robertabobertson

[robertabobertson]

Pregs & thoughts

Realized I haven’t journaled in a while. I think it’s important and yet I’ve very much dropped off.

I will attempt more. Especially for our BB.

Hanging with my love in our backyard. To be continued

[robertabobertson]

Things I’m proud of

Journaling right now 😊

Going to mix patches

Step 2 patch

My job - kinda

Therapy

Being less codependent

Taking my marriage as a priority

Going nomad

Setting nomad spots

Staying calmer

Getting goose in order

Getting our finances in order

My cooking

My friendships

[robertabobertson]

Back to it

In ATL, feeling like a child again. Angry, full of rage, no where to put it.

Going to go into tomorrow with optimism, be vocal about who I am and what I want and be myself

[robertabobertson]

Fuck it

Idk how I feel. Kind of numb.

I don’t want to fuck my life up but I suppose that’s what is required to.

Let me try writing a letter..

A-

I found your K. I know you need help. I think this is a cry for help. And I wish I could be the one to save you this time, but I can’t.

Find a therapist, and I’ll return to you my love. I just can’t do this right now and I need you to take me seriously. I can’t enable you anymore.

I need you to figure your shit out and tend to your own garden. When you’re ready, I’ll be back and am so willing to shower you with love again and hugs & kisses. You know my love knows no bounds. Which is why I need to temper it right now. Because you’re hurting me.

Love comes in many forms. Take care of yourself my darling,

Shauna

[robertabobertson]

Last night

We discussed attachment theory. I didn’t realize L was disorganized, mom is avoidant, and myself anxious. But it all makes perfect sense.

I guess I didn’t realize how my attachment (anxious/codependent) was due to my childhood. Apparently I received different cues of love from my caregivers. Probably my dad always being gone caused my mom to be both loving and disciplinary which was inconsistent and not reliable. Or maybe she was easily overwhelmed and I felt the need to care for her and others.

I’m not sure. I’d like to dive into that more.

More urgently, my lungs hurt. I’m scared. I’m stupid. I need help.

[robertabobertson]

Friday AM

feeling a little tired and def need a #2

But ultimately so happy I decided to get my own room because I’m up at 5 AM of course.

Going to read my book. Settle into my mindset.

Take propranolol and remember that this is for me. Not anyone else. And that I am worthy of this experience.

[robertabobertson]

Intentions for this weekend

Heading to Phx this weekend. My cortisol levels are extremely high for such a zen weekend. 

Here are my intentions: 

1. Do what I need to do for myself 

2. Journal

3. Be present 

4. Remove the weight of it all and just be 

Ideas: 

1. Journal during the day 

2. read the power of now 

3. focus on love and truth - what am i actually thinking? What are my authentic actions and mindset? Be that person. 

Release the monkey. Focus on the now. You’ve done some hard. ass. shit this past year. It’s literally been a year. Time to heal, self-love, and practice grace. 

[robertabobertson]

12.15

Had a great convo with Teresa last night about how we all have inner peace inside of us. That this whole run-around game isn’t worth it and we already have all of the answers. 

Worried about A’s mental state lately. He is so low. And easily triggered. Which triggers me. But I’m putting on a steadfast and strong mindset to help him. I really do think he’s worthy of a lot - he just doesn’t think that. I think he needs help too, it can’t always come from me. 

He’s not sleeping. He’s having anxiety / panic attacks. He’s so low he doesn’t want to meet with people again. His session with Chip wasn’t enough to help him. He’s not motivated. He’s scared of the future. He isn’t connecting with friends. 

I also feel a large weight - need to help him with resume, with interviews, with finding Denver, with organizing gifts, with cooking our meals, getting our groceries/supplies, taking care of Goose AND working AND taking care of myself. 

I think being so strong is starting to wear on me too though. How long can I go on until I crack? 

Not sure - but I need to take care of myself too. Breaks. Slowing down. Not trying to do everything all at once. 

I feel like this move to Denver is still stressing him out. It’s stressing me out too - not gonna lie. But it brings everything we’re struggling with to a head - A’s job search, our financial situation, the stress of my job. 

It’s a lot! 

But I know it doesn’t matter - all will work itself out. 

