rolfantlers

[rolfantlers]

George Washington slept here. #sheratondallas #election2016

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One of my favorite things about @ingela826 are reminders like this.

[rolfantlers]

And by the way, no smoking Leprechauns.

[rolfantlers]

2016 Kentucky Derby

This post was originally sent out as an email to a few friends and acquaintances. If you are a careful reader and have enough ambition to do a search for “2016 Kentucky Derby Winner” you might notice my favorite horse did not win. Consider it lucky that I don’t have your email address. 

Hello,

If you’ve followed my Kentucky Derby prognostications over the years, you know my winning picks are approximately zero. You might think that this track record would bother me, but it doesn’t. Mainly, because I understand these losing bets are the horse’s fault—not mine. Now while I’ve moved beyond my losses, you might still be wary of my handicapping. To this I say, nonsense—I know way more about horse gambling than you do. And if you don’t believe me, allow me to conduct a little thought experiment. Imagine the big race on Saturday. Sunshine. Big hats. Mint Juleps. People singing “My Old Kentucky Home.” Once this is firmly in your head, visualize who you think the winner will be. Now write that winner down on a piece of paper. Close your eyes, count to ten, then open your eyes and look at that paper. What did you write down? My guess is that it either says: “Zebra” or “Bulldog.” These answers are both wrong. A zebra has never won the Kentucky Derbyand the bulldog you had in mind is blindly walking around a parking lot with a box on its head. What more, I can say with confidence that the Kentucky Derbywinner will probably be a horse—just like last year, the year before, and probably the year before that. So now that we’ve established my horse gambling expertise, let’s concentrate on which bets will make you the most money. Also! Don’t stop reading when you get to the winner, because there is a bonus at the end. Worst Horse Brody’s Cause (12-1) This horse doesn’t hold a candle to any of the other horses. Several qualitative factors influence this, but the main reason is physical. Specifically, this horse’s hooves literally do not allow him to grasp a candle. Do not bet. Show Outwork (15-1) Outwork is a fine horse and jockey John Velasquez is impressive in his own right. Off the race track, Velasquez is an accomplished inventor. Right now he has a patent pending for an amazing pen that only draws pornographic pictures. If you haven’t seen the pen in action already, look for a video online. NSFW. Place Nyquist (3-1) Nyquist likes to brag that he “doesn’t even own a television.” At first, this makes him seem a little pompous, but then somebody brings up Shark Tank and Nyquist can’t shut up about the show. So OK, Nyquist is haughty and a liar and probably not even Swedish, but he is also very fast. This horse has a good chance to win the race. Win Gun Runner (10-1) Horses have dreams—just like you and me. Some want to get married and have children. Others just want to see Paris before they die. Most horses basically only think about pooping and hay. But when Gun Runner dreams he has you in mind, because all Gun Runner dreams about is making you rich. I think that deserves a bet doesn’t it? Expect him to narrowly edge out Nyquist for the Derby win. And Finally… If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to be an actual race horse, I can help. Send me an email or text and I will get you started with your very own race horse name. The name will be bold, unique, and possibly contain a pun. Who knows? This nickname might be your first step towards running in the Kentucky Derby next year.

[rolfantlers]

The People vs OJ Simpson Actor Rank: Episode 1

1. Marcia Clark

2. John Travolta

3. Johnnie Cochrane

4. The White Bronco

5. Cuba Gooding Jr as “The Juice”

6. Marcia Clark’s Cigarettes

7. Other African American Lawyer

8. Selma Blair

9. The Main Cop

10. The Other Cops

11. Kimmy’s Room

12. Kato Kaelin

13. Ross from Friends

[rolfantlers]

#Datingadvice

[rolfantlers]

2015 Kentucky Derby

Hopefully, you’re among the many million pretty ladies and sharp men who get to spend the afternoon watching the big race. And if you’re going to watch the race, you might as well bet on it too. What follows are the best ways to make sure your good dollars aren’t squandered[1].

