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𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐈 𝐌𝐀𝐃𝐄 𝐅𝐎𝐑? | 𝐌𝐘 𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐄 𝐀𝐃𝐃𝐈𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 — 𝐁𝐓𝐒

summary: in which bts find themselves completely and utterly infatuated with one of the members of hybe’s newest girl group, le sserafim, developing a strange and unhealthy addiction to their junior

warnings: age gap (3-8 year age gap), oc is of consenting and legal age, yandere bts, unhealthy, possessive, and obsessive behavior, violence, idol au

a/n: here is the next oneshot of my strange addiction! i wanted to dedicate the second oneshot to providing a backstory of oc's life before she became an idol and what led her to quit her passion as a gymnast. i DO NOT know much about gymnastics so please forgive me for how vague this entire oneshot seems! if there are any inaccuracies, i apologize in advance and hope you understand. thank you! (also no bangtan in this one)

rating: 18+ (minors dni)

pairings: ot7 x fem reader

word count: 7479

taglist [CLOSED]: @thepixienamednyxie @inlovewithallmusic @afiaaaa19 @minchedchilli @severuslovebot @jjkluver7 @solaany @taekritimin123 @notvantaes @jewishmommy @weeeeeekly @0rubyrose0 @thechillmage @cuntessaiii @earth2joon @huni7857 @yukichan67 @coralmusicblaze @ts-1030 @mochisdayone @devilzliaison @hollyschit @whenthebeatdrop-beatdrop @crushedblackroses @xicanacorpse @blackswan446 @stopeatread @iammeandmeisiam @monysakura @iveivory

taglist note: the taglist for my strange addiction is CLOSED. if you asked to be added to the taglist prior to this oneshot being published but i did NOT add you, please let me know so i can add you right away,

Gymnastics was the only stability you had in your life.

When you were ten, your parents divorced. Constant fights were between them, often over minuscule subjects that were not worth arguing over. Their marriage had been strained before you were even born but they stayed together once they found out that your mom was pregnant with you. Holding onto a broken marriage for the sake of your surprise baby was an impressive feat but it only meant that they held resentment toward you. To your parents, you were the sole reason why they had yet to divorce. They were both tied down to you because they had to raise you and while they thought they were preventing you from growing up in a broken home, you were actually susceptible to their resentment.

They eventually divorced, leaving you amid a failed marriage. You tried picking up the broken pieces, desperately scrambling around in hopes they would love each other once again. Your attempts were futile and soon enough, you found yourself being exchanged at a random gas station every other weekend.

Not too long after they divorced, both of your parents found a new significant other and before you knew it, you had two additional parents and several step-siblings in your life. It rubbed you the wrong way how quickly they seemed to move on. Granted, they were in a loveless marriage for quite some time but to you, it seemed like they weren't mourning the loss of the family. You loved your step-parents and step-siblings more than anything as they welcomed you into their lives with open arms but sometimes you wished they didn't appear in your life so soon after your parents divorced. The wound of having split parents was too fresh and gaining new family members within a year of the divorce only added more pain.

You had three biological older siblings, two brothers, and one sister. All three of them were significantly older than you and by the time you were old enough to form a proper relationship with them, they were off to college to pursue their own future. Even now years later, you barely had a relationship with them. In your eyes, they were complete strangers with only the bond of a shared bloodline linking all of you. There was never a second thought about any of them.

When you were in elementary and middle school, you missed out on school often for gymnastics competitions around the world. After moving up to the junior level, you found yourself having to skip more and more school days to practice and prepare for all of the competitions you had to partake in. All of the friendships you had eventually dwindled away until you were left with your friends from the gym. Eventually, those friendships became rivalries as you competed against the same girls you once called your best friends.

Being a gymnast was the only constant in your life.

While everybody in your life slowly left you, you continued to pursue your career as a professional gymnast. The losses never swayed you as long as your hard work meant that you would end up with an Olympic title. Your only concern was reaching the goals you set for yourself once you determined in your heart that you would become a professional gymnast, no matter what it took.

But sometimes you wished you held onto your friendships and relationships tighter.

"I have never seen such sloppy technique from you, Y/N." Your coach glowered at you, a murderous glint in her eye. "The Olympics are right around the corner and here you are struggling with even the simplest of elements. Do you think you deserve to go to the Olympics when there are dozens of girls out there who are much better than you?"

