revisitingthecityofstars

[revisitingthecityofstars]

Introduction

I won’t take up too much time on this, but I felt it important to contextualize what you are about to read. In 2018, I and nine other students in the film department at Middle Tennessee State University traveled to Los Angeles to tour the film industry.

The experience changed my perspective on the industry, my career, and life in general. Fortunately, I went back on the trip in 2019. This time around, I didn’t feel like a tourist; I felt like I was at home. I didn’t take a whole lot of pictures or videos. Hopefully, how impactful this trip was will show through my words.

[revisitingthecityofstars]

Preface - May 30th, 2019

I’m sitting in the Bragg building writing this right now. We just finished our post-trip meeting, going over what is expected of us and what we need to turn in. I’m listening to the playlist I made of the songs we listened to on this trip. Despite the songs’ upbeat natures, I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness.

I felt it the night before we left. I stepped out of the restaurant where we had our last meal, and sat in the courtyard by myself for around ten minutes. I don’t think anyone noticed I was gone, but those minutes of silence were so desperately needed. A moment alone to process (or attempt to) everything that I had just experienced. A moment to hear the sounds of the city without people talking, laughing, or saying “kepchup.” While it didn’t give me crystal-clear clarity or reduce how sad I was, it was peaceful. On a trip that felt nonstop, my moment of peace came. I feel that again now, as I sit down and try to articulate what those two weeks meant to me. Emphasis on try.

What I got out of this trip the second time around is completely different than what everyone else got their first time around. But my realizations are nonetheless important and once again changed my outlook on my life.

[revisitingthecityofstars]

Day 1 - May 15th, 2019

Year two, day one. I felt confident, capable, and ready. I had done this before and knew what to expect (or at least I thought I did). Surrounded by a new and bigger group of strangers, I anxiously awaited the moment the plane took off and we were back in the city I loved. 

Touchdown and everything was just as I remembered. The air wasn’t humid, the airport still looked just like GTA V, and the van was just as clunky as I recalled. It’s hard to come to any life-changing conclusions or perspective shifts on the first day. We focused on getting settled, grabbing dinner at In-N-Out, and taking trips Target and Ralphs. 

My confidence quickly degraded as I realized this trip was not going to be like last year. I found myself going to bed worrying if I would enjoy it as much as last year, if I would learn anything new, or if I would make any friends in such a big group of students. The next two weeks wouldn’t go as I thought they would, but they went exactly how I needed them to go.

[revisitingthecityofstars]

Day 2 - May 16th, 2019

Our second day of the trip, but first full day in Los Angeles started with a tour of the University of Southern California’s School of Cinematic Arts. There we met up with Professor Jim O’Keeffe, who hosted our group in his home last year. Seeing a familiar face early on in the trip was refreshing. He showed us around the school, leading us through equipment checkout, sound stages, a foley room, editing and coloring bays, and introduced us to numerous students and faculty.

While it was my second time touring the school, it still sparked the same question I had last year: should I go to graduate school? The idea of continuing my education immediately following my undergraduate studies is not something I have taken incredibly seriously, but has always been on my radar. USC’s film school is phenomenal and it is a place I could see myself studying and learning. Nevertheless, I left USC on day two with the same conclusion I drew last year: it would be nice, but I don’t think it’s for me.

After our tour of USC, we travelled to the home of Leonard Schulze and Wendy McCready for a Writer’s Salon. One of the people at the event was Jan Batchler, a screenwriter who I met last year. The salon benefitted me incredibly as I was able to sit down with her and a few other students and have a much more personal and intentional conversation. She reiterated her belief that screenwriters should move to LA, explained her outlining and writing style, and discussed her thoughts on the ongoing conflict between Writer’s Guild and agencies. Screenwriting is the part of filmmaking I am most passionate about, and I jumped at the opportunity to pick the brain of a woman who knows what the industry is like from a writing perspective.

