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How COVID-19 is Changing Sex and Relationships (Video)

How have people's sex lives and relationships changed as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic? Some of my colleagues and I at The Kinsey Institute conducted a study in order to find out. We surveyed more than 2,000 adults about how their intimate lives have changed in the face of this pandemic and its associated social restrictions.

In this video, I summarize some of the key things we have learned so far. For a deeper dive into the results of this research, check out the following articles that cover:

Changes in sexual frequency and behavior

Changes in sexual fantasy frequency and fantasy content

Changes in porn use

Changes in relationship behaviors, including reaching out to exes and changes in relationship quality

More results coming soon! In the meantime, if you’d like to take part in a sex study, check out this page for current opportunities.

Watch more videos on sex and relationships here.

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook (facebook.com/psychologyofsex), Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit (reddit.com/r/psychologyofsex) to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.

Image Source: 123RF/Andrey Kiselev

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Conversational Boundaries without Stonewalling

Difficult conversations can lead to flooding. Here are steps to remain calm while staying present for yourself and your partner.

The post Conversational Boundaries without Stonewalling appeared first on The Gottman Institute.

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Why People Have Sex With Their Exes—And How It Makes Them Feel

When a couple decides to end a relationship, the result isn’t always a clean break. There’s often some degree of contact that continues and, sometimes, that includes sex. But who has sex with an ex—and why? And are the answers to these questions similar or different for men and women?

A recent set of studies published in the journal Evolutionary Psychology offers a fascinating glimpse into the world of breakup sex.

In the first study, researchers recruited 212 college students (average age of 21, most of whom were White and heterosexual) who had engaged in breakup sex before, defined specifically as “sexual intercourse with an ex-romantic partner with whom the individual was in a long-term committed relationship, with this sexual activity occurring within 2 weeks of the termination of the relationship.” 

Why focus only on sex that occurs within two weeks of breakup? Because research shows that sadness typically reaches its peak two weeks after a breakup and starts to decline around 4 weeks. Four weeks post-breakup is also when people tend to have sex with a new partner on average. In light of this, the researchers wanted to look at sex with an ex at a time before emotional distress was highest (to ensure that sadness wasn’t the primary motivator) and also before they’ve likely had sex with anyone else. 

Participants were asked a series of questions about the most recent time they had breakup sex, as well as how they think they would feel about having breakup sex in the future. 

Generally speaking, men reported more openness to having breakup sex than women. Regardless of who broke up with whom or how attractive one’s ex was, men reported more willingness.

However, men and women did not differ in their openness to breakup sex when they still loved their partner—in that case, men and women were equally (and highly) likely to say they would have breakup sex. Likewise, there was no gender difference when it came to using breakup sex as a tool to show an ex what they were missing out on. 

Compared to women, men reported more willingness to try new sexual behaviors—things they would not normally engage in—during breakup sex, perhaps as a way of demonstrating their sexual value or getting their partner back. Alternatively, perhaps they see it as an opportunity to explore fantasies and desires with a comfortable partner without fear of judgment or concern about how it would affect the relationship.  

Compared to men, women reported anticipating more negative feelings about having breakup sex in the future, and they reported less positive feelings about the last time they had breakup sex. This suggests that women are more likely to regret breakup sex than men, which is consistent with previous research finding that women are more likely than men to regret their sexual actions.  

In the second study, researchers recruited 92 college students and asked them to come up with a list of all of the possible reasons why they or someone they know has had breakup sex in the past. 

In total, 292 reasons emerged; however, after combining similar responses, the researchers came up with a set of 52 distinct reasons for breakup sex that included: sex is fun, missing sex, wanting to get back together, missing one’s partner, feeling lonely, still having feelings, and being bored. 

Researchers then recruited a separate group of 585 participants online (average age of 32, predominately White, all heterosexual). They were given the list of 52 reasons for breakup sex and were asked to report how often they had breakup sex for each reason in the past. If they’d never had breakup sex, they were asked to report how likely they would be to have breakup sex in the future for each reason.

What they found was that participants’ responses statistically clustered into three distinct groups:

· Relationship maintenance motives: these were reasons that centered around the emotional elements of breakup sex, such as being in love or still having feelings, longing for or missing one’s partner, being lonely, and wanting attention or to feel better.

· Hedonistic motives: these were reasons that centered around the enjoyable and physical elements of breakup sex, such as having a fun or exciting experience, relieving sexual tension, satisfying needs, and having a partner you’re comfortable with. 

· Ambivalent feelings: these were reasons that centered around dealing with unresolved emotions, moving on, and/or using sex as a means to an end. This included wanting to have “hate sex,” trying to get over one’s ex, wanting to regain power or feel confident, and coping with stress. 

Beyond these three main motives, there were a few that didn’t seem to fit anywhere, such as being drunk, wanting to say a “final goodbye,” and not seeing any better options. 

In terms of gender differences, men were more likely to say they’d had breakup sex for hedonistic and ambivalent motives. However, there were no gender differences in having breakup sex for relationship maintenance motives. 

