rhaenemys

[rhaenemys]

The inner build up of kinetic energy in potential state

that title is a little pretentious but idc. anyway. my “personal problem” situation is moving along. I’m technically independent now, although not fully. I still need some more things before being stable. It’s a long journey, and though I can’t run I can now stand.

Things have been… weird, to say the most, with the program i’ve been involved in. there’s a change of tide i think. and i grow increasingly unsure if the leadership position i’ve put myself in is right or not. i kind of feel like dipping. deleting the community. but i also feel a sense of responsibility to the people now involved because of me. I’ve made my bed and now I must lie in it. So we’ll see what comes of that, and if i’ll get my ass chewed out again. probably will lol. but i really am trying my best to be responsible and acquiesce the possible damage… we’ll see.

i’m still terribly undisciplined and lazy. i feel the frustration building inside me though. the feeling of wanting to run a marathon while sitting your potato ass on the couch. My mission is to continue with settling my independence and to clean out my life, so i may continue building. i really wish i could just live in a shack for a year so i don’t have to deal with all the useless life shit i don’t care about but am forced to entertain. I don’t want to visit my family right now. Not yet. Not soon. But they’re begging and it makes me feel like an asshole if I keep stalling. I’m the type of person that will do anything to get it over with. fuck.

[rhaenemys]

I want to learn from professors and teachers, be it humans around me or beings in other times, other places.

I’d like to choose various different subjects, like physics or quantum physics, geometry/numerology, languages, anatomy, geology, phlebotomy, dance, literature and poetry, art, history. and I want to learn from professors (mostly the sciences really). Like a college class. But I don’t want to pay the high amounts for it, or have it be part of some degree. I want to actually learn it. I thought maybe I could exchange something in return for it, be it sex which is easy currency, or assistance or chores… I don’t know. Just something. I’m sure there are some professors out there that would enjoy to have a pupil like this. Like how it is supposed to be. Someone has to take me under their wing like that, right?

And I don’t know when I’ll be proficient enough to talk to other beings and learn from them. But I’d like to. I don’t think I’m ready yet, but I want to be. And I’ll have all these teachers and find the answers I’ve been so hungry for. The thought of this is all so exhilarating to me!! And be able to mend the mental and metaphysical processes together, see how to work that out. And the physical of course. I feel like if I were to do this I’d find ways to support it (financially I mean). I don’t know. I feel like there’s a bright future out there for me full of experiences. Maybe that’s just the pisces dreamer in me. Of adventures, pain and bliss, a lot of learning. There’s many blockages I have to go through before I get to that forward momentum, since I’m so young and ingrained in mainstream society. But that’s okay, there are many things to be learned from this point anyway, a good foundation. And that’s what I need, so I’m not in too much of a rush. I’ll enjoy what I can before it is time to embark in that tunnel.

Anyway, that’s all.

[rhaenemys]

𝔐𝔶 𝔇𝔢𝔰𝔦𝔯𝔢𝔰

I want to explore so badly. I want to live with random people, with shamans and wise women and teachers. I want them to teach me. I want to learn all of it, all of the beliefs, all of the magic.

I want to integrate myself in communities, learn everything about them. I want to speak to the beings that live there, uncover whatever truths, experience shit only few have or will. I want to do little odd jobs to support myself but more importantly to bring me into spaces where else i might’ve not been able to enter. I want to get swept up.

I don’t want a family or children or a spouse… I don’t want to live in a little house for the rest of my life. The only reason I want to be rich is to afford to go where I want and study what I want, not for cars or friends or clothes or bullshit. I want to love many people. Men and women, whoever, it doesn’t matter!! All of them! I want to enter their stories and write them into my own.

But for now I am stuck. I can’t drive or be independent because of many factors. My immigration & relationship status keeps me from freedom. But that won’t be the case for long. Just a year or two more of this. And then life can start for real.