ricinaddict-blog

[ricinaddict-blog]

monday, april 22nd. 4:50am. i feel like i missed out on the prime years of my life by staying at home. i never partied really, i never did much outside of hang out with friends and smoke weed on the occasion. i stayed in marching band which I didn't even enjoy, i wasted my free time doing bullshit or things I didn't enjoy. i wish i pursued music more, i wish i went out with people more, i wish i did more things. now i barely have friends and i just work and sleep and stay at home in my pigsty of a room. I'm so stupid, i wasted the only sort of experience i had. I'm so dumb for that. i was what i am now: a loser who plays guitar occasionally and watches youtube in my spare time. I don't even have the energy to expend playing fucking video games. I'm so pissed off. my life has been so fucking full of Absolutely NOTHING. Absolutely 100% nothingness. a nondescript pit of boring shit. i constantly wish i could go back. fucking hell, I'm so stupid. I'm so incredibly dumb.

[ricinaddict-blog]

november 10th, 2018. ~7am. the daylight finally broke. it had been way, WAY too long since that had happened last. at least, it felt like it. "why does the night just crawl by?" i thought to myself. psh, as if i didnt know the answer. what had i been doing? playing video games? watching videos? wasting my time? this is all ive been doing for a month now, i thought to myself. a full month. four entire weeks. when will i stop doing this to myself? there was some sort of emotion just on the tip of my tongue, but i couldnt place it or name it, so i just shook it off. ​ ​ its 8 am, i think ill go to bed now. who needs class when you can destroy your life on your own accord? you cant even blame any of this on yourself. you dont know if class is getting too hard, you dont know if the teachers are getting too strict or mean. you havent been there for a month now. why are you trying to shift the blame onto some other force? i knew why, of course. i was trying to shift the blame because i didnt want to be held accountable. this isnt MY fault! its mental illness! its anxiety! its depression! those, of course, are just codewords for lazy and stupid. it feels like there some sort of outside force acting upon me to make me feel this way, but i know its just me and my shitty, awful decisions. ive always been like this, i thought. i got by just fine enough in high school, why cant i manage now? its not really even harder! im just lazy. and stupid. i couldnt get into a quote unquote "good school", and even now that im here not having to pay a dime from scholarships im still doing NOTHING. i am scum, absolute garbage. an absolute waste of a human being. i want to write more music. i want to make some sort of money from my music. the only person to buy my ep was my fucking dad, who i didnt even intend to see it. i mention not going to class in one of the songs i wrote a while ago, what if he hears and gets pissed at me? i woudlnt blame him. he wouldnt get pissed, he isnt like that, i thought. neither is my mom. they woudl be understanding to a certain point but disappointed regardless. thats all i am, i convinced myself. i convinve myself of this constantly, but something about me not doing anything about it makes me think that i havent actually internalized that fact. and it is actually a fact. lmao. ​ im watching theo katzman play music right now. on audiotree. i wish i could write music like this. i just play my acoustic guitar all sad and wail over it with my shitty sad lyrics. give me a break, youre fucking awful. dont feel so sad about yourself, you arent allowed to be sad for yourself. you havent been befallen by any sort of curse or negative life experience to warrant you being such a god damn dumbass. what are you even gonna do with all this weird writing bullshit? i thought. i kept on thinking. i cant stop thinking. this shit runs through my brain constantly. what is this for? why dont i do anything about it if i cant stop thinking about it? theres no reason for you to think youre entitled to an easy life.

[ricinaddict-blog]

march 23rd. 4:25am. i feel like crying. i feel like throwing up. i feel like doing bad things to myself. i know that I won't - I'm at work, and I'll probably feel better by the morning - but in this moment i feel like the worst person. it's always at night, it seems. always at night that i get at my worst. i know I'm nit the only person who gets like this, and it's selfish to think that I'm so special that i feel something others don't (especially since i lie all the time), but I can't shake that narcissistic feeling that I'm all alone in my plight and that it's more important to me than anyone else's emotional problems are to them. so many people are afflicted by things completely out of there control, but every situation i get in is, at the end of the day, my own fault. i know this and i think I've internalized it by now, but it still aches in the pit of my stomach and in the muscles of my legs. a dull, empty sort of aching pain. it feels moreso like it's my baseline, than a pit i fall into. i get so in-my-own-head about my own problems, and hardly tell anyone else about them because I'll feel embarrassed or weak. i know i need to be more comfortable with feeling weak. crying isn't a bad thing, but i guess i haven't fully realized that yet. i hate the shallow sort of nothingness i feel after crying. like i used up all my sad emotions and now I'm just an empty husk for a moment. is it better to feel like absolute shit, or to feel like nothing? reason would lead me to believe it's better to feel something than nothing at all but goddamn if sometimes i wish I didn't feel emotions. it's all so stupid. everything is so stupid and i feel like the arbiter of all stupidity in my loved one's lives. i need to fix myself, but I don't want to and haven't figured out how. i wish i knew why.