It is important to note that these findings do not tell us how common breakup sex actually is, and they don’t come from a representative sample of the population. Thus, it is possible that people might engage in breakup sex for other reasons, and that the most common reasons might vary across different groups of persons. 

That said, these results tell us that breakup sex is a complicated phenomenon. People might have sex with an ex shortly after breaking up for a wide range of reasons. However, there do seem to be some gender differences in willingness to have breakup sex, one’s motivations for pursuing it, as well as how one feels afterwards. 

The fact that women tend to not feel as good about their breakup sex experiences as men has several potential explanations. For example, it could be function of the sexual double standard, or the idea that women tend to be judged more harshly than men for their sexual behaviors—this may partly explain why women are more likely to regret casual sex in general. Alternatively, some would argue that there could also be an evolutionary explanation: there are more potential reproductive costs for women than men when it comes to having sex outside the context of a committed relationship.

However, it could also be due to the fact that men and women may pursue breakup sex for very different reasons. For example, men’s most common reason for having breakup sex was hedonism—and men reported more hedonistic motives than women. So if men are more likely to be using breakup sex purely for sexual enjoyment, then it’s probably not surprising that they report more positive experiences with it. 

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook (facebook.com/psychologyofsex), Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit (reddit.com/r/psychologyofsex) to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.

To learn more about this research, see: Moran, J. B., Wade, T. J., & Murray, D. R. (2020). The psychology of breakup sex: Exploring the motivational factors and affective consequences of post-breakup sexual activity. Evolutionary Psychology, 18(3), 1474704920936916.

Image Source: 123RF/Wavebreak Media Ltd

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Sex and Psychology Podcast: The Orgasm Gap, and How to Close It

In sexual encounters between men and women, research has consistently found that there’s a sizable orgasm gap, such that men tend to reach orgasm with far greater frequency than their female partners. For example, when people reflect on their sexual experience over the past month, heterosexual men report orgasming 95% of the time, compared to just 65% of the time for heterosexual women. Interestingly, however, there’s no difference in orgasm rates when comparing gay men to lesbians, suggesting that this situation is unique to situations where women are having sex with men.

So why does the orgasm gap exist in the first place? And what can we do to close it?

For this episode of the podcast, I interviewed Dr. Laurie Mintz, who has studied the orgasm gap extensively. In addition to running a sex therapy practice for individuals and couples, Dr. Mintz is a professor and sexuality educator at the University of Florida. She is a prolific researcher and author, having published more than 50 academic journal articles and two books, with her latest being Becoming Cliterate.

We cover a lot of ground in this episode, including:

Where does the orgasm gap come from?

What steps can we take to help close this gap?

How does a lack of comprehensive sex education contribute to the orgasm gap and to some of the most common sexual problems people experience?

How does one know when it’s time to consult a sex therapist?

What are the biggest myths and misconceptions people have about sex?

Is it really true that women reach their sexual “peak” later than men?

Is it really true that sex is a more emotional experience for women but a more physical experience for men?

To learn more about Laurie’s work and books, check out her website here.

To listen to the podcast, stream/download via the player underneath. Happy listening!

You can also listen to my podcast and stream all episodes on Apple, Spotify, Google, or Amazon. Subscribe to automatically receive new episodes, and please rate and review the podcast!

Like what you see? To keep up with my latest videos and podcasts, please subscribe to my YouTube channel. You can also subscribe to my podcast on Apple or Google.

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology ? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook (facebook.com/psychologyofsex), Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit (reddit.com/r/psychologyofsex) to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.

Credits:

Music - 123RF/timtaj

Photo: Laurie Mintz, HarperOne

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The Three Sex Positions Women are Most Likely to Orgasm in

Women don’t always orgasm during vaginal intercourse, especially if clitoral stimulation isn’t part of the equation. In fact, in a nationally representative study of more than 1,000 women from the United States, most (59%) said that they orgasm less than half of the time they engage in intercourse that doesn’t involve clitoral stimulation. However, when clitoral stimulation is added, the rate of orgasm increases significantly. 

There are obviously many ways to stimulate the clitoris during sex, such as by utilizing vibrators or other sex toys, or using your own (or your partner’s) hands—but this can also be accomplished by changing up your sexual position. Research has found that at least three specific positions up the odds of orgasm for women, in part, because they naturally offer more clitoral stimulation than other positions.

One of these is the woman above, face-to-face position, also know colloquially as the “cowgirl.” In addition to offering more clitoral stimulation, this position allows women more control over speed and depth of penetration; however, some may also simply enjoy the feeling of being on top. 

Evidence for this comes from a recent study of more than 11,000 heterosexual adults in the Czech Republic in which participants were asked about the frequency with which they orgasm in 13 different sexual positions [1]. 

The most frequently used position among participants was the missionary position (face-to-face, man on top). However, this position was unrelated to orgasm consistency in women. By contrast, the cowgirl position was linked to more consistent orgasms. 

Only one other position was linked to orgasm consistency in this study: the sitting, face-to-face position, in which both partners are sitting upright with the woman on top.

