revivefeelings-blog - Tumblr blog

[revivefeelings-blog]

i overreact

I miss you. It’s Friday night and I used to look forward to Friday nights so so much because it meant I got to see you, and have so many cuddles, and fall asleep in your arms. I feel like I’m coming home to you, and I feel so safe and warm.

Anyway I was thinking again about what you said you didn’t like about me -- “we fight a lot”. Yes, we do fight a lot, a lot more than I would like us to fight, and I know that I do have a much higher tolerance for disagreements than you do! I thought more about our arguments and why it felt like they kept coming up, and I realized that we have a lot of repeat fights over the same events and things. It’s common for one of us to bring up something from the past that we have already “fought” about before, as if it were a new thing. I’ve also discussed with you that sometimes I find it a bit passive aggressive when you bring things up from so many months ago that I’ve already started to forgotten, or that I’ve already apologized for so many times, or that I really thought we had already resolved those issues. But thinking about it more now I realize that there might be more to it than that.

I thought that the constant fighting was a `cause` of our relationship problems, that because we can’t seem to agree on things that it was making us sad and upset at each other. And some of that may still be true. I do overreact and I know that is upsetting to you, and I really want to stop overreacting. 

But I think the fighting might be a consequence too. A normal day happens and then something bothers me, then I try to bring it up casually and peacefully, but I think you have a tendency to avoid all conflict and so you prefer to deflect or defer my comments. Your immediate response is to not really say anything, so then I feel compelled to repeat myself in a more expressive manner (i.e. more intense), and sometimes you would still ignore me. It occurs to me that you don’t like conflict, and think that problems will go away if we don’t talk about them, or if we pretend they don’t exist. 

Even in the issue regarding our breakup, for the weeks after we officially broke up we were still hanging out and everything would be fine and dandy until I ask you questions about our relationship. Then you do your classic move... “let’s talk after we eat breakfast”, and then after breakfast you would delay “the talk” until after the next activity. We have actually gone a whole day (or more) with me asking you to have a certain conversation (”hey we just ate breakfast can we talk about it now”) and you would defer... you have even said “we will talk next week”. 

I know that these conversations are really hard, and that it’s really hard to express your emotions into words, and sharing that with me makes you feel really vulnerable. But to me it feels like half the time I’m in limbo. There’s something constantly on my mind but I’m not able to discuss it with you. And even when we start talking about it, you still want to squeeze in distractions so that we can interrupt the conversation for a few seconds. This really frustrates me, because what I feel to be a 10 minute conversation takes hours, sometimes weeks. And sometimes, I think the conversation never actually finishes.

And that’s why the fights keep resurfacing, because we don’t ever dig deep enough to resolve them. You have asked me to express my unhappiness the moment they happen, but when I bring them up with you I find that you withdraw a little from me and from our difficulties.  

Honestly, I am really sorry for overreacting so much and causing the both of us unnecessary pain. I am so sorry for pushing you away and crying so much because I don’t know how else to convey myself and my sadness. But I feel strongly that I do try to reach for you in a more reasonable and rational way, but it did not succeed. 

When you tell me to wait until after dinner, or after boba, to answer my questions, it hurts me. When you say “I’m thinking” as a response to my questions but it has been six hours or six days, it hurts me. It makes me feel like you don’t want to reach into yourself to find out the truth. It makes me feel like I’m focusing on healing our wounds, but you just want to wait for something else. 

I still believe we can heal. I believe that our love is real. I believe that we have the genuine connection and understanding to make it through the years and the decades. But I also feel like I’ve been fighting an uphill battle for a long time. I want to reach out for you, but our hands don’t meet because you’re not reaching out enough to me. And that’s perfectly okay! Maybe you are not ready to be so emotionally vulnerable and invested, or maybe you are not willing to do it with me within our relationship. Maybe it’s the wrong time, maybe I’m the wrong person, or maybe you had tried with me in the past but have changed your mind. That’s all okay. I accept you and will always respect your choices. 

I miss you so much. I think about you in the most unexpected of moments. Today I was in a store and saw that they carried this deodorant that I once bought online from a startup and you thought it was hilarious that there was a deodorant startup! Today my mom told me a funny story about a mid 40s man being interested in picking me as his chosen bride. Today my mom and I ate at the pho restaurant that we like, and I remembered how excited you were to order. Today we moved offices and I went home early. 

