robzsed-blog

[robzsed-blog]

part 6: black

I don’t know what I am I don’t know where I am, all I know is that I am alive?, I am a floating cloud, on what surely must be a endless journey. Yet there is a certain familiarity to this feeling, seems as if I have been like this my whole life, how long will this go on, surely at some point I must die, I wait for it. Till then I lay afloat, slowly loosing my mind, if I haven’t already. What is the point of me expressing this, its not as if anyone would even see it…………..

[robzsed-blog]

part 5: Man in the mirror

Each day that passes i get lost further and further into the darkness. minutes turn into hours, turn into days turn into months, turn into years. I have been on this journey for 10 years now and i can notice it, physically and mentally. I’m far away from earth and communication happens about once every year, with periods growing longer the further i go. Months will pass by and i don’t even say a word, i watched everything i have read everything, i even read all the labels in the ship a couple times. I don’t like the man in the mirror, most times i stare at myself and it feels like i’m not seeing anyone else there. Am i loosing my mind? did i already loose it and am i just noticing it now?. Time escapes me, only reason i know how long it’s been is the onboard clock. Every day feels like the last which will feel like the next. Everywhere i look it’s darkness. I see planets every now and then but they must see me as a shooting star or something. i miss people, and these coms are not helping. I suppose i did find my true self in this journey but it’s not the self that i like, my life feels like a waste. Why did i even agree to do this mission? at this point it’s to late to know, my ship knows what way to go and i don’t want to stop it. I don’t want to get back to earth like this, i’m unstable, suppose it’s good that space doesn’t carry sound waves, so no one could hear me screaming. 20 years later i’m reaching the black hole, i am a great distance away from it still (about the distance from pluto to the sun), and i can feel its immense gravitational pull. I can see it with the infrared in the lens, and red glow, super red, it must be extremely hot in the center. The closer i get the faster things begin to move. I have entered it’s gravity almost fully now. My reverse thrusters are almost at full this will be the last transmission i send back to earth, i will miss them. My ship starts to vibrate more and more the closer and closer i get, i feel like the front of the ship is getting longer, is that in my head?. No i can see my hands getting longer, everything is happening way too fast. Still i stare forward, waiting. I cannot see my arms anymore, i turn around and i can see my image, stuck behind me. How is such a thing possible?, did gravity just remove the soul from my body, how am i able to think but i can see the image of myself further and further back. I’m moving faster than the light hitting my body is, so what am i now, i look down i look right i look left, nothing. I must have truly lost my mind, this is impossible. Where am i going now? just a cloud floating weightless, towards the unknown.

[robzsed-blog]

part 4 :void

Darkness....darkness to the right, to the left, i'm surrounded by darkness. Most times it feels like i'm just stationary and everything else is just zooming by me. I have read all the books already and have seen all my favorite shows and aside from my monthly communication with headquarters i have just myself and my thoughts to bear. It's not that people can't live alone, or choose a life of solitude, because we can i'm living proof of it. It's the thoughts that drive us crazy, you see things that are as vivid as the table in front of you, but when you reach out and touch it, it's as if you are touching a ghost, you expect to feel but just waive your hand around with nothing in between. I'm drowning. All these years of solitude on earth made me feel as if i was ready for this journey? but what i didn't realize is that my mind was at ease because everywhere i went there was someone or something there, be it another person or a bird even a tree. All these silent moments, most days i sleep with the music on to remind me i'm not fully alone. The further i get from earth the longer the communication periods become. At this moment i can't comprehend why i'm doing this mission. Sheer curiosity? or something else. Some days i think the black hole is pulling me closer and closer to it even though i still have ways to go, i can feel it's void.

[robzsed-blog]