Both the sitting and cowgirl positions afford more clitoral stimulation because the clitoris receives more direct contact or friction from her partner’s body due to positioning. 

This study also found that the rear entry or “doggystyle” position was actually linked to less consistent orgasms in women. This makes sense because, unless the male partner has a large, pendulous scrotum, there are few opportunities for direct clitoral stimulation to occur without the use of hands or sex toys. 

While this study asked about 13 different positions, there is one the researchers did not inquire about that other studies have shown to be effective in producing consistent orgasms in women: the coital alignment technique (or CAT for short).

The CAT is basically a modified missionary position in which the male partner is on top and he leans his body forward until the base of his penis touches his partner’s clitoris. The partners then grind or rock their pelvises back and forth to maintain constant penile-clitoral contact. Here’s the technical description of it: 

“The positioning for coital alignment requires a shift forward by the male partner from the standard missionary position to the male ‘pelvic-override’ position, in which the base of the penis makes direct contact with the woman’s clitoris. This makes vaginal penetration with constant clitoral contact possible in coitus, completing a fundamental genital ‘circuitry.’ The genital contact is maintained by a coordinated form of sexual movement in which the woman leads the upward stroke and the man the downward stroke. The partner moving his or her pelvis backward exerts a slight but firm counterpressure. The penile-clitoral connection is held together by pressure and counterpressure simultaneously exerted genitally by both partners in a rocking motion rather than the familiar ‘in and out’ pattern of coital thrusting.” [2]

The CAT is a different kind of intercourse in that it’s not about in-and-out thrusting—it’s about a coordinated set of pelvic movements. In other words, it requires a different approach to sex than what most people probably think of.

So there you have it. For heterosexual women who find it difficult to reach orgasm consistently through penile-vaginal penetration alone, finding ways to add clitoral stimulation is very important. 

As always, different people may prefer different strategies or techniques. Feel free to use your hands, your partner’s hands, a sex toy or vibrator, or one of the three positions discussed above (cowgirl, sitting face-to-face, and the CAT). Explore, experiment, and try different things. See what works best for you and what you enjoy most. 

However, the key takeaway here is that the sex position most frequently used isn’t one that offers women consistent experiences with orgasm, which tells us that one easy way to help close the orgasm gap may be to try a new position. 

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook (facebook.com/psychologyofsex), Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit (reddit.com/r/psychologyofsex) to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.

[1] Krejčová, L., Kuba, R., Flegr, J., & Klapilová, K. (2020). Kamasutra in Practice: The Use of Sexual Positions in the Czech Population and Their Association With Female Coital Orgasm Potential. Sexual Medicine.

[2] Pierce, A. P. (2000). The coital alignment technique (CAT): An overview of studies. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 26, 257-268.

Image Source: 123RF

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The Impact of COVID-19 on the LGBTQ+ Community

The COVID-19 pandemic has had a powerful impact on people’s sexual and romantic lives. At the Kinsey Institute, we conducted a study to explore how people’s intimate lives have fared during these challenging times, and we’ve found that rates of sexual activity are down on average and that many have reported deterioration in the quality of their relationships, although some have reported improvements. 

But has the impact been the same on everyone? Specifically, are there differences in how things are going based on one’s sexual orientation? I dug into our data to find out. 

I compared how those who identified as heterosexual were doing compared to those who identified as part of the LGBTQ+ community, and what I found is that sexual minorities appeared to be more stressed by the pandemic. They also reported elevated rates of engagement in solo sexual activities. Here is a brief summary of the findings:

·  In general, those who identified as LGBTQ+ reported feeling more stressed and lonely, and they reported less life satisfaction compared to their heterosexual counterparts. 

·  LGBTQ+ participants reported more desire for masturbation and higher rates of self-stimulation during the pandemic than did heterosexuals.

·  LGBTQ+ participants were more likely to report making new additions to their sex lives since the pandemic began. Specifically, they were more likely to report trying new solo or virtual activities for the first time, such as using sex toys or vibrators during masturbation, having cybersex, filming themselves masturbating, and visiting camming sites.

·  LGBTQ+ participants reported feeling less satisfied with the amount of intimate touch they were receiving in their lives. 

What accounts for these differences? There are several potential explanations: 

· LGBTQ+ participants tended to be younger and they reported more concerns and worries about the financial impact that COVID-19 would have on them. This fits with other data findings that the financial effect of COVID-19 has been felt more by sexual minorities, in part, because they are more likely to work in industries that have been highly affected and they are less likely to have health insurance and access to healthcare. These factors could potentially contribute to the higher rates of stress and anxiety.

· LGBTQ+ participants were more likely to be living alone. This may contribute to feelings of loneliness, especially given the limitations on alternative opportunities for in-person socialization. Of course, it likely also plays a role in satisfaction with intimate touch because there are going to be fewer opportunities to physically connect with other persons.

· Prior to the pandemic, LGBTQ+ individuals were experiencing higher rates of mental health problems, including depression and anxiety, due to minority stress (i.e., frequent and stressful experiences with prejudice and discrimination) [1]. Thus, when a population that is already higher in stress encounters another potent stressor, this has the potential to exacerbate the impact of the new stressor.