 WORST BET

Itsaknockout (30-1) is not a fast horse. He might not even really be a horse. It wouldn’t be shocking to find out this entry is a dozen monkeys in a horse costume. How those monkeys convinced a professional jockey to sit on their shoulders is a mystery, but considering they were able to gather up enough money for the entry fee, it shouldn’t be surprising that they could find a rider.  

 SHOW

This horse is an uncommon sort of thoroughbred. From a distance he seems normal, but once you get closer, you realize Upstart is different. Or perhaps a better way to rephrase that sentence is to write: Upstart is straight up weird. Look no further than his odd Twitter musings: “A diamond is two triangles hugging”; “Imagine imaginary tacos” is another. There are too many others worth mentioning. Nevertheless, this peculiar horse can run. UPSTART (13-1)

 PLACE

As far as horses go, Carpe Diem comes off rather pompous and long-winded. Take this comment from the two hour press conference he held, “You know, most horses can’t talk. Even fewer know Latin. I know both. In fact, did you know Carpe Diem means ‘Seize the day’ in Latin? Well I intend to live up to my name in the eleventh race.” Ok Carpe. Good luck. And by the way, we’ve all seen Dead Poets Society. CARPE DIEM (8-1)

 WIN

If astronomers trained their space telescopes to the top of the stretch at Churchill Downs, they would see something that looks like a meteor breaking apart. If they zoomed in their space telescope, the most perceptive of these astronomers would probably remark, “Gee, that meteor looks like a bunch of horses.” And then perhaps, “It looks like the horse at the front of the meteor is breaking away.”

 That horse is MATERIALITY (13-1), my bet to win Kentucky Derby 141.

  [1] The excitement the big race generates can be too much to bear for some. If you believe you’d fall into this category, the best palliative is a vigorous quantity of bourbon. Drink enough so that the only place it makes sense for you to sleep tonight is in a distillery warehouse.

[rolfantlers]

Am hoping Google will do this with a montage at the end of the year.

[rolfantlers]

2014 Kentucky Derby

This year I’m going to skip the preamble and go straight to my picks. One item of note however: I’ll be attending the sheep shearing festival at Blue Hill Stone Barns in the early afternoon. If the gambling gods are feeling benevolent, I expect to see some kind of event featuring a monkey riding a sheep. In accordance with the familiar proverb, “Aye the bare sheep is tamed by the monkey, all wagerer shall be wagering,” I plan to double my bets. Follow @rolfantlers for all updates related to this omen. 

Worst Bet

Some might call Harry’s Holiday (50-1) the Tiger Woods of Derby contenders. He was dominant early in his career, but has struggled more recently. Also, when this horse was married to Elin Nordgren, he slept with about a dozen different women.

Show

Samraat (15-1) wanted to remember his trip to the Kentucky Derby so he’s been “lifecasting” the experience. So far all this has amounted to is Samraat’s hoof smashing three iPhone’s while trying to take selfies.

Place

You might have seen Chitu (20-1) on a recent episode of House Hunters. If you’re saying to yourself, “I don’t remember an episode of House Hunters where a horse was looking for a starter home,” think harder. Don’t you remember that episode where a horse was the realtor? That’s right - Chitu was that realtor. (Fun Trivia: Chitu’s sire AP Indy appeared in Seabiscuit as “Seabiscuit’s Uncle.”)

Win

Handicapper’s don’t like Vicar’s in Trouble (30-1) despite winning two of his last three races.  Some argue that Vicar’s won his races against weak fields, while others don’t think he can go the distance. Most agree that Vicar’s looks pretty foolish when he races because his horse tongue hangs out the side of his horse mouth. Look past all of that. Vicar’s in Trouble is a fine horse and the best bet to win the Kentucky Derby.

Summary

Win: Vicar’s in Trouble

Place: Chitu

Show: Samraat

Prior Year Results

2013 Prediction/(Actual Finish)

Win: Normandy Invasion (4)

Place: Vyjack (18)

Show: Revolutionary (3)

Worst Bet: Frac Daddy (16)

2012 Prediction/(Actual Finish)

Win: Bodemeister (2)

Place: Creative Cause (5)

Show: Alpha (12)

Worst Bet: Daddy Long Legs (20)

[rolfantlers]

Cold Whispers

The air conditioning had lowered the temperature from normal to uncomfortable.

