition to the mix! in the beginning i requested not to label our relationship, because at the time that we talked about our feelings for each other and the noticeable shift in our dynamic, i panicked that i was moving too fast and honestly was not ready for another relationship. but they are for all intents and purposes my second partner, with a few key differences in our dynamic that change the kind of relationship it is on a foundational level but is still partly romantic in nature. obviously we both got my first partner’s full consent! they are also friends and get along well, which makes this a lot easier and makes me very happy.

• 2024 was a year of healing for you, which is crazy to say. you started seeing a new therapist in february and she is the first person to ever know what to do with your self awareness. she did a great fucking job. you’ve unpacked some of the ugliest parts of your trauma and unlearned many harmful things that have been instilled in you since you were a wee lad (you’re still unlearning these, because you’re still in the same active war zone that perpetuates these lies), you’ve gained confidence you didn’t think was possible for you to have, you’ve unmasked almost completely (still holding onto some of it for your safety is my current biggest guess, i am honestly not sure), you’re not suicidal anymore. that’s the most important part. you went from wanting to die minimum 5 times a day every single day of your life until you were 24 years old. that doesn’t mean you don’t still struggle with emotional regulation (rage in particular), and you still spiral sometimes. actually, you were doing great from february-late july; that’s when you were at your peak and were genuinely happy for the first time. then after all the internal work you did started paying off and healing you, all you were left with was the external reality of living with your family. your extremely dysfunctional, unsupportive, angry and toxic family that sap the life out of you every single day. you’ve been steadily declining since early august and it peaked on your birthday when everyone was so kind to you and showed you love you’ve never received before. it made you Feel, and now it’s all you can do. so you’re depressed again. but you’re working on it and doing your best.

• speaking of that, you’re smoking weed again. you started again 6 months in and went a pretty long time with just edibles, but early december for your best friend’s boyfriend’s birthday party you smoked a joint for the first time in over a year and unlocked pandora’s smoke box again. barely touched edibles since, sadly. you’ve been wanting to transition to tinctures/oils, and back to edibles, but you’ve not done so for whatever reason. on the bright side, you quit drinking for good bc you had a terribly hangover and threw up 7 times in less than 2 hours. it’s been 5 months! yay! you’re trying to be kind to yourself because all you can do is cope. right, your good therapist left to a better position in october-ish? and you went without one for almost 2 months which was very bad but you made it. and now you’re seeing sam who is Very neurodivergent, Very gay, and Very sweet. i’m not used to such an outwardly expressive person (therapist) crying when i tell them about my daily life but apparently it’s that bad!

• you’re over a year on T! you look almost the exact same! hehehe it’s totally fine. your voice has dropped considerably and unless the person calling has your information and can see the F on your papers, you never get misgendered over the phone anymore. in person people get confused because you sound like a dude but you look like a girl so i think a lot of them default to assuming you’re a dyke with a deep voice? or they go with guy pronouns and keep them up with i don’t correct them. except i never correct anyone ever because that’s humiliating and to be fair i’m not a man, i’m nonbinary! but that’s not worth explaining to literally anyone who isn’t going to be in your life long-term, so it’s fine. do you struggle with it sometimes? yeah. for a while i reeeeally felt like i looked like a straight-up Girl, sounded like one too. but yknow what? that’s okay. i’m nonbinary and that doesn’t have a look. i can have masculine preferences, i can have feminine traits, i can do whatever i want and still be valid. so i shouldn’t worry about that too much, yeah? otter just hit a year on T too! yay for us. 🩷

• today is your appointment with a new psych at a new clinic. you’re nervous because your last psych did not take you seriously so you aren’t sure what will happen this time but you’re hoping you can just get an answer as to What You Have, whether it just be one diagnosis or several. i don’t care, i just want to know where i am at currently at this point in my life, post-healing (or post-Starting to heal) and pre-frontal lobe development. now you’re making a list of things you want to let the psych know. fuck it we ball?