One of the goals I set out for myself for the summer is to write. An amazingly simple goal, yet something I am so terrible at. What I took away most from my conversation with Jan was that you cannot wait for inspiration. You have to sit yourself down and force yourself to write. Even if it’s awful and you throw it away when you read it over the next day, you still wrote. And you get better every time you do it. This advice is likely something she tells all of her students without much thought, but it stuck with me the most out of our conversation. I need to stop saying “one day I’ll write this all down” and just do it.

[revisitingthecityofstars]

Day 3 - May 17th, 2019

The earlier days of the trip felt like a weird limbo period. We were still getting used to each other and our new environment. It was only day three and it simultaneously felt like our first day and our thirtieth. It often feels like time doesn’t really exist when you’re traveling. Or maybe that’s because we had to wake up before 6 am on this day.

The early morning of day three brought us to the set of Everything’s Gonna Be OK, a new television show on Freeform. There we met Katie Molenaar, the art director for the show. She showed us the set and explained how everything came together. Despite being a film nerd, I always find myself surprised seeing the tricks filmmakers use to fool the audience. For example, Katie explained how they repurpose parts of the sets to look like different rooms in a bigger house. 

The story of how she got into art directing surprised me, as she graduated with a degree in Music Business. Katie is just one of the many examples of how you never really know where you’ll end up in the entertainment industry. Plans change and opportunities you aren’t expecting come up. You just have to go with it.

[revisitingthecityofstars]

Day 4 - May 18th, 2019

This will likely be one of the shortest posts on this recap. On this day, we played tourist. Beginning at Venice Beach, the entire group explored the beach for a few hours.  Having done Venice before, I didn’t have anything I really wanted to do, other than dip my feet in the ocean. I got a little cocky and ended up getting the entire backside of my jeans soaked in salt water and sand (my fault for wearing jeans to the beach?). 

After Venice, the film and RIM kids split off. We ended up in Hollywood, exploring the Walk of Fame and shops. I led a few of us to a souvenir shop I went to last year and we shopped around. Hollywood is really cool the first time around. The second time? Pretty boring. The most interesting thing we saw was the preparation for the Godzilla: King of the Monsters premiere. The black carpet covered the street in front of the Chinese Theatre, with a towering screen playing clips from the film at the end of it. Seeing what would become a film premiere event before all the stars showed up was a nice surprise, but overall, Hollywood round two was underwhelming at best.

I can’t say day four brought any life-changing revelations or lessons learned. I enjoyed spending time and getting to know the people on the trip. However, the interest in all of the tourist spots in Los Angeles had dwindled dramatically for me. Maybe I’m getting more comfortable and used to the city, maybe I was more focused on how much I wanted to take a nap. Who knows.

[revisitingthecityofstars]

Day 5 - May 19th, 2019

Our fifth day in Los Angeles began with the dress rehearsal for the finale of American Idol.  I honestly couldn’t tell you the last episode of the show I watched. I envisioned a massive stage, with a couple hundred seats for audience members. I was wrong. The space was significantly smaller, which ended up working in our favor once the rehearsal began. Sitting in the second row, I found myself yards away from Ryan Seacrest, Adam Lambert, Carrie Underwood, and more artists than I can remember. I can’t say I was star struck, but I can’t deny it was pretty cool to watch famous artists and personalities in a setting most people don’t get to see them.

While my passions lie in single camera filmmaking, I couldn’t contain my fascination at watching the preparation for a live, multi-camera production. Hearing the director talk to talent over the speaker, watching decisions being made on blocking and camera movements, and even analyzing what they put on the teleprompter versus what the talent ended up saying were all things I focused on in the few hours we were there.

My love for multi-camera and live productions prove to be a source of internal conflict for me, which the American Idol experience only exacerbated. I find live television exhilarating. Trying to get everything right and racing against the clock challenges and excites me in ways traditional single-camera filmmaking doesn’t. Throughout my two years in college, I have evenly divided my focus between both realms of filmmaking, despite all of my career aspirations being in single-camera.

