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the most romantic thing a character can do is prematurely ejaculate

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Konrad is getting creative with his torture methods

Audio from thehoochiegawd on instagram

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making these for book chars with no official art is a little harrowing bt here are the sev+rushal heads i drew if anyone wants them

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A bread is one of the most vulnerable animals on earth of all time. It can die in a number of different ways, which include being smashed, being old, being rottened, being crumpled up, getting too hot, having water put on it, and having water not on it but being in the air a lot (the water (mist)). The bread’s favorite way to die is being eaten, but the world is a complicated place, and it does not care for what the bread wants, and so it dies in a variety of ways which are not the preference of the bread.

Humans are considered the bread’s natural predator, and also, are the bread’s mommy (make/give birth to the bread). Humans are a large species of ant or plant or ele phant with two grasping appendages which they use to give birth to the bread. They also have one hole which eats the bread, and some other holes, which the bread is not allowed near, generally.

Some bread can go in the fridge. Some bread has fruit in it. Scientists don’t know why, as putting fruit in the bread is considered yucky, and scientists have difficulty imagining an organism that likes yucky things.

There is the anteater, which is an organism that likes yucky things, but scientists do not need to imagine it, because it is real.

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alright. the followup we've all been waiting for. top 10 primarchs who should be pregnant.

thank you for holding space for me to talk about my true passion (pregnant men) i really appreciate it. my opinions on this subject are multitudinous and annoying. i will try to keep it brief. also i'm going by pre-heresy to keep things consistent but obviously some things change at one point or another lmao

sanguinius. listen, my opinions on him are a matter of public record given that i've already written about him being pregnant once, but i have to say that he just kind of radiates fertile energy. not only is he up there in primarchs who would look good and be happy to have kids but i think he's probably the easiest one to get with child by far. he's using three different kinds of contraceptives and still the only completely effective way to prevent an accident is to put it in a different, less impregnable orifice.

lorgar is to me like one of those 30,000 year old venus statuettes, he feels like in his time people have/would have gone to him and sought his blessing for having children... he also would consider being pregnant himself to be a blessing and it would be very cute to watch his other kids fuss over him during pregnancy. more seriously his particular brand of insane fundie upbringing feels of the "pulling out is effective contraception" variety so such things... are not uncommon

i gotta give it here to the guy who likes having kids so much he renamed his army to remind everyone that he likes having kids. horus could & frankly should be an octomom i believe in him

you may be wondering why i don't rank fulgrim higher and the honest answer is that "childhood spent working in The Mines" feels like it's the kind of thing to fuck over his reproductive health for a while. BUT he would want it and eventually good ole primarch healing factor would take over. he would put bread on the table of so many aspiring artists commissioning them to paint portraits etc. of him in various states of undress showing off his belly bump he would brag about it he would demand foot rubs and have weird ass food cravings. luxuriating moisturized unbothered etc. having a great time

this is where we start getting into slightly greyer area, there's a few guys who could occupy this slot but ultimately i think i gotta give it to vulkan, because this list is kind of "most impregnable" but also kind of "most would want it". can you imagine him gleefully bouncing a baby on his knee. i can and it makes me tear up a little god damn he'd love that lil thing. ranked slightly lower in terms of overall fertility because naturally running hot could potentially make sperm unviable BUT ! this is hardly an impossible barrier to overcome :)

surely there's some joke to be made about russ and not spaying your dogs... i'm not about to make it. but i will put him right here at #6 because i would like to see him post-birth with six nipples breastfeeding his litter of wolf pups

putting magnus here for two reasons. one is that he could probably shapeshift himself a viable womb at any time if he wanted to and could be just about as fertile as he wanted to be since he's a biomancer and all of that, so really it's only his own reticence that's preventing him from being pregnant right now. two is that it would piss him off to be ranked just below russ on this list, which makes it too funny not to do.

guilliman, who has a natural fertility rizz only kept in check by the fact that he's extremely diligent with his birth control. the moment he goes off the pill and/or gets the IUD out though his uterus is fair game. i like to believe that in his pastoral fantasy he's also got a few roboutelets running around and realistically its only the fact that he's so career-focused that means he's not actively thinking about having kids. maybe one day! extremely unlikely, but maybe!!