I have also sent you links and posts on text but you don’t read them even though you’ve been online multiple times today. I know it’s unhealthy to check your last active time so I’ll try to stop but it is indeed very tempting to know that you’re on the computer or phone and if I called you might pick up. But I think I get the hint now, you don’t want me to contact you anymore.

[revivefeelings-blog]

you always make me laugh, even in the middle of an argument. even right after i cried so so much. even when i feel so much pain.

you open me up for joy and happiness, and i love you

[revivefeelings-blog]

on being enough

I have always known that I harbor great fears of abandonment. From the very beginning even before our relationship began I had been afraid of you leaving me. I have always been afraid of being left. I know that this is related to my childhood baggage and it has nothing to do with you, but it still comes up a lot and I know that it still affects me greatly.

A large part of my fear of abandonment is closely related to the fear of not being good enough, or more generally, not being enough. This is a broad and abstract statement and that’s why it’s so dangerous. In general I don’t feel like I’m enough for anything... and certainly never felt like I was enough for you. I realize that I started to project these emotions onto you. I take the most innocent of comments or actions and turn it into how you don’t think I’m good enough for you. And then we fight about it and you don’t understand why. And to be fair, in retrospect I don’t understand why either, because there was no good reason.

I hate to admit this but maybe part of my attraction to you was that I felt that I wasn’t good enough for you. And this is no way to start a relationship. Thank you for teaching me so many things. I will hold our memories close. 

My feelings towards you remain the same -- there is love, respect, commitment, and a deep desire to make this work. But I now understand that this is not enough and it is extremely naive of me to see the world in such black and white terms. Relationships are more complicated, and my failure to understand means I’m not ready. I still have so much learning, and growing to do, and it’s unfair to ask you to stay while I cannot give you what you need -- which in addition to my feelings, is stability and a quieter understanding. 

[revivefeelings-blog]

on arguments regarding values

I want to preface with that I don’t think that we actually have different values. I’m pleasantly surprised that we have almost all values in common (I actually cannot think of a large moral issue in which we disagree), including respect, understanding, and integrity. You truly are a fabulous man and I have so much respect for you. 

In spite of this, we often get into arguments regarding values. Usually, I’m the one who starts the fight. I know that it’s my fault that things get out of hand. It goes like this: it would be a normal day, we are having a normal conversation, and you make a comment that seems normal to you, and would seem normal to 95% of the country’s population. But for some reason, I get hung up on a word or a phrase, or even the tone of which you say it! Then I say something like, “that’s kinda racist/sexist/elitist/...etc” and then you naturally defend yourself by saying “no it’s not I’m not a [racist] person!”. Then I get even more upset because I assume that instead of listening to me and my concerns about issues that really important to me, you are instead being defensive and not listening! So then I feel compelled to go on a super long and excessively charged rant that is often loud and uses even more aggressive language. And of course, when I become angry it appears like I’m blaming you for being a bad person, especially when I start to raise my voice. Then it starts to spiral -- you get more upset at me because you think I’m saying you’re a terrible person who says terrible things, and I get more upset at you because I’m trying to make a point and I feel as if you are not listening and are instead focusing on relieving yourself of blame and responsibility. I know that you didn’t intend to do anything bad, and I know that I never intend to get so upset and let my emotions take over me.  I never intend for it to get like this. I just hoped for a peaceful discussion in which I share my thoughts, you listen, and then we can discuss what you actually meant when you said that phrase that I was so focused on dissecting and analyzing, and then I will realize that it was just a simple miscommunication, and that I should have never doubted that you would say something that would actually be offensive to marginalized populations.

So, let’s try to look at a few cases in detail. The most recent one: you were deciding whether to tell me a story, because you knew I would disagree with your thoughts on the situation. I had a feeling that I would be upset, and promised myself to stay in control of the situation, that I know what you were about to say would be related to something we had disagreed about before, and I knew that I should be patient and listen to everything you had to say before I say anything reckless. Needless to say, I lost all control and spiraled so, so badly. 

You were in your car with a friend, helping her move out of her apartment. She gets in the car with you, the car ignites, and the radio plays. She makes a comment about how she doesn’t like American pop music, and turns the radio off. You said that she said “how could anyone like listening to this?”. Your response to this situation was that your friend agreed with you on the state of most American pop music on the radio, which instead of listening and understanding what you were trying to tell me, I got really upset for reasons that I made up in my head, and lost control of the situation.