You winced at her insult, your face burning in shame as you stared at the ground. Truth be told, you had no excuse as to why your practices weren't the best lately. Having an off day was normal for any athletes but you were having an unacceptable amount. In fact, you had been practicing poorly ever since you were named to be on the Olympic team.

"I'm sorry," You mumbled, looking up at your coach. "I'm trying my best."

"Your best isn't enough anymore, Y/N. If this is considered your best, what are you going to do when you get to Tokyo? Hoping that doing your best will get you an Olympic medal is a joke. You need to snap out of whatever mind block you're stuck in if you want to win a medal."

The pain from sinking your teeth into your bottom lip startled you, the taste of metallic mixing with the sting of your broken skin. Your coach sighed, rubbing her forehead as her gaze on you softened.

"You have a lot of potential, Y/N. I may be biased because you're my student but I know that you can win at least one gold medal in Tokyo. I've seen what you can do and you're miles above every other gymnast who qualified for the Olympics. Even if times are tough now, competing at the biggest competition in the world will be worth it. I promise it'll get better even if it feels like it won't. I believe in you, Y/N and I hope you believe in yourself too."

"Yes, coach." You nodded your head.

"We'll end practice early today. Go home and get some rest."

It was days like these where you wished you had someone to lean on and receive comfort from. Not a single person came to mind as you trudged to the locker room with tears burning your eyes, the stress of making it to the Olympics gradually growing on you. Nowadays, you often wake up with your heart pounding out of your chest and sweat dripping down your face as if you experienced a nightmare because of the stress that was weighing down on you. The second you realized you were awake, a feeling of dread washed over you as you thought about the future that lay ahead. The type of mindset and lifestyle that was overtaking your life was exhausting, to say the least.

Nevertheless, you powered through each and every day because giving up was not an option. You worked far too hard since you were three to quit gymnastics when the Olympics were right around the corner. You couldn't do that to your parents, who had put money and time into ensuring you would have a successful career. You couldn't do that to your older siblings who had their attention ripped away from them so their parents could focus on their youngest child. You couldn't do that to your coach who had spent the past five years pushing you and helping you become a better gymnast even when you were sure that you reached your limit. Too many people sacrificed a part of themselves for you to become one of the top gymnasts in the world; if you quit now, it would be a slap in the face to them.

How could you do that to the people you loved?

Y/N Y/L/N: The Gold Medal Favorite for the 2020 Tokyo Olympics

As the 2020 Tokyo Olympics is just around the corner, there are several names to look out for; Naomi Osaka, Simone Biles, Katie Ledecky, Allyson Felix, yet there is one athlete who has made a name for herself over the past four years: Y/N Y/L/N.

From the Republic of Korea, Y/L/N has made quite a name for herself in gymnastics. Her specialty is floor and she has blown the world away with her routines over the past few seasons. She has displayed extraordinary skills and tricks in her routines throughout the past few years. With several national and international titles, Y/L/N has become one of the favorites for an Olympic gold medal.

Hundreds of thousands of fans from around the world are said to be tuning into the Olympics to see her compete. She is currently one of South Korea's most famous athletes, being recognized among figure skating Olympic champion Kim Yuna and the legendary Son Heungmin. If Y/L/N wins an Olympic title in Tokyo this summer, she will be added to the Korean Sports Hall of Fame.

"Wow, the media is trying hard to push the Olympic champion agenda onto you." Yuri made a face, glad that she wasn't the one constantly in the spotlight. "This would make me want to kill myself."

"You're telling me." You mumbled.

Yuri liked to FaceTime you out of the blue despite being on the other side of the world. Ever since she started attending university, she found herself with more free time since she was no longer studying for the college entrance exam. Your step-sister was naturally a sociable person so you knew it killed her inside to dial down her social life once she began high school. You barely had any contact with her for the four years she was studying but now that she made it into South Korea's top university, all of her stress disappeared.

"What if you just quit gymnastics?" Yunchan wondered.

Yunchan was Yuri's older brother and he also was accepted to Seoul National University. You didn't expect any less from them as they had been extremely intelligent since you met them but having them attend the same university meant that they could bother you even more. As much as you loved your step-siblings, they annoyed you whenever they decided to bother you at random hours of the day.

"I've been thinking about it." You grumbled. "Don't give me ideas."

"What!?"