I know I will have to make a decision on which side I go into. Every experience I have on either side sways me, creating this years-long limbo period. I’m good at both, I enjoy both, but I don’t think I can do both. American Idol wasn’t the only multi-camera television show we visited on this trip, but it was the first to remind me that I still have a lot of figuring out to do before I graduate.

After the dress rehearsal, we had dinner at a restaurant we went to last year, Golden Road Brewing. The most memorable part of this dinner was how bored I was. The finale of Game of Thrones was airing and to avoid spoilers, I didn’t open any social media apps and avoided text messages from friends I knew watched the show. Finally, a few hours later, we sat down in the living room and watched the finale. While not a planned event for the trip, the show still taught me a valuable lesson for my career: don’t take screenwriting advice from David Beinoff and D. B. Weiss.

[revisitingthecityofstars]

Day 6 - May 20th, 2019

Nearing a week in Los Angeles and on our own from the RIM kids for the day, we decided to head to Malibu and take advantage of the sunny weather.  We ate a Kristy’s Village Café, a favorite spot of ours from last year. Sitting on the patio, we went around the table and discussed what we were learning from the trip so far. 

When we did this last year, it was the end of the trip and we all had much more well-rounded takeaways. At this point, we were barely halfway through, and I didn’t even know fully what I had learned. This blog is full of what I learned and ended up learning, but in this moment, my brain couldn’t compute. I think retrospect is the best way my brain processes information. 

As I write this blog, I am better able to contextualize everything that happened throughout the course of our trip. I don’t have much else to add for day six, other than I wish I had spent more time on the beach. I don’t think the group lasted more than five minutes before complaining of the cold and dashing back to the van. I could’ve spent an hour out there, although I probably would’ve gotten hypothermia. I guess the lesson from day six is don’t let people persuade you into doing things you don’t want to do, like giving up your time on the beach in Malibu.

[revisitingthecityofstars]

Day 7 - May 21st, 2019

With one week under our belts and one more to go, we began day seven at another place we went to last year: Panavision. There we met with David Dodson, who gave us a tour of the facility. We saw the camera prepping areas, walked through manufacturing, saw where the lenses are assembled and tested, and learned how the company works with filmmakers to achieve the goals for each project. What stands out to me about Panavision is how they will create lenses for individual directors and cinematographers. I often feel like filmmaking has become robotic and formulaic, so it’s pleasant to see a company maintaining the notion that filmmaking is a craft.

We finished the seventh day at Hacienda Post, an audio post production studio focusing in animation. There we met Timothy Borquez, founder of the company and sound supervisor/mixer. He was also one of the kindest people we met on the trip. He showed us around the studio, covered in posters of nearly every animated TV show we all watched as kids. When he took us to the foley room, he explained how they made certain sounds for Spongebob, for example, using half-filled water balloons for Squidward’s footsteps. I don’t think I learned much from the visit for my personal career, but I enjoyed it immensely. It served as a chance to reminisce and gain a better appreciation for the work that went into some of the most iconic and loved shows from my childhood.

[revisitingthecityofstars]

Day 8 - May 22nd, 2019

Week number two started with a jam-packed day. To begin, we toured Canon’s Burbank headquarters. Director of Marketing Michael Bravin gave us a tour of the facility, showed us a film utilizing their equipment, and let us test out some of the cameras using a pre-made set. What I loved most about this visit was watching the camera geeks explore and play with all of the cameras. I love filmmaking, but I know I’m not the most interested in the technical aspects of it. So, I sat on the set and watched my friends test out the camera’s features.  

This moment reminded me of one of the reasons why I fell in love with LA last year: I love being around creatives. I don’t care what industry, department, or field you’re in; if you’re creating something and you clearly love it, I want to be around you. How quickly a camera autofocuses is cool, but watching my cinematographer friend absolutely geek out at it is the coolest part to me.

Back in the valley again, we visited animation studio, Splash Entertainment. The prevalence of animation on this trip surprised me. I didn’t expect to meet and learn from so many people in the animation side of the industry when I left for the trip. Nevertheless, I valued hearing their expertise, specifically relating to business. The most surprising thing I heard was from co-founder Mike Young, who told us they accept script submissions. I have ideas for animated films and obviously this answer was quite appealing. But the most shocking part of it was that they don’t require you to have an agent like most production companies normally do. Maybe I’ll work with Splash one day, but for now, I respect them for this policy.

