rohawkins - Tumblr blog

[rohawkins]

"No. You can't start spiraling like that. It isn't helpful, and it just makes things that much worse. The fact is, you'll likely never hear about this ever again, because the connection might be there, even Elisa didn't actually see that you fit into that puzzle. There's no point in working yourself up over hypothetical situations, Lee. So don't start that shit now." Was she being helpful? Ro couldn't know, but she was squeezing his arm so tight, it was a good thing he wasn't an ordinary human.

Ro huffed, staring at the ceiling. "Don't let them win. Don't let this one thing ruin all of the good progress you've made with the rest of your life."

Lee knew that. Of course he did. But it was easy enough to know something -- harder still to believe it. Seeing Elisa today, the more rational part of his mind that knew that was being ignored. "Y'know, I can go months without thinking of them. And it's like -- what they did to me, reckon it's the best thing that happened to me in a way. Because then I wouldn't be here. But it's still --" he couldn't find the words, but he knew at least, with Ro, he wouldn't need to. Lee let out a sigh. He could use a drink.

"Makes me wonder what else is out there, making shit like this, digging into my childhood like I'm some conspiracy theory. And if some people on the internet," Unspoken was, Elisa, "If they can figure shit out, what's to stop them figuring it out." It was a fear that lay mostly dormant, but right now it seemed it was rearing its ugly head, brought to the service when he heard those two names through his headphones. Even the bravest had nightmares of their own.

[rohawkins]

"We don't usually get a choice when it comes to the timing of things, life is pretty cruel with shit like that pretty consistently." She felt for him, and the impossibility of the situation. Trauma like that wasn't something people openly parted with unless they absolutely had to, and already this situation was more fraught than it should have been. "If anyone can handle this, it'll be Elisa. Even if you don't want to do it, at least you know you'll be talking to someone like her. Someone who can take in things like this and process it all. Someone you can trust."

That's what mattered most in the end, wasn't it? The people you felt safe with, that you could rip off band-aids, and know that they could still be there to put pressure on the wound.

“I’ll go in the morning. She pretty much told me to fuck off for the rest of the day.” Which was valid, he was sure. He signed, pinching at the bridge of his nose.

“It’s just — obviously I trust her, but I didn’t want to have to tell her. At least not right now, or like that.” Lee had a lot of people in his life who were important to him. He’d had girlfriends, other friends he’d had since he was young. And yet the most any of them knew was that he’d been adopted by a nice old couple of werewolves. Of course came the giant scar on his back, easily explained away. It just wasn’t something he ever wanted to talk about, to bring up if he could avoid it. And avoid it was something he did spectacularly well.

[rohawkins]

Ro listened, which was hard enough, because she wasn't the most adept listener in general. Her own thoughts usually won out, and her own opinions drowning the noise of those around her. It was the stubbornness gifted to her by her mother. But she didn't budge, still splayed out on Lee, as though she herself had become some sort of shield against it all. An extra layer against the elements, and the open wound.

"You went into survival mode, which makes sense. It doesn't make it right, but you panicked. Elisa can understand that. She's nice like that. Always willing to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I know she'll get what happened. Regardless if you made her cry or not, there's more to all of this than just hurt feelings." These were deep gashes in Lee's heart, and no one deserved to feel the way that he did.

She squeezed harder before finally letting go, leaning more heavily onto the back of the couch. "You should go to her. The longer you let this sit the worse you're going to feel, and that isn't right for anyone."

"Ooft," the air was pushed out of him as Ro dropped down onto him, but it was welcome, the weight and touch of his best friend grounding him when he so often lived in the clouds. His arm went around her, eyes fixing on the ceiling above.

"I know. I feel like fucking shit. She cried." He couldn't stop thinking about the expression on her face before she'd left. Ro was right. It hurt more, because it'd been Elisa. If any of the other hundreds of true crime podcasts out there had done the story, he would've just felt annoyed. Or really, he wouldn't have even known, because Elisa's was the only podcast he listened to. "I know she didn't mean it. Mean, she doesn't -- didn't know. She just thought there was something else out there to look into. Some poor kid that needed justice."