It was the first time saying out loud that you were thinking about quitting gymnastics. Every athlete at some point thought about quitting their beloved sport and even if they said it out loud, it was mostly an empty threat. You, on the other hand, were getting closer and closer to retiring each day. The toll that the wretched sport was taking on your mental and physical health was becoming gradually worse. As you progressed further in your career, more expectations were weighed down on your shoulders; you felt as if you couldn't make even the tiniest mistake without being berated. Ever since you began winning more competitions, it seemed as if the world was expecting perfection from you. You heard it from your coach and you heard it from the media and fans as well. While you didn't go out of your way to read articles and social media posts about you, some things did pop up on your feed which typically consisted of very opinionated comments.

On top of waking up with a start every morning, you were struggling to fall asleep. With the stress of a big competition around the corner, you found yourself unable to sleep with the tension and nerves weighing down on you. Melatonin helped for a little bit but eventually was no help. Every piece of advice provided by medical professionals and random strangers on the Internet was of no avail as well.

"Level with us, Y/Nie." Yunchan interrupted your train of thought. He noticed your troubled expression and mirrored it, worried that you were silently struggling and had been for a really long time. "You know we won't judge you and we're always here for you." Yuri nodded her head rapidly in agreement to show her support.

You pursed your lips together. "I don't like being a gymnast anymore. I think it's time for me to retire."

"Retire?" Yuri questioned incredulously. "You just turned 21. What do you mean it's time for you to retire?"

You couldn't help but smile at her remark, amused that she was assuming you were talking about retirement due to your age. "Not because I think I'm old, I'm just not happy being a gymnast. It's all I've been my entire life and I want to explore past that."

"That's true, you've definitely been tied down to gymnastics once people began to realize that you're very talented." Yunchan mused.

When he was younger, he heard his mom talking often about a girl named Y/N who was an incredible gymnast. You were a prodigy, somebody who was going to make it big in not only the world of gymnastics but in the world of athletes as well. He heard your name constantly until he met you one random day, being introduced to each other as step-siblings. Yunchan felt like he knew you inside and out before he even met you because of how much your dad talked about you.

"I guess I've been feeling unmotivated since the pandemic started," You confessed. "Having to train alone was exhausting; I was lucky that I had access to the gym but gymnastics became boring after not competing for so long and it still feels that way sometimes. Not only that, the media talks about how I'm the favorite for an Olympic gold medal and the way I'm being compared to Kim Yuna and Son Heungmin—the Kim Yuna and Son Heungmin mind you—is getting to me and the pressure has been stressing me out. The more expectations weighed down on me, the more I resent gymnastics. And now I don't want to compete anymore."

"Oh, unnie."

Yuri and Yunchan frowned, pitifully staring at you through the screen. You mustered a small smile, trying to hold back the tears that formed in your eyes out of frustration. You felt like a weight was somewhat lifted off of your shoulders after rambling to them but you had a lot more baggage to unpack. Confiding in somebody about the problems you had was the first step; acting upon them in a way that you would be happy with the end result was the final goal and quite frankly, it seemed as if you weren't going to reach it anytime soon.

"I don't know what to do anymore." You whispered, staring at your calloused hands that reflected the years of hardships endured from being a gymnast. "Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely grateful that my parents put in years of hard work and sacrifice so that I could be where I am today but why should I compete at the Olympics if I'm not happy anymore? There are so many gymnasts who didn't qualify for the Olympics that deserve my spot more than me. I guess I just feel bad about the entire situation."

"You deserve that position more than anyone, Y/Nie. It may be hard to believe but you know that you worked hard and sacrificed everything to make it where you are today. Sure, you may think that someone else is more deserving of your spot just because you don't want to be a gymnast anymore but that doesn't necessarily mean somebody should take your spot." Yuri said.

Yunchan nodded his head. "If you want to retire after the Olympics, then that's fine. I'm sure other athletes are in the same situation as you so there is nothing to feel bad about. It's okay to outgrow and move on from gymnastics because being a gymnast has been your identity for most of your life. You have the right to move beyond that and find something else that makes you happy." He added.