Following our busy morning, we drove to Beverly Hills for a tour of the William Morris Endeavor, a talent agency. I don’t know if this building has been used in films before or if films have modeled sets off of the building, but there was something incredibly familiar about it. Our tour started late, so we had to leave early. Before we did, our contact, Marissa Phlipot, explained how the agency works. One of my goals I made for myself over the past year was to develop a deeper understanding of the business side of “show business.” This experience definitely helped me towards achieving that goal. 

On our way out of WME, we ended up in a crowded elevator with one of the agency’s prominent music agents. The elevator ride lasted maybe 10 seconds, but our professor used this moment to remind us the value of an elevator pitch. This was definitely a prime example of how these moments can be crucial, but I would ask elevator manufacturers to stop making them move at the speed of light. It’s kind of hard to “pitch” when the elevator ride ends after you’ve said hello.

Our final stop on day eight: Breakwater Studios. Both this and last year, this place inspired me, gave me a sense of agency, and showed me the possibilities that exist for me. The people who work at this company are not far off in age from me. They are creatives with a passion for storytelling and they put out phenomenal work. For two years now, I have left Breakwater with a smile on my face and a renewed love for filmmaking. In a massive industry, I find myself gravitated towards companies like Breakwater, where collaboration feels familial and close.

I don’t think our eighth day in Los Angeles could have been busier. This day reminded me of the reasons I love filmmaking, while giving me fresh insights on parts of the industry I didn’t know much about previously.

[revisitingthecityofstars]

Day 9 - May 23rd, 2019

Day nine in LA had a familiar feel. The big event of the day was the taping of “The Talk,” a morning talk show. We arrived early in the morning and found our seats at the front shortly after. Once again, I focused more on how the crew worked together to bring the show to fruition. I intently watched all of the moving parts in between every take to see how the show operates. I tried to glean as much as I could, hoping it could inspire new ideas for my own TV show, “The Turn.” But I think my focus shifted too much on clapping at the right moments. The weirdest part (and the most familiar) of the day: William Shatner, who we lovingly nicknamed “the Shat” last year. I don’t know the statistical odds of meeting the same celebrity a year apart on a different TV show, but somehow it happened. Also, John Travolta is bald now. Who would’ve thought.

I looked forward to the end of day nine more than a lot of the events we went to in our two weeks. A networking event at Jim and Dawn O’Keeffe’s house in Pasadena marked the end of the day. We stayed at their house last year, so it holds a special place in my heart. I felt like I was back home walking through the front door. Going out on the back porch where so many memories had been made just a year prior overwhelmed me with nostalgia. I sent a video to the group from last year and we talked about how much we missed the trip. I realize this has nothing to do with the film industry, but this was the place where a lot of what changed in my life over the past year began and it meant so much to me to be able to go back.

Throughout the night, I listened to the helpful words from Jim and Karen Covell, Mark McBryde, Tiffany Murray, Matt Hazelrig, Coco, and the O’Keeffe’s. At one point in the night, Coco asked us to say a word that we would describe us as. I don’t know where it came from, but the only word I could fathom was “capable.” I think this came from a deep place of insecurity I have struggled with for years.

Being a woman in this industry, especially one often in leadership roles, is something I am so proud of and yet, so uncertain about. I have never left a shoot and not worried if I came off too controlling, demanding, upfront, blunt, etc. My heart rate climbs into the 100’s when my work airs in class, worrying about what people are going to say after the credits. I worry about people writing me off before they know my abilities simply because of my gender. 

I would say I am mostly confident in my abilities, but it is a constant battle to remind myself this. So, “capable” is the word I said. I don’t remember where the conversation with Coco went, but I remember hugging Dawn and the end of the night. She looked at me and said “you are capable.” This moment warmed my heart so much. I don’t remember if I said thank you, but I hope she knows how meaningful those three words are.

