rodricks-wh0re

[rodricks-wh0re]

Rant- TW: ed

There’s this girl at football. she’s clearly anorexic and has finally admitted it to her mum. she triggers me so much. she’s way skinnier than i ever was. is that bad? maybe i have a massive individuality complex or something but i thought i was meant to be the one people worried about, who looked ill. now i’m normal in comparison. that’s probably what caused me to go back downhill. but i couldn’t care less. i don’t want people to suffer what i do/did. maybe that’s it. i go extra lengths to make sure my friends and family eat, and maybe i just want to see this girl better.

[rodricks-wh0re]

Rant- TW: ed

i don’t know what to feel anymore. bit of background, i’m supposedly in recovery and with camhs once a week to try and “get better” and it worked for a while but now i’m slipping back. but tbh i’m not even mad about it, it’s fun hiding stuff again. yk how when you start, it’s fun secretly not eating and having something over other people? i went from about 47kg to 57kg, which i genuinely hate now, and it’s not helped by the fact my dietician is lowkey fat, so it feels like she’s trying to make me fat too. but yeah, i’ve started tipping my supplements and milk down the sink and not eating snacks, which makes me feel better i guess, but then i have massive cravings, like i’ll fully eat handfuls of peanuts and cereal and tons of peanut butter, and i’ll eat a box of grapes over 2 days easy. i’m scared i’m gonna binge. like really scared. just don’t wanna be fat (again). i miss my sick body, how my hips stuck out, how my thighs had a gap, how my stomach was flat. i’ve started drinking coffee again, black- except for a tiny bit of almond milk and tons of calorie free syrup. and top tip, if you blend coffee with ice it makes it less bitter. but the headaches are back. the fog. the blurred vision. kinda wanna pass out tho, sorry if that sounds like attention seeking, but it would show i’m still ill yk?

[rodricks-wh0re]

Rant- TW: ed

i don’t know what to feel anymore. bit of background, i’m supposedly in recovery and with camhs once a week to try and “get better” and it worked for a while but now i’m slipping back. but tbh i’m not even mad about it, it’s fun hiding stuff again. yk how when you start, it’s fun secretly not eating and having something over other people? i went from about 47kg to 57kg, which i genuinely hate now, and it’s not helped by the fact my dietician is lowkey fat, so it feels like she’s trying to make me fat too. but yeah, i’ve started tipping my supplements and milk down the sink and not eating snacks, which makes me feel better i guess, but then i have massive cravings, like i’ll fully eat handfuls of peanuts and cereal and tons of peanut butter, and i’ll eat a box of grapes over 2 days easy. i’m scared i’m gonna binge. like really scared. just don’t wanna be fat (again). i miss my sick body, how my hips stuck out, how my thighs had a gap, how my stomach was flat. i’ve started drinking coffee again, black- except for a tiny bit of almond milk and tons of calorie free syrup. and top tip, if you blend coffee with ice it makes it less bitter. but the headaches are back. the fog. the blurred vision. kinda wanna pass out tho, sorry if that sounds like attention seeking, but it would show i’m still ill yk?