rippleminx

[rippleminx]

Colombian Joseph Gordon-Levitt

I’m 18 years old and fresh out of high school, standing in line at community college after backing out of pursuing an education at University of Houston last minute. I can’t exactly explain why I did this even to this day, but that was my first major “adult” decision and I made it on a whim. I spent so much of high school taking advanced placement classes getting ready for college, only to run away from it when the time came.

We’re all waiting to get our picture taken for our student IDs. I’m alone, I know no one, and the line is moving slowly. I ask the guy in front of me for a piece of gum and he taps his friend who is in front of him to ask him for some. Gustavo* turns around to hand it to me. He is so goddamn good looking. We start to chat to pass the time, and I get included in his group of friends who all came together. I’m disappointed when we get to the front of the line because I know that it’s over and we will have to go our separate ways, but Gustavo asks me if I want to go to the book store with him. I do.

The details of the day kind of get blurred between his sweet smile and rows upon rows of expensive books. He is a couple of years older than me and he’s recently moved to Texas from California. He looks like a Colombian Joseph Gordon-Levitt and I’m swooning. There is a stand on campus offering free engraved necklaces for students and the line is long. We both take the opportunity to extend our time together and I get “Trust Thyself” engraved on mine. I still have it locked away in a box somewhere even though I will never wear it again. I just can’t bring myself to throw it out.

The day felt like something out of a movie until he walks me to my car and casually mentions his girlfriend. I play it off like it doesn’t even phase me, even though I feel like I’ve been lead on with all the flirting that took place. We want to exchange numbers but somehow that feels a little too personal given the information he sprung on me and I don’t want to cross any boundaries so we add each other on Facebook instead. I figure there is no harm in being friends, plus I don’t know anyone else on campus. We try to hang out again but our schedules don’t allow it and I kind of just forget about him altogether.

I drop out two weeks later.

 A year or two later I wake up to a Facebook message from a woman I don’t know. It’s Gustavo’s now wife, Cindy*. She explained how Gustavo mentioned me to her, who knows since when, and told her how interested in me he was. She asks me if I want to go on a date with them. The concept kind of comes as a surprise to me because I have never imagined anything other than monogamy, but I don’t really hesitate to accept despite the fact that I knew nothing about her, because I can’t deny there are still underlying feelings for him and I want a reason to be near him again.

We go on a few dates that kind of just feel like three friends having a good time until one night when they invite me back to their apartment after dinner to play Jenga. A few minutes into the game Cindy looks at me and says “I want you to kiss my husband.” I’m uneasy and hesitant regardless of the fact that they were both clearly consenting. She reassures me it’s what she wants so I finally give in.

We move from the living room couch to their bedroom and I’m in a haze. It’s dark and I can barely make anything out with the soft light from the hallway illuminating the doorway. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and make a mental note of what I look like naked, with both of their mouths on me. I want to remember this moment.

Cindy asks me if this is my first time with a girl. It is. She tells me not to worry and reassures me I’m doing great. Even though I know I’m attracted to women, I quickly realize that I’m not overly attracted to her in specific, but it’s enough to keep me around. The sensory overload is exhilarating, but the only other discernable moment that I can clearly recollect is Cindy saying “look at her worship your cock!” I look up at him and think of him smiling at me in the book store.

This goes on a few more times and we’re all pretty happy with the arrangement. It’s simple and straightforward and fun. Most of my communication is with Cindy, even though Gustavo and I have known each other longer. One day Cindy calls me. “Gustavo is at home and I’m on my way to work. Please go fuck my husband.” I promptly oblige.

He fucks me like he really, really means it. It’s good. It’s better than before. We both know he’s been holding back when she was around but neither of us talk about it. I have no intentions to wreck a home and I never even consider crossing a line, I just tell myself I’ll have fun until something else comes around. We go on like this for a while, but I suspect eventually some jealousy arises and I don’t want to aggravate the delicate situation, so we just peacefully fizzle out.

 Three years go by and I’m now living with a boyfriend. We have our share of problems and we are both becoming increasingly more miserable by the day. Somehow Cindy comes back in the picture and we reconnect, but in a strictly platonic way. Her and Gustavo now have a baby girl and are living a completely different lifestyle. She is increasingly more miserable too. I think our shared frustration and boredom really brings us together. We can’t believe how similar our entrapment feels and we quickly realize we live right down the street from each other. We start chatting every day and occasionally hanging out. She is my new best friend. I see Cindy in a different light now, as a different person than the one I fucked a few years before. I see all her shortcomings as a careless mother and unfaithful wife, but she’s my friend and she’s all I have, so I overlook them and remind myself that nobody is perfect and I have no right to judge her.