[revisitingthecityofstars]

Day 10 - May 24th, 2019

The beginning of day ten brought something I hadn’t had in a while: a breakfast that didn’t consist of a bagel or cereal. We drove to Santa Monica for breakfast with Kevin Tenney, a writer and director of horror films. Kevin’s lighthearted and thoughtful nature made for a welcome and educational breakfast. Joining us was Cathy Podewell, an actress who got her start in one of his films. I had never met a director and one of their actors at the same time, so I jumped at the opportunity to ask them about what their experiences have been in those roles and any advice they had for new directors. The consensus I got from them was to put trust in your actor and don’t over-direct them. Both advised against line readings to your actor, which is something I had never thought about (and hopefully have never done). I greatly enjoyed hearing both of their perspectives and made sure to absorb the advice they had to give as I further my directing career.

Immediately after breakfast, we went back to the house to meet with Joseph Lanius, an entertainment lawyer and executive producer. I met Joseph and his wife, Aalia, last year. My mom is a friend of Aalia’s and they kindly hosted us in their home, giving us some of the best advice we got on the whole trip last year. Meeting with him again provided more insight into the industry, focusing on the business and legal side of things. Getting to hear from people tuned into the business of the industry is rare, so I spent most of our time with Joseph listening. That’s another thing I’ve learned about this trip: the value in listening. 

A tour of Warner Brothers finished out day ten. I can honestly say the tour was incredibly underwhelming. I don’t know if it’s because I toured Universal a year before and had seen pretty much the same things. Or because the tour was just plain boring. What kept me smiling and laughing was the group on the tram with me. We could barely shut up and listen to what our guide was saying because we kept cutting up and making jokes. Ironic that the last paragraph I wrote on here was about how I should listen more. Progress takes time.

[revisitingthecityofstars]

Day 11 - May 25th, 2019

The eleventh day of the trip resulted in some of the best laughs and most fun. We began at Lloyd Production Studios, a filming and recording studio run by Eric Morelli. He showed us around the studio and gave us individualized advice based off of what we all wanted to do. He showed us kindness and offered encouraging words, something I appreciated greatly. We stopped for donuts on the way to our next stop of the day: SSI.

I was looking forward to SSI before the plane for LA took off. I enjoyed the visit tremendously last year and getting to go back was a treat. Going on a Saturday meant the office was empty, and sound mixer and MTSU alum Matt Guiler gave us a full tour of the building. We saw all of the mixing stages, watched trailers he had mixed, and chatted about the industry. 

What I loved about this year’s visit to SSI was being surrounded by RIM students. The questions they asked and the perspectives they provided wouldn’t have happened had they not been there. Originally, I was apprehensive about blending the two departments together on the same trip. However, as the two weeks unfolded, it became apparent to me that having other students in a seemingly-completely different field provided a fresh outlook and more things to discuss and learn than I imagined.

We ended day eleven at one of the touristy places I don’t think I could ever get over. Driving up to Griffith Park at night as an event is letting out didn’t provide the most peaceful experience, but it was well worth it. As I looked out over the city from the observatory, it reminded me how much I love LA. 

The city seems endless from that high up, which feels like a metaphor for the endless possibilities it offers. Every person we met on this trip has a different backstory. They come from different places, had different opportunities thrown their way, and went down different paths. My career will not be the same as theirs, but it is up to me to decide what it ultimately ends up being. There is no clear path for me to follow, but there are endless possibilities of what that path may be. In a world where I so often feel powerless, the view of the city made me feel powerful.

[revisitingthecityofstars]

Day 12 - May 26th, 2019

The last weekend of the trip ended on a fun and educational note. The film kids loaded up and headed to The Village Studios. Touring such an iconic recording studio was a privilege. Seeing the RIAA plaques on the walls of my favorite artists and albums highlighted the creative energy the place holds. I came on this trip to learn more about the film industry, and yet every “RIM” event we went to, I found myself growing a deeper appreciation and fascination with the music industry.