· Higher rates of masturbation and trying new solo and virtual activities may reflect, in part, an adaptive coping strategy aimed at blunting the impact of stress and anxiety. Masturbation is an activity that many people use to relax and relieve stress, so it is possible that LGBTQ+ individuals may be masturbating more for this reason. However, as noted above, these individuals were also more likely to be living alone, so not having a live-in sexual partner could also be another reason for higher rates of masturbation.  

It is important to note that our data are not representative of the overall population, so caution is warranted in drawing broad conclusions. However, they do line up with other reports suggesting that COVID-19 has put disproportionate strain on the LGBTQ+ community. 

I should also note that these data were collected relatively early on in the pandemic, and it is possible that things have changed and that sexual minorities have found new and different ways to adapt to these challenges and cope with pandemic-related stress. 

That said, these findings suggest that COVID-19 has had different impacts on different communities. As a result, it is important for policymakers to consider the unique challenges faced by diverse communities in developing plans to address this situation, as well as similar future situations that might arise. 

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook (facebook.com/psychologyofsex), Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit (reddit.com/r/psychologyofsex) to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.

[1] Kuyper, L., & Fokkema, T. (2011). Minority stress and mental health among Dutch LGBs: examination of differences between sex and sexual orientation. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 58(2), 222-233.

Image Source: 123RF/Melinda Nagy

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What Men Who Use Sex Toys Know That You Don’t

**Note: This post is sponsored by bestblowjobmachines.com

When it comes to sex toy use, there is a pretty sizeable gap between men and women. Studies have consistently found that women use sex toys during masturbation at much higher rates compared to men.

For example, in a national online study of 1,723 heterosexual adults in Germany published earlier this year, 45% of the overall sample said they had used a sex toy during masturbation before; however, when broken down by gender, the numbers were 53% for women and 37% for men [1].

The fact that a sizeable gender gap in sex toy use exists in Germany—a pretty sexually liberal and sex-positive culture—is notable in and of itself. However, it is also interesting to compare these results to findings from somewhat more sexually conservative cultures, such as the United States. 

For example, in national samples from the U.S., researchers have found that 46% of women and 17% of men say they’ve used a sex toy during masturbation at some point in their lives [2,3]. Thus, the gender gap persists across cultures, with women being substantially more likely to have used toys. However, in more sex-positive cultures, the gap seems to be a bit smaller and the total number of men who have used sex toys seems to be a big higher. 

Any way you look at it, though, most men aren’t using sex toys during masturbation—and research suggests that they might be missing out. For example, when asked about the effects of sex toy use on their sex lives, men overwhelmingly report positive effects [1], so there is something to potentially be gained through enhanced pleasure and fulfillment. This is at least partly because sex toys are a form of sexual novelty—they allow us to try something new and experience some different sensations. However, that’s not all.

The most commonly used sex toys among men are devices that stimulate the penis, and there’s actually research showing that some of these toys can potentially help men to overcome certain sexual difficulties. For example, masturbation sleeves have been used as a successful treatment for both premature ejaculation and delayed orgasm [4,5], perhaps because they can help men to develop better ejaculatory control with practice. Findings like this may help to explain why men who use sex toys tend to report better sexual functioning overall [2]. 

For men who might be thinking about using sex toys for the first time, where do you even begin? There are endless options, which can make the search seem rather daunting. Fortunately, our friends over at Best Blowjob Machines have put together a handy guide to hands-free pleasure if you’re on the market for a male masturbator. 

Their site offers in-depth reviews of some of the most popular masturbation devices on the market. They explore the different features, unique pros and cons, tips for how to make the most out of your experience, and answer common questions (e.g., where to buy, what they’re made of, how long they last, etc.). They also include photos and videos (non-explicit) so that you can see what the products look like and how they work. 

Most of the products they review are essentially blowjob machines, and while the general concept behind them is similar, they each have some distinct qualities. For example, some have a pause button you can use if you’re trying to “edge” or stay on the brink of orgasm longer (something that might be particularly helpful for those specifically seeking to gain better ejaculatory control). Others have companion apps you can download so you can control the device with your phone. And yet others allow you to adjust tightness and suction so that you can customize the experience to your body and preferences.

There’s a lot to consider, so check them out and find what’s best for you. Just remember that there isn’t any shame in using sex toys, and that guys who use them tend to be more sexually satisfied. So if you give them a try, you might find that they give your sex life a boost.

And just in case you need another excuse to explore the world of sex toys, National Sex Toy Day is coming up on November 4!

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook (facebook.com/psychologyofsex), Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit (reddit.com/r/psychologyofsex) to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.

[1] Döring, N., & Poeschl, S. (2020). Experiences with diverse sex toys among German heterosexual adults: Findings from a national online survey. The Journal of Sex Research, 57(7), 885-896.

[2] Reece, M., Herbenick, D., Sanders, S. A., Dodge, B., Ghassemi, A., & Fortenberry, J. D. (2009). Prevalence and characteristics of vibrator use by men in the United States. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 6(7), 1867-1874. 

