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romerofive · 3 years

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When life has other plans...

Life has been a crazy rollercoaster the last several months. Most of the time I would be happy to be tall enough to ride, but this one was a doozy that I would have been glad to sit out if I could see what lay ahead. Unfortunately, that wasn't an option. I had a one way ticket and it was the kind that was a 'no refunds, no exchanges, just keep moving forward and hang on for dear life', ticket to ride the crazy train this summer. We all have had curve balls thrown at us in our lives every once in a while; some of us seem to get those more than others, but that's a different story.

Anyway, what was I saying?

Oh, life. Crazy train. Yes... Well, as you likely know by now, my journey to the Ironman start/finish line was hijacked by some funny, some awkward, some scary, very unexpected hiccups. I will just touch on a few here.

The wheels started coming off, so to speak, with a sharp pain in my shin back in March. An old 'friend'. An injury that has plagued me for years. Shin splint. My nemesis. I got that worked out and rested up and kept moving forward. No biggie. Oh, but then came an out of the blue type of sabotage. One that really is only out of the blue because I'm a rookie cyclist. My bike. The horrible bike and its horrible brakes. You can read all about that fun in my previous post.

To make the recipe for disaster complete, add several cups full of higher than usual stress at work, a dash of Covid-induced chaos all over the place, a big heaping spoonful of coordinating calendars with two adults and three high-energy teens to squeeze some sort of family time in, and then sprinkle in a good ole pinch of a gallbladder removal. That, my friends, is how to whip up a nice batch of crazy.

Looking back on life the last few months is like watching a dumpster fire... just keeps burning.

Now, to be fair, it was not all horrible. I just like to be dramatic.

Mixed in along the way has been some really great time with family. We did a mad dash to the east coast for a 6 day tour of Niagara, Boston, and NYC. I was able to hang with some pretty cool people - the Team World Vision Ironman squad (several of which crossed the actual Ironman finish line!). On top of that, I learned over the past several months how to be a better swimmer, cyclist, runner, and athlete overall. We had some great parties at our house with family, with friends, with our World Vision marathon team, all of which included epic backyard volleyball battles, including one in the pouring rain.

And somewhere along the way, I found my limit... one that I didn't think I had. Sounds arrogant, but it was really more of a case of denial. I realized what I was, and more importantly, what I was not able to handle. Through repeated conversations with my incredibly patient husband and friends, countless tear-filled prayers, and sitting long enough in the stink of unexpected and challenging situations I found myself in, things finally sank in. Hindsight... ah.... yep. It really does give perspective.

Looking back, I know for a fact I was called to step into the Ironman journey. However, the reason for said journey wasn't what I thought it was. I honestly thought the main end goal was to raise $10K for clean water, and secondarily to survive the race if at all possible. While those were both goals, and the fundraising was certainly top priority (to me), God had some extra goals added in. I just wasn't aware of the agenda.

And speaking of goals - we hit $10K!! Which is awesome!!!! Your support and the support of so many amazing and generous people combined to bring clean water to 200 people. That’s 200 lives FOREVER changed!!! Thank you to EACH AND EVER ONE OF YOU!!

Ok… so now… onward. Where was I… dumpster fire. Right. Read on brave soul. 😂

Training and then the derailment of it, added with the aforementioned crud, put me in a place where I was forced to actually stop doing things.

Literally. I'm sitting here typing this out as I recover from surgery.

Being forced to stop all things has also allowed me time to think. To slow down and listen to what is going on around me. It has given me a chance to hear my own thoughts with some clarity and to be more present with my family in a way that I don't think I could have appreciated as much if it hadn't been such a difficult year.

I also realized while lookin back that it was never really all about the amount of fundraising. I believe there is another thing God wanted to make clear to me - I am not alone, and I cannot do life alone.

I never fully understood how deep the root of self-sufficiency went until now. My mindset is always one of 'I don't want to be a burden to anyone'. Unfortunately, that left me feeling alone more often than not. That doesn't mean I was alone, but I didn't let anyone help me much at all. I didn't lean on anyone for support - emotional, or otherwise - aside from two or three people. That doesn't bode well for a newbie triathlete looking to take on an Ironman. I was not the easiest person to coach... (sorry Coach Joe!).. It also doesn't go well when my workload is far beyond capacity and I'm getting further and further behind, thinking it's all gonna pass, this is fine... nope. It doesn't work out well at all. There are so many examples of how I didn't lean on others when I should/could have, but I will spare you.