We did have a really nice weekend. A took a break from stressing out - we went to PCM, we laughed, we watched the Godfather, we cooked multiple meals together, walked Goose, met up with friends. 

We had a good weekend. It was beautiful, we connected, we talked, A felt optimism again. 

Then the week hits - and A feels the struggle of being human again. Which is legitimate - it sucks. There’s tons to struggle through. 

I think A. needs to find a therapist. 

I think I need to slow down and remember I am not in control. All this *stuff* is meaningless. Get us to Denver, be there for your lovies, and maintain stable serenity. 

Don’t get low on yourself! Don’t take up other’s problems. Do your work and stay focused my S-son. All is ok. 

[robertabobertson]

12.1

Spoke with a real estate agent yesterday which made Denver feel more real & very exciting! 

However, it does add more work (auditing the portal), plus our rent range is very high and A. doesn’t have a high paying job yet. Plus we owe $10K for the car plus we need to still buy Christmas presents plus we owe taxes for next year on capital gains for stock and A.’s remaining time at return key. 

PLUS we need to buy furniture and perform the move itself. 

I just need to keep that out of mind though. Money will come and it will go and we are going to be ok no matter what. We will stay limited with what we spend and focus on the future. 

We can’t move until A has a job though, that is certain. He has ~1 month to lock that in. 

It will be ok. 

It really will. T will give us another $15K next year, I have more stock coming in, might get another slight boost in my base (probably not much) and moving won’t cost much. 

Other things I’ve been thinking about 

- need to call my mama 

- need to call T mama

- need to get botox 

- want to get another haircut 

- want to listen to music more 

- want to listen to the news more 

- want to play ukelele

- want to learn italian 

- want to stop the V

- want to strength train again 

- want to take more DS courses 

- want to get promoted 

All of this and more. It’s all possible, I just need to relax and continue following my God voice. 

[robertabobertson]

In an effort to blog more

I’ve been sick for the last 5 days. But I feel it finally wearing off. 

I went to Seattle for work, then red eye to Miami, then a few days reprieve, then Nashville then 2 days reprieve, then Richmond, then straight to Dahlonega. All of this culminated in a horrible sickness that has gotten me for 5 days. It’s because I 100% burnt myself out by caring for others and going the extra mile as always. I would have been healthy if I had simply called it in Dahlonega and sent A & I home before going to the cabin. 

That being said, life is good. A mentioned he is depressed and keeps waking up not feeling like himself. He’s dissatisfied with life. And I get that, we need more money and a home we both love. Ultimately - we need to move to Denver and GTFO. 

I feel good about life at the moment. We finally have some peace and quite, which is amazing. But I know a lot is missing. I am in distraction mode since I am also not 100% happy. I need to focus on hobbies, moving, and career goals. 

I looked up our personality types again. I am INFJ (Advocate) and A is INTP (Logician). Makes perfect sense, I try to build people up and A looks at the world with curiosity. I love it! Makes sense why we work well together. 

[robertabobertson]

Processing

The consequences of your actions: 

1. Your actions broke my trust again 

2. You actions broke your vows to me

3. Your actions show me you are not serious about staying clean

There have been too many slip ups in the past few months. The ambien 2x and now this. You are not 100% sober, you are not clean, you are playing with fire. Your addict brain is trying to convince you that this is harmless and your intentions were good. It’s a gamble and you keep getting lucky. No one else is checking you, it’s just me. Which isn’t fair that I get the backlash. 

So, what are the consequences? 

1. Please call Chip or Tyler or any therapist tomorrow 

2. AA 1x a week minimum 

3. We will start couple’s counseling 

4. I am going to Seattle early because I want to distance myself. 

I want you to leave for tonight and go to Charlie’s. 

I’m hurt. Of course I am, it feels like all of the progress we made is destroyed again by lies. You’re not being honest with me, you’re hurting me and making me fearful of our future again. A casual kratom use is ok? No it’s not. And it won’t be ok in 6 months or in 10 years. You may think it’s harmless, and maybe the use itself (however long it was) is truly harmless to your body. But you lied. You used something that we both know gets you high. And you put our marriage and future at risk. Those are facts and I won’t let them go. 