[3] Herbenick, D., Reece, M., Sanders, S., Dodge, B., Ghassemi, A., & Fortenberry, J. D. (2009). Prevalence and characteristics of vibrator use by women in the United States: Results from a nationally representative study. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 6(7), 1857-1866. 

[4] Rodríguez, J. E., & López, A. (2016). Male masturbation device for the treatment of premature ejaculation. Asian Pacific Journal of Reproduction, 5(1), 80-83.

[5] Rodriguez, J. E., Picazo, J. A., & Lopez, E. (2017). Male masturbation device for the treatment of delayed ejaculation: A case report. Asian Pacific Journal of Reproduction, 6(4), 191.

Image Source: 123RF/Iakov Filimonov

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How to Navigate Social Media as a Couple

Digital boundaries are the lines drawn around healthy and unhealthy use of social media.

The post How to Navigate Social Media as a Couple appeared first on The Gottman Institute.

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Women’s Masturbation Habits May Be More Nuanced Than Men’s

Some women masturbate right after having sex with their partner. Intuitively, some might assume that this necessarily means she was dissatisfied with the sex and compensating for an unfulfilling experience. In truth, however, it just might mean precisely the opposite. 

Research has found that, for sexually satisfied women, frequent sexual activity with their partner is actually linked to more masturbation [1]. In other words, masturbation is a complement to their already active and satisfying sex life. Having sex seems to make them want to masturbate more.

However, this same study found that, for sexually satisfied men, there was no link between frequency of sex and frequency of masturbation. These men masturbated the same amount no matter how much sex they were having. 

This is just one of many research findings demonstrating that masturbation practices—and the factors that propel them—are often quite different between men and women, and that women’s masturbation habits may be a bit more nuanced than those of men. 

To learn more about gender and masturbation, check out the video below, produced by Dr. Paul Joannides, author of one of my favorite sex books, The Guide To Getting It On. 

You can also check out this article to learn more about the scientific link between sex and masturbation, and how it differs across gender. 

Watch more videos on sex and relationships here.

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook (facebook.com/psychologyofsex), Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit (reddit.com/r/psychologyofsex) to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.

[1] Regnerus, M., Price, J., & Gordon, D. (2017). Masturbation and partnered sex: Substitutes or complements?. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(7), 2111-2121.

Image Source: 123RF/Mikhail Reshetnikovk

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Sex and Psychology Podcast: Sex and Disability

There are a lot of stereotypes about disabled persons, but one of the biggest is that they are necessarily asexual. However, that’s just not true. Disabled people have sexual wants and needs. They masturbate. They have sex. But almost no one talks about this. Sex and disability is a taboo topic that’s been on the margins for far too long, and we need to change that.

For this episode of the podcast, I interviewed Andrew Gurza, an award winning Disability Awareness Consultant. He has spoken all over the world on sex and disability and he is the host of Disability After Dark: The Podcast Shining a Bright Light on Disability Stories. Andrew is also developing a line of sex toys for persons with hand limitations designed to “put sexual pleasure within everyone’s reach.”

We cover a lot of ground in this episode, including:

Why is sex and disability such a taboo topic in the first place, and why is it important for us to break that taboo? How can all of us benefit from shining a light on this subject?

How is our healthcare system failing us when it comes to addressing the sexual health needs of disabled persons, and how do we change that?

What are the conversations we need to be having around sex and intellectual disabilities?

How is sex and disability viewed in other cultures? What can we learn from them?

When and how do you disclose a disability to a potential sexual or romantic partner?

If a potential partner discloses a disability to you, what types of questions and responses are appropriate? Which ones are inappropriate?

How is SexTech changing the conversations we’re having about sex and disability? How is technology improving the intimate lives of disabled persons?

To learn more about Andrew’s work, check out his website here. Also, you can learn about his new line of sex toys here.

To listen to the podcast, stream/download via the player underneath. Happy listening!

You can also listen to my podcast and stream all episodes on Apple, Spotify, Google, or Amazon. Subscribe to automatically receive new episodes, and please rate and review the podcast!

Like what you see? To keep up with my latest videos and podcasts, please subscribe to my YouTube channel. You can also subscribe to my podcast on Apple or Google.

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology ? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook (facebook.com/psychologyofsex), Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit (reddit.com/r/psychologyofsex) to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.

Credits:

Music - 123RF/timtaj

Photo: Andrew Gurza

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Mindfulness Tips for Hard Conversations

You can do more than "agree to disagree." Learn how to communicate with shared humanity and boundaries in mind.

The post Mindfulness Tips for Hard Conversations appeared first on The Gottman Institute.

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Spending Time Naked With Strangers—In a Safe Space—Can Improve Body Image

Nudism (also known as naturism) is a practice—and sometimes a lifestyle—that centers around non-sexual public nudity. As someone who grew up in the United States, I learned very early on in my life that this was taboo. I mean, whenever nudism was discussed or portrayed in the media, it was always the butt of the joke (pun intended). The impression I got was that no “normal” person would ever do this and that just being naked in front of other people is wrong, pathological, and perverted. 