The other side of the double-edged sword of self-sufficiency is that it also caused me to isolate myself from others. I didn't want to 'bother' anyone, and therefore didn't really seek out relationship with others. It is a lonely way to exist.

I wasn't planning on telling a bunch of people about my gallbladder situation. I didn't think it was a big deal. I didn't want to bother anyone. But Rene let the cat out of the bag and told some folks about the upcoming surgery.

And the response overwhelmed me.

People who I thought hardly knew I existed brought dinner for our family, send encouraging messages, prayed, offered to drive my kids places, and more. It was hard to take in. Weird. I know.

I finally let it all in and stopped trying to explain it all away (like - oh, they are just being nice...). I accepted the help, the meals, the check-ins, the prayers, the encouragement. Accepted all the things people were trying to give me all along - love, kindness, friendship.

Good grief.

It took this ridiculous dumpster fire of a year for me to get it. And now that I do, my main hope and prayer is that I keep remembering truth. That I am not alone and cannot do everything on my own. That I am worth other people's time, effort, love, and friendship - and maybe, just maybe, I'm not the burden I always believed myself to be.

-Moe

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romerofive · 3 years

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The last group ride for me… this was before we started on Saturday morning.

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romerofive · 3 years

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My long overdue update…

Hey everyone! With the training ramping up the last two months, I haven’t had much time to write. So fair warning, this is going to be a LONG post. Luckily for you, I broke it up into sections. Lol. Here we go…

Beginning of June:

Well it’s been a while since my last post. So much has happened and it has been a roller coaster, tons of ups, downs, high speed turns and a few upside down loops. I will do my best to catch up on everything without it being a 30min read. :)

Here is the current reality: now more than ever, I have to be even more intentional about remembering my WHY. For those of you reading this for the first time, let me explain. In a nutshell, I’m doing this crazy thing called an Ironman as a way to fundraise toward bringing clean water to families in the world without it. Plain and simple. In this current age of technology and innovation, there is simply no reason that people should be dying from the water they have to drink. No reason.

Yet even when pondering my WHY, I have days I need to dig really deep to get through some workouts. It’s incredible to me how fickle feelings can be. Thankfully the team I am a part of through World Vision offers boundless support and encouragement. In fact there was a point, not that long ago, where feeling isolated along with working through some unexpected challenges knocked me into a very very low point.

I realize many of you reading this might be asking why I didn’t reach out to the team or anyone before hitting such a low spot. Unfortunately, it is the question I ask myself as well. I have come to understand it’s not my usual M.O. to ask others to help. Oftentimes, I don’t even realize there are people all around me that want to come alongside me, to help me with whatever it is. I’m used to hauling through challenges on my own. I don’t enjoy operating this way; unfortunately the idea of reaching out to others doesn’t usually pop in my brain until one of the following: a.) I take a look in the rear view mirror at what happened and realize I didn’t need to slog through it alone, or, b.) I hit such a low that I can’t even imagine how I will be able to take one more step forward.

Back to the most recent low point. I put out a distress signal to the team and they all graciously encouraged me. One of my teammates took the time to speak with me for over an hour even though it was late in the evening and let’s be real, when you are training there ain’t no time for that! I know that call was a sacrifice of precious time she could have spent prepping for the next morning’s workout or just getting some much needed rest. But she patiently listened to my situation and gave me room to be real. She asked me some questions to help me wade through confusion, she offered practical advice, and ultimately encouraged me to keep on keepin on.

It is because of this call that I was able to continue through the uncharted water God has me in and recommit to the challenge set before me. That challenge is to invite enough people to partner with me to raise $10,000 by race day. The Ironman is simply a tool to help me stay focused, committed, and intentional through several months of hard work. This crazy journey was never about the Ironman itself, but rather the use of my time and energy towards a collective effort to end the global water crisis.

The process of bringing clean water to people is no small task. It involves years of time, planning, and yes, funding. For some, the only water source they have is often from the same source animals defecate in, where human waste is dumped, garbage is disposed of, chemicals are let loose in, bugs lay their eggs in, bacteria flourishes, and more. That means every sip they take or that they give to their children could contain the one thing that ultimately causes a severe illness or even death of their beloved. No parent should ever have to be faced with such a horrible and helpless situation where the very water they need to survive each day could also me the very thing that causes their child’s untimely death, or their own death, leaving their kids to fend for themselves.