• you and alli are Meh. you talked to dre a few times but you need to talk to him again. find that letter and send him a message soon, he needs you!

• stray kids. yep. you’re seeing them three (3) times, twice here and once in chicago where you will also be meeting fiji and braine! AAAAHGGGGGFIGJRJFJCH yeah you’re locked the fuck in with skz forever. like actually. they’re your home. i know, it’s sad, you wanted it to be ateez so bad. doesn’t mean you love them or xdinary heroes any less! just means that skz fit in a way no one else ever has or ever will, really. ☹️ my skz… but on that note you also did see xdinaryteez last year and confirmed that yep you’ll be with them for the rest of your life too. my xdinarystrayteez 🩷🩷🩷

• a second bullet point for this one bc i can: chris is your lifeline. he’s your soulmate, your other half, you in a man’s body, your whole world. in another life, you two are best friends. and anyone who meets you agrees. you have never loved a person you don’t know this much (save for maybe jongho. i love jongho.) yeah, you love chris. you know what that means to you. i almost forgot to add this but you literally got a duck tattoo in his name (and a frog and a keith haring tattoo the same day! but yknow, the duck.) so yeah. love a man!

i’m probably missing a lot but those are the biggest ones i can think of rn. here’s to a productive 2025 🥂

oh yeah, trump’s the president. we’re cooked.

today, april 26th 2021, marks the start of my two-week countdown.

in two weeks' time, i'll be shipping out to Navy basic training.

where will i be by the time i look back at these posts? what will i be thinking? what will i look like? will i be proud? will i regret it? did i make it through? am i over it? should i be proud? am i stronger than i thought i was? i have so many questions for you, future me.

tell me; did i do good? did i make myself proud? i need to know.

who are you right now, at the time of new you reading this?

right now, i'm scared. stressed out. embarrassed. ashamed. embarrassed that it took this long to get here and ashamed that i'm having second thoughts. i'm doubting you. but i bet you discover a newfound strength in boot camp, don't you?

i should keep my wits about me; my head on my shoulders. i should be kind to myself, and patient. i should be better to myself.

i hope i make you proud.

[retrospections]

hey! it’s dec 31st! you made it!

firstly: yeah, i’m 24 now. don’t feel a difference at all. happy late birthday to me! now let’s get to the important updates, shall we?

• you started T! september 18th. 🫶🏽 you’re very happy with the changes you’ve seen! here’s what you’ve got so far: slightly more visible peach fuzz on your lip, voice dropping little by little, but noticeable to other people who pay enough attention, bottom growth that you find adorable lmao, and a slightly more sharp jawline that’s also due to some recent weight loss. oh yeah, the first change was the smell of your sweat. you reek! you smell like your brother! hell yeah! here’s something Really cool: your boyfriend starts T on your 4-month Tversary! hehehe, nice. you both can’t wait to look like a boy! dysphoria has definitely been beating your ass lately, and you don’t help yourself because you don’t work out but you trigger yourself by looking at the people who give you the most gender envy… be serious lol you’re so silly. you’ll figure that out eventually. you’ll also figure out what’ll happen once your female parental figure catches on… it’s been rough dealing with the constant misgendering but it is what it is. at some point in time, they’ll look crazy if they refer to me as a woman in front of anyone who doesn’t know us (or me pre-transition).

• you started therapy and meds again! november 15th and 16th, respectively. you like your therapist! she’s a lot more helpful than your last one. your meds are doing their job; your mood swings aren’t as extreme anymore! but you might have to up your dosage soon because while the side effects wore off, you’re binge eating again. speaking of…