dorn gets on here for no other reason than he is the kind of guy to want to experience natural childbirth without pain medication. freak (affectionate?)

alpharius (+omegon) also place because they have a pregnancy pact out of necessity. if one of them gets knocked up they've both gotta get knocked up to maintain their ability to swap out for one another. also half the legion ends up pregnant too, for the same reason. it's less that either of them are excessively fertile and more that only one of them needs to be for there to be a cascading mpreg domino effect that results in a small army of marinelings being brought into the world

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i caught up with deltarune btw :)

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i see all your tags on that post and thank you all for validating me btw but also i love that no one's commented on the assertion of consensual castrato rushal

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now that i'm more familiar with their respective games i'd like to clarify i meant ventris BUT honsou has "would be happy being pregnant but has serious fertility issues" vibes... the IV do not strike me as a particularly fecund legion, tragically. perturabo would get an IUD and not even need it but "which primarch is the most impregnable" really should be its own post

top 10 space marines who should be pregnant

fabius bile should be, has been, and will be pregnant again. its literally not even a competition. like we literally read in detail about his water breaking and him being shocked at having a healthy baby even though all of his equipment (ahem) is broken down and unviable and then later on he's like "i should have aborted that thing when i had the chance". the text talks about his womb and his messy divorce and him losing custody of his daughter. he's so mommy it's actually silly.

that guy from the IW pregnancy machine book gets a special mention even though i haven't actually read it simply because of the amount of genital TF and forced impreg stuff i've seen him subjected to. this is not a complaint. also just the fact that i can say "the IW pregnancy machine book" and it's not a joke means im legally obligated here.

abaddon, who does not really project any kind of pregnancy aura but would look great waddling around extremely rotund and pissed about it. we put him in maternity power armor and he's having a bad time. yeah i'm fetishizing him too don't worry. i think he'd be a terrible mother but also he would 100% breastfeed in the middle of strategy meetings and people would just have to deal with it

erebus but crucially it's a rosemary's baby kind of situation. he's chill with it though

i think all blood angels are inherently crazy fertile, being the offspring of the guy who is so fecund he's morally obligated to only do anal, but shoutout to azkaellon specifically for having "deliberately poking holes in the condom" energy.

not a book character but ulfar roguetrader got the opposite of a hysterectomy in commorragh. hysteroplasty??? is that what it is?????? anyways they were breeding him full of elves over there.

ahriman, on this list partially because you COULD argue that he's already a mother to hundreds of beautiful (if somewhat sandy) children, but mostly because i think tzeentch is a shadow contender for "patron god of chaos who would most be willing to make his devotees suitable for pregnancy on a whim". while most people would reasonably argue slaanesh for obvious reasons, or nurgle, transformation stuff is solidly tzeentch's domain and there's no reason to assume that it DOESN'T extend to "genital tf of your funny wizard for laughs". also imagine him big and round and still wearing that fuck ass mask. cute.

rushal. i don't think night lords are physically capable of carrying their own children, being descended from someone whose womb almost certainly has some sort of evil hex upon it, but that will not stop them from knocking up others. it's like a shrike type situation where they drop their young off in other birds' nests but in this case it was him getting an amateur orchiectomy-vaginoplasty wombo combo so sevatar could "accidentally" put a baby in him. ah well.

feels fucked up to have gone this far down the list and not have a death guard guy on here yet especially since i HAVE actually seen typhus pregnancy art (with flies but it counts, to me). DG as a whole somehow go very rapidly from "they would Not be able to conceive at all" to "having to pause mid-battle to quickly lay a few eggs before getting back to it". thank u grandpa\

titus. no specific reason other than i want him to be my pregnant wife

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I've started reading Horus Rising and I wanna marry Loken hope you see my vision

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a month+ after it dropped im about to start dr 3-4… I had to replay 1-2 bc I haven’t played since 2021 but don’t worry i am insane in the exact same ways I was back then

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money making

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when the former crime dawg turned rogue trader 'boutta steal your tits

OC: Vincent Emmanuel Andar von Valancius

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I am pleased to inform you all that from now on I will only draw him this way send post

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dumb thing that i thought would be rlly funny

(The ones between jae and argenta are mercs that my friend made since I've been playing the game with him)

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moar fem Fulgrim but now I also give tomboy Ferrus Manus to IH nation