Anyway, this is really what keeps me ticking, keeps me showing up for workouts, keeps me inviting people to join me in supporting the work of World Vision.

Why do I go into all of that?

I guess it is my long winded way of saying this: as hard as it was to say yes to the Ironman, I’m finding it is actually harder to say no to it. A few months ago my biggest concern was whether or not I would be fast enough to make it through each checkpoint so as not to be kicked off the course. Over the last several weeks, my main concern is simply to hit my fundraising goal and if I can do the race, great, but if not, it is ok. At this point, I don't care much about cut off times. Those matter, but not as much as my fundraising goal.

I’m gonna keep at this thing!

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Late June:

Let me give you an update on the chaotic ride I’ve been on…

The last 8 weeks have been riddled with setbacks that I have not been able to overcome. One setback has been an injury that came back after almost taking me out of marathon training a few years ago. It’s one that I’m familiar with and in spite of all my efforts to avoid reinjury, I was not successful. As with any injury, the workouts had to be adjusted, running was completely off the table for the first few weeks. Then, after no improvement, it became evident that I needed to modify a few other things.

Well adding PT on top of a schedule stretched very thin was a tipping point. Prior to adding PT to my daily schedule a few other things were kicking up. At the office, my workload had been gradually increasing and it got to be too much. I put in a lot of extra hours to get my head above water (which I’m still doing). That ate into my training & PT schedule along with my family time and plain ole sleep hours. Through the past several months, kids hit several big milestones in a short timespan, involving a graduation, first year of college, celebrations and family gatherings, including family coming into town… All of these are wonderful things! The only trouble was the negative impact the extra activities had on my ability to train, rest properly, and be mentally/emotionally available for my family. So my already tight schedule took another hit.

As a wife and mom, my priority is to my family first before any extras are added. As such, there were times I had to say no to a workout because one of my kids needed a little extra from me; time to go dress shopping for graduation, time to sit down and let that sweet daughter practice her graduation speech over and over until she felt comfortable with it, time to go through the job application process and prepping for a first job interview, teaching my daughter how to manage finances now that she has a job, time to sit and talk and listen to hopes, dreams for the future, fears, and setbacks of their own, time to go over some major life choices like where to go to college. You get my point. And I gotta say - I’m GRATEFUL to be able to be able do things like this with my kids (and thankful they want my input at this point!).This isn’t a complaint. It is just part of the constant tension I was feeling. If I was training, I felt bad for not being with my family. If I was with them, I felt like I should be training.

I had make a line in the sand, so to speak. I was not willing to sacrifice my relationship with my kids or husband for the Ironman. That meant I missed a few workouts along the way. Nothing major, but those can add up quickly when you include an injury in the mix. Early on, I had to admit the reality of the toll this was having on me. As much as I would like to say I was fully present with my kids as they hit their milestones or needed me, that would be inaccurate. As much as I wanted to be fully engaged, I wasn’t. There were times I was just dead tired and had a tough time concentrating on conversation, or times I was stressed out and got all snippy. They didn’t deserve any of that. They deserve to have a much better version of me than the crazy stressed out zombie-like mom and wife. So when I say I drew a line in the sand, yes, I did that so I could still be present with my kids and husband. If the day called for a 45min run and 45min swim, I would do my best to get one done in the morning, but most of the time both ended up being back to back in the evening. Sometimes I had to end my workout a little early to be sure I got home before my family went to bed. Or I would have to miss a workout on occasion to attend something. Even though I tried to balance out the schedule, I felt a constant tension. It was like I could feel every second tick by and I had to keep reassessing if I’m using my time wisely or not. Not really ever resting.

Very quickly I went from trucking along at a steady rhythm in fundraising and training, to a tailspin. The injury messed with my schedule (and my emotions) since it added doctor appointments, an MRI, other tests, pt appointments, and left me very little time to fundraise, let alone cook dinner. Thankfully, my husband & kids can cook!

But after a while, it became exhausting to exist in a never-ending losing battle against the clock, and I was overwhelmed pretty much every day.

I started this blog as a way to document the journey, but also to be open and transparent about the not-so pretty side of life. To talk about real struggles I’m having, and the real feelings I’m encountering - good and bad. All of this with the hope that it will bring some sort of encouragement to anyone reading my updates.