  “It’s so cold,” Julia whispered from across the room, tucking her hands under her arms for warmth. “Please, please could you turn the air off?” she begged.

  Jake looked over at Julia, sitting scrunched up and frozen on the sofa.

  Who could refuse such a plaintive request? Her cold pleas whispered because she’s too frigid to speak. Who could reject such charm, such devotion?  Darling Julia who had let him pick the movie. Who could ignore this cold whisper? Who can say no?

  For a moment, the only sound in the room was the air conditioner’s whirr.  

  “Jake can say no – that’s who,” thought Jake, and then, “Too bad Julia has such a dick for a boyfriend.”

  Julia kept shivering. 

[rolfantlers]

If I Were a Squirrel

Some afternoons, when all the other guys on the crew have gone back to work, I like to lie around and think about what type of animal I’d like to be. There are lots of great animals out there, but hands down, the animal I always come back to is the squirrel. That’s what I’d be - squirrel. A squirrel with a cute scrunchy nose and a big fluffy tail; dancing up amongst the highest heights to deposit another acorn in my stash. Oh what a life – so simple, carefree, une vie insouciante – or in a word perfect.

  Then again, I could be one of those squirrels with rabies. I’ve heard a lot of squirrels pick that up somewhere along the way. 

[rolfantlers]

2013 Kentucky Derby

Gambling on horses is the least boring way to spend tomorrow afternoon. With that said, picking the right horse to bet on can be confusing.

  There are 21 entries in this year’s Kentucky Derby field. Random selection alone means the safest bet is that your bet will probably be wrong. And what if you don’t select randomly? The hordes of useless data in the racing forms only obfuscate the true ability of the animals. So how is a gambler expected to make sense of the Big Race?

  The only answer is drink as much bourbon as you possibly can. Winning horses do not reveal themselves to the timid or the sober. With this in mind, the prospective horse gambler has two options: 1.) Put on your best clothes tomorrow and get drunk like a gentleman, or 2.) Bet my picks because I’ve drank enough bourbon to make sense of the race for you.

  Now then, the most honest section of the horse gamblers cortex begs for less analysis and more luck. With deference to this desire, I will reduce the details of my handicap to a simple fact about each horse.

  Worst Bet

Frac Daddy (50-1)

Not only is this horse slow, but it’s stupid too. The best evidence of this stupidity is the remark he made after a recent trip to Amsterdam that “I think Anne Frank would have made a great jockey.”

  Show

Revolutionary (10-1)

The most radical leap in Revolutionary’s development as racehorse came when his trainer Todd Pletcher tweaked his running style. The results were immediate. After Pletcher convinced Revolutionary to stop running races upright on his hind legs, the horse started finishing in the money. Note: This is a good rule to remember for any race. Nothing that runs upright has ever beaten a horse. Not an ostrich. Not Shaquille O’Neal.

  Place

Vyjack (15-1)

Vyjack has appeared in a sex tape. Everybody knows this. If you’ve watched the tape though, one thing you might understand that everybody doesn’t is that you can now fairly describe yourself as a total pervert.   

  Win

Normandy Invasion (12-1)

The one comment horse people keep making about Normandy Invasion is that he “Is pretty chill for a horse.” I couldn’t agree more. It’s with this sangfroid that I expect Normandy Invasion to win the Kentucky Derby. 

[rolfantlers]

Excerpt from Neil Armstrong’s Will

Space Pioneer Neil Armstrong died on August 25th, 2012. The following passage is an excerpt from Mr. Armstrong’s last will and testament:  

“...and finally, let’s deal with the matter of the Moon. When I planted the American flag on the Moon during the Apollo 11 mission, a lot of people assume I said, “Now America owns the Moon!” This assumption is a huge misconception and simply not true.