Your step-siblings were the youngest on both sides of your family yet they were wise beyond their years. You began to confide in them more as all three of you grew older and they never failed to provide you with comfort and advice. While your older siblings left you behind to start their own lives, Yuri and Yunchan immediately took their place. You were grateful that they were able to give you the relationship you always wanted with your older siblings but at the same time, you felt guilty for never making an effort to become closer to them

"Thanks, guys, I appreciate both of you so much." You sighed. "Even when we're on opposite sides of the world I can rely on you guys always. Where would I be without the two of the most important people in my life?"

One downside of the Olympics being held in Tokyo was having to travel to the other side of the world. You were lucky to have booked a non-stop flight that allowed you to reach Japan in twelve hours but the total travel time including getting through security and trying to get to your hotel was well over twelve hours. You collapsed on your bed the moment you walked into your hotel room, eager to take a nap before dinner.

Your first practice was in two days and it was an unofficial practice. Your coach managed to squeeze in practice for you and the other Korean gymnasts to get a feel of what the gym was like. There was nothing worse than stepping into a competition without adjusting to the new environment; any extra practices made all the difference in how you and your teammates performed.

You turned onto your back and grabbed your phone from your pocket, pulling up YouTube to watch the latest episodes of Going Seventeen that you missed. You barely had any free time to indulge in your favorite K-pop group because you were too busy practicing. Now that you had free time until the next day, you were prepared to spend every second catching up on Seventeen content you missed.

"Y/N, open the door!"

With a groan, you rolled off of your bed and trudged over to the door. You swung the door open to see your teammates standing on the other side, displeased with how they interrupted your free time. They were all dressed up, looking much more put together than they did when you arrived in Tokyo. Yunseo and Seojeong looked at you up and down, unimpressed how your outfit still consisted of the hoodie and sweats you wore on the plane. Haksoen, Hansol, Junho, Jeahwan, and Sunghyun weren't amused by the situation either.

"Why aren't you dressed, unnie?" Yunseo was miffed.

"What do you mean why aren't I dressed?" You furrowed your eyebrows before looking down at the clothes you were wearing. "I'm not going anywhere."

"I told you she didn't read our messages." Hansol piped up.

You grabbed your phone off of your bed and swiped down on your notifications coming to find that your teammates discussed going out for dinner to explore Tokyo. Admittedly, you muted the group chat and put your phone on Do Not Disturb after their countless messages interrupted Don't Lie III. How could you watch in peace when their messages were bombarding you?

"Sorry." You sheepishly rubbed the back of your neck. "I was watching Going Seventeen."

"I knew that was the reason why she wasn't responding." Sunghyun rolled his eyes. "If she's too busy to answer us it's because she's looking at other men."

Seojeong wagged her finger at him disapprovingly. "Don't be jealous, Sunghyun."

This time it was you who rolled your eyes. You made a show of closing the door on them but they all protested, filing inside one by one and settling into your room.

"We'll wait while you get ready, unnie." Yunseo smiled sweetly. "Just don't take too long or else Junho oppa might bite your head off."

"Hey, uncalled for." Junho frowned.

You hastily grabbed a random outfit from your suitcase before ducking away into the bathroom to freshen up. Quite honestly, you didn't want to go out but also knew you had limited time to explore Tokyo. It was clear that Yunseo and Seojeong had an itinerary for your time in Tokyo because they immediately dragged the rest of the team to a restaurant that had a table prepared for all of you.

After eating a filling dinner of ramen and udon, the younger girls led the group to a shopping center. Yunseo linked arms with you, giggling as she pulled you down the bustling sidewalk away from everybody else. She sensed your dampened mood when she walked into your hotel room and was worried about your mental state declining right before the Olympics. Although she didn't train with you, Yunseo could tell you were silently battling an inner conflict.

"How are you, unnie?" She asked, deciding it was better to be straightforward rather than beat around the bush. "I feel like we haven't spoken much since we got here."

"I flew in this morning, Yunseo." You smiled amusedly.

"Exactly." The younger girl cleared her throat before turning to you with a serious expression. "Are you okay, unnie? You've been really quiet and seem kind of down. I wanted to make sure you're fine."

You were touched that Yunseo was making an effort to reach out to you but were also worried that you were being too obvious about your struggles. "I'm fine. Just stressed about competing." A simple yet honest answer would surely suffice.