So to be transparent, loneliness set in, i felt I was living in isolation due to my schedule, and emotionally I was in a rough place. One consistent thought I had to fight daily was that I am a worthless, unloveable failure. Now, I feel the need to give a bit more context about the seemingly random spiral into the dark abyss. You might be wondering why the sudden shift? Doesn't it seem like this reaction was a little over the top? Aside from all that I mentioned in the above paragraphs, there was more going on below the surface level.

The tailspin wasn’t only due to the added PT appointments. In fact, to be real and transparent, the downward spiral came mostly from the mental battle that ensued once I realized there was not going to be much hope of a recovery in time to get to the start line. I cannot tell you how many times I have fallen to pieces over the feelings that I am a complete failure. For weeks now, I have been dealing with a level of self-loathing that I haven’t felt in years. It is not a welcome friend. With it comes all the thoughts, the old voices of my past, the lies I believe about myself, the doubt, the fear, and it all can be summed up in two words: worthless failure.

I have so many people cheering me on, supporting me, believing in me more than I believe in myself. I would be letting everyone down. I can’t even describe how that thought gnawed at me day and night.

Looking back, I can see that almost as soon as doubt entered the picture and started to eat away at me every single day, the downward spiral began to really sink some teeth in. I wish I was a natural optimist, but when it comes to anything related to my own self, I’m a pessimist to the core. I can be incredibly hopeful, glass half full kind of person when the situation has to do with someone else. But I reserve absolutely no hope (and no grace) for myself. Somewhere along the way to becoming who I am today, I believed the lie that I’m the only human on the planet who doesn’t deserve to take up space on this earth. I felt that I had to apologize for anything I did that affected others. That means I believed I was the source of everyone’s problems, bad days, everting. That if someone was short with me, I must have upset them; if an error came up, I was sure I was somehow at fault. That kind of stuff. I believed, and still do sometimes, that I am never going to amount to anything, that I’m stupid, worthless, invisible, a burden, and not worth anyone’s time or effort. All of that crap is a really shady form of pride, trying to disguise itself as something else. Fact is, to believe I could be the source of everyone’s problems takes a good amount of pride… to think, me, one person, could be the cause of all the pain/suffering around me… that is a pretty huge impact on the people around me. As if I had that kind of far reaching, crazy powerful (negative) influence! That’s kind of absurd. And that’s a weird form of pride. But the way I see it, it’s better to be aware of and work on it than to continue on in ignorance, allowing it to control me.

So I’m working on it. Trying not to think less of me, but to think of me less.

I’m also working on balancing the schedule. Life is full of crud thrown our way and we can’t plan for everything. Work in progress, but I realize I need to control my schedule, not have it controlling me. I think that will help.

What relief those two ideas brought! Sweet freedom of my mind and heart to simply be who I am, and not try to be all things to all people, and to not feel the pressure to have to do every single thing all at the same time.

We are all a work in progress.

I hope what I shared here will help someone know they are not alone - there are so many of us who face similar battles with our emotions, fears, and inner critic. All we can do is be brave enough to look it in the face and decide to do something different rather than just accepting things as if it’s all permanent.

No matter how big or small, every step we take toward debunking the lies is one step closer to freedom from the weight of it all.

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July - week 1:

Injury update. Leg isn’t aching any longer,time on the elliptical has been a good substitute for running. I’m hoping to be cleared to run very soon!

Even though I have had this injury for several weeks, I'm stubborn enough to keep trying to stick with training. I managed to keep up some workouts as best I could. I also took some time to talk with several experienced triathletes, specifically coaches and Ironman finishers to hear their experiences. Everyone had a different opinion about my situation and what should be my next step. Some have told me that it may be best to call it now before I injure myself further; to bow out of the entire thing completely. Two coaches said I should give myself two more years before trying to do the Ironman. Another coach told me that it wouldn’t hurt to give this year my best shot, show up, and see what happens. And other opinions were landing somewhere in between all of that.

One of the team’s training weekends in Madison is coming up and I will have a chance to be on the course. I’m excited to be with the team, but nervous about the bike ride we had on the schedule. After wrestling with all the input I had gathered, I decided I would show up, give it my best shot, and see what I can get done.

Here is to a wonderful weekend!

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July - week 3:

Training weekend - here is the update…

I came into the weekend feeling pretty hopeful and optimistic. My leg hadn’t given me much trouble for two weeks so I was looking forward to the bike and swim portion of the weekend and the plan was to just steer clear of running. I had a decent ride on Friday night. The views were awesome and filled with rolling hills and fields blanketed in green. It was really refreshing.

