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dyingxdream

January 25 2008, 12:55

Background of the person I am today

I've had a total of 4 relationships my entire life. The first infatuation was when I was a freshmen in high school. Needless to say, it didn't work out and I eventually got over him. I talk to this guy on ocassion, and there's always going to be that "almost could have happened" deal but he was the one who taught me that giving somebody all you have, and investing time, energy, money, etc, can sometimes all be for nothing. I dont hold a grudge against him, because if I wanted to be let down easy by any guy, it would be by him. He was a sweet guy, and I still think about him, not in the "I want to date him" way but when I'm remembering days long gone.

My first real relationship was the summer going into my junior year. Yea I was never big on having a new boyfriend every week to feel accomplished because I was active in high school so I didnt need any further distractions. Well had dated over 7 months. We talked marriage, and attending college together. We didnt have the same future goals though; he wanted to live on a ranch, I wanted to eventually live in the big city. He was overly jealous, and a bit conceited, but I still fell for his school boy charm, and quick wit. Our eight month anniversary was going to be on Valentines day. He broke it off six days before and I was heartbroken. I lost all my dignity trying to persuade him to take me back. I'll admit I acted like a damn fool. We met up to "talk" on valentines day, and we were really close to getting back together but he changed his mind and so we played the game of cat and mouse again. I wrote him a ridiculous love note, which he of course, shared with his closest friends. I then became depressed, and stopped eating. I almost fainted from being so weak at times, my grades dropped, teachers noticed a change in my behaviour, and I became obsessed with death. I would take triple the recommended dosage for more than one type of OTC drug, and I started cutting to let my emotions out physically rather than emotionally. I felt alone, used, and stupid. I should have learned my lesson the first time. I had very supportive friends then, and they understood that a quick trip to starbucks or a shopping spree just wouldnt cut it.

One thing I didnt mention yet was, the night my boyfriend had broken up with me, I was over at a friends house spending the night. I thought it would just be a normal girls night in, but after being dumped and publically screaming "what the fuck, why are you doing this to me?" for everyone in her neighborhood to hear, we just went back to her house. I cried for a while, then wiped my tears away and pretended to be fine. Her boyfriend of a year came over that night. It started out innocently enough. Her dad wasn't home, because he was in the military and called away to duty so she had the house to herself most of the time, and her mother had left her father a few years ago so she basically had to grow up fast. The boyfriend had an idea that a threesome would be great. I didn't feel comfortable about the situaton, but he was a cocky dickhead who said "I bet you wouldnt do it anyways." Stupidity and my competitive side took over, so I kissed her, and that was that. That was the first and I hoped the last time I'd make out with a girl. (Nothing wrong with being bi-sexual or lesbian, but subjecting someone to like a certain gender isnt right. For me, kissing a girl is wrong. For the next girl, it might be right.)

Well, the night didnt get hot and heavy like most threesomes but I left feeling easy, and trashy. I cared for my friend but I never wanted to interact with her boyfriend again. I avoided spending the night at her house for four months. Then one night, I had planned on spending the night at my other friends house, but she had a curfew so we met up with my friend and her sisters friends planning a crazy night. Some guys had been invited over to their house, since her dad was out of town yet again, so I knew there wasnt a chance that her boyfriend would there since he was the very jealous type. Well eventually the guys left, my friend fell asleep, and I ended up on the living room couch watching a movie. I recieved a text from my friend but it wasnt a usual message. It was from her phone but her boyfriend had written it. He told me to go to her room so we could have another go at it. I told him I was watching a movie. He was persistent but I held my ground. He then did something that suprised and intimidated me. He came out, turned off the dvd and pushed me into her room. At first I sat on the other side of the room, he was trying to butter me up telling me I could come closer. I kept my distance then he got up and made me go on the floor. I was still across the room and didnt budge, then he brought blankets down to the floor and thats when I knew I was in trouble. In all the commotion my friend (the one who I was going to originally spend the night at) woke up and came into the room. It was dark, and she was groggy. She asked what they were doing, and why I was in there. I wanted to tell her to turn on the light, grab me, and leave ASAP. Unfortunately my friends boyfriend yelled "get the fuck outta here" and locked the door behind her. Escape at that point was futile. He had managed to get in between me and the door so I was trapped now. He told me to kiss my friend. (I knew he had an abusive past, and when he didnt get his way things could become scary.) So I listened. Once again, it was all wrong. All the emotions pent up from the past year; the anger, frustration, betrayal, disappointment, and hatred were the only emotions that coursed through my veins. I felt like a whore, what's worse I was more his whore, I was no longer myself. Now some people might say, you could have slapped him, left the room, and called it a night, but there was much more psychological damage that had been done.