Yunseo raised her eyebrows, unconvinced by your answer. Your constant slumped shoulders and downcast eyes were a clear indication that you weren't feeling well both physically and mentally. Nevertheless, she dropped the topic, opting to respect your answer rather than prying for more information. "That's valid. This might not mean much to you but I know you're gonna do amazing like always. You've never placed off the podium since you moved up to the senior level and you're only getting better from here. If there's anybody on our team who's gonna walk away with an Olympic medal, it's you."

"Thanks, Yunnie. I really appreciate that you're looking out for me even if you're stressed about your events." You smiled.

She paused in the middle of the sidewalk, wrapping her arms around your torso before pulling you into a tight hug. "I'm proud of you for making it this far, unnie."

The rest of the group stopped in front of you, confused as to why the two of you were sharing a sentimental moment in the streets of Tokyo. They glanced at one another before continuing to walk past, only having eyes for the luxury stores lined up one after another.

Yunseo pulled away before cupping your face with her hands. "You'll do great. Remember: you're a gold medal favorite. You're going to walk away with an Olympic medal."

'You're a gold medal favorite. You have to walk away with an Olympic medal.'

You jolted awake, immediately pushing yourself upright. Your head whipped back and forth as you tried to make sense of where you were and why you weren't in your own bedroom. After a few seconds, you came to the realization that you were in the Olympic Village. A heavy sigh escaped your lips as you calmed yourself down, checking the time on your phone. It was seven in the morning and you had a few hours until your final practice before the all-around individual event. A sense of dread flooded you as you thought about how your first Olympics competition was right around the corner. Despite having an empty stomach, you were quite nauseous and felt the need to throw up.

The past week in Tokyo had been miserable, to say the least. Your practices hadn't been the greatest and your coaches were getting frustrated with you. The days leading up to the Olympics had been filled with failed routines and they assumed you would be fine once you landed in Tokyo. Their assumptions were wrong, however, and you found yourself struggling to make it through a clean routine. Your hopes of getting an Olympic medal seemed to be getting slimmer and slimmer. Despite your constant mistakes, your coaches still had hope that you would end up somewhere on the podium. After all, you had never placed lower than third in any competition since you moved up to the senior level.

You had a quiet morning to yourself as you got ready for the day, which only made your nerves worse. Hundreds of thoughts and scenarios flew through your mind, countless 'what ifs?' taunting you. At breakfast, the only thing you could do was stare at your food and play around with it while your teammates happily conversed amongst one another, seemingly unbothered by the tense situation all of you were in. They spared worried glances at you, taking turns to urge you to eat and ask if you were okay. You ate a quarter of your breakfast before scurrying off to practice, avoiding the concerned glances of your teammates.

Fortunately, your body and mind cooperated with you enough to have a decent last practice. It certainly wasn't the best practice of your career but you felt significantly better than you had for the past few months. At this point, any feeling of positivity was enough to get you through the games and you were desperate enough to hold onto any optimism you could.

"Representing the Republic of Korea, Y/N, Y/L/N!"

To say you were intimidated to perform on the uneven bars after Suni Lee was an understatement. Everybody in the gymnastics community knew Suni Lee and everybody also knew that uneven bars were her strong suit. She was currently one of the best, if not the best gymnasts on uneven bars, and you were given the misfortune of competing right after her. It didn't help that uneven bars were not your forte whatsoever.

You took a deep breath, trying to calm your wildly pounding heart. You stared up at the high bar above you, taunted by a simple wooden rod that you had learned to use years ago. Your uneven bars routine was something you perfected long ago yet you were still terrified. Before you could second guess yourself, you launched yourself up to the high bar with the vault, performing your routine on complete autopilot mode.

The strength it took for uneven bars was unbelievable. Trying to build your muscles to be able to rotate your body 360 degrees and throw yourself between both bars was excruciating. Your hands were covered in callouses from your hands constantly dragging across the wooden surface, a symbol of the hard work you put in for the past seventeen years. Your combinations weren't as impressive as Suni's but it was enough to put your score on par with hers. You landed on the ground perfectly, putting your hands up with a smile to indicate the end of your performance.

"Wonderful job, Y/N. That was fantastic." Your coach gave you a high-five.

You were halfway through the all-around event, with beam and floor remaining. You specialized in beam for half of your career before you came to the sudden realization that floor routines were much more exciting. Having your strongest routines during the latter half of the event allowed you to make up for any points you may have lost during vault and uneven bars.