Saturday morning I was ready early and looking forward to the group ride. On the way to the check in point, I felt like I was exerting a little more than normal to keep up with the teammates I was riding with. I figured it was because I was a little tired and my body just needed some time to get with the program. So after checking and a safety talk, we began our ride. It was great to be out on the road with the everyone. Unfortunately, after a short distance my body was still feeling like it was waking up or something. I felt slow ams sluggish. I couldn’t figure what the issue was. I had hydrated well leading up to the ride, I had a good dinner the night before and a good breakfast. But after mere 15miles, I just could get up one more hill. So I hopped off. I was frustrated, angry, embarrassed, and emotional. By this time I was far behind everyone in the group. I was alone on the road going through my options.

Do I push through and force myself to finish the 41miles? Do I call for some help? Do I go back to the hotel and call it a day?

I decided to really give my bike a look. I had hopped off a few times already by that point to see if something was wrong, but didn’t find any issues. This time I found the problem. And thenI realized why I felt like my bike was made of lead - my back brake was stuck in the braking position and rubbing the rim of my tire the ENTIRE ride. I was so frustrated! I ended up having to whip out my multi tool and worked on fixing what I could.

And then I hopped back on and kept going, thinking maybe now it will be fine. But very quickly after getting back on the bike, I wasn’t getting any faster and the pedals weren’t turning very easily. I had to stop again to see if I could adjust anything else to make it work. I slowly came to the realization that my bike wasn’t shifting gears properly. It’s no wonder I had to work so hard to try to keep my pace at a somewhat normal speed, even on the flat stretches of road! Normally those flat sections wouldn’t be too much trouble! Naturally, this didn’t bode well for the uphill climbs. I had to work three times as hard as normal to get up a hill. Talk about exhausting! And I didn’t even realize this until miles 12-13! I tried to continue on for a few more miles but by that time I knew my leg was done. The throbbing came and my toes were starting to go numb. It was not a good sign and I was getting worried I wouldn’t be able to walk or ride back to the hotel.

After several stops and starts along with an escalating pain in my leg, I finally reached out to a few people in my awesome support squad and shared what was going on. I was encouraged and reminded that I have been training hard and this isn’t the end of the road for me. There is still more to my journey and it just might not be what I expected. I was also asked to stop for a moment, quiet my mind and heart, and pray. My prayer was pretty simple, “God, what in the world is going on?!”

What came over me was that this is kind of the end of the line for me physically. I knew this situation was the nail on the coffin, so to speak, on my road to Ironman. It became very clear in my heart and mind that this was just not going to be my year for the IM.

So with some pretty deep sadness, I made the difficult decision to officially step away from the training. I need my leg to heal. The more I train on it, the longer it will take to get better. I wish that realization made things a little easier. That’s not what happened.

I started to make the slow walk back to the hotel to put my leg up and ice it… and to really wrap my head around everything. My emotions caught up to me along the walk back. It felt like I was on a long walk of shame. Of defeat. Of failure. I wanted to be invisible. Unfortunately I was not, and every cyclist who passed by asked if I was ok. Literally every one of them. It’s so nice to be around such friendly people - just not at that exact moment. It felt like salt in a fresh wound. I wanted to just crawl into a hole. But they all meant well and I was just feeling a ton of shame.

I got back to the hotel, got my ice, put my leg up and cried. A lot. Like a lot, a lot. I think these tears were waiting to come out for weeks. It was an exhausting, all out ugly cry. I was thankful to be alone. Something about the whole thing felt like a cleansing of sorts. I was letting out months of stress and frustration.

But after a little bit, the tears slowed down and my brain started to come out of the fog of sadness, shame, and frustration. As I sat there, I realized that the race was never meant to be the end all be all. The main point of all of this is to bring clean water to people! So I took some time to just let that set in. I allowed myself to fully let go of the race finish line and focus on the fundraising finish line. That’s when I realized that regardless of my leg, I was not completely out of commission! The injury was not the end of my journey, not even close!

It was then and there I decided that the effort I was no longer able to fully put into the training aspect of the plan, I could certainly put towards fundraising. That started the wheels churning and I felt my heart start to feel a bit lighter and hope was returning to me once again.

