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Novelty like no other

[rievanrendezvous]

May we never lose our wonder, For each other

[rievanrendezvous]

A new beginning

3 days ago, I'm officially your wife.

It has been a wonderful journey so far.

Last night we had our first attempt at exploring each other physically.

It was just so beautiful to me.

The way you look at me and handled me with so much care, you made me feel amazing about myself, although I feel very embarassed at first.

I have never thought that you would want me that much, but now I know you are just a man with lots of self control.

You were so gentle.

Your skin against mine, I can't wait for that once again. Although we didn't unite in the end but it was already really mesmerizing for me.

Thank you, hubz.

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So close, so soon

If anything, another reason I fear wedding is the spotlight onto me.

I want to elope, if possible.

To be married on our own in our own world.

To be away from society and people that knows me.

To experience something deeper because how others think still affects me.

To run, far far away.

Can we?

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Learning to lean to Love

That was a crazy and heartbreaking week. But God brings me through. I get through it not by my own strength but by being so weak that only by turning to Him, can I get things done.

Wow.

It shows me what it truly means by learning to lean to Love

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Today is the best day ever in my wedding planning journey :)

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Conflict

So you told me that I am taking you for granted. That I am spending my time on other things but you, not making time for you specially. That you only get the leftover of my energy, instead of supplying you with energy I drain you out.

But recently, I just want time to live my own life. I just don't want to be giving up my time alone so fast. I feel really anxious about facing this commitment. Somehow it feels like it is not the right time. And the many times I tried telling you about it, all I get is the theory that the current world system tries to make us believe that we are too young to marry.

But for me, it is not just a matter of age.

It is the matter of how much things I still want to see on my own. Of how much experiences I am taking away from myself if I decided to go through with this. The thought itself paralysed me.

I want to be away away from you, just to take time for myself.

I feel like I have given too much of myself invested into this commitment.

Sometimes, I really feel like I don't want to do this anymore.

So much of life I still want to pursue.

My head hurts much just thinking about this.

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I'm sorry

I haven't posted much update here ever since we been and back from Bandung. The beautiful city of art and love. I want to just confess truthfully that as much as the whole trip was perfect, I hate the fact that I had to bring that part of me with the trip. The struggle. I pray and ask, O Lord, take that struggle away from me. Indeed the Lord is good, He saved me from sin. He had someone who would be so protective of me to be with me. Maybe I should just be very honest with you, that the temptation was too close for me to bear on my own. Thankfully, I have Jesus.

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This little voice

This little voice inside me still cant get over the cloth incident. I still regretted being unable to choose the cloth. Also feel kind of down because which daughter never expect their mom to be more involve but mine was the opposite of how i imagined it to be. It's like i got nil support from the one i want to have the most. Such an unusual bride, why do I have to be so unusual Lord?

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phil 4:11 contentment

I was totally blown.

This whole thing about letting his side of the family chose the cloth and having to follow their timeline to do things make me feel really sick for the past weeks.

In fact, I kind of immediately regretted the decision after I got back from Jakarta.

Shouldn’t have agreed to have the tailor chose the cloth. Shouldn’t have mind that our mom would wear different clothes because really, rustic is the theme isn’t it? Why is it getting so neat and all planned out. UGH.

Especially, honestly, his mom’s decision on bright colors isn’t something I’m very enthusiastic with either. And everything ended up bright.

OH SO INDONESIAN-BALLROOM-STYLE-WEDDING BUT LOOK AT ME I CHOSE SOMETHING SO SIMPLE FOR MYSELF AND THERE YOU GUYS MAKING THAT KIND OF DECISION BASED ON THOSE OTHER WEDDINGS YOU ATTENDED IN JAKARTA.

Truthfully, this is how my heart screams. UGHHHHHHHHH.

But that quote on contentment. That particular verse that appeared as I was scrolling down my facebook newsfeed, though.

GOD, break me, Daddy.

only You alone can satisfy my desire. And even if I am still kind of fuming about what little control I have about this situation. Teach me teach me teach me to be grateful....

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Every long lost road lead me to where you are others who broke my heart they were just northern stars pointing me on my way into your loving arms that much I know is true that God bless the broken road and leads me straight to you. this song is a perfect summary of our relationship. my relationship with God and my relationship with you. every single broken heart that I had from the past all had to happen before I met you. and you greeted me with love despite my brokenness. despite my honesty to tell you everything about myself though I am unworthy. your love for me is the next best thing after God's love found me.