However, research tells us that getting naked with strangers in a safe setting probably isn’t harmful. In fact, contrary to all of the negative assumptions and stereotypes about nudism, there just might be some benefits to it.

In a recent article published in the Journal of Sex Research, researchers sought to understand how nude socialization is linked to people’s body image. Could spending time naked improve how people feel about their appearance or help them to appreciate their bodies more?

This paper presents the results of the first-ever randomized controlled trial of communal nudity. Specifically, 27 men and 24 women were recruited in London for an experiment in which they would “hang out” with others and, if desired, drink wine.  

Participants were randomly divided into two groups. In the control condition, participants were told that “all you have to do is enjoy yourself in the company of the other participants.” In the naked (experimental) condition, participants were told to “(1) enjoy yourself in the company of the other participants and (2) do so naked. All participants are expected to disrobe for this part of the experiment.” 

Note that this study was approved by a university ethics committee, the possibility of nudity was mentioned on the informed consent document, and participants were repeatedly told that they had the option of withdrawing at any time. In other words, people freely chose to take part in this study and they didn’t have to do anything they weren’t comfortable doing.

Participants in both conditions were further instructed to create a safe space by treating everyone else with “dignity and respect at all times” and they were told that offensive, inappropriate, and harassing behavior would not be tolerated. 

After the study, participants completed a survey that included a measure of body appreciation (note that participants also completed a body appreciation survey before the socialization activity so that researchers could compare responses).

What they found was that, for participants in the naked condition, body image was significantly more positive at the end of the study than it was in the beginning. For those in the control condition, there was no significant change in body image.  

Further, they found that “social physique anxiety” (anxious feelings about the way others look at your body) was lower for those in the naked condition, and that this accounted for the increase in body image reported by these participants.  

In other words, communal nudity seemed to make people feel less anxious about how others viewed their bodies which, in turn, made them appreciate their own appearance even more. 

Please note that this was a small study conducted in the UK with an almost all White sample, so we need to be mindful of the limitations. Thus, we shouldn’t assume that these results would necessarily generalize to other persons and cultures. Also, it’s possible that this study selected for those who had more experience with public nudity, or more willingness to try it in general, so they might not be representative of the broader population.

That said, these findings suggest that communal nudity—when it occurs in a safe space—has the potential to improve body image. This is an important finding because we know that negative body image is related to a number of problematic outcomes, including several mental health issues (e.g., depression, eating disorders), as well as sexual and relationship difficulties (e.g., avoidance of sex with one’s partner). Interventions that improve body image therefore have the potential to offer a number of positive downstream effects, although we clearly need more research to demonstrate this definitively.

Of course, this isn’t to suggest that communal nudity is the only way to improve body image or that nudity is necessarily the best approach for everyone. However, for those who are open to trying it, spending more time naked just might offer some psychological benefits.

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook (facebook.com/psychologyofsex), Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit (reddit.com/r/psychologyofsex) to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.

To learn more about this research, see: West, K. (2020). I Feel Better Naked: Communal Naked Activity Increases Body Appreciation by Reducing Social Physique Anxiety. The Journal of Sex Research.

Image Source: 123RF/Oleksii Zabusik

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Holidays, COVID-19, and Addiction Recovery: Now What?

Partners need to address how they will integrate recovery into couple and family life and specifically, manage the holiday season.

The post Holidays, COVID-19, and Addiction Recovery: Now What? appeared first on The Gottman Institute.

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Women’s Experiences with Multiple Orgasms are Very Diverse

Research reports on multiple orgasms in women date back nearly a century. Despite this, surprisingly little has been published on what women’s experiences with multiple orgasms are like. There’s also a lot of debate about what it actually means to have “multiple orgasms” (e.g., How much time passes in between each one? Do they have to happen back-to-back?).  

A recent study published in the Journal of Sex Research attempted to get a better understanding of this subject through a survey of 419 women ages 18-69.  

All participants reported being multiorgasmic, with multiple orgasms being defined as “two or more orgasms in a single sexual session without significant breaks.” About two-thirds of the participants identified as heterosexual, and they reported having their very first orgasm, on average, at age 14, with their first multiple orgasm occurring around age 19. 

When asked whether they felt the had control over multiorgasmic experiences, the women were roughly evenly divided: 47.5% felt they had complete control, whereas 52.5% felt their control was incomplete. 

In terms of how many orgasms they had in a single session, the numbers varied considerably, ranging from 2 to 101. However, the modal (most common) numbers reported were 5 and 10 (reported by about 12% of women each).

Women were more likely to report having multiple orgasms with a partner than they were during masturbation, and they said they were more likely to have multiple orgasms when they were in a positive mood, felt close to their partner, and felt relaxed.

Participants were asked to describe their most recent typical experience with multiple orgasms. On average, women reported that their first orgasm occurred after about 11 minutes. Most (58%) said they continued stimulation immediately after this, with 33% taking a break of one to three minutes, and the remaining 9% taking longer breaks.