So there you have it… that's my update. I tried to be as transparent as possible with it all. It has been tough to put all this out here for anyone to read. There are so many things I wish I could change… I wish I wasn’t so easily knocked off the path by my emotions, but it is just something I have to continue to work at, and we all have our own things we gotta work on.

Regardless of how embarrassed and ashamed I feel about not making it to the start line, I hope that something I share will be an encouragement to whoever reads this. We are all in this life together so we may as well try to help eachother out whenever possible. Speaking of lifting eachother up and helping when we can… I had a great text conversation with an amazing young lady who I admire tremendously. She shared some of her real and honest challenges she was facing as a wife, mom, marathoner, fundraising superstar, and working in ministry. If I get her blessing to do so, I will share some of that interaction on the next post. I have a feeling our convo really spoke to the shared struggle we all face in one capacity or another. But that is for another day.

It’s well past midnight and I have been trying to get this post done for far too long. So rather than find some funny memes, or relevant pictures/graphics/whatever, I’m going to opt for a very plain ole, text only, not-so-pretty post. I hope this was of some benefit to you. If it was not - please… don’t tell me. :P LOL!!! ;)

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romerofive · 3 years

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I started drafting this post with a week left in April. At that point, I was in a rough place. It was an incredibly frustrating month. So many goals and so little success. Any way - point is this: the post starts off with complaints - a lot of complaints. But during the drafting and the time that passed, there have been some amazing things happen to get me out of my mental funk and so I hope by the end of this lengthy update you are left with some encouragement. If not, sorry - you aren’t paid to read this... so no refunds. :P Happy reading...

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April didn’t turn out like I hoped it would, in so many ways. Let me just dive right into it.

I’m not as far along as I hoped to be at this point in my fundraising. While I’m incredibly thankful for the donations that have come through and still believe every little bit helps, that wasn’t what my focus was on for April. I had (and still have) a goal to get three precious little ones sponsored. But as the last week of the month is upon us, I find myself wondering how this is ever going to happen. The clock keeps on ticking away and there’s no progress despite my best efforts. I am not giving up. I’m just frustrated. I’m impatient. SHOCKER.

As for training progress, that too, has been maddening. About 3 weeks ago I started having some shin pain and it wasn’t going away even after icing, elevating, resting, etc... Not a good sign. Luckily (or unluckily...depending how you look at it) I have been down this road before so I know enough to not keep running on it.

The days following were HARD. I know that sounds strange considering I have been taking a break small break from doing any load bearing exercise on my legs (running, walking, squats). Some of the workouts I swapped out for running have been slightly easier. I have been doing more strength training, swimming, and cycling. But for some reason I feel like I’m losing a lot of ground without running each week. I can’t believe I’m saying this but... I think I might actually miss running.

It’s kind of amazing what a couple weeks of not being able to run can do to the mind. I really never thought it would be something I would miss. I didn’t even think it possible! But I guess it is a pretty classic response though... You never know what you have until its gone, right?

And while it may seem like this post is going to be just a bunch of whining and complaining, I promise it is not... I’m going somewhere with it all. If you are impatient like me, oh well. Just hang in there. Flex your patience muscle.

Now where was I...

Ah yes - whining and complaining.

Added to the above list of set backs, my head hasn’t been in a good place all month. The fear monster reared its ugly head big time and I found myself trying to hide under the covers and not deal with it. Pretty sure you all know that is not a great way to cope - but that’s just the reality. Not my finest reaction. Still a work in progress over here.

The physical setback also brought up fears I didn’t expect (as if I don’t have enough already!). Here is the reality of my situation - I’m not an athlete and heck, I’m not a fit n’ trim kind of person. I’m larger than the average triathlete. So it makes me think I injured myself because I’m just too heavy. I’m afraid to think of what other injuries might be waiting to pounce on me as the training gets more and more intense.

Oh and that brings me to a whole host of issues I contend with. The workouts can be a bit harder in some ways (extra weight to move means extra pressure on the joints, extra work on the muscles... ugh). The bike isn’t exactly easy when you are heavy either. Launching forward into those aero bars - it ain’t pretty. One of the first and relatively minor annoyances that chips away at my fragile self-confidence is the feeling of my knees bouncing off of my oversized midsection with every rotation of the pedals. The other thing that comes up is less of an annoyance and more like terror. I feel like I’m riding on a tight rope and any slight lean to one side or the other will mean certain doom. I’m afraid I will fall off my bike (again) and crash one of the many steep hills on the course. And lets not forget that my shoes are actually ATTACHED to my bike! Let that one sink in. Great visual, eh?