• you’re unfortunately back in your d*s*rd*r*d era, and you’re taking it quite seriously (except for the fact that you’re a b*nger and that’s what’s fucking you up.) you aren’t mentally or physically ready for recovery, nor are you Prepared; your definition of recovery is just b*ng*ng. it’s either you st*rve or b*nge; no in between. very sad tbh. but hey, you’re no longer in the 200s! you definitely need to do something about this… not recovery, at least, not anytime soon. your plan is to talk to your doctor and psych about your… Problem and make it very clear that you’re in severe mental and emotional distress about it and that you very much Need a solution. you Need something that’ll destroy your appetite and make it so that you’re not eating your emotions (or lack thereof). hopefully you can figure something out without them catching onto your Real goal…

• you really, Really hate your conceivers. nothing new, but your female parent equivalent has been absolutely insufferable lately. quite frankly, it’s horrific. atrocious. you and your fatherly parent equivalent have had more than one conversation about her out of control behavior and you’re both on the same page: she’s fucking crazy, and not in a funny or healable way. at this point all you can do is worry about yourself and hope for the best. seriously. in other news, you were confronted about stealing your dad’s money. you have none because you quit the observatory in october (thank god) so you’ve been stealing his to get by. you blew threw the $400 he sent you for your birthday (like two weeks early, so is it really my fault?) and you’re about o blow through the $200 you got on your actual birthday, but you’re “trying” to make it last until you get this possible job… oh yeah, your next job will most likely be caring for your brother. money is money, i guess. you don’t know any of the details but honestly at this point, you’d be stupid to say no.

• this one is quick: you had a falling out with the gc; it’s just jillybeanz now and you feel like it’s a pretty solid friend group that isn’t going anywhere. we constantly affirm each other and it’s really nice! this feels right. i hope we’re friends forever, all of us amongst ourselves and as a whole. 🫶🏽

• you also had a strong falling out with alli where you took a month break at her request, but you’ve made up now. it’s still a bit odd because she’s quieter now and you find it hard to talk to her about random topics like you used to because her responses are so lackluster, but when you Do get the gears going, it goes well! you and stass are fine but you need to do a much better job of engaging in real conversation with both of them.

• funny enough, this falling out was pretty parallel to you realizing some not-so-fun feelings you had towards your boyfriend, but you’ve worked it out now so it’s all good! don’t be afraid to ask more questions. you’re partners! it’s okay to ask for clarification! 🫶🏽

• alright, fine. we can finally talk about your favorite part: kpop. you finally let go of those silly feelings about she-who-shall-not-be-named and finally, finally ult skz, like god intended. your current top 3 groups are ateez, xdinary heroes, and stray kids! your ults as of right now are gunil, bangchan, jongho, ode, hongjoong, changbin, and jisung! your semi-ult is taehyun, and your regular biases are junhan, seungmin, yeosang, and hueningkai. there’s also wonseo and sunggook, steve and kyungmun (and maybe eunho?), and lola. you’re working on seventeen but it’s been pretty consistent with minghao, vernon, and jun for a short while now. you got chris’ bubble and well, let’s just say it’s been Fun. you still have oguogu’s bubble, but you don’t talk to them as much as you used to because you’re kind of in your skz era right now, BUT you’re slowly working yourself back into both your atz And xh era. you’re learning how to balance all 3! thank you wellbutrin lol. you’ve finally organized your damn stray pcs lol, or as organized as they can get when you don’t have the proper supplies. it’s better than nothing! you’re very very nervous for whoever’s going on tour next year, but hopefully if you get this job (and maybe even a second overnight one) you can save up enough to see your faves on tour… that’s wishful and very far away thinking, though. a girl can dream..