Throughout the entirety of the event, you were competing head-to-head with Suni and Rebeca Andrade. Going into the Olympics, you knew they would be your top competition but severely underestimated their skills. You assumed at least one of the events would be their weakness but they were perfecting every one of their routines.

"This is where you have to do the best, Y/N. If you score well on your floor routine, you can place first overall because you have an advantage in your technical skills. Whether or not you leave with an Olympic title depends on your performance." Your coach squeezed your shoulders.

All she got in return was a tight smile. If there was one thing your coach was good at other than helping you improve your gymnastics skills, it was giving you advice and words of encouragement that made you feel worse than when you started. You simply gave her a nod before moving to the corner of the spring floor where you would begin your performance. Yunseo and Seojeong were dispersed on opposite corners of the floor as they insisted you needed full support on all sides. After your name was announced, you took your place on the mat with a faux smile while waiting for the music to start.

Your first skill was a Dos Santos II, which was something you had been practicing for two years. It was by far the most difficult technique you had learned and your coach was extremely hesitant in allowing you to add it to your floor routine, let alone allow you to learn it. Daiane Dos Santos was the only gymnast who had landed it in a competition and there was a reason for that. Regardless, you begged your coach to practice it and had been attempting it in the past two competitions. They had yet to be landed cleanly but you did execute the skill perfectly during countless practices. If you weren't confident in landing it in competition, you wouldn't have wanted to attempt it at the Olympics.

A Dos Santos II consisted of an Arabian double salto in a stretched position with a level H rating. Simply landing this skill would put your technical score miles ahead of your competitors and could even guarantee an Olympic title. You knew you wouldn't be happy with yourself if you left Tokyo without at least attempting it. Since it was your opening skill, you didn't have much time to mentally prepare for it. The most you could do was take deep breaths and focus on the music to keep you on time.

The Dos Santos II was over before you could process it. By the time you launched yourself into the air, you were already back on your feet ready to move onto the next part of your routine. Everything happened so quickly that you couldn't celebrate landing one of the most difficult moves in gymnastics. You could vaguely hear your coach and teammates scream in the background but their voices were muffled. The rest of your routine was filled with skills you could complete in your sleep, which left you in your ending posing before you knew it.

With a heavy sigh, your shoulders immediately slackened as you dropped your ending pose. You bowed to the audience before hopping off of the springboard where your coach and teammates were waiting.

"That was amazing, Y/N! That Dos Santos was beautiful, it was the best you ever landed it." Your coach beamed.

"I can't believe I actually landed it." You grinned, happiness overtaking you for the first time since the competition began. "It happened so quickly and it doesn't even feel like I attempted it."

Seojeong and Yunseo pulled you into a hug, forcing you to jump up and down with them. They each squealed unintelligible exclamations in your ear, rambling about the Dos Santos II and how well you performed.

"Great job, Y/Nie." Hanseok patted your head. "You have a big chance at winning gold!"

His words caused you to freeze for a split second. You whipped your head toward the screen that was displaying the current rankings before you performed. You waited with bated breath as the judges calculated your final score, taking their time as it was the final performance of the night. A slow-motion playback of your routine was on the jumbo screen and while you may sound cocky, surely you were going to score the highest with how well you performed.

"The scores please for Y/N Y/L/N."

Yunseo squealed and clung onto your shoulders with a death grip. "Oh, I'm so scared and I'm not even the one who performed."

You needed to score higher than 13.7 points to place first to make up for the points you didn't acquire during vault and uneven bars. Suni was sitting comfortably in first place with a higher chance of winning the Olympic title but your Dos Santos II was close to leaving her in second place. You were relying on your technical score to push you into first place.

"Y/N Y/L/N has received a score of 13.933 points."

It certainly wasn't your highest score but it was enough to put you in first place. The jumbo screen flashed the final ranking up on the screen with your name at the very top.

A breath you didn't know you were holding escaped from your lips as your score popped up on the screen. You scored well enough on your floor routine to put you into first place; you were returning to Korea with an Olympic medal. All of the stress that had been burdening you finally disappeared and for the first time in months, you felt like you could breathe.

"Fantastic job, Y/N! You did wonderful!" Your coach patted your shoulder and gave you a tight hug.

Your teammates came running over, tackling you into a hug that left all of you in a pile of limbs. You were at the bottom of the pile, trying to hug them back while simultaneously struggling to breathe. Jeahwan, bless his heart, took notice of you turning purple and immediately pulled your teammates off of you.