He sighed. "But she was going on about theories, the reddit threads she'd found," Lee had never looked into all that, never once googled his birth parents names. "And I just -- the thought of her digging, and finding out. I know if she found out she wouldn't have gone and made an episode on it, but if the informations out there --" The thought of his birth father finding out he was still alive and living his life on the island? He didn't even want to consider that.

"I said some real fucked up shit. Wasn't really thinking, other than that it might stop her looking. Instead it just upset her."

[rohawkins]

Her mouth snapped shut, teeth rattling together, her tongue suddenly feeling much too large. They didn't talk about Lee's birth parents, and for good reason. Something like that wasn't the sort of thing that came up in normal conversation, especially when his actual parents were so great. But it did make more sense. Elisa, beautiful Elisa and her urging for curiosity, her desire to do good and draw attention to stories that most people forgot about.

And Lee? His bone deep wounds that weren't exposed to the surface anymore, hidden so far away that it was unfair of him to place any blame on Elisa for doing what she had done. That didn't mean it didn't still hurt.

Ro began unwrapping her hands, feeling a chill with sweat coating her body from her previous exercise. "Two things can be true at once," She finally said, breaking the long suffering silence with smash of her words. "You're allowed to feel hurt over having your life exposed like that, and it's still never okay to take out your anger on someone who you know has only ever been kind to you." They were lessons Ro had learned the hard way.

Her feet carried her toward her friend, dropping on top of him in a large, unceremonious hug. "I'm sorry. That's not the kind of information you want out in the world without being prepared for it, especially when it's your own friend's voice saying it out loud."

"Accurate was Ro's assumption that it'd been his fault, he stared at hands that were still fiddling with his phone. "We were at the beach, and she'd -- her last podcast episode mentioned my parents. Not -- not mum and dad, but -- anyway. She kept going on about this kid that they had, that had just disappeared, how weird it was, and I kind of just -- freaked and flipped out on her." Even thinking about them now, whilst he felt bad and would always wish he'd handled it better, set him on edge.

[rohawkins]

"Are you fucking with me?" Ro dropped her arms, staring at him in complete disbelief. Elisa? In a fight with Lee? She knew Elisa could hold her own, but the picture of both of them at all yelling at one another made no sense in her head. Like it was more fantastical than the fact that both her and Lee could turn into wolves. Or that Elisa could breathe underwater without any help necessary.

She turned to face him fully, her eyes narrowing. "Considering what I know of Elisa, and what I know about you—what the fuck did you do, Lee?" Ro never knew Lee to be cruel, but he could be careless, and sometimes that was just as bad.

"That's only happened twice." Or maybe it was three times. Enough that it shouldn't happen, but well, he couldn't be blamed for that could he? He fiddled with his phone in his hand, spinning it in circles. "But no. I --" he couldn't look at Ro as he admitted, "I had a fight with Elisa."

[rohawkins]

Ro blinked at him, stopping, fist in mid-air, as it aimed precisely at the punching bag in front of her. "You're going to have to be more specific, because right now you're just being vague as hell. Is this a fucked up as in you ordered the wrong thing to eat, and you're now going to be grumpy about it, or, you once again scheduled two dates on the same day and both women found out?" The spectrum was vast and varying, and Ro had no intention of playing guessing games here.

When: 10th June 2024 Where: Ro's place Who: @rohawkins

Lee had, pretty much, made his way straight to Ro's place after he left the beach, flopping down on her couch with the dramatics of a woeful regency era woman. "I fucked up." That was putting it lightly, he thought, given he'd left Elisa crying, and himself feeling like an absolute dick about it. He knew Ro would give him tough love, and not sympathies, unlike if he'd gone to his parents about it. But it was what he needed.

[rohawkins]

"Her body was basically shipped off the island," Ro stated, grimacing as she said it. "They didn't want any trace of her left here, especially since the story was that she burned to death."

Her whole body might have shuddered, too, but it was quickly replaced with a level of anger that had been simmering from the moment she was born. Some people simply had fire in their veins. "She hitched a ride on a boat to come home. I really have no idea how she managed it." 'It' being survival. Vampires really were hard to fucking kill.