• oh! how could you forget! you’ve finally decided to quit weed, and as of today you’re a month and 12 days clean! it’s been a very rough month and you’ve almost broken on multiple occasions, but you are genuinely so grateful that you’ve stayed strong and not given into the urges. it still doesn’t feel like you’re quitting forever but honestly, as much as i Hate it, that’s the goal. you don’t need drugs in your life. you’ve even moderated your alcohol use, which is amazing because usually when you don’t have one, you need the other. i think you can thank wellbutrin for that one too. here’s to living nicotine And weed free, and to actually drinking socially!

all in all, it’s been a Very Eventful and Very Forgetful 2023. i hope that 2024 is more stable, peaceful, joyful, and fruitful than 2023. not just for you, but for all of your loved ones too. best of luck next year, sev! keep yourself posted! happy late birthday, and happy new year. 🫶🏽

today, april 26th 2021, marks the start of my two-week countdown.

in two weeks' time, i'll be shipping out to Navy basic training.

where will i be by the time i look back at these posts? what will i be thinking? what will i look like? will i be proud? will i regret it? did i make it through? am i over it? should i be proud? am i stronger than i thought i was? i have so many questions for you, future me.

tell me; did i do good? did i make myself proud? i need to know.

who are you right now, at the time of new you reading this?

right now, i'm scared. stressed out. embarrassed. ashamed. embarrassed that it took this long to get here and ashamed that i'm having second thoughts. i'm doubting you. but i bet you discover a newfound strength in boot camp, don't you?

i should keep my wits about me; my head on my shoulders. i should be kind to myself, and patient. i should be better to myself.

i hope i make you proud.

[retrospections]

hey, it’s been a while. bout a year, actually.

you left the navy jan 24th. been a lot happier since. you had a Few conversations with deja after, but then you ghosted her. and ray. i don’t really wanna talk to deja anymore but maybe i’ll say hi to ray sometime? probably not. you definitely do feel bad, but honestly, they’re not really people you care to associate with. you’ll be fine, and they’ll be fine.

you and ash don’t talk anymore. she gave birth and you haven’t spoken to her since even before that. 🤷🏽 let them think whatever they want. they never fucking liked me anyway.

goomves fell apart. 8m1t happened. everything is okay with them, Except for val. we’ll see what happens with that in the future…

you’ve become a huge multi stan! kpop has taken over your life, and you’ve seen lots of groups already (ateez, piwon, 7dream, pixy, txt, and you see twice next month!!!) your ults are currently ateez, xh, and txt. you Almost ulted skz too, but the beef (not really beef..? maybe? she says it’s not but idk) with val really threw you off so you feel weird being so heavily into her ults (it’s the association of skz with her in your brain. leaves a bad taste in your mouth) but you still love your hanibini. you found the heroes anyway, they’re your current hyperfixation and you’re so glad you found them. you’re very much in love with them, especially ode and gunil 😔🌹

you’ve caught up with old friends! yay! rey still loves you! you guys are still besties! he still trusts you! yay! 😄 🫂💗 you now have to put in the effort to talk to him more, him and the gorls (ari and camille!!!!)

things with alli and stass have been okay, except you and alli have been having a somewhat hard time understanding each other lately? not fighting, definitely not, but it seems like you have to reevaluate your communication styles and where you guys are at with that, so there’s no issues in the future.

you got a job at the observatory, started working there march 27th (and it’s already june!!!!) it’s an extremely simple job in terms of the workload itself, but it’s not Easy due to the nature of the job. nonetheless, you’re managing well enough that your boss basically Asked you to be a lead. you took him up on the offer. you haven’t talked about it in detail yet but you did have a brief conversation about it a few days ago from today. let’s see how that goes and where you’re at in a few months. i don’t really Want this job anymore, but that’s because i’ve been thinking about what i want to do in the future and i think i’m afraid of getting comfortable or getting stuck at this job that i know is not at all what i want to do in life, or anything near it really.

you’re currently in Severe debt (like, Severe) and you’re working on how to fix that. not gonna lie, you definitely fucked up on this one. like… a lot. but you’ll just have to figure it out. is the stress killing you? yeah. oh well. these are the consequences of your actions and as an adult, you have to face them and properly address the situation, and then do everything in your power to fix it.

gender is still a HUGE question mark, and so is sexuality. you have an added insecurity that’s been there for a while but you’re only recently accepting it, and that’s race. you’re trying really really hard not to think about any of those things too much (and failing.) happy pride month, i guess.