To finish out the day, we traveled up the road to West Hollywood for a networking event at audio engineer and MTSU professor Daniel Rowland’s house. Some of my favorite memories of last year were formed here, so I was thrilled to return. After ordering dinner for the party and hearing the tail end of songwriters Brian Kennedy and Angélique Cinélu chat with the group, I found myself surrounded by alumni of MTSU’s film program. I finally met Tiffany Murray, who graduated a few years ago and have heard a lot about from my film professors. We chatted about numerous topics, and I tried to absorb as much advice from her as I could. Hearing advice from a woman who graduated from the same program as me and is living and working in the city I aspire to meant so much to me. Her reassuring, but realistic guidance couldn’t have been more helpful.

In chatting with Tiffany, more and more alums arrived at the party, and our group began outgrowing the kitchen. Eventually, the film kids and alums ended up in a side room where we were able to ask them questions about their experiences in the industry, what it’s like living in Los Angeles, and work-life balance. I can’t even attempt to write down everything I learned from this night, but I can describe a moment of realization I had.

Right before we migrated out of the cramped kitchen, I told some of the alums that I wanted to write and direct films, to which I was asked “what kind of movies do you want to write?” This question always feels loaded to me. I want to write every genre. I can’t think of a single genre I haven’t had an idea for. 

When I responded with this answer, he asked me what were common themes in my work thus far. While I had never thought of an answer to this question, it came to me quickly: activism. The three films I released from my Single Camera II class the previous semester all had some form of my political and social beliefs, whether subtly or overtly. One dealt with what it is like to be a woman walking alone at night, another had characters communicating via American Sign Language, and the last was a piece on Earth Day and the importance of environmentalism. 

I didn’t realize how pervasive my beliefs were in my films until he asked me this question. I have struggled over the last 5 years with loving filmmaking, but also wanting to feel like I am making a difference in the world politically. This moment reminded me I can have both. And I should.

[revisitingthecityofstars]

Day 13 - May 27th, 2019

As the trip wound down, so did we. Memorial Day meant a day off for the country, as well as, us. I didn’t have anything I was itching to do, so I joined Professor O’Brien and few other students for a trip to the Los Angeles County Museum of Art. 

I’m not the biggest fan of art museums, but it was still an enjoyable experience surrounded by creative energy and good company. For lunch, I picked out a Mexican restaurant, El Coyote, not knowing it was a pretty famous spot. Autographed pictures of celebrities cover the walls in the entrance. We wondered if they have a collection of famous people’s pictures in case they come in, or if they print them on demand. A very thought-provoking experience.

Our final stop of the day was our last touristy item left: the Hollywood sign. If Professor O’Brien reads this, I would like to apologize. Wrongly leading a 15-passenger van down a narrow, windy road while en route to the Hollywood sign was not my best moment. But we made it in one piece and trekked up the hill to see the sign in all of its glory. Once again, the magic had worn off the second time around, but I will now always hear Garrett saying “spinch” when I think of the Hollywood sign.

Free day ended with several rounds of Quiplash. Sharing some of our last laughs of the trip together on this night was bittersweet. What I love about this program is that it allows you to form connections with people you would likely never get the chance to. While it allows us to grow our network with people working in the industry, it more importantly allows us to grow a network with each other. 

It’s more likely that we will end up working with each other than the people we meet along the trip. Getting to form genuine connections with my fellow students and my professors brought me so much joy. We have already talked about working on each other’s class projects, reading and critiquing each other’s scripts, and acting on my TV show. In two weeks, I gained new friends and relationships I look forward to continuing for years to come.

[revisitingthecityofstars]

Day 14 - May 28th, 2019

How do you end a trip like this? I don’t think I could have planned a day that would have been as fun as our last day was. And that was the beauty of it. I had no idea my last full day in Los Angeles would be as amusing as it was, but it was exactly what we all needed.

Home and Family was our first stop of the day. There we met with engineer Steve Bell and production manager Wileen Charles. They showed us around set and explained how the show runs every day. What I liked about H&F this time around was that Wileen gave us all rundowns of the show. Maybe it’s the organizer/producer/manager side of me, but getting to see the way a professional television show organizes and plans everything fascinated me. 

