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What is the world coming to?
This whole abortion shit is ridiculous, I don't want kids or an abortion and I've only started having sex at 21 which lasted for a year. I made bad decisions about it because I lost respect for myself and just gave up. But I'm pro mind your damn business. It makes me cry and not want to live in a world that can say if you're raped or a family member has sex with you they can sue you for aborting. If y'all not gone make birth control easier to access and let is tie our tubes or force men to get that good ole reversible vesctomy then I'm not here for it. And the fact that people still act like bitches about sex education is beyond me. Like it makes me sick to my ovaries and my heart tighten to read some of this shit. I d don't want to bring a child into this world and I'd only want to have a kid of my own mostly because I love pregnant babies and it's beautiful but I also don't want the pain and the constant daily fear that something would go wrong and I have a shit ton of mommy issues so I'd rather not make another child to be brought into this generational curse. Instead I'd want to foster and or adopt because these pro life mf's dont give a shit about the quality of that life they forcing on the woman. Dick don't even do anything to me so before this I was basically done with sex anyhow aside from some failed attempts and after this I'm 90% over having sex if our bodies will be controlled because I don't like having my options taken away 5/19/19 11a
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Since I wrote that first post... I'll try to be chronological, so here it goes
I did find a job in June like two weeks before my birthday at Walmart in Boardman, even though I applied to the Liberty one that was much closer. But I guess the part of the application where I put my aunt (the CSS) down as my parent because I didn’t see an option for her to be my family and she’s way more like a mother than she is a sister, spouse or anything else. She’s very important to me so she has to be mentioned as a relative. But later I found out that I could have chosen the blank space.. oops my bad. At Walmart I was an apparel sales associate which meant I put back clothes that came from the fitting room and customer service; and at times I worked at the fitting room answering the phone and redirecting calls and making sure people know by over the walkie and over head, that they needed to answer these questions for the customers. Sure it wasn’t always that good but to me it was a good first job and it was a nice start to my own independence of freedom. Then the next month in July I got another job at JoAnn’s craft and fabric and I worked there for a few hours a week. JoAnns had a calm atmosphere and I learned how to cut fabric and to use the cash register but the fabric cutting was more fun. Then life was cool, I had a nice birthday party I had friends there and I had money to throw my simple party together and I had cheesecake and a cookie cake and I had my friends J*****, K*****, S*****, and my cousin J**** and her friend. Ooh and I forgot about T***** and I’m not sure if S******* was there or not, but she was at least there in spirit. And it was all cool, my dress was cute and my hair was curly, it was a nice girly dream. Then the next day all hell broke loose in a way. I was on kik talking to my friends while I was on my break then I was confronted by this old “friend” associate named W****** because the little girl (she’s two years younger than me) told W****** some wrong information. She told her that I said she changed and she kept insisting that she didn’t change. But at the same time I was insisting that I never said she changed I just saw her for who she was and didn’t like who I saw. But she just kept going like “I didn’t change, who are you to say that… blah blah blah”. But now looking back at it, she probably did change and there’s nothing wrong with that because she should change, we all should, we survived highschool/early college and moved on to college college. But in some confrontational situations I choose not to rise above or to stoop down because I don’t see the purpose in it, and I like to talk and have fun so I decided to keep texting her back simply words to her angry sentences and phrases because I wanted the last word and to enjoy it. I also kept my group of friends on kik I formed on what was going on because it was funny. This W****** girl then went to our mutual friend S***** who was basically the only reason I still knew W******, but she was telling her “get your friend, she whillin out blah blah blah…” talking trash and I’m just like okay I know that’s not true and have shown the proof that says so I need not to worry. But once that was all over when we ended up moving in together, because me and S***** went and signed our leases way back during spring break then W****** signed hers after and was trying to get out of it soon after. On move in day W****** was being weird, she was all friendly like she wasn’t so nasty to me the days after my birthday. But I played along but never tried to fully trust her again and I guess it’s good to behave when our parents and grandparents are around to help us move in. But there was never a confrontation like that again and that’s alright with me because I didn’t have the time to be more stressed out than I was being that I was a college student who pays my own rent and phone bill with minimal help. So we lived on life and slowly stopped seeing her and slowly stopped talking to her and she eventually moved out and I didn’t even notice… But I did notice all those boys she was messing around with but that’s none of my business 🍋🍵. So life was