mentally, you’re more stable than you’ve ever been, but as of late you’ve been declining a bit. guess it was too good to be true? got a lot of stuff to work through. need therapy again.

you’ve got a lot of work to do; there are a lot of things you need in life and you have to start dedicating yourself to them all. it’s gonna be tough.

oh yeah, you’re also trying that thing with stass and alli; the tiktok fame thing. genuinely i hope we take off…

ummm, there’s definitely a lot more that’s happened that you’re forgetting, and it’s sad that these things you remember now will soon be forgotten until they’re either brought up again randomly or your brain provides you with the memory entirely unannounced. but for now, that’s all the big stuff.

hang in there, sev. and in case you don’t come back before then, happy birthday. i hope 24 treats you well.

today, april 26th 2021, marks the start of my two-week countdown.

in two weeks' time, i'll be shipping out to Navy basic training.

where will i be by the time i look back at these posts? what will i be thinking? what will i look like? will i be proud? will i regret it? did i make it through? am i over it? should i be proud? am i stronger than i thought i was? i have so many questions for you, future me.

tell me; did i do good? did i make myself proud? i need to know.

who are you right now, at the time of new you reading this?

right now, i'm scared. stressed out. embarrassed. ashamed. embarrassed that it took this long to get here and ashamed that i'm having second thoughts. i'm doubting you. but i bet you discover a newfound strength in boot camp, don't you?

i should keep my wits about me; my head on my shoulders. i should be kind to myself, and patient. i should be better to myself.

i hope i make you proud.

[retrospections]

summers come and winters go

i age and age

time never goes back

i guess i have to get used to growing up

[retrospections]

back again.

you think you’re trans. and gay. you want to transition. he’s still going to prison. tumbies fell apart, but goomves is thriving. you and *** are platonic bfs. you’re a 3rd class. you had a mental break, and now you’re getting separated. you like your binder but you need another one. you’re going to hobipalooza. you’re on pills. you got a minato tattoo. and an undertale tattoo. and a bts tattoo. she’s pregnant. you have a great therapist.

keep it pushin, i guess.

today, april 26th 2021, marks the start of my two-week countdown.

in two weeks' time, i'll be shipping out to Navy basic training.

where will i be by the time i look back at these posts? what will i be thinking? what will i look like? will i be proud? will i regret it? did i make it through? am i over it? should i be proud? am i stronger than i thought i was? i have so many questions for you, future me.

tell me; did i do good? did i make myself proud? i need to know.

who are you right now, at the time of new you reading this?

right now, i'm scared. stressed out. embarrassed. ashamed. embarrassed that it took this long to get here and ashamed that i'm having second thoughts. i'm doubting you. but i bet you discover a newfound strength in boot camp, don't you?

i should keep my wits about me; my head on my shoulders. i should be kind to myself, and patient. i should be better to myself.

i hope i make you proud.

[retrospections]

update: life sucks and you’re lonely.

***’s going to prison. t*mbies gc is falling apart bc you spoke up abt the tension between d*vey, v*nce, and m**nie. you’re autistic. you’re almost a 3rd class. after everyone else in your a-school class. you got a new binder; the gc2b one isn’t quite working out. you suck at your job. you suck at life. you got a kakashi tattoo. you wanna d!e. what’s new?

today, april 26th 2021, marks the start of my two-week countdown.

in two weeks' time, i'll be shipping out to Navy basic training.

where will i be by the time i look back at these posts? what will i be thinking? what will i look like? will i be proud? will i regret it? did i make it through? am i over it? should i be proud? am i stronger than i thought i was? i have so many questions for you, future me.

tell me; did i do good? did i make myself proud? i need to know.

who are you right now, at the time of new you reading this?

right now, i'm scared. stressed out. embarrassed. ashamed. embarrassed that it took this long to get here and ashamed that i'm having second thoughts. i'm doubting you. but i bet you discover a newfound strength in boot camp, don't you?

i should keep my wits about me; my head on my shoulders. i should be kind to myself, and patient. i should be better to myself.

i hope i make you proud.

