rinovaweekly

[rinovaweekly]

26.7-2.8.

Sunday 29th July

Today I saw that he was not online. Probably enjoying with his family. The only message I had in my inbox was the good morning one, and that was it.

Later at evening, he left a message telling that he will write before sleeping.

“No need to leave that message at all. If you are not online all day to keep your >wife you want to divorce< happy, then no need to write before sleeping neather. Relax. I am learning a lot anyway - thanks to this vacation”

“And what did you learn” he asked.

I wanted to write that I learned that he is just regular husband , just like any other, scared from his wife, living boring shit life, and it is all boring to me, I don’t want that kind of a man, and I do not respect that kind of a man.

Then my ratio kicked in, calculating the amount of shit I’d go through without him.

To be honest, this time it was not gratitude that made me calm down, it was ratio.

“About you, about us, when to move aside, about compromises... A lot of different things” I responded.

This is where men are weak: their ego.

It rather believes that he is your weakness and you are stupid because you are in love, charmed by his love skills, than that you pretend to be stupid to survive.

Male ego and female discipline are the biggest blessings that God gave me.   

[rinovaweekly]

GIRLS JUST WANT TO FIT IN

Lately I didn't really feel like fitting into my own group of friends. But I very well fit into my own life. 

How we start growing apart from our own friends? And where do we go then?

I caught myself trimming my own growth just so I could fit back into the old box. When this stops? When we fully grow up? Or when everyone find their own way so we stay alone...Free to grow. Probably eternal problem of all single girls surrounded by married friends. The problem is, no matter how hard I try, I can't go back. I can't hide my own opinions anymore, my growth , or my happiness, just to prevent someone's jealousy and fit in their mold. I guess that real friends are never deeply jealous of you. Or at least, they don't let you feel the pinch of that on your own skin.

[rinovaweekly]

To golddig or not to golddig, the question is now

Last week was turbulent!

In a middle of us planning a romantic summer in France , he told me that he is going to Athens with his wife.

Once again, I faced the truth, even if he wraps it in very nice box.

The story is as old as marriage concept:

He is not happy, they don’t sleep in same bed, he stays for children (which I didn’t know that exists when we met!)

The difference is, Mr K (my man) is much more creative.

Once he told me that he is married , he made a story extremely asexual: they were friends and got married only so she can stay in his country. Then she got pregnant with someone else (???) and he got attached to a child that is not his (???). Nobody has idea who the real father is (???). Child thinks that he is the father (???).

I guess that he watched The X Files too much. 

After I found out , I stayed to punish him... Financially. But he still makes me feel so good when he hugs me. So my plan was like Titanic: good idea, but has a hole.

Can “good girls” ever truly golddig?

I was always a good girl. But I also have golddigging skills. Yes, it actually takes effort, emotional self control crafted to perfection, had work on your appearance and mood.

I am aware that what I do to men makes them beg me to pay anything for me.

But are good girls able to do so?

Technically, in theory - yes. In life... Well, I fell in love.

Different kind of love I’ve never felt before.

Once I felt taken care of and completely safe for the first time in my life, he became my hero and I felt such a huge gratitude that grew into very, very deep love.

True golddigger would never care and she would move on as soon as someone with deeper pockets shows up.

And I can’t even multitask! I am being monogamous to a married man.

Not always from love, we have ups and downs, but I always (over)respect what he did for me.

I wouldn’t call myself a golddigger, but sometimes  I feel that some of my closest friends see me that way.

I would and I did date broke guys, but I would never be with a guy without that inner drive , skills and ambition. Not this way.

Who did it right?

Thursday evening I had a drink with 2 friends and one of them, Mira, actually knows about my relationship with Mr K.

We were supposed to go to night swimming , but the swimming pool was closed so we had a drink downtown instead. 

Instead of having fun, atmosphere was more like someone just died on morbid way.

“When we saw it’s closed, we called taxi again, and it was same guy! Same guy who brought us there!” Anya was aggressively whispering while her eyes looked empty.

“So what , we’ll just chill here” I answered hoping that overreacting is temporary.

Something was very wrong with them, and it was obvious that it’s not just about missed night swimming. 

“Look what you are wearing, it’s not fair, and look at us” Mira checked me out and I felt judgement in her voice. Heavy , dirty judgement.

I actually wore white tube top from New Yorker and jeans, nothing special.

But she was there sitting in Hello Kitty “sick purple” color set and anatomy slippers for old women. It’s not about what you have, but about what you do with it.

She met me in my “hunger period”. I was really hungry. And really broke. It was job interview , I had black tight pants with high waist and hole on my right knee that I tried to fix, and black synthetic business jacket, so old, so cheap, so sad. 

But I tried! I added my mom’s scarf and wore it tight around my neck and red lipstick combined with neat stewardess kind of hairstyle. I always tried my best.

She never did, and that was the problem between two of us.

Whenever I tried to encourage her, I realized that I am not helping. My mood and effort are just a painting in a nice frame reminding her of everything that she is not.

And there we were: local cafe in small town in 3rd world country, on a point where friendships start cracking.

Some friendships are unconditional, as long as there is equality.

Woman rarely forgives to other woman few things. Attention, beauty and getting anything with ease.

At that moment she was radiating jealousy. For me, our friendship is gone, now it will be just bunch of coffees drinking together.

Words can lie, but I smell vibe the way that beasts smell blood.    

Cheers to two women :

One in depth , with bad job and living with a man who doesn’t pay his part of bills and rent; and other finally having opportunity to go to university , having her lovely man, 20 years older and married, affording her to study, to relax, to eat good food and go to doctor whenever she needs.

Who did it right?

To golddig or not to golddig , the question is now