The second orgasm was reported to occur, on average, between 3-4 minutes, although women who continued stimulation reported that their next orgasm occurred faster than those who took any kind of break. 

The single most common reason for ending their orgasms was “feeling satisfied” (reported by 62% of participants). For women who had a partner, the next most common reasons were their partner being tired (34%) and being tired oneself (28%). For those engaged in masturbation, the next most common reasons were feeling tired (31%) and feeling sensitive or sore (26.5%).

The most common means by which women reported having multiple orgasms involved manual clitoral stimulation for the first orgasm. For the second orgasm, clitoral stimulation remained the most common method for those who were masturbating; however, for those with a partner, it was vaginal penetration. That said, there was diversity in how women reported reaching their first and subsequent orgasms—some also mentioned using a vibrator, having oral sex, receiving anal stimulation, and/or having their breasts stimulated.  

Lastly, the researchers found that there were at least four “types” of multiorgasmic women who varied in terms of their sexual motivation (e.g., how interested they are in sex and how sexually adventurous they are), their previous sexual history (e.g., their degree of sexual self-exploration), and the nature of their multiple orgasms (e.g., how many orgasms they typically have).  

Of course, these data are limited in that they don’t come from a representative sample, so we can’t make inferences about how common any of these experiences are. Also, participants were reporting on previous experiences and were asked to estimate time to orgasm, specific number of orgasms, etc. Thus, recall bias is another potential issue.

That said, what can we take away from all of this? Several things. First, having “multiple orgasms” doesn’t necessarily seem to mean having back-to-back orgasms with continuous stimulation—on average, there’s a few minutes between orgasms, and it’s not uncommon for stimulation to briefly pause.

Second, there seems to be a lot of variability in multiorgasmic capacity. There’s a pretty big difference between having 2 orgasms and having 100+ orgasms. There was also a lot of variation in time between orgasms.

Lastly, there’s quite a bit of diversity in terms of how women come to have additional orgasms. In the words of the study’s authors, “contrary to popular belief, female multiple orgasm is not the result of a particular recipe.” 

This point is important because there are a lot of books and “how-to” guides out there on this subject, and it seems that different things work for different women. So just because you’re following some guide and it doesn’t work for you doesn’t mean that you can’t have multiple orgasms; rather, maybe their preferred “recipe” just isn’t the right one for you.

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook (facebook.com/psychologyofsex), Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit (reddit.com/r/psychologyofsex) to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.

To learn more about this research, see: Gérard, M., Berry, M., Shtarkshall, R. A., Amsel, R., & Binik, Y. M. (2020). Female Multiple Orgasm: An Exploratory Internet-Based Survey. The Journal of Sex Research.

Image Source: 123RF/Piotr Marcinski 

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What to Do When Your Partner Comes Out to You

A confession about gender identity or sexual orientation within a relationship can bring conflicting feelings. What do you do next?

The post What to Do When Your Partner Comes Out to You appeared first on The Gottman Institute.

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Is It Possible For Someone To Not Have Sexual Fantasies?

A reader asked the following question:

“My wife claims she has no sexual fantasies. Is this possible?”

Sexual fantasies are usually defined as waking mental images or pictures that one finds to be erotic or sexually arousing. I’ve conducted several studies on sexual fantasies using this definition and have found that, while the vast majority of people report having had fantasies before, a small number of people say they’ve never had one.

For example, as the basis for my book Tell Me What You Want, I surveyed 4,175 Americans about their sexual fantasies. Toward the beginning of this survey, I defined what a sexual fantasy was (and also clarified how a fantasy is different from a dream) and then asked participants whether they’ve ever had a sexual fantasy. What I found was that 97% of people reported having had sexual fantasies. 

In other studies I’ve conducted, I’ve reliably found that 2-3% of people report having no fantasies. So who are those individuals—do they really not have any fantasies at all? 

Some of them may be persons with what is known as aphantasia, which involves an inability to voluntarily conjure up mental images. In other words, they literally cannot have fantasies about sex—or fantasies about anything else, for that matter. 

Little is known about aphantasia. The term itself was only coined in 2015 [1], so there’s just a handful of studies on the topic; however, research suggests that this can be congenital (lifelong) or acquired (meaning the ability to experience mental imagery is lost), and also that is it probably has a neurological basis. Indeed, patterns of brain activation are different for those with and without aphantasia when they attempt to visualize an image [1].

I’m not aware of any published studies exploring aphantasia and sexuality, so we don’t yet have a solid understanding of the implications for one’s sex life—however, the fact that aphantasia exists tells us that some people just can’t have sexual fantasies. 

That said, it’s unlikely that the 2-3% of people without sexual fantasies all have aphantasia. For example, some of them might not have been entirely honest because they have sexual fantasies they don’t wish to admit to. In other words, it might be easier for some people to lie and say they don’t have fantasies at all than to admit to having fantasies that they find to be shameful or embarrassing. 