[retrospections]

it hurts so bad

[retrospections]

it’s so scary, falling out of love.

[retrospections]

i’m back. i’ve accepted my confusion for what it is.

and, yeah, i am confused. about everything. that’s okay. i’m only twenty-one. i don’t have to know the answers to everything. i’m supposed to be figuring myself out. i don’t need to label myself as anything, and i don’t need to understand myself wholly right now. i am still growing and learning, so i can’t limit myself with labels.

i don’t know, and that’s okay.

so, i'm going through another self-discovery point in my life right now. i've been struggling to pinpoint the difference between platonic and romantic feelings; moreso that i don't think i know what romantic attraction is or how it differs from platonic feelings. to me, they are pretty much the same.

i'm thinking it could be a number of things. trauma; my undiagnosed likely autism; etc etc. i'd like to think i am somewhere on the aromantic spectrum but i'm rethinking that now. is it a mental health issue? is it just genuinely a thing for me? or do both go hand in hand?

i'll figure it out, i guess.

[retrospections]

lol shoulda trusted my gut

but hey it’s been like 2 years since we stopped talking and i’m good now

You know, it’s interesting.

I’m so used to my relationships being one-sided on my end and me being the person to do everything for my significant other without receiving anything in return that it feels really strange when my boyfriend offers me things and gets upset when he can’t see me or when someone tries to hurt me or when my friends aren’t treating me fairly. It’s the fact that he ACTUALLY cares and ACTUALLY reciprocates the same feelings I have for him. I wish it wasn’t so hard for me to genuinely believe and accept that. It’s mind boggling. Someone I’m in love with is also in love with me? What? It feels like a joke; as if at any moment he’ll turn around and say “Nah, I wasn’t serious. None of that was real.” I’m anticipating it, even. But apparently that hurts him because he really does love me and mean everything he does, so I feel bad for feeling bad. I guess I should stop complaining and start being more appreciative?

[retrospections]

[retrospections]

hey, me. i’ve got a pretty cool update for you.

i’m done with classes. i’m top of my class. my average might as well be a 100%. i’m getting AAP. as of september 21st, our graduation, i’ll be an e2. when i get to my new command in virginia beach (lemoore wasn’t happening), i’ll bring my AAP recommendation with me. i hope it gets accepted. that’ll make me an e4.

i’m going through some things at the moment that i’m trying to work with as much as i can, but i don’t really have wiggle room right now. it’s okay. i’ll make do.

i ordered a binder from gc2b; crossing my fingers that it fits! i also ordered some makeup from Amazon based off recommendations from friends and reviews i read. hopefully that boosts my confidence?

i’ll check back in a while and let you know what else has gone down. ^_^

today, april 26th 2021, marks the start of my two-week countdown.

in two weeks' time, i'll be shipping out to Navy basic training.

where will i be by the time i look back at these posts? what will i be thinking? what will i look like? will i be proud? will i regret it? did i make it through? am i over it? should i be proud? am i stronger than i thought i was? i have so many questions for you, future me.

tell me; did i do good? did i make myself proud? i need to know.

who are you right now, at the time of new you reading this?

right now, i'm scared. stressed out. embarrassed. ashamed. embarrassed that it took this long to get here and ashamed that i'm having second thoughts. i'm doubting you. but i bet you discover a newfound strength in boot camp, don't you?

i should keep my wits about me; my head on my shoulders. i should be kind to myself, and patient. i should be better to myself.

i hope i make you proud.