What would have happened if I never found the pouch? And how do I know how many times you’ve used Kratom and how often you’ve been high in the last few months? You could’ve hidden it for forever, how would I know? 

Andrew, I love you. But you’re continuing to slip and lose control. And every time you do you are risking everything.

What was all of this fucking for?! WHY did we work on paying off your debt, throwing money at Talbotts, lying to friends and family, you quit your job, WE PUT EVERYTHING ON THE LINE FOR THIS. 

I am done “playing” at recovery. Get your act together or you’ll lose everything. 

[robertabobertson]

Relapse

He made it ~150 days. Then he chose his demons. 

I don’t know what to do. I am sad, confused, and scared. Overwhelmed with the same emotions again. 

It’s not fun, I’ll tell you that much. And I don’t know the whole story, all I know is what he’s telling me - how do I know that’s true? 

Lord, please give me the serenity to let go of the things I cannot control, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. We need peace. comfort. I don’t even know what. 

I can’t control A. I can only care for myself. 

What I do know, is I don’t want to be around this. 

I could go to Seattle early. I could go to RIC. 

I just need peace. What are my boundaries? 

I go somewhere. He goes somewhere. I will continue thinking about this. 

[robertabobertson]

Middle of the highway

I loved this metaphor. 

Stay even, stay in the middle, don’t freak out, don’t get too low, just exist and life will carry on as it should. 

[robertabobertson]

i feel...

happy. 

warm, cozy, loved, excited about life and possibilities. 

I love fall and winter, my friends and my family. 

I enjoy work, when it’s not too much. 

I love my magoo, and my people. 

I am thankful for everything God has given me. I’m blessed. 

[robertabobertson]

Married

I feel somewhat stressed at the moment. Like being a wife in this context is so much responsibility. To love someone, to care for them, to support my community. It’s a lot.

I think I just need to focus on A. And myself and Maggie and make our marriage beautiful. I want my dream vision to come true in Denver and with friends and visiting all of my beautiful people.

I feel a bit tired at the moment though. And I want to make sure a and I have our moment together.

Probably weekend blues is the best way to describe it.

I want to continue our strength in love and fam. Take care of myself in new ways. Listen to A. Invite him into my mind. Tell him my feelings.

Like why didn’t I cry when he had deathcon3 tears during our vows?

I think because he carries a lot of shame still. And making realizations I made a while ago.

I want to remove my judgement and be a house of love. Relaxation. And sweetness. That is all I can do.

[robertabobertson]

More thoughts

I don’t need to do everything I have set out to do today. The work can wait. The wedding can wait. 

Today, I will care for myself. 

1. Workout -> lift/elliptical/sauna

2. Clean the house

3. Sauna & breathe tonight 

4. go to alanon 

5. followup for my loves on the most imp tasks 

be S. Just be me, love myself, care for myself, let other’s care for themselves. 

I had a good weekend. I have had good days. I am eating right, moving properly, and following up. 

I can relax, knowing that I can’t do everything. 

A. & I went to AA/alanon, and it was awesome. I felt the feeling of fulfillment and peace before and after. Danica’s story was similar to mine, always trying to please other’s, always moving, always out-doing myself. Finding affirmation in men, seeking it out even in healthy relationships. Never stopping, always drowning. Robyn reached out to me, and so did Dorris. And I feel refreshed by it. Happy. Loved. It was so sweet. 

Life happens, but nothing is critical. I am here in this moment, the only time that matters. How can I bring myself joy and peace? 

Nothing else matters. 

Honesty

Openness 

Willingness

Our chat with Kaitlyn and Connor went well. I wanted to be open and we were. We were semi-bleeding hearts, or at least I was. But that’s how I want it to be. I am grateful for their love and sweetness. And Teresa’s gift to us. 

Calmness. Breathing. Doing what I need to for s. not others  

[robertabobertson]

What Happened

LA was awesome. Some intense moments from A. though... 

He got high on ambient during the airplane

He got high at night 

He spoke over me a lot 

A lot of yelling and emotional moments 

He talked over Kels & I 

His energy overpowered me 

I’m sick of ambient, I’m sick of weed, I’m sick of overdrinking A. He has moments where he doesn’t respect other people & their property or rules on airplanes. I am sick and tired of this person he becomes. I want the sweet & loving version of him.