revesvoiles-blog

[revesvoiles-blog]

Every other Tuesday

Well in an attempt to stay sane I’ve decided to create a blog. This will kind of be my personal Journal. I’ve created a two week schedule with a different activity every day. I’ll be posting here every other Wednesday! I always enjoyed writing while growing up and I journal constantly, so here I hope to forever document my feelings and hopefully grow into a better person. So without further ado... Dear Journal (J), You can call me JJ I guess. That’s something ambiguous so that this stays semi anonymous. There are people out there that I wouldn’t mind reading this, but it’s nice to have the safety of anonymity to start. In fact, now that I think about it, I really wouldn’t mind if anyone in my life read this. I’m typically an open book anyway. I digress... Maybe I should start off with a little about myself. The first thing you should know about me is I’m going through kind of a rough time. It’s been going on for a few years now. Despite my professional success, happiness has proved elusive for me. I guess I just haven’t figured it all out yet. I haven’t quite landed on the work I enjoy and I certainly haven’t figured out relationships. I tried really hard for the last year to make one work, but day by day I lose hope that it’ll work out between the two of us. I guess I can’t decide if I want to get into it tonight or not. It seems like a lot to bombard you with on my first letter. Suffice to say that I can’t tell if I’m needy or she’s neglectful. It’s really an awful position. Fortunately, I have settled on the fact that I can only ask very little of other people. I’ll have to decide for myself whether I can endure the absence of this person or not. I’ll have to do my best to deduce the reasons for her absence and just or not, decide on my next course of action. I only said this was fortunate earlier because at least these are all my choices to make and I am in control.

If I’m being honest, lately it’s dawned on me how much sadness has come from this situation. I wonder if it wouldn’t be better to move on and embrace the sunk cost fallacy. I think more data would help. Some more times of “NTF” (No Texting First) and a phone call or two might help me understand where we stand and make an educated decision. But if all else fails, my feelings should serve as a sufficient basis to plan my future on.

Anyway, this all probably sounds very cryptic. I guess I’m not totally comfortable with blogging yet. But I feel a little bit better than I did an hour ago so I think it’s helping. I’m going to try and sleep now. I have a lot going on tomorrow. Hoping I will get some good work done (I want that npm story outta here), go to the gym around midday and sail in the evening. I may even stop by a friend’s house for poker, but with Covid-19 going on I’m a little anxious about that. I’ll let you know how everything goes in two Wednesdays. I don’t think I’ll talk to the lady too much before then, since I have a large NTF block that I’ll try to abide by. But I’ll let you know how everything goes and what I learn. Hopefully the post after next I’ll have had a phone call and feel a little more confident on where we stand. Ugh, I felt so confident just a week or two ago that things might work out and now I’m back to despairing. Maybe this just comes down to trust. Is it that I don’t trust that she’s still interested if she’s not frequently texting me? Is that the source of my sadness or concern? Or is it that I’m just bored and miss her and want someone to talk to? Idk, I will circle back to this in two weeks. Best, JJ