all cool and I was living free and feeling independent and I had my friends S*****, J*****, K*****, and even J****** and sometimes L*****. We were living life, and dealing with our struggles together overally. (Overally is my new created word of mine and it is an adverb used to describe the verb form of live.) I didn’t get a job again until the very end of October, because I was looking and applying but I didn’t try the hardest I could and plus I liked my freedom. But I knew I needed a job because my money was starting to dwindle down so I had to make that smart choice so I could struggle less in my future. I got hired at Kohls it was pretty cool and all. I sometimes like to go into things blindly to an extent. Before the interview I went to the store because I couldn’t ever remember going to a Kohls before so I needed to get an idea of what they sold. I also went on glassdoor and looked at some interview questions so I could have an idea of what I’d say. I got hired after just a few questions and I was happy. While working there I had good times, met some really nice coworkers, learned some cool things and the managers were cool too, mostly. I liked using the technology there, we had Bluebirds and RFs. Bluebirds were my favorite and I liked all the things it allowed me to do. I was able to stock and backstock items; almost all the items had pictures; I could get a general idea of where the items were located on the floor or in the stock room and I could easily see what other stores had. It was a really cool experience to use the technology. I was hired as a home and kids associate and for a while I spent most of my time in the kids department just folding clothes and picking up clothes and putting the fitting room and doing reshop that made its way to customer service. I liked working in that department and plus it was fun to see the kids and help the parents out with my knowledge of the clothes and even just seeing if we had anything else in a different size or color. I first started off in girls and spent a lot of time there, especially with that being the most popular department and having the most clothes left in the fitting room. I soon ventured off to spend time cleaning the boys and infants department and eventually there became lots of times when I was the only one in the kids department and since I typically closed, I kind of had to make my rounds. When I had the days when I worked in the home department for the majority of my work shift I would straighten things, and put out the reshop, but mostly I would fold the towels and make sure the rugs were neat. Sometimes it would take my whole shift to fold those towels. I also liked the slow days were there weren't much customers and no manager assigned projects because I could go into the stockroom and pull stuff to pit out on the floor. I think the backroom duties were my favorite part of working in the home department.
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Boys bOys boYs
My whole life I’ve always felt pressured when it came to boys… Pressured by my family members (biologically and socially related) to not have sex with boys and all, those other unrealistic things they told me because they didn't want me to make the same mistakes as them. There were also boys who pressured me to/suggested that I kiss them, have sex with them, and stuff. I felt so pressured that I didn't do much of anything.
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I remember when I was going through a lot of girl drama and a tough family situation and I watched "Un-Break My Heart" and I realized that my heart was broken by so many people I'd loved and listening to Toni Braxton's Pandora helped me deal with it since that day. Now I can listen to full albums of her and I don't need to cry anymore. I think I've glued my heart back together, for now...
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Idk
I think imma like this because it let's me be as weird as I want and I can learn to trust more and have shame less
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Over a year later
Wow, so much has changed in my life since I wrote that... And now I see that I can talk about it. My whole life I've see some heavy s*** like wow man, sometimes I can't even believe I survived but I know I did and I'm not going back. At a young age I learned, that I had this very special ability: I could literally talk until my breath ran out. But with all the bad things that happened to me, I wasn't able to talk about a great deal of my life because I felt I needed to protect everyone by keeping all of their secrets. As a little girl that made sense because that was how I didn't hurt them anymore. But recently I've been feeling more anxiety that went beyond my shyness because so much had happened in the time since but it was different. I had adult problems and I was no longer the hopeless little kid who couldn't see the abusive or even sexual activity that went on behind closed doors but I heard so much and I seen so much tears and abuse at times. I have no clue how I survived but I now know that I'm allowed to remember. I am allowed to have control over the things I can control because I am smart enough to know how to not hurt the ones I love. I've decided to talk about it on tumblr because 1: I'm pretty sure no one that I care about will see this 2: I know how to tell stories so I can create my own story without taking from anyone else I love 3: because of that I can be as vulnerable as I want without the fear of getting caught. I know that I'm only 20 and that when life knocks me down I can time my shoes and bite back if I need to. (PS that's like a mixture of all the cliche sayings that tells you to hang in there because it gets better.)