A giggle escaped your lips at your excitement as they yanked you off the ground only to pull you into another hug. The pressure you felt throughout the season slowly dissipated, leaving you in a state of bliss.

Until the individual floor event, at least.

"I think I'm gonna throw up." You mumbled, unable to suppress the nausea that was overtaking you.

Yunseo's eyes widened in alarm. "Do you need a bucket?"

"No, I'm just dramatic."

Your teammates rolled their eyes before Junho smacked the back of your head. "You need to get therapy for this, I'm so serious." He scolded.

The situation at hand felt all too familiar. You couldn’t wrap your head around the fact that you were competing again as a finalist for the floor event. There were only eight gymnasts who qualified for the final round and you placed first in the qualification round a little over a week prior. You were the last gymnast to compete in the event which left you in a puddle of nerves by the time you were warming up and preparing to perform.

Your floor routine was similar to the one you performed during the all-around individual event but your opening combination was different. You had a new skill you had been practicing for the past three years and worked hard to perfect it so you could perform it at the Olympics. You hoped it would be recognized as a new skill and be added to the Code of Points after the Olympics were over. Alongside of dreaming to be an Olympian, you also dreamed of having an official skill named after you.

"You have to lock in immediately, Y/N. Don't let your surroundings distract you or hinder you from putting on your best performance. If you land your opening skill and perform cleanly, you'll end up in first place. I guarantee it." Your coach squeezed your shoulders.

"Don't let us down, Y/N."

Quite honestly, you had been doing a good job pushing away the pressure that loomed over you since you arrived in Tokyo. After the medal ceremony for the all-around event, the initial nerves and pressure you felt disappeared since you got into the swing of things. You were even looking forward to competing but your coach's words sent you spiraling and now you were back to square one.

What did she mean by "us"? Your entire coaching team? Your teammates? Your home country was watching you in anticipation as you prepared to perform on the biggest stage in the world? She could be talking about anybody and everybody and the mere thought made you sick.

With no time to contemplate her words, you forced yourself to walk out onto the floor with a smile on your face. You waved to the audience, who seemed to be cheering louder than ever.

"Representing the Republic of Korea, Y/N Y/L/N."

You positioned yourself in the same corner you always began your routine in and took a final deep breath before waiting for your music to start. Just like always, your body went on autopilot mode as you prepared for your new skill.

You could hear your teammates and coaches screaming as you launched yourself into the air, flipping and turning before landing heavily on your feet with a loud thud. Your arms went up as you straightened yourself out, the opening skill being landed cleanly. You cruised through the rest of the performance with ease, nailing every single skill that was left as they were all ones you were familiar with.

Once you held your ending pose for a few seconds, your body dropped to the ground as your head fell into your hands. You tried to process what happened, unable to believe you cleanly landed a skill nobody else had landed, and performed the rest of your routine flawlessly. You pushed your exhausted body off of the springboard and stood up to acknowledge the audience before joining your coach and teammates.

"Holy shit, Y/N! That was absolutely insane." Sunghyun swept you off of the ground before your feet could even touch the ground from the spring board, spinning you around in a tight hug.

"Put her down, you big oaf." Seojeong smacked his beefy arm. "She just threw herself around in the air and your first instinct is to spin her around? She's going to throw up on you.

Sunghyun listened to his junior and immediately placed you on the ground with a ruffle of your hair. The rest of your teammates surrounded you, taking turns to congratulate you and gushing endlessly about your performance. Your coach barely praised you before the speakers were crackling back to life for your final score.

"Y/N Y/L/N has earned a total score of 15.566."

It wasn't the best score seen at the Olympics but it was much higher than your own personal record. Your mouth fell open as the numbers flashed onto the jumbo screen, unable to believe what your eyes were reading. Your vision was obscured by a body throwing itself against you as you were pulled into a hug for the umpteenth time. You lost count of how many times you were squeezed in a hug but knowing you had a wonderful support system warmed your heart. The past few weeks in Tokyo had been nothing short of grueling so you were thankful that your teammates did whatever they could to support you despite having to focus on their own events.

There was a half-hour break before the medal ceremony and every single second was filled with interviews and photos. You never had so many cameras and microphones shoved into your face in your entire life which made winning an Olympic title more overwhelming. You couldn't process what was happening but the more questions you were asked about how you felt, the bigger the pit in your stomach became.