I’m spending the day at Cindy’s house, just venting our frustrations about our partners and life. I’m playing with the baby while she makes dinner. Gustavo comes home from work and he walks in. He looks down at me with his daughter. Everything is so different now, isn’t it, old friend? I look up at him and think about him smiling at me in the book store.

A few weeks later my boyfriend’s car battery dies. I drop him off at work and he yells at me to take care of his car while he’s working so he doesn’t have to deal with it in the morning. I text Cindy to vent to her about the new asshole thing he’s done, the way we always do. She tells me her and Gustavo can come by after dinner to help me, but later tells me she doesn’t want to wake up the baby and asks if it would it be okay if only Gustavo comes by? At that moment I could care less who comes, as long as the car gets taken care of and I don’t have to hear my boyfriend complain about it when he comes home. I really hate to hear him yell and throw things around the apartment and I will do anything to avoid his tantrums.

It’s been years since Gustavo and I have been alone together, and as he pulls up, I really start to notice just how different he looks now than he used to when we first met. I don’t feel the way I used to about him either, although I still think he’s attractive, time has changed things. I start to get unexpectedly nervous, but that feeling is quickly subdued by the immense anxiety of following my boyfriend’s instructions and getting the car battery up and running as soon as possible. Gustavo seems eager to talk to me. He asks me more questions than necessary for small talk. I can sense that he’s happy to see me. Or maybe he’s just glad to be out of the house and away from a selfish wife and crying child. Maybe it’s not about me at all, and it’s just about the fact that this is the most exciting part of his long and boring day.

For a brief moment I have a naughty thought that takes over me. It would be so easy to grab him by the jaw and kiss him right now. Would he stop me? I could take him upstairs and make him eat my pussy on the kitchen island. No- I could spite fuck him right here, in my boyfriend’s dirty car in the middle of the well-lit parking lot. That would teach him to yell orders at me like a dog, plus I suspected he had been fucking around with a girl from work anyway. And it’s not like Gustavo didn’t deserve a break, too, after working full time to support his family just to be met with dishonesty and deceit. It would just be this one time, and we would never tell anyone. Just one time to even the score.

The thought is fleeting because I know I don’t have it in me. I love my boyfriend more than anything and would never do something like that, no matter how much I think he might deserve it. So instead I’m just short and slightly dismissive during the conversation and I wrap it up quickly. I thank him multiple times and as he puts the jumper cables back in his car he turns back to say goodbye. I look up at him and think of him smiling at me in the book store.

 It’s almost a year later. I’m single now. Cindy and I have had a fight but things have smoothed over and she invites me to go out with her after she finishes up dinner for her friend’s birthday. I drive out to meet her and have a smoke while I wait for her outside the venue. She finally stumbles out, clearly drunk, and excitedly comes towards me with hands up. I assume she’s coming in for a hug, but instead she snatches the cigarette out of my hand and tells me we should leave. After a failed attempt at a night out where I wasn’t having any fun, I decide to call it quits and offer to drive her home.  

On this drive she drunkenly starts confessing all her wrong doings. I realize the extent of her dishonesty and plain disregard for others. It’s one thing to have fleeting thoughts of doing wrong, but to actually go through and hurt people who love you just because you can and not feel any remorse is another.  I realize she’s never really been a friend. I feel sorry for Gustavo. I feel angry for myself. I become so completely disgusted by her betrayal that I consider pulling over and kicking her out of my car. I consider reaching around the back of her head, grabbing a handful of hair and smashing her face repeatedly against the dashboard, but she’s drunk and I’m sober so I don’t.

When we get to the new house they’re living in, she asks me if I want to come inside. Despite everything, I say yes. We walk through the creaky wood floors and I step carefully as to not make enough noise to wake their daughter. Gustavo peers out through the bedroom door and leaps out. He’s been struggling to put her to bed all night and he’s glad to have adult interaction. He quietly asks me if I’ll sit and smoke for a bit. I agree to. We sit on the living room floor around their coffee table and despite being completely stoned by now, I try to force myself to take a mental picture because I know this is the last time I will ever see him again. He looks much older now. Heavier. Sadder. Broken. The years have not been good to him.

Although she is still in the room, Cindy ceased to exist to me the moment she got out of my car and I fulfilled my responsibility of getting her home safely. I want so badly to give Gustavo a sign...to warn him about her and to comfort him. I don’t. I think of all the years that have gone by with him quietly in the background of my life. I make peace with the moment and accept things for what they are. But before I say goodbye one last time and leave, I look up at him and think of him smiling at me in the book store.

*names have been changed