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The Beginning
So my name is Essence and for some reason I wanted to start a blog of some sort and I decided to do it here. I am eighteen years old, next month I will be aging up. I am usually the youngest of the bunch, having a summer birthday can suck for that reason but at least I get to be a cancer zodiac which I feel suits me well. I am currently a junior at The University of Akron (eight credits away from being a senior.) For my high school I went to an early college so I got my associates degree as I graduated high school. All in all it was a cool experience because I got some classes out the way and I didn’t have to pay for anything but the experience wasn’t as good as everyone makes it seem. Lots of it was hell and we busted our a**** to get everything accomplished, but I do wish I could have taken courses that were towards my major.Â
Oh and by the way my major is Biology and I plan on becoming a neonatologist which is a specialized pediatrician that cares for sick, premature and newborn babies. Its always tough for me to sum up a neonatologist’s description in one sentence because I’ve learned so much about them and I like to talk a lot, but I made quite the accomplishment. I try not to care too much about anything in life but kids are definitely one of my soft spots, I’ve always loved being around them and they just bring so much happiness to my life. So I decided that I wanted to be a doctor to make sure they would be healthy so they could make others just as happy as they make me.Â
My first year at UA was not one of my proudest moments, my gpa is like a 2.2 and I can’t seem to pass the worse class I’ve ever taken in my life called Humanities and its a requirement for practically the whole campus. I guess I could have done better in it but it was too demanding for me: you had to read at least thirty pages for each class roughly and answer questions for them. Then the tests were awful, mines were matching and some classes had short answers (who, what, when, where, why) and everybody’s had the essay portion worth like seventy percent. The second time I took the course my lecture professor just read off his notes and for me it didn’t correlate with the way I took notes but luckily I had a few notes from the first time I took the course as well as my friends notes and a book that seemed to help out some. When I took the first exam I received an eighty-seven percent (I don’t ever remember putting “an” in front of a number that starts with a vowel, but I guess that’s the rules) and then my other two exams I didn’t do as well but what set my first exam apart was that my teacher gave us a list of forty-two terms to study from and I read two of the readings out of like a million. For me a simple list with even more terms than what the exam would cover is enough for me to study from because I will then be able to use all of my resources to make definitions for them so I can study and be informed on the exam. But of course the list must have been a one time thing because the teacher didn’t do it again.Â
This semester I really plan to try my hardest and put my all into my studies and then some because I am so sick and tired of having a low gpa and it is ridiculous to see such horribleness on my transcript. Before all of that I will have to put my focus on getting a summer job to help pay my rent next semester because living in a dorm is not something I look forward to doing for a second time around. I really can’t wait to have my own bathroom and a stove. Living in a dorm for me was a very great experience though, I met amazing people and made good memories with them and none of us in my dorm had roommates so it was pretty cool. Being home for the summer is like torture because I started to miss being on campus before I even started my finals and it was nice to have my own independence and I wasn’t always stuck in the house doing nothing.Â
But hopefully getting a job will give me back some sense of being my own person because I’ll be out of the house more while making money. I almost believed that I was going to have one of the greatest jobs that I could ever wish for: being a nanny but it didn’t work out. Long story almost short, I started an account with care.com in 2012 because I wanted to be a babysitter and the commercials looked awesome but of course I never got any job offers until one random day (like two weeks ago) a “mother” texted me... blah blah blah... and I was soon led to believe that I was going to have this great job watching two kids for good pay and then another “mother” messaged me. I was emailing them back and forth and it seemed as if I could do both jobs and be able to still look for employment as like a cashier. But they both started having very similar stories and saying the same type of things to me and I kept feeling as if something was fishy about the whole thing. So I did some research on it and found out it was all a scam and that many young college students like my self were screwed over losing two thousand dollars and more with this whole thing. Its really scary to think of how I could have been victimized and how it would ruined my life so much, but at least I caught on to it before too much damage was done luckily.Â
Well I guess I’m about done for now and ready to almost go to bed. {p.s. Maybe one of these days I will finally get my sleep on schedule and stop going to be so “early.”} I think that having a blog will be an interesting journey for me in my life and what truly lead me to actually going through with this plan was watching Awkward. because its such a great tv show. And having my thoughts posted online makes it seem more therapeutic to me for some reason, I don’t know, I’m a weird kid. I believe this will be really fun because I love to talk a lot sometimes and I often get carried away with my words.  -word out (wordgirl reference)
May 22, 2015 6:43 a.
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