This is my opinion on that situation, now, that I’m in a better headspace. In general, independent of this event, I believe that music (as well as art, and all forms of creative expression) are subjective -- that is, different people and cultures have the right to create and appreciate whatever they want. This accounts for the huge variety of music that is found around the world, in large cities and in small villages. This is very important to me -- the belief that people can like the music they like without being categorically judged. This means that I find broad statements like “people who like country music don’t know what music is” really rude and offensive, both to country music itself and its fans. In this light, my opinion on what your friend said about American music sounded like a generalization that 1. the music itself is bad -- but this cannot be true if music itself is subjective to the listener’s opinions, and 2. that the people who like listening to this type of music are somehow inferior to those preferring a different style. Because I took a few giant logical leaps to reach this conclusion, I thought what your friend said was rude and elitist. I told you this, and you got upset at me. This makes sense because I was not able to convey all of my thought process to you, and so it just seemed like I was insulting you and your friend. I then tried to make things better by giving you an analogy -- what if all of this happened in South Korea, where all the radio stations only play k-pop? Instead of helping, this added more fuel to the fire because I was not getting your point at all. By this point I was completely consumed by my thesis and could not digest what you were trying to tell me. 

This is how I should have approached the situation. First, I should have asked a few more clarifying questions -- “ what song was playing?  is there any currently popular song that she does like? maybe something by ed sheeran -- everyone likes that one ed sheeran song right? “ This should elicit a smile or a smirk from you, and we can continue the discussion in a calm way. We should have talked about the kind of music that your friend prefers instead, and why she has that preference. Then, I can say something thoughtful like “oh yeah honey I know you also don’t like most of the music they play on the radio, we should make a spotify playlist for when we spend a lot of time driving!” This would show that I understand the point of your story -- you were trying to tell me that someone else, a friend of yours, shares a similar opinion to you about the kind of music you enjoy, which is important to you. I should have realized this, and focused on that, instead of going on an aggressive tangent about any potential motive or intent behind your friend’s actions. It doesn’t really make much sense that she was trying to make an elitist claim on music, or saying anything personally bad about the people who listen to the radio. She was trying to express her opinions on her preferences, which also happens to be the viewpoint that you share. I know that this is important to you, and I should not have let myself get carried away because of my assumptions on the motives of a singular phrase that I was not even there to experience firsthand. I am so, so sorry for missing this opportunity to listen to you and show you that I care and understand about the things that matter to you.

I know it’s probably too late to apologize for this now, and I know that I have messed up on so many chances that you have given me. I want to apologize because I do have a tendency to be hyper-focused on values that I care about a lot (in this case, my mistaken analysis of elitism) and I know that when I get carried away I’m not pleasant to be around. I wished the situation never got so bad. I really thought that with my South Korea analogy you would understand my rationale, and maybe you could have said something that explained that this was not the point of this story. I wish you said something like “sigh pot, this is not about elitism or objective criteria on what is considered `good` music. I’m just trying to tell you that my friend also wished the radio played more kinds of music!” I wish that if I had heard this, I would immediately leave my delusions, and bring my attention back to you. 

For a long time I have been trying to find a way to say how much I appreciate you and your music. You love music so deeply, more than just knowing the words to your favorite songs. You know things about their composition, their history, their authors, the instruments used in the process, the many different digital processes that goes into music production. You hear so many things that I never knew existed -- sounds from obscure instruments to interesting pops of noise that adds character to the songs. I want to tell you that I really feel like you have opened my eyes (and ears) to a new dimension. I recognize so much more now, both the songs themselves and the style in which they belong -- which is something that I would have never learnt without you. My life has been enriched because of your passion and your vast knowledge and deep curiosity. I should have used this incident as an opportunity to show you that I understand, that I think you really do have the most beautiful taste in music -- a beautiful combination of melody and more complex music theory that I cannot describe, but the result of which is that it is incredibly moving. You have said that music is about the feeling, the emotion that it creates, the things that cannot be expressed with words or lyrics alone. I admit that I have always just been looking at lyrics and references to other lyrics, and that I never realized that there were so much cymbals and how much they contribute to the songs. I would love to share with you that the lyrics to many popular songs are not always what they say at face value, and that often the writers intend for there to be more than meets the eye. I hope that you would find this interesting, and maybe provide you with a tiny bit more information about the music that you already know and love. I really wish that I could express all of this to you on that day, and I have so many regrets that I was not able to tell you all of this before. 