Elisa couldn’t help but smile at that, at the confidence that Ro had in her. She prided herself on having any kind of knowledge that Ro might find useful. She always found her friend might have been far too cool to bother with her, even knowing Ro had asked for help with all this initially. But still, Elisa could have her moments of doubt. 

“Where has she been all this time? Has she been hiding?” she asked suddenly.

[rohawkins]

"Trust me, you're pretty much the first person I have in mind when it comes to any of this stuff. And plenty of other things, too, but when it comes to the business of murder and missing person's, and now found person's, pretty sure you're the expert." And she needed people she could trust, especially on Liv's behalf. There was no point in trying to go through all of this alone. Life had proven time and time again that it required much more than lonely people refusing to open their hearts up to the world. They all deserved some kind of belonging.

Ro nodded her head absentmindedly. "You can meet her soon, I think she just needs to get comfortable, you know, being fully alive for a little while. You'll like her. I know I'm biased and everything, but she's basically the best person who has ever lived."

Elisa nodded. Her head tilted to show her sympathy for the idea that someone had to hide like that. She couldn’t even imagine what that might be like and Elisa was sure she didn’t have any kind of ties that might lead her down that path. It also took all of her strength to not follow up with the obvious question of asking who had tried to kill her. It felt insensitive. 

She silently raised a hand and drew it across her lips to show that Ro had her silence and, by extension, her trust on the matter. “I would never,” she said it out loud. “Although, if you do need me to help in any way, you know you can ask.” She wasn’t sure what she could do, but she still wanted to extend the offer just in case.

[rohawkins]

"She's scared. She's been laying low ever since I've found her. Mostly in my apartment. Because—yeah, yeah she knows. But there's nothing that we can do right now, and she's still recovering. She's definitely looked better, that's for sure." And they were paranoid now, that was another thing. The more people who knew about the situation, the more dangerous and fraught the situation became. Fighting against powerful families in a city and island like this wasn't for the faint of heart.

Ro stared at Elisa. "I'm trust you with this because I know you won't let me down. I know you want fuck me over. But you also need to know that I don't play when it comes to Liv. I know you know this already, but I feel like I should repeat it again. I'd do anything for her."

Elisa nodded slowly. She would have to trust Ro’s judgment. She didn’t know Liv, other than what she’d read from newspapers and other articles and whatever Ro had told her, of course. However, it wasn’t the same as truly knowing someone.

“So, she’s alive, right?” said Elisa. “Is she at all worried that whoever tried to kill her–” because as far as she could tell it was murder– well, attempted murder, anyway, “–might find out she’s still alive and then come back to finish the job?” In Elisa’s experience and reading about true crime, people usually didn’t like when people they thought that were dead suddenly weren’t, especially gangs. “Wait, does she know who–?” Her eyes went wide.

[rohawkins]

Her heart thumped wildly, with the kind of vigor usually saved for fighting or fucking. This was love, too. This was the first real love she had ever known, the kind that stopped everything around her. Froze things in time. Even now, staring at Liv, she could never quite tell for certain when it was that she knew they were more than just simple passing acquaintances. That this ran deep and true, beneath the layers of scar tissue and hurt. They were meant to be together. Hand in hand against the world, biting and thrashing in their own unique ways. Liv had always been slicker, lighter on her feet. A kind of elegance that good genes and being a vampire could afford her.

Ro? Ro was brashness and knuckles. She was the burnt food you choked down, and the blinding sunlight in your eyes leaving no room for surrender. They were two halves of a whole, and Ro couldn't quite understand the enormity of what had been lost until Liv was there in front of her. Until everything felt easier, and her love was settled.

"Oh, fuck off. You know how badly I always wanted one. Just wait until you see the scars." Because Liv was right, but Ro didn't care. She had learned that the best things in life were worth a few scars. That she'd do everything all over again to end up in this moment in time. She wouldn't have met Alexander or Elisa if it weren't for this mess, and now she had Liv back, too. No, Ro didn't believe in fate, but she did believe in getting what she wanted.