What I actually said was, “Now Neil Armstrong owns the Moon!” When I planted that flag, I claimed ownership for myself. That is the holy truth: Neil Armstrong owns the Moon. And if I could have made it to the stars, Neil Armstrong would own those too.

Now that my Moon ownership has been established, it must be said that I bequeath ownership of the Moon to my cat, Whisker Kitten, and definitely not to any of my grandchildren.”

[rolfantlers]

Q&A: How do Santa's reindeer fly?

Santa Claus likes to joke that, “a good reindeer flies at the shadow of a whip,” but this answer is just Santa’s clever way of evading the question.

The truth is that a standard reindeer, also known as caribou, cannot fly. This is a problem for Santa Claus since he only uses standard reindeer. As such, to get his reindeer to fly, Santa needs to give them a little something extra. This something extra comes in the form of “elf magic.”

There are many ways dispense elf magic to a reindeer, but the quickest and easiest way to give reindeer elf magic is to feed them ground elf meat. Elf meat has high magic content and is readily available to Santa Claus. In addition to high magic content, elf meat has the benefit of being gluten free.

Reindeer prefer gluten free food because just recently, they found out they have a gluten allergy. Incidentally, this allergy is something the reindeer never realized they had, even though now that they know they're allergic, it makes total sense. 

[rolfantlers]

Thanksgiving No. 2

Non-Traditional Turkey Stuffing Ideas

Refried Beans

Balloons Filled With Heroin

Helium

Obama’s Birth Certificate

Regret

Drunk Brother-in-Law's Car Keys

Butternut Squash Risotto

[rolfantlers]

Thanksgiving No. 1

My favorite Thanksgiving memory is from my childhood. My entire extended family got together to celebrate the holiday at my Aunt Kay and Uncle Ted’s house.   That afternoon, a huge snow storm rolled through our area and everybody had to spend the night. I’ll admit the house was crowded, but it was really fun being around all five of my cousins.    The next morning, after breakfast, my cousins and I were playing a game where we took turns punching each other’s shoulders. I guess the game had got pretty loud because my Uncle Ted came in from the other room and shouted, “If you don’t stop this in the next 30 seconds, everybody is going to separate rooms!” Two seconds after Uncle Ted yelled at us, my cousin Paul gave my Uncle Ted the finger behind his back. This made us start to giggle. The giggling just made Uncle Ted angrier, but right as he was about to explode, the doorbell rang. Uncle Ted left to go answer the door. I don’t know why, but we all followed my Uncle Ted to the front door. When he opened the door, two kids from the poor neighborhood were standing on the steps. They told Uncle Ted they were going around to houses on the block shoveling driveways to make some extra money. Uncle Ted thanked the poor kids, but told them he didn’t need any help. After he shut the door, my Uncle Ted looked at all of the kids and called us “lazy brats.” As you might imagine, we were pretty embarrassed to be called “lazy brats.” It also made us kind of mad. So much so, that we stopped punching each other, got dressed and went outside.   Ten minutes later, when we were all outside, my cousins and I were able to track down those two poor kids on the next block over. When they saw us, my older cousin Tommy yelled, “Nobody wants you in this neighborhood dirt bags!” and all of the cousins laughed. I followed Tommy’s lead by shouting, “Get the fuck out of here!” That got a pretty good laugh too which made me feel great. To make a long story short, we ended up taking the shovels from those poor kids and chasing them back to their own neighborhood. Now that I’m older, when I look back on that snowy Thanksgiving, I always get a good feeling because not a lot of people can say their cousins always stick together. 

[rolfantlers]

Dinner Party Gag Idea No. 1

A great gag to play at a dinner party is to bring out a bottle of mouthwash instead of a bottle of wine.

While everybody is still laughing, maybe your wittiest friend will make a crack about how mouthwash doesn’t pair well with anything.

Perhaps a less clever friend will follow this quip by asking to check the vintage.

You’ll get the loudest laugh though when everybody is ready to eat and you serve them plates of toothpaste.

Eventually though, your friends laughter will be overcome by hunger. Little do they know that you didn’t actually prepare anything for dinner because you were drunk all afternoon.

It’s weird being an alcoholic.