Some people might also say, it was just a kiss.. but that kiss represented the breakdown of the person I had worked my whole life to be. I was a strong, independant, no nonsense, self respecting high school student, who now cowered in silence and hated who I had become. Last time I got off on just kissing my friend, but this time he wanted more. He wanted to go all the way. My friend had lost her virginity over a year ago, I had never lost mine. I only had a body, but no heart, no soul, and no voice to call my own. He started to undo my pants, this was the most humiliating moment I had experienced. He started to pull them down. He only had his boxers on, and my friend only had her bra on. There were street lights outside, but my world came crashing down and everything was dark. He knew I was still a virgin. He wanted to go in but I gathered enough courage to tell him no. He tried to kiss me, I wouldnt let him. He was my friends boyfriend, and even if she was in the room I'd call that cheating. My friend had been on the bottom, I had been on top of her, and he was on top of me. He gave up on trying to put it in, and directed me to lay down beside her. He started to try and kiss me again, but he only got my cheek because I would turn away. He started to finger my friend, then he started to finger me. I won't forget the pain that shot through my body. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. This guy wasn't my boyfriend, he wasnt my friend, and he was hurting me. His breathing started to get heavy and ragged, she started to moan..all I could do was to try and not think about what was happening. He went in his boxers, and his breathing went back to normal. He said, "You liked that didn't you?" I wanted to scream no you stupid bastard," but I remained quiet. He got up and I looked for my pants that had been strewn across the floor. I quickly put them on and left the room. It hurt to walk, it hurt to think, so I did the only thing I could, I slept. It wasnt a fitful easy sleep, my brain was still awake to listen for any audible noises coming from the other room. I didn't want to face my friend or her boyfriend.

Before all the other people in the house started to wake up, I shook my friend awake, and told her we needed to leave. She looked at me sleepily and we got all our things, and left the house quietly. We had told her mom the night before that we were spending the night at my house, so we couldnt go back to her place this early, so we settled for the shopping mall across the street. As we were coming close to the entrance, I sat down. I winced in pain because it still hurt. She wondered what was wrong. At that point, I broke down. My friend knew something was wrong because I never cry. Finally, after gaining some composure, I told her about the night when my boyfriend had broken up with me, and that first time with my friend and her boyfriend. Then I told her about what had happened last night. Profanity and disgust rang loud and clear. She put two and two together realizing that she was so close to being my saviour the night before. She wanted to go back in time, and tell my friends boyfriend to "fuck himself" and promptly leave the house. I know it wasn't her fault, I know we couldn't go back in time, and save my decency. All the shops were still closed because it was still early, so we settled for a 24 hr convienance store where we bought cheap alchol to numb the pain. My friend did what was probably the best thing any friend could do which was listen. She realized why I had put so many emotional barriers up. This was the real me, broken, lost, hurt, alone, and only a fraction of the strong, confident, outspoken person I had been only a year ago, or was percieved by others. Only a few people know about this story, I hardly let people in because one way or another people have this tendency to leave. If a person has no dependance on anyone else, they dont gain anything, but if a person does depend solely on other people, then they lose everything. That's the truth about life.

To this day, I rarely go back to that dark place. I try to put it in the back of my mind, where my deepest darkest secrets and insecurities lie. This is the horrendous ugly part of me I don't want anyone to see. I honestly don't blame my friend for what happened. If only I had spoken up, maybe all this could have been prevented. He was abusive and intimidating so she feared him. I am no better than she is because I too, didn't stand up for myself. I know that there have been countless other women with horrible stories, and mine was only a mere taste of how bad it can get..but this is my story, my regret, my pain, my disappointment, and my burden to carry for the rest of my life. That teenage girl who couldn't stand up for herself four years ago has become someone who won't let any man walk over her. My past makes me into the person you see today.

[risaomine]

10/20/2017

I met you and Josh my Freshmen year of college. I was wild, he was wild; in fact, we all were. Here I was, an island girl 5000 miles from home with zero friends. I honestly just chose that college because I wanted to be by the beach, because that's the view I had grown up around all my life. I was lonely, unhappy, suffering from culture shock and had a rebellious streak. You two changed that, you guys were my first american friends and serving our country proudly in the Navy. You always told me how you were never going to re-enlist and how you wanted to go home to Texas. I had grown up around military personnel all my life, Okinawa has all the branches of the military, so having friends serving was a sweet reminder of people who were ready to give the ultimate sacrifice and boy, I was proud of you my new found friends.