Ro dragged Liv, without permission, and without further preamble, in the direction of her parked bike. "Don't start with me. I really can't believe it myself, but the idiot is in love with me apparently, and I'm the even bigger idiot because I love him back. Who would've thought me capable?"

Just a few short words but they held so much information. Ro had lived so much life now without her. Apartments she had never left fingerprints in, boyfriends she had never met... and it broke her heart. Broke it in the way the doctor breaks your arm again when you took too long to get there and it didn't set right. Broke it so when it healed again it healed better.

Olivia smiled through the pain of all that absence and meant it. They had been on each others minds, she knew that much, so hadn't a version of her been there, really? The way Ro had been with Liv every time she'd needed to borrow strength on the long, perilous journey back. "Oooh," she made a sound like an angry hamster, balled her fists, and then dove straight back in for another hug, danger and timelines forgotten. "You're really you." She pulled back and looked her all over and was so relived.

Liv flopped a hood over her hair and slipped on a pair of sunglasses from the hoodie pocket. It was obvious and weak, but it was what she had. In a way, Liv had to wonder if she wasn't asking to be caught. Perhaps she wanted a fight she was too scared to ask for outright. This wasn't the way though.

"Those bikes are a death trap, Ro," Liv found herself saying on to way to ride it. Her voice dropped to a whisper with the disguise in place. Equally as mystifying, which is to say not at all. "One wrong turn and they're grafting skin from your butt cheeks onto your forehead. " Of course, Liv had already lost this argument so many times it was not an argument anymore but a greeting. Hello. So much has happened. Nothing has changed.

Voice still a hissed whisper that was anything but covert, "And did you just say the B-word!?"

[rohawkins]

"She was left for dead. Assumed dead. But she lived and—" Ro looked around, still quite obviously shocked with the realization. Her own mind whirling, the axis of her life shifting rapidly from the foundation that she assumed existed beneath her feet. "I have to believe what she tells me, because I really can't even begin to imagine what it might mean if she was somehow in cahoots with it all. That wouldn't be her. She wouldn't do that to me."

Not when she had crawled back to her from the literal grave. Not when Liv being back changed everything, and also nothing. The world had continued spinning even in her absence, and now, Ro realized, they would both have to rectify who they were then with the people they became now. It was a horrifying prospect, even without the knowledge that Liv had been the victim of an attempted murder. And they were still there. Hands clean.

Elisa was still trying to process the initial information. She blinked as she tried to figure out what to even say. It was rare that Elisa was rendered as speechless as she was right now.

“How?” she asked. “I mean, even with everything that happens here, death is usually a pretty permanent state of being. I mean, did she fake her death? Was she resurrected? Was she never actually dead but left for dead? Was it some other elaborate plot?” Of course, the key word here was that death was usually permanent. It had been known to happen that those who were thought dead were, in fact, very much alive. Still, it wasn’t exactly common.

[rohawkins]

"That's because you embody embarrassment. You can't be embarrassed if that's just who you are at your core. A complete and utter weirdo." At one point in her life, Ro had hated how easily she slipped into Lee's family. Like this was maybe where she had belonged all along, instead of with a mother who was rarely around, and a father that was more myth than man.

She rolled her eyes at Larry. "Please, we both know I'm a dry kind of girl. Sweet has never suited me very much. I'm pretty sure no one has ever even used that word to describe me, either."

"Impossible. I've never been embarrassed in my life." He winked at Ro as he went over to help out his mum with the turkey.

Meanwhile Larry, a bottle of wine in each hand, turned to Ro once she’d gotten the glasses. He took wine seriously - an art that was lost on his son - and so it was with excitement he delved in. “Now,” after he finished after rambling about the two different wines, basically one a dry white the other a sweet red. “Which would you like?”

[rohawkins]

@alexanderives

[rohawkins]

"Oh, trust me, I thought the same thing. But it was kind of hard to discount, given the fact that she just appeared suddenly in front of me. And I know, I know, people could obviously try impersonation. This was her. I don't have a single doubt in my mind. I still just—I can't fucking believe it Elisa. I mean, I can. But fuck me." She was pleased with Elisa's reaction, if only because it mirrored how she had felt in the moment. Overwhelmed with joy, yes, but there was a certain level of shock that couldn't be contained, either.

