rflmtzzz

[rflmtzzz]

Everything just feels wrong.

For the last couple months, maybe even the last year, it just seems like everything goes wrong. It seems like stuff is going to go one way, and I get my hopes up--thinking that nothing could go wrong, just for everything to go completely wrong.

I feel my chest tighten up and I suddenly start to forget how to breathe. Why does this happen to me, why does everything start to go wrong, just when it was starting to go right?

I don't even know what to do anymore ... what am I doing wrong? What should I be doing instead?

I try and I try but I always get the same result. Maybe I'm just not enough and I'll never be enough? Maybe stuff is just meant to go wrong for me ... would make sense given my track record.

I wonder, what did I do to deserve this ... what did I do to deserve everything feeling so wrong?

[rflmtzzz]

I still think about you.

Each time I think about you, each thing I learn about you ... it makes my stomach toss and turn.

How could I have fallen for you?

What is it about you that made me feel so much for you?

I want to stop thinking about you, I want to stop remembering you ... but I still can't. I know one day I'll stop remembering you, I'll stop thinking about you ... but for now ... I still think about you. I still think about what could've been, but then I'm reminded of what wasn't. I'm reminded that it was all a lie, I never knew even an ounce of who you were.

Part of me wishes I had the opportunity to get to know who you were but ... I'm not sure what I would've done.

For now I still think about you, but this is temporarily ...

[rflmtzzz]

I'm lost.

I woke up Monday morning, feeling like life was a dream. Feeling like everything was going to work, feeling like everything was slowly falling into place. 

I woke up Monday morning, counting the days until Friday. I thought I was finally ready, I trusted you, I thought that would never hurt me. I thought that you were going to start telling me stuff, telling the truth. 

In my head, I knew there was a few things that you hadn’t been truthful about, but I knew there was also things I hadn’t been truthful about. Mine weren’t as critical as your, but they were there.

That Monday morning, I was willing to forgive it all.

That Monday morning, I went to the gym--all I wanted to do was to look good for you. The reason I worked out was so that I could be the best person that I could be for you. Monday was off to a great start, I posted my outfit video in hopes that you would see it. Maybe you’d tell me I look “cute,” maybe you’d say that I looked “handsome,” shit maybe you’d like it, which was enough for me. I can’t remember if you did anymore, because what happened later that day drove me into a frenzy.

My first class finished, I was feeling great--the sun was shining and everything felt amazing. I bought my favorite croissant, it was delicious. As I ate my croissant, I see that someone followed both of my TikTok accounts. I look at their profile and I see that they follow you. But … out of everyone in this world, why would they follow you. My head went to two places. One, maybe it’s their friend. Maybe it’s a life-long friend, a person that is in their life. I thought maybe this person shouldn’t know who I am … maybe I should block them because you aren’t ready for that. The second thought, maybe it’s an ex. Maybe they’re a bot. Maybe they don’t exist and they are following everyone that you do. I sent you a screenshot, I asked you, “Who is this person?” I waited for you to respond, for you to tell me anything. The hour passed, and I heard nothing.

They started sending me messages … they were weird. They didn’t make sense. I didn’t want to reply but something inside told me to reply. Told me to find out who is this person. Anyway, the messages start to end, I sent you the screenshots and you gave me an explanation. I believed you--even though it didn’t make sense. 

Shortly thereafter, my world crashed down. 

I started to get messages saying that you’re this and you’re that … saying that this person is someone special to you. That you’re not in a relationship with this person, but saying that essentially you are in a relationship. At that moment, I felt my stomach turn, my eyes water, and my head feels foggy. I pack up my stuff because my class is starting soon and I run to the bathroom. 

The croissant I just had, before my world was crushed, I threw it up. The coffee I was drinking, I threw it up as well. My eyes are red, and I can’t stop crying. I look at my watch and my class is starting soon.

I try to put myself together, but I know everyone can tell that I just cried. I sit in the back of class and I’m still crying. I try to pull myself together and I manage to stop crying, but as soon as my professor asks me something, my voice starts trembling. I just respond to her that I don’t have any opinions.

During the break, she asks me if I’m okay and I look at her and say no. She tells me I can leave class if I’m not feeling okay, but I decide to stay because I don’t know what to do.

Class keeps going and I start writing you a message, a message that I hope will receive a response from you. I hope that you’ll tell me that it’s a misunderstandings, that this person is lying … that this person was an old fling. Did I say too much in the message I sent you … probably, but compared to what I felt … it was nothing. I wanted to say even more, I felt even more in my heart.

I sent you the message, hoping inside to hear back from you. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, now almost a week and nothing.

In those initial hours, I would’ve believed anything you told me. Even now, I would try to believe what you tell me. 

But now … after this person has told me all these things about you, I don’t know whats the truth. Should I believe them? Are they telling me all this because they’re hurt? Are they scorned and making everything worse, exaggerating? I’m not sure. I hope they’re lying, I hope that everything they’ve told me is a lie … but I don’t know.

I really hope they lied to be about some things … I hope that they told me things that weren’t true, I hope that you aren’t the way they painted you out to be. Maybe they just wanted me to be as far away as possible from you. It would make a little sense … they did ask me if I was hanging out with you a few days later. I really hope this person exaggerated everything they told me, because the person they described wasn’t you--or at least not the person I thought you were. But then that makes me think, did I know you? It makes me think, if you had reached out to me would I have believed you. I just don’t know who I would trust … you, this stranger, myself? I already led myself astray once … so i don’t think I’m credible.

Some of the things this person told me ... they make sense. I know that they didn’t lie about everything, but I don’t know if there is an explanation. I want to believe that there is but the reality is that I don’t know. 

Regardless, now I’m here. Each time I close my eyes I think of you, I remember parts of you that made me smile. Except … now instead of smiles, the thought of you brings me tears. It makes me think, how could I have fallen for you, when you gave me nothing. You gave me false hopes.

You make me think, would I ever have been enough? The truth is … probably not. I have nothing to offer you. There’s absolutely no reason why you would have actually thought of me the same way that I thought of you. I keep thinking of your eyes, your smile, you in general. The way I felt when I saw you, it was great. I know that I never did the same for you.

Now I lay here in my bed, feeling an empty spot in my heart. Feeling like I don’t matter. I didn’t matter to you, why would that be different for anyone else. I know I matter to my family and my friends, but I just want to matter to someone else. I want someone to think of my fondly and think of me the way I thought about you.

I guess that’s just the way life is, you think one thing and in reality it’s something entirely different. 

I wonder if I’ll ever see or hear from you again. I wish I would, but I know that I won’t, I know that I shouldn’t.

I want to tell you how I’m feeling, I want to send you this but … I don’t know what the point is. Would you even read it? Would you even care? You would probably just laugh if I’m being honest, but I guess if you’re reading this … that means I sent it to you. It means that I was open with you again--even though you won’t care.

It means that I’m delusional enough to think that you’d be able to say anything at this moment that made me think it would all be okay.

I don’t know what I feel, but I don’t feel hatred towards you. I just hope that you’re okay, and I hope that one day I’ll also be okay.

If I did send this to you and you are reading this, I must look like a total idiot. I will say, I regret sending you that message. I regret not calling you and hearing what you had to say, but I can’t go back and change that now. I just have to keep trying to move forward, probably need to go to therapy if I’m being honest. All I want is to know where I went wrong, what should I have done … what could I have done.

Even now, after all these days I check my phone, I check my snapchat hoping that I'll have a notification from you, hoping that you sent me a message like you would before ... Even if it was a simple hi. But then I remember everything and it hits me again.

I wish you the best and I’m sorry for sending you this.