rivsaeya

[rivsaeya]

I bet Santa hates time

When I was 6, I pretty much knew who Santa Claus was. He's a fat old man with a big and snowy beard. He wears a rather comfy red and white top and matching trousers, and of course, his big black boots and wide buckled belt. He visited my home once a year with his six helpful elves to put several toys for me and my brothers under the big Christmas tree. Sad thing about it is that Santa is too shy and would only place gifts when me and my brothers were behaving correctly, and only when we were asleep.

Whenever it is the night of the 24th of December, my brothers and I would quickly head to bed as early as 7 in the evening to sleep and wake up with gifts under the dark, slightly shone Christmas tree by the small Christmas lights in between our windows. The next thing I know, my eyes were very much awake and my head couldn't be put to rest, so I would run to my mom and ask to be gently rubbed on my back to help me sleep. My mom's technique somehow worked because I'd randomly wake up in my bed on the morning of December 25th, unbeknownst to how I got there when hours earlier, I was just in my mom's embrace. I would quickly disregard of the thought and head straight to the Christmas tree, and with my pupils dilated, my hands shaking, and my heart thumping loud and fast, there it was was in my sight, the gifts Santa Claus had given for me and my brothers. As quickly as how a cheetah might run, I then took my 3 big-bagged gifts, carefully opened it, and there they were, my cool Mclaren hot wheels and big remote-controlled excavators. My cheeks would quickly become rounded and my eyes would temporarily disappear as a smile had been carved across my face and my teeth were highly visible. This sight would be seen by both of my parents and they would smile back at me and I would then run to them, with my arms dangling side to side, and I'd run myself over my mother's lap and I would then demand to be carried by my father. All of the time, they would ask me, "Do you like your gifts, Ping?", and before a thought had even appeared in my mind, I would automatically answer, "Yes, I love these so much, I love you and thank you so much, Mimi and Papa".

Shortly after those events, my relatives and cousins arrived at our doorstep hour after hour, and me, my brothers, and my cousins would gather in a room to play mutiplayer games. While these were happening, we would laugh ourselves out, with the karaoke echoing through the house halls, my father laughing loudly with my grandpas and uncles, my mother checking up on my grandmas and my aunts, and before I forget, there would be a pleasant flavourful aroma that could be sniffed across the whole corners of the house, with the scratching cooking pans and sizzling noises. When dusk falls, my cousins and I would form "bedforts" to sleep together and wake up when it would be the time to eat. It is indeed just as planned, we woke up, there were lots of viands and drinks placed on our food table, and my parents and relatives could be seen in the living room, singing together and laughing together. My cousins and I would ironically call them angrily because we're getting hungry when they were literally the one who just woke us up. The whole family gathers across the food table and we'd pray together, after praying, the phrase "Merry Christmas" could be heard almost everywhere in the house, and a warm sensation could be felt across the house and my cousins and I would eat in a single spot, often times we'd crowd ourselves so much because we didn't want to be separated. After eating, we would head to our bedrooms and play until we would be sleepy, but that would be a long hour to go because we'd want to make the most out of every Christmas together. In the following days, specifically on December 30, we would celebrate my birthday and it would be the best birthday I'd ever have because the family was complete, my parents, my brothers, my cousins, my grandparents, and my aunts and uncles were all there. It would be my best Christmas season and birthday ever, where up until now, I'd get teary trying to recall those memories I longed to experience again. The day after celebrating my birthday, the house would then become spacious and I would heavily cry because all my grandparents, cousins, and relatives would have gone home to their places to celebrate New Year. I'd go as far as to say that it could be one of the worst feelings I've felt because in the following days, I would feel so empty and sad because everything is over. However, the feeling of grief and emptiness is a good indicator that I've spent my Christmas and birthday well and it's a memory worth holding on to. It's the perfect Christmas essence for me.

Several years have passed and everything changed. I don't believe in Santa anymore, my brothers and I doesn't sleep together on the 24th of December to wake up on the morning of December 25th anymore, I could easily sleep on the night of December 24th and I wouldn't feel the need to run to my mom to help me sleep anymore. I mean, my grandparents, cousins, and relatives would come to our home, but we don't celebrate Christmas the way we used to anymore. My cousins would be stuck on their smartphones, and I would find myself struggling to speak to them because I would feel shy and there's something that's constraining me to speak to them. After some time, I'd figure a way to talk to them but it would only be for a short time, and we'd get stuck on our smartphones again and we'd let a day pass by without a meaningful interaction. As usual, they would go back to their places after my birthday and their departure doesn't leave an effect to me the way it used to. I don't feel the grief and emptiness anymore, it's more like a normal day that has casually passed. I would ask myself, was that really Christmas? But I would suddenly remember that all of my past Christmas weren't really the complete essence of Christmas. Christmas is about celebrating the birth of our saviour, Jesus Christ, who saved us from our sins and brought peace to the world we know today. Christmas is about celebrating Christ's birth along with our loved ones, and even when it didn't feel the same way as it used to, what's important is we get to celebrate it with our loved ones still with us, and with us, celebrating and thanking our Lord and Jesus Christ for the goodness they brought for us.

Even with all this, I would still find myself asking myself the same question over and over again. "Why did my Christmas change?", I think that the answer to this is perhaps, it's not really Christmas that changed, it's because time really does fly. When we were still young and innocent, our minds were focused on staying happy and finding excitement in everything we do, but as growing individuals, our viewpoints and priorities would change, which in turn, changes parts of us. I don't believe in Santa anymore because I grew up. My brothers and I do not sleep together anymore because we grew up. I wouldn't run to my mom to sleep anymore because I grew up. I wouldn't find cool McLaren hot wheels and remote-controlled excavators in my gifts anymore because I grew up. My cousins and I do not sleep and play together anymore because we grew up. In this sense, I blame it all on time. Time changed the Christmas I usually experienced. Christmas didn't feel the way it was supposed to feel when I was younger. Time is honestly so confusing for me. One day, nothing seems to change, and suddenly, everything is different. Realizing that I'm powerless to turn back time, it's my worst truth to accept that everything only lasts for a moment, and while they do last for a lifetime, but only in our minds, and that includes the Christmas I've felt when I was a kid. Are we that powerless wherein we are bound to live in nostalgia every single day because of a passed moment that we really wanted to experience twice? I like to think that maybe, time is just a cruel being where it makes us live a beautiful moment, and it tortures us by making us long for it for the rest of our lives.

When I was writing this, memories came in waves, and I was drowning.