Before you knew it, you were preparing for the medal ceremony. As the lights in the stadium dimmed, a familiar sense of dread washed over you. You gulped nervously and fiddled around with your fingers while watching members of the Olympic committee set up for the ceremony. You felt the same sickness in your stomach during the medal ceremony for the all-around individual event but chalked it off as being exhausted from practicing extensively. You hoped you would be excited for the floor medal ceremony since you won a medal for your specialty but you were feeling even worse than you did a week ago.

"And the Olympic gold medalist from the Republic of Korea, Y/N Y/L/N!"

Straightening your back with a deep breath, a smile forced its way onto your face as you waved to the cheering crowd. Before you stepped onto the podium, you bowed to the audience and hugged Jade Carey and Rebecca Ferrari, who were the silver and bronze medalists.

You nervously eyed the president of the International Gymnastics Federation as she walked over to you with a big smile on your face. She shook your head before placing the gold medal around your neck, congratulating you for your stellar performance. It felt wrong to accept the medal from her when all you wanted to do was rip it off of your neck and give it to Jade instead.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the 2020 Olympic floor medalists!"

The sight of the Korean flag being raised amidst the American and Italian flags was a sight you never thought you would dread to see. Winning an Olympic title was your dream but at one point did it stop? When did you start hating the sport you dedicated your entire life to?

As you stood on the podium with your hand on your chest as the Korean national anthem heard distantly in your ears, you realized that gymnastics was no longer your passion. The gold medal hanging around your neck felt heavy and it felt as if it tied you to a stone to leave you dropping into the middle of the ocean. Your ears were ringing and your head was spinning, your heart started to beat faster from the overwhelming sensation of being in an undeserving position.

Who were you to claim the Olympic gold medal when you no longer cared for gymnastics? The girls next to you worked equally as hard, perhaps even harder to become an Olympic champion and here you were, preparing to draft your retirement statement rather after returning home. You spent almost the entirety of your life working to make it to the Olympics but with the Olympic title finally in the palm of your hand, you felt nothing short of empty.

Even as you were hugged by your teammates and coaches after the Olympic medal ceremony, you felt empty. A fake smile was pasted on your face during every interview and press conference to hide your conflicted feelings. What would the public say if there was even the slightest hint of displeasure on your face? You would be painted as an ungrateful, undeserving Olympic champion; the last thing you needed was your name dragged through the mud. Millions of people in South Korea rooted, supported, and cheered for you ever since you began to make a name for yourself within the last few years. You were obligated to show your appreciation even if it ate away at you inside.

"You're an Olympic champion again, unnie!" Seojeong squealed, holding your hands as she jumped up and down.

You jumped up and down with her, trying to share her excitement as she rambled about how the two of you would be going home with Olympic medals, a life long dream finally accomplished.

"I'm so happy!" You smiled, squeezing her hands gently. "And I'm so proud of you, Seojeongie. You did amazing."

She smiled, pouting before pulling you into a hug. "I'm proud of you too, unnie. So proud. I know the past couple of years haven't been easy on you but you did amazing. I'm happy and honored that I get to call you my teammate."

Your coach gave you a hug next, swaying you from side to side as she held you tightly. She then pulled away, smiling tearfully at you which shocked you. In the six years you had been training with her, she never once shed a single tear. You didn't know she was capable of showing any emotion beyond stoicism but she had been shocking you constantly since arriving in Tokyo.

"Coach, are you crying?" A bewildered expression broke out on your face as your coach let out a sob.

"Oh my Y/Nie, I can't believe you're a two-time Olympic champion." She wiped the tears off of her face, fanning her face to compose herself. "I know the past few years have been extremely difficult for you but you've done well. I'm so proud of you and there's nobody more deserving to win that title than you."

Guilt once again overtook you, seizing you by the neck with a tight grip. You exhaled deeply in a poor attempt to get your feelings back in check, worried that she would notice your distressed state. You hugged her back with a laugh to mask how you were truly feeling about your Olympic title.

The endless praises and congratulations were only making you feel worse about the entire situation. You weren't sure what was wrong with you and you absolutely hated how you felt but you couldn't shake off the guilt that came with the medal. It felt heavier and heavier by the second.

You were able to walk away from the Olympics with two gold medals but at what cost?

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