However, it’s also possible that some people have fantasies that they just don’t think of as fantasies. Since publishing Tell Me What You Want, I’ve traveled the country putting on lectures and workshops and I’ve had the chance to speak to a ton of sex therapists and everyday people about sexual fantasies. One of the things I learned through my conversations is that some people have sexual thoughts that they don’t personally count as “fantasies” because they think that a fantasy has to be something kinky, or maybe something that they’ve never done before. 

In other words, some people seem to think that a sexual fantasy has to have a “fantastical” element to it—but it doesn’t. Fantasies can be mild or wild. They can be sweet and gentle, or rough and animalistic. They can be things you’ve already done, things you hope to do, things that you could potentially do but would never actually want to do, or things that would be utterly impossible to act out. 

Many of the sex therapists I’ve spoken with have worked with clients who claimed to have no fantasies, only to later discover that they actually did—the clients just weren’t thinking of their fantasies as fantasies. Part of the way the therapists discovered this was often by asking a different question, such as “what do you think about when you masturbate or touch yourself?” Fantasies and masturbation often go hand in hand, so to speak.

In short, if someone says they don’t have sexual fantasies, it is certainly possible that they’ve never had one because we know that some people literally cannot fantasize. However, it’s also possible that some of the people who say they don’t have fantasies are holding back because of sexual shame, or they simply have a different conception or understanding of what a sexual fantasy is. 

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook (facebook.com/psychologyofsex), Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit (reddit.com/r/psychologyofsex) to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.

[1] Tween, O. (2019, May 3). Investigation into Aphantasia: Neurological, Functional, and Behavioral Correlates. https://ift.tt/35dfEzy

Image Source: 123RF/Roman Samborskyi

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Why Romantic Partners Often Look Alike

Have you ever noticed that some romantic partners have a strikingly similar facial structure? If so, you’re not alone.

Research has found that we tend to be attracted to partners with similar looks. For example, consider a study in which heterosexual participants rated the attractiveness of a set of facial photos [1]. Embedded in this series of images was a photo of their own face that had been digitally morphed into the other sex. Participants didn't recognize the morphed face as their own and they actually rated it the most attractive of all!

Likewise, in a study in which researchers had real people and a face matching algorithm estimate the facial similarity of more than 500 male-female couples who had gotten married within the last two years, they found that partners’ faces were rated as being more similar than they were different [2].

Why is that? It might partly be a function of our broader tendency to be attracted to similar others. Multiple studies have found that we tend to be attracted to partners with similar attitudes and values, similar educational and religious backgrounds, and—apparently—similar facial structures, too. Similar traits might be attractive to us because we’re more familiar with them—and the more familiar something is to us, the more comfortable we are with it and the more we tend to like it. 

However, it could also potentially be a function of people with similar traits and characteristics being more likely to wind up in similar environments and, therefore, to start relationships with one another. For example, in the United States, immigrants historically settled into environments where neighbors shared similar racial and ethnic backgrounds. Segregated environments like this might contribute to people starting relationships with partners who share certain traits, given that people are most likely to end up in relationships with people they live and work near (a proximity effect). 

However, with the increasing popularity of online dating, we’ve actually seen a decrease in similarity among partners in terms of education level, religious background, race/ethnicity, and other characteristics because of the expanded dating pool. This would suggest that, as online dating becomes even more common, we might see even less physical and other similarity among partners in the future . 

Previous research suggested that romantic partners’ similar appearance grows the longer they’re together. For example, in one study, college undergraduates were asked to evaluate photographs of couples who were supposedly newlyweds or couples who had been together for 25 years of marriage [3]. What the researchers found was that participants rated the faces of older married couples as more similar than those of both newlyweds and randomly paired individuals. In other words, the facial pairs that looked the most alike came from actual couples who had been together a long time. 

The authors of that study argued that this may be due to empathy. If romantic partners frequently empathize with one other and “share” their emotional states, this could potentially increase physical similarity by contributing to similar wrinkle patterns developing around the mouths and eyes.

However, in a newer and larger study in which researchers attempted to replicate this finding, they found no evidence that partners’ faces appeared more similar the longer they’d been together [2]. 

In other words, it seems to be the case that couples often share physical similarity in the beginning of a relationship, but they don’t converge and become more similar over the course of their relationship. In fact, if anything, this study found evidence for the opposite pattern: partners’ faces actually seemed to become less similar with time. 

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook (facebook.com/psychologyofsex), Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit (reddit.com/r/psychologyofsex) to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.

[1] Penton-Voak, I. S., Perrett, D. I., & Peirce, J. W. (1999). Computer graphic studies of the role of facial similarity in judgements of attractiveness. Current Psychology: A Journal for Diverse Perspectives on Diverse Psychological Issues, 18, 104-117. doi:10.1007/s12144-999-1020-4

[2] Tea-mangkornpan, P. P., & Kosinski, M. Spouses’ faces are similar but do not become more similar with time. Scientific Reports.

[3] Zajonc, R. B., Adelmann, P. K., Murphy, S. T., & Niedenthal, P. M. (1987). Convergence in the physical appearance of spouses. Motivation and Emotion, 11, 335-346. doi:10.1007/BF00992848

Image Source: 123RF/Andor Bujdoso

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