She ran a hand through her hair. "I'm still a little fucked up about it all. Needless to say, this isn't something that can be made public knowledge. Given all of the shit that we know."

Elisa froze. Her glass had been at her lips before she pulled it back. It was probably better that she hadn’t taken a drink just yet as Ro delivered that information, as she was sure the wine might have immediately been spat back out.

Even at that, Elisa’s face contorted into about five different emotions. Ro, being a werewolf, might have even been able to hear the way the cogs in her brain had suddenly screeched as if a stone had been placed there and all of a sudden the mechanical whirring was now struggling to keep moving.

It had to have been well over a minute before Elisa finally offered a proper reaction, “What the fuck?”

[rohawkins]

"Fuck off, I'm not killing a whale. They're too cute, even if they are potential murderers."

But that was a lie, too, because Ro didn't have any real moral compass when it came to the people she loved. Anyone who did was someone she couldn't bring herself to trust. The world was what a person made it, and Ro would do quite literally anything to reshape it in her own making. That included one less whale if they enacted some weird whale murder.

the end

"It's gonna take a lot more than a whale to kill me, Ro." But he'd softened a bit. Lee had survived worse, and Ro knew it. Despite how reckless he was, he was grateful for life every day. For being alive, for having the life he lived day after day. The people he called family. And he’d hate his own recklessness to cause them pain. He looped a finger in the one of hers that wagged in his face - it was as much of a promise as one could make. That he wasn't going anywhere unless he was dragged kicking and screaming. "And if one does, you can go out in the ocean and avenge me. Deal?"

[rohawkins]

"I'll believe it when I see it, Packett. Remember, I've seen you for every single embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you. That means I need more convincing than anyone else." Ro looked at Nancy and nodded, knowing this house like the back of her own hand. The familiarity at one point had terrified her. Sure that one day they'd move on without her, that suddenly the door might be locked and she'd be left stuck out in the cold.

"Fine, fine, we can be a team next time some Germans take over a tower," he consoled, patting her on the shoulder. "I could still definitely be McLane. And Bond."

"Of course you could, dear." Did she believe it? Not sure, but Nancy would build Lee up at every chance. The only son of two elderly parents, spoilt, their miracle really. Yet also, that confidence, raising him with so much warmth and love after such a terrible start to life. Every good part of Lee was thanks to Nancy and Larry Packett. "Now come help me with the turkey. Ro, dear, could you get the wine glasses?"

[rohawkins]

"I found something new, yeah." It was the understatement of the decade. Century. Ro didn't actually know something larger than century, but whatever it was, she was pretty sure this beat that, too. Even in a world where mystical creatures roamed unbidden, people didn't usually just appear from the dead. Especially not after years had gone by without a word.

She cleared her throat for what felt like the fiftieth time, trying to conjure some strength, despite how truly happy she was about this particular revelation. Ro couldn't help herself. Sometimes the happiest moments were the ones that made her feel the most nervous. Like behind it all was also the world's biggest show about to drop straight on top of her fucking head.

"Liv is alive."

Elisa nodded. “Yes,” she said. She frowned. “I’m sorry that I haven’t actually found much information on it, by the way,” she added. “I will say, there are some crazy theories online, but people online always have crazy theories.” She waved her hand away. It was always easy to get lost in the batshit insane things people were saying.

“Did you find something new?” she asked. Though, as she asked, she kept going. “You know, there was a particular post I found while I was on reddit. It was in a thread of people making confessions of things they’ve done, and there was this one of someone who admitted to killing someone. Anyway, they described it and people immediately jumped on it with all these different cases that it could be. See, even though there wasn’t much information given, because obviously the person isn’t trying to get caught, but there is just enough to parse through to match up with some old, unsolved murders. There was a very good argument that it was Liv’s murder they were talking about. I mean, I’m not sure I’m convinced because it’s hard when a lot of what we’re assuming is, well, assumptions. But it was very damning.” 

“Anyway, I’m rambling, again, what about it all?”