Part 3: New beginnings

Looking back at this blue planet with white skies, my thoughts began to wander to all those people down there to all the interactions I’ve had throughout my life, all my friends my loved ones my family. I missed it, haven’t even been in outer space for more than 10 minutes and already began to feel this loneliness, it was familiar to me because i felt it on earth too. Growing up i never felt like i belonged on earth like i was an alien living on this foreign planet, being secluded was nothing new to me, just a man and his thoughts. Constantly looking  for my meaning. Aren’t all of us though?. It is my theory that the more time alone one spends the more he or she understands who they are, what they are. One question always alluded me, where do we come from?, some say during the forming of our planet the meteorites and comets that constantly bombarded the earth were our vessel. Perhaps this is true, would certainly explain my feelings of alienation, not to say that i had no friends or that the friends i did have made me feel like i shouldn’t be there, but just a feeling of not being meant for this planet. Maybe its the explorer in me that is speaking in my thoughts, maybe this is the way i convince myself there is another planet of people out there. There has to be, its a impossibility for us to be the only ones that survived the big bang, but that does not beg the question of what if we are the only ones out here?. What if people like me are meant to leave the earth and find other planets, habitable ones and create an new race of humanoids. All these questions and more came to me as i watched earth becoming more and more distant in the window. My journey to the centre of the universe has begun with a familiarity, but will end with me seeing a true wonder of the universe., a black hole. The fabric of space and time stands still as you get closer and closer to it, it holds galaxies together, like people staying close to a fire in the middle of a night for warmth. But like the fire it has the capability to destroy aswell.   

day 40. 
I am beginning to venture out beyond our own solar system, i have gotten quite used to being alone as all these books and tv shoes and memorabilia i had brought on board keep my mind occupied. Most books i have read leave me with more questions than answers, but i like it that way because i can come up with my own theories and explore unchartered ground. Some say that black holes are a means by which to reach other dimensions, and there might be one in which someone is having the same thoughts as me, and i wonder if i were to ever run into someone like that, would i even need to utter a word?, or just simply think it?.Its crazy to think that someone out there no matter the distance is connected to me at such a level. Having the same thoughts as me. I should report back with all the unclose pictures i had taken of our planets before i become too distracted by my theories again, inferred shots close ups of our planetary marvels etc. By this time tomorrow i should have my first human contact, over the communication system.


[robzsed-blog]

black hole

part 1: space
Darkness…mixed in with sprinkles of white, each sprinkle has its own distinctive properties some are brighter than others but all fundamentally the same. Space. The easiest way to feel so irrelevant in the universe, is to merely look up and acknowledge the vast amounts of other stars, which in turn contain their own planets some of which may even harbour life itself. Since i was a child i was fascinated by space and would constantly find my mind wandering thoughts of one day exploring it, and uncovering its deepest secrets. Here i stand at the age of 27, about to finally realize my dreams of going into outer space. Testing was long and intensive but necessary, although it may have given me the notion of preparing me for the journey, i cannot help but wonder as to the sensations and emotions present when i will be out there looking at our planet from afar. 

 part 2: launch
 It has been 3 months since training began, that would prepare me for the journey ahead, and i feel as if i am ready to embark upon it. The mission set out by the space program is to explore the deepest parts of the galaxies, to venture out further than any human ever had, take observations and relay them back to headquarters. 

 May 2, 2025
 The day of the launch, although i went through all the training and rigorous testing that followed to ensure i was perfect to proceed, i felt scared. As i slowly suited up ensured my gear is functional and has no deformities, i began to think of the mission really focusing my mind on my purpose, how long have i been waiting for this day. As i walked down the corridor, stepped on the elevator and began my assent, thoughts of me as a young child, camping came to my mind. It was not the camping experience that i was thinking about, it was at night when i would venture off into the forrest, find a opening and stare up at the stars. They seemed different in the woods, there was less light pollution from the city, allowed for greater visibility of all the different shades and colours ranging anywhere from blue to green some reds as well. With a ding of the elevator, the reality of my situation came back to me, as the elevator doors opened there were several men there, some famous, but the fact that i was meeting people i once idolized didn’t really cross my mind too much, i was too focused on the mission. It was all blurry now that i think of it, i don’t remember if i shook everyones hand but i do remember smiling a lot, and everyone speaking quite highly of me. As i stepped into the cockpit of the ship and secured my helmet and strapped myself into the 3-point harness, i began to think of the interaction with all those men, and even thought it may just have been the last interaction with anyone i will ever have. This terrified me. As my mind began to wander about all the negative possibilities, a calm and soothing voice, came on the speaker and gently told me, “1 minute to launch”, i took refuge in this and began to think more positive, and re-focus on the mission. It was not going to be so bad after all, i will be getting monthly reports from earth, i have all my favourite shows recorded, all my music, books, just about everything on board to keep me occupied. As the onboard clock began to veer closer to the 10 second mark, mentally i was ready, and as the clock began to count down from 10 seconds, you could begin to hear all thrusters turn on and begin running, and then full thrust, broke through the first layer of the atmosphere, then the second and then the 3rd, pieces of the ship began to disengage everything was going to plan. Ahead of me the cloudy white skies turned darker and darker until they went fully black, i was in outer space.