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I just wanted to let everyone know how important it is to be kind and accepting of others, because I just got a very big reminder of how much your words can impact others. Let’s just start by saying I’ve been debating whether or not to continue a hobby for quite some time. Today, I was working at this hobby when a lady made a nasty comment to me. That was all it took to shove me ever closer to the side of quitting. She only said a few words to me and she may have just severely altered my life by it. So, I just wanted to remind everyone to be kind. You don’t know what another person might have went through that day, or how your comment might affect them. Please spread positivity and kindness, because just the opposite of what I mentioned here could happen too. Your kindness could brighten someone’s day or even go as far as to save their life!

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If you’re an introvert, follow @introvertunites​​​.

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leave.

leave for october - checked. but a thought has been disturbing me since yesterday. when I told boss that I'm getting married the first reaction I got was, whether I'm expecting. kind of rude, actually. subsequent thoughts that lingers in my head, feels a little discriminated about it. because you realise people look at you a little differently because you chose to marry young. I hope I can show the world that this experience is not a bad thing afterall.

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a certain update, in the wee hour of the night

so it has been some time since I last updated anything here. since the last time I was here, we have gotten these: ♡ my beautiful lovely gown that was totally beyond what I thought I wanted ♡ his suit that has the perfect shade we wanted ♡ the band that will symbolise our unity thank you Lord!!!!! since then, we have also dealed with a certain issue. 😐 my mom with her sudden request to change the date of the wedding but which I would totally refuse to do so... 😤 so this girl whom I initially wanted to be my bridesmaid, we had a totally strained relationship now. idk how to deal with such kind of mental burden at the moment that I'm using avoidance technique to deal with this conflict. 😅 my leave needs to be settled ASAP

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Isaiah 55:8

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. 9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. 10 As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, 11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. many things happened in the process of our wedding planning, since my last update. first, we have probably found the perfect dress. yesterday and today we visited 2 bridal shops. liked both but loved the later. not just the price, but the gown itself is perfect - simple, subtle, yet elegant. it is my favorite sized of wedding gown by far. we have also booked makeup artist. next, we are deciding on which wedding band to get. all these happen within a week. just last week, i was crying and bailing about how things are not going perfectly according to my wishes and expectations. here are some of my woes: no, i do not want my husband to be to see my gown before the wedding. even if you do not like surprises, i was hurt because then you do not trust my taste. and i do not get the privilege to keep him in suspense and have my beautiful moment when his face lit up when he sees me during our special day. not so special anymore, isn't it? no, i really wanted to have more people at the wedding... but everything is just too expensive. i wished i was with someone who could accomodate the guestlist i had in mind. i had to scrape off the names of some people i want to be there. really, gloating in insufficiency sucks the joy out of life the most. right? no, everything brown? i can't imagine. where do i place all my pinks and pastels? oh, i forgot im marrying someone who dislike pastel. where is my say? no more fairy lights barn or backyard wedding. none of those. it is lunch and it is gonna be in a vineyard instead. well, not too bad i guess. but a church wedding, at least? not even that too? fine.... if i continue to dwell on all these, i will be the one that get hurt the most. if i continue holding on to these desire, i will never be happy with him. but instead, a transformation of the heart is needed. definitely, i'm still in the process. i'm still not perfect. i still have wishful thoughts at times. i still want to do things otherwise at times. but truly, God's grace and mercy in my weakness gave me more than I could ever deserve. in just a week. so my husband to be has seen the gown but a gown is just a gown. what matters most is how special the journey we went through to get to this gown and how God has prepared this special gown for me to make up for whatever other expectations i had to forgo. and on the day itself, isn't it more meaningful for him to see me walk down the aisle wearing the gown that we have chosen together? so not everyone i know is gonna be invited. this made me narrow down my options to people who really matters. people who really willing to make time for my special day. and with wisdom from God, directing me to ask the special people there. and to truly cherish the relationship I had with these people. reconciliation of relationships. so there isnt fairy lights at our wedding? no worries, the light of God will shine through, I believe. through the sermon and solemnizer, may the light of the world touch the heart of everyone there so that they may know the truth! and i can buy fairy lights to put it in our cosy room next time. it shall be more beautiful that pinterest images. so everything is brown earth toned. but secretly, I love it! was just another part of me wanting a pink and princessy disney wedding which I know I am not going to have. but no problem. I will make him celebrate my first birthday with me as his disney princessy wife with disney princessy cake and pink or pastel dress. hah! ;) and truly, God is so good. we got an offer to stay at bishan so he doesn't have to move. love the idea of that! a cosy home at a convenient area at a not so costly rental fee. how great! well, His ways are indeed higher than my ways! scraping off all my expectations and lettinf Jesus mould every single process and idea in our wedding...:')