I think the first time I ever tried an authentic Mexican burrito was with you, same with automated car washes and you took me to my first military ball. I was eighteen.You remember that time we hung out and I tried Southern Comfort whisky? Ahh, perhaps we should tuck that minor detail away since I was underage at the time. The thing that was endearing about you is that you went hard for who and what you loved. Friends, family, hell you just had a love of life. You loved red hot chilli peppers SO much that you had the star of affinity tattooed on you. I don't think anyone could honestly discern what you loved more; this country or that band.

You remember when you did that tour overseas and went to all those foreign countries, fighting bad guys but not being able to tell me about it? You brought back gifts, because that's the kind of person you were, thoughtful, caring, always thinking of others. A far cry from me. I'm not sentimental and try my best to avoid becoming emotionally attached to people because one way or another people have this tendency to leave. I figure, if a person has no dependence on anyone else, they don't gain anything; however, if a person does depend solely on other people, then they lose- everything. That's the truth about life.

Today marks 5 years and one day since Josh was taken by a hit and run that was never solved in Florida. He left behind a son that has to grow up not knowing his father.

You want to know what else happened today? You broke my heart even though you're 800 miles away and we haven't seen each other in 10 years. You did the most selfish thing one could do and tried to take your life. I was one call away, one conversation, one airplane ticket, one plea for help and this was the first time, you thought of yourself before anyone else. I'm mad but I'm more hurt. You see why I don't want to get close to people? Because of times like this. I love you, and you should have let me prove that this time; I got your Six. #mission22

[risaomine]

1 in 5.

The number of people who will be affected by mental illness in any given year. This person is sitting next to you. This person is living in your house. This person is a part of your family. This is you. Even if this disease is not yours to fight, you are impacted by knowing and loving someone who is.

A semicolon. A pause. An indication of connection between sentences. Often causing confusion yet important to empathize relationships. A pause to let the reader know there is more to the story.

The semicolon can be described as stronger than a comma but weaker than a period. An apt description. However the semicolon is more than just this. It continues the sentence where a period could be placed.

And I am stronger than depression and anxiety. I am more than what it tells me I am. It will not be my ending period. My disease makes me pause in my day. It makes me stop and care for myself. But it doesn't end me. I have more to my story. And so do you. Share it. Talk about it. Reveal it. Display it.

There is no shame. Don't let it become your end. Let it be a part of your story. One that you overcome every day.

Support your 1 in 5. Show them you see them. You hear them. You love them. Show them their disease does not make them less of a person

My name is Katie.

I am 1 in 5."

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Credit: Lovely in the Dark

[risaomine]

[risaomine]

I stumbled upon my old alter ego xanga account that I used when I was 15-16 & sadly, to this day, I can admit I still do not fully understand the true meaning of love.

"Every girl/guy has experienced some point in time, a profound need to be loved. Not only to be loved, but you may also be going through phases in your life where you've "fallen out of love" finially hitting rock bottom, and do not want to get up, and keep going. If you haven't been to that place then maybe one day you will come across it, because there is no age for love accompanied by heartbreak.

What is love? That question has been asked by people all over the world. The definition is not too lucid, and is open for argument. Love is a word that translates into many languages. It is often abused, and commonly used to show some kind of interest, or liking to another individual or thing. It is only used in the correct context when you mean it. But how many people actually mean it from deep down inside their being? People ask, do you love me...You never hear any one say, well do you mean it with everything inside of you?!

I once was interested in a guy, it didnt work out. I'm currently with someone else. I sometimes commit the crime of comparison. I'm sure some girls and guys out there, know what i'm talking about. You have a guy who treats you really well, then you see your new like interest, and think.. Well if only he were like _n_a_m_e...some how that's the "crime of comparison" in my terminology. I often reflect upon that guy, and come to the stark realization that i actually DID love him, and i feel guilty because i don't feel that same feeling inside with the current individual. That first guy was my first "heartbreak," but he was also, my "first love." sounds teenerboopish and sentimental i know...stupid

This first guy could put a smile on my face, the guy i've got now is basically everything i want in a guy, but still tears on occasion dampen my pillow at night. I think the reason why it hurts so much to be with this other guy is because i didn't have enough closure with this first guy, and our relationship.

... I'm a coward because i rant and rave on about how i want to be loved, when really i dont want to give love in return and put myself in a position where i may end up getting hurt, and do not want to get up and keep fighting for something/ someone who may be worth fighting for in the end.

I'm ending this absurd, and whiney entry with. Don't hide your true self or feelings, because you may lose the very one you love, later trying to grasp or fill a void that person took with their departure, leaving you with the stark realization that it could very well have never been "love" to begin with, or they left because you never gave it your all or everything, and everyone deserves your all, everytime

My first real "love" showed me love is a windy road...I may sometimes stumble and fall.. but the only diffrence now, and from this day forward; I will get up, I will give it my all, everytime."