[revivefeelings-blog]

I’m really not the kind of person to beg anyone to be with me, but with you it’s so hard to say goodbye. I know it’s naive but I feel like we really could resolve our problems. I know you said that we’ve been trying for so long without success, and that we’ve been fighting about the same things, but deep down I feel right when I’m with you, even during the worst moments. Relationships are hard and there are many differences between us that makes simple things harder than they should be but I know that I have enough patience and love to resolve our issues together. I used to doubt in the longevity of our relationship and I guess you are having the same doubts now, so I understand. We come from different cultures and were brought up in completely difference universes. The odds are definitely against us, I know. I should want something easier, and I know you would prefer something much more free flowing, without major conflicts. I know I’m a bundle of unfiltered emotions and I overreact to so many things and I don’t pick my words carefully when I’m caught up in the moment and I wish I could be a calmer version of myself. I’m working on it but I don’t know how long it would take for me resolve these issues. Of course I wish that you would be next to me while I go through self-discovery and change to become a better, more mature person but I know that this is not something I can request of you or anyone. 

You said that you feel like you can’t see a future with me, you can’t share a life with me, you don’t feel supported by me in life, you can’t confide in me about certain topics that are important to you. I understand this sentiment more than you know, because there are so many things that I have never shared to anyone, not because I’m afraid of what they will say, but I’m afraid of who I’ll be after I let go of the masks that I wear. I used to say that I’m waiting for the right person to feel such a powerful connection with that I expose myself, but I’m slowly realizing that it was never about the other person. There are plenty of good friends that will keep my emotional outbursts to themselves and the world would not care, but I’m the one that cares about what people think of me. I know that it is hard and I’m still not able to do it, but that is because I’m still not ready to face all of my demons at the same time. Of course I disagree with your sentiment because I do see a future with you, even though I currently can’t confide everything to you, because I know that it takes a lot of time for me to open up, but I trust that I will open up to you, independent of what your hypothetical responses will be, because I trust that you will love and support me. Because I know you want what’s best for me, and want me to get over my insecurities and problems so that I can make more progress in my life goals. And I know you don’t see it now, and maybe you never will, but I have always wanted what’s best for you, and I really wish I could express to you how I see you -- pure kindness and warmth -- and that I will always be there to support you in all of your struggles in life -- past, present, and future. This, I choose to do, because I feel like my life is better with you, and also hope that you feel that your life is better with me too. 

[revivefeelings-blog]

Hi, I’m starting this account to put my feelings and thoughts into words, which is the medium that I’m most comfortable with and also one of the only mediums that can maintain my anonymity. I’m in love with a very special someone who has decided that he feels that it is in both of our best interests to separate. I disagree completely! but I also need to respect his wishes, and every time I try to talk to him I just become a complete mess and cry everywhere so I’m hoping that writing everything down will release some of the the emotional pain that I experience. I wish the absolute best of everything for him, and my hope is that one day I can be a part of his life again. I will love him, but only in the way that he wants to be loved -- even if this means that I’m not allowed to talk to him!

I thought it was a good idea to make an account so that I could have a place to waste time when I can’t focus on anything except you. It started out with judging everyone and struggling to justify why I’m doing this at all. Then it became a place for me to practice “being okay” again. I struggle with not being okay and the stress of feeling like I can’t control myself makes everything worse. I decided that since I couldn’t force my feelings away on the inside, I could make some dramatic changes on the outside. I spent lots of time looking at girls on Instagram to copy their looks and ideas, and experimented with new selfie camera angles. It was kinda annoying at first because I felt like I was succumbing to vanity, but it ended up being therapeutic in the sense that it gave me something to focus on and I was pretty impressed with the results. I imported these new pictures into the app and compulsively wrote a new bio every day. I wanted to be happy! and interesting! and funny and cool. I tried different emojis and descriptions and pictures and various list of interests. It was actually really nice, to pick out bits and pieces of my life that I liked and compose them into a short and cute bio. It’s not the most healthy approach, but it did help. 

I know this is messed up, but I was a teeny tiny little bit happy when I thought you were jealous. Yes I know that jealousy is bad, and that it makes you sad when you are jealous. But it made me feel like you still love and care for me. And I knew that there was no reason for you to be jealous, even though there was no way that you would have known that. I’m sorry about this, I should have thought several more steps ahead.