Last year, Professor Chilsen suggested I consider production manager or assistant directing as a possible career path. I hadn’t thought about it before, but since then, it’s something I have looked into more. Listening to Wileen talk about her job and how the show runs made me realize that this job is something I can easily see myself doing while I work on getting my scripts sold and directing gigs secured. I wish I would’ve talked to her one-on-one about her work, but hindsight is 20/20.

Our last event of the entire trip was visiting Jimmy Kimmel Live! led by MTSU alum Mac Burrus. I didn’t know what to expect from this event, but I definitely didn’t expect for us to get to do as much as we did. Mac showed us around the entire building: the set, performance stages, audio mixing booth, and control room. My favorite part of the tour was in the control room and seeing how a professional live television show functions. We spoke with the director, technical director, lighting designer, and cameramen in the few minutes we were in there. The positive atmosphere was palpable; everyone there seemed like they genuinely enjoyed what they were doing. It’s weird that this sticks out to me so much, but enjoying your job seems like such a rarity these days. 

For the taping of the show, Mac set us up in a green room where we could watch everything. When the musical guest, The Specials, performed, he took us out to the stage to watch it. We met Jimmy Kimmel and took a picture. I don’t remember much from this, but I do remember Austin saying, “I think you’re my dad” to Jimmy. Never a dull moment.

Following the fun of the show, we headed to the Tam O’Shanter, another favorite from last year. At our last meal together, we went around the table and shared our favorite moments. Our professors gave a toast and we sang one last happy birthday to the many who celebrated during the trip. I mentioned this earlier, but it was during this meal where I left and sat outside for a minute by myself. I still don’t entirely know what compelled me to do this. I felt anxious, sad, and claustrophobic. Leaving was the only thing I thought I could do. I don’t know what I missed, or how many bad jokes I didn’t get to laugh at, but I still don’t regret leaving. Those moments of clarity gave me something I needed at the moment, even if I’m not entirely sure what it was.

On our way back home, I asked Professor Chilsen to take a fun way back home. This led to a long drive through the hills, with some of the best views of the city at night. I barely talked during this drive, spending most of my time looking out the window and feeling the breeze coming through it. I was still feeling the mix of emotions I felt at the restaurant. At one point, I just wanted to be home. 

But seeing the city from that view was worth everything. I needed time to be out of my head, drive around, and look out at what was passing me by. At one point, I, probably too bluntly, asked everyone in the van to stop talking and just look out the windows. Maybe it’s because I have been through this before and I know how much they will miss this experience or maybe I was being selfish and just wanted peace and quiet, but I needed everyone to have a moment of silence and reflection. 

I described this day as the best way to end this trip, despite ending it on a melancholy note. I don’t think I could’ve ended our last night with a smile on my face. Sometimes sadness is the best way to process a good thing.

[revisitingthecityofstars]

Day 15 - May 29th, 2019

I couldn’t believe this day was here when it arrived. I remember it being the fourth day and thinking there was no way we had only been in LA for four days. By the time our last day came, it felt like our time had gone by in the blink of any eye. 

When our final day rolled around, I experienced nearly every emotion in the book: sadness, happiness, relief, anger, anxiety, motivation, and the list goes on. Sitting in the window seat, I stared outside, taking in my last look at Los Angeles for who knows how long. 

As the plane took off, I played “Sedona” by Houndmouth. This song holds a very special place in my heart. It was the first song we listened to last year, and I made a point to make it the first song we listened to this year. The lyrics speak so much to the situation I’m in. The nostalgic, happy-sad feel of the song exemplify my emotions regarding the trip perfectly. Listening to it while the plane circled over the City of Stars, I held back tears. 

It’s either incredibly corny or I am hopelessly cynical, but I feel an indescribable connection to LA. I felt it last year, and it only intensified this year. I left a part of myself in the city, and I can’t wait to return and get it back.