[risaomine]

Written by: Risa

Location: Okinawa, JP

Age: 16

As you see life pass you by day by day you reminisce about your childhood, and days of youth..I have come to the same conclusion over and over again. What If?

Two equally powerful words that fit together to form so many questions boggling everyones mind. What if you could go back? What if this had happened and this had not? Questions your mind involuntarily answers for you. You may sometimes pretend that, that something has happened, or you may brush it off thinking wow someone would think i was a nutcase if they knew what i was thinking about. Thats the power destiny holds of our heads and the power and knowledge you as an individual will never attain (unless modern day science comes up with a way to have all the questions answered along with the diff variables that come along with life.)

Maybe were just hurled into this world to make a "mark" in history, then decay and wither away, whilst a new, eager generation takes over and goes through the same process that's been repeated over and over again in history. Well now the world is changing. We look back at times like the Rennaisance and Reformation thinking, " Wow we've come a long way since then.." Not really theoretically. Sure modern technology is becoming more sophisticated and state of the art efficient, but back in that time period, art, philosophy, science, poetry, and everything we built our society on today...Flourished. Where have these scholars, and the "great minds" who were the "building blocks" of the world gone? Now instead of doing it the "old fashioned " blaz'e way you can merely touch a few keys and stare at a computer screen and the answer will just pop up.

The world great philosophers, writers, painters,and scientists knew is gone and a new world fit in its place. Where machines do the work for man, think for the man, who knows maybe we'll become so incompetant that theyll think and feel for us one day in the near future? Impossible in nothing © thats nikes logo. So i guess the there goes destiny again. Weaving a new design in everyones life. Until destiny itself picks a lucky person to figure out how to make life even easier than now, and program a new and better way for our society to live in.

You yourself dear reader can not deny this because right now here you are staring at a screen, digitally enhanced to bring these very words and thoughts i have put together. Yes thats the power of destiny, everyone looks back at their life. Even though sometimes memories hit you that arent always the best...DaVinci, Benjamin Franklin, and Voltaire are all dead. The great minds of the past are dead; and this is the world we ended up with.

[risaomine]

[risaomine]

[risaomine]

[risaomine]

I wonder if I look more like my father

[risaomine]

[risaomine]

[risaomine]

Japan’s forgotten language - Yonaguni/Dunan

The Yonaguni language (与那国語), better known as Dunanmunui (与那国物言), Dunan-munui, or Dunan language, often referred to simply as Dunan, is the indigenous language of Yonagunijima (与那国島), the westernmost island of Japan. As of 2013, it has approximately 400 speakers, the majority of whom are middle-aged or older.

In Japan, Dunan and other Luchuan languages (Ryukyuan languages) are often referred to as “dialects” despite being unintelligible to Standard Japanese or other mainland variants. This is becuause assimilation policies were introduced to Ryukyu Islands after the Imperial annexation, and speaking Japanese has since been mandatory. In the early 20th century, Hougen Fuda (方言札) or dialect cards were commoly used at schools in Okinawa to coerce students into speaking only Standard Japanese.

Today, children no longer learn Dunan as mother tongue in the home, and the language is at risk of falling out of use. In 2009, UNESCO labeled Yonaguni (Dunan language), along with 5 other Ryukyuan languages, as “endangered” in the UNESCO Atlas of the World’s Languages in Danger of Disappearing. According to UNESCO, these languages that carry the culture of Luchu (Ryukyu) are on the course of extinction by 2050.

Classification

• The Ryukyuan languages form a branch of the Japonic language family.

• In terms of internal relationships, the Ryukyuan languages are divided into two groups: Northern Ryukyuan languages and Southern Ryukyuan languages.

• Yonaguni language (Dunanmunui) belongs to the Southern Ryukyuan languages, and it has two dialects: dialect of Tumaimura (祖納村ぬ言葉) and dialect of Ndimura (比川村ぬ言葉). However, most written sources generally do not stress on the two dialects of Dunan simply because differences between them are not salient in perception.

Writing system

• Japanese Hiragana and Katakana are used to write modern Dunanmunui, but currently there is no standardized orthography.

• The most common way to Dunan is full Hiragana writing.

• Similar to Uchinaaguchi (Okinawan language), it is possible to write Dunan in Kana-Kanji mixed script.

[risaomine]

A year from now, you better be even that much closer to your goals and ambitions instead of where you are now.

[risaomine]