[retrospections]

so, it’s been a few months.

the verdict at this point in time is that i am gray aromantic and gray asexual.

i am far too mentally + emotionally unstable to properly deal with, let alone understand, romantic feelings. because of this, i choose to use the label “gray aromantic.” my instability takes a huge toll on how i perceive romance at any given time; it’s fluid to a point of doubt. this includes my desire for romantic relationships.

i am also still unpacking several traumatic sexual events that have certainly affected my sexuality. i choose the label “gray asexual” because of this. i have yet to fully understand certain sexual things that have happened to me and certain things that i have partaken in. my sexuality is far too inconsistent for me to understand it, to pin it down and really see it for what it is.

i was definitely onto something when i assumed this was trauma-related. it is. it certainly is.

so, i'm going through another self-discovery point in my life right now. i've been struggling to pinpoint the difference between platonic and romantic feelings; moreso that i don't think i know what romantic attraction is or how it differs from platonic feelings. to me, they are pretty much the same.

i'm thinking it could be a number of things. trauma; my undiagnosed likely autism; etc etc. i'd like to think i am somewhere on the aromantic spectrum but i'm rethinking that now. is it a mental health issue? is it just genuinely a thing for me? or do both go hand in hand?

i'll figure it out, i guess.

[retrospections]

hey, past me. i have your answers.

i’m at a-school. i’m thinking that i didn’t believe i’d get this far, and i’m glad i did. i look good. better. healthier. happier, i hope. i don’t regret it. i could never regret it. i made it through. i’m not over it. i should be proud. i am strong. i did not believe i was.

i am.

i struggled a lot. every moment was a fight to accept that i deserved to be alive. every mistake was a day wasted on punishing myself. every night was a plea for the next day to be better, and every morning was a plea for the night to come faster. overall, i did well. it pains me, but i deserve to be proud. it pains me, but i earned this and i deserve to possess it.

who am i right now? i am me. the same, different, and everything else. i am worth my weight in gold.

today, april 26th 2021, marks the start of my two-week countdown.

in two weeks' time, i'll be shipping out to Navy basic training.

where will i be by the time i look back at these posts? what will i be thinking? what will i look like? will i be proud? will i regret it? did i make it through? am i over it? should i be proud? am i stronger than i thought i was? i have so many questions for you, future me.

tell me; did i do good? did i make myself proud? i need to know.

who are you right now, at the time of new you reading this?

right now, i'm scared. stressed out. embarrassed. ashamed. embarrassed that it took this long to get here and ashamed that i'm having second thoughts. i'm doubting you. but i bet you discover a newfound strength in boot camp, don't you?

i should keep my wits about me; my head on my shoulders. i should be kind to myself, and patient. i should be better to myself.

i hope i make you proud.

[retrospections]

cold

cloudy and cold, she persevered

through thick and thin, she persevered

through frolic and fear, she persevered

what will she do next?

[retrospections]

so, the day has come. it's may 9th, 00:40.

today, at 1500, i go into my recruiter's office for the last time. i get briefed. i get advice.

today, at 1700, i stay overnight at a hotel.

tomorrow, may 10th, at 1300, i ship out to Fort McCoy, Wisconsin, for my two-week quarantine.

after that, i go to Chicago for my six-week basic training.

after that, i go to Mississippi for my seven-week A-school.

the nerves are slowly bubbling up, but they're not bad nerves. i'm just anticipating how this will go. i trust myself to do well and make it through this test. i got this; i just know i do. i will win. i will make myself proud.

today, april 26th 2021, marks the start of my two-week countdown.

in two weeks' time, i'll be shipping out to Navy basic training.

where will i be by the time i look back at these posts? what will i be thinking? what will i look like? will i be proud? will i regret it? did i make it through? am i over it? should i be proud? am i stronger than i thought i was? i have so many questions for you, future me.

tell me; did i do good? did i make myself proud? i need to know.

who are you right now, at the time of new you reading this?

right now, i'm scared. stressed out. embarrassed. ashamed. embarrassed that it took this long to get here and ashamed that i'm having second thoughts. i'm doubting you. but i bet you discover a newfound strength in boot camp, don't you?

i should keep my wits about me; my head on my shoulders. i should be kind to myself, and patient. i should be better to myself.

i hope i make you proud.