Another fear: I’m afraid I won’t even make it to the start line, let alone the finish, due to some injury caused by trying to make my body comply to the rigorous training schedule. You see how the downward spiral goes from a simple shift in my arm position on the bike to visions of me careening down a steep hill, the bike and I are in an epic barrel roll, limbs and wheels flying, yeah... it isn’t pretty. Those thoughts suck the motivation and hope right out of me... And it is a such a strong fear that trying to control it is like trying to hug a tornado. Whew! Things escalated quickly! Alright I know you are all probably thinking that I’m getting a little, um, well, dramatic. If you are - I agree. I am. BUT I’m sure some of you can relate to the spiral down the rabbit hole of doubt and hopelessness. So is it really all that dramatic? Yes. Oh well. But this sums up how I’m doing lately:

And if you want to talk about things escalating quickly, then let’s talk about the clothing... There’s nothing quite like the shock of putting on a pair of bike shorts. So unforgiving. I get it - the legs need to be a bit snug to keep the shorts in place, but geez! I wondered if my feet would have feeling left by the end of my ride. Thankfully they did! While I’m on the subject of attire, I would be remiss if I didn’t bring up the dreaded, much feared, slightly loathed *deep breath* WETSUIT. No one, I mean no one, should have to wear that thing in public. The best way to describe what it does for someone with extra padding is one word: NOTHING. Nothing good at least. I get the whole, don’t want to get hypothermia and hey, wetsuits help you float a little easier, but I sorta rather take my chances with out one. The worst part? There are some wetsuits that have the name ‘Orca’ on the front. Yes, it is a brand. But couldn’t the designers put the name somewhere else on the suit instead of right up front so it looks like your name tag? “Hi, I’m a beached whale. Nice to meet you.” So I’m sure you have gathered that I’m basically afraid of very thorough and complete mortification in a public place with no where to hide. Not just any public place - but one where I will look like a manatee among dolphins. I will be in the company of around 2,000 actual athletes... those fit, trim, toned people without an ounce of fat, who choose to do this Ironman thing for fun. I could keep going about the clothing but I will spare you.

Next up on the list of doom and gloom is a familiar foe. It’s my perpetual fear of failure. What if I don’t make the time cut offs? What if I don’t’ hit my fundraising goal? What if I don’t finish the race? What if I get kicked in the face during the swim, my goggles fly off, my contacts then wash out of my eyes, I can’t see anything and start swimming way off course (away from those amazing people on kyaks there to rescue people lik e me), I get exhausted, lost, can’t swim anymore and... ok, ok. Deep breath. Whew. That is a bit over the top. But it has been a reoccurring thought. I know - its a bit much but I’m just trying to be honest here about how my mind can bring me to the craziest of scenarios and the fear intensifies.

What if, what if, what if? Most of the ‘what if’ questions stem from a place deep within - a place where fear is hard wired. I have mentality that I have to do whatever it takes to complete whatever task is set before me (even if it is ridiculously impossible), and to do it well, OR ELSE. That right there is the big set up. I set myself up for my own mental beating. The ‘or else’ part I mentioned is key. It’s the fear part. The unhealthy motivator that grapples for my brain waves and screams for my attention almost daily. I have enough fear in me to fuel a rocket to the moon. It permeates just about everything I set out to do. It’s exhausting on a good day. And then when I fail to meet my insane and often unrealistic expectation, I continue the mental smack down until I just want to lay under the covers and sleep it all away. Sounds awesome, right?!

Fundraising setbacks (sponsorships) have added to this, now giant, list of fears. I am not even half way through the season yet and at this point I will need to bring in a minimum of approx $1600 for each month from now until race day. That is daunting to say the least. And I made the mistake of looking at other people’s fundraising progress and it made things worse. Seeing how far along others on the team are and was left feeling like a complete loser. Comparison usually does that and I knew better. I obviously still have some learning to do!

The reality is that I’m doing what I can, when I can, to fundraise. I’m asking people directly, I’m posting on social media, I have a raffle coming up (yes - you heard that - stay tuned!). I’m reaching out to stores and restaurants for donations (raffle items or direct donations), donating plasma, I’m reaching out to people I don’t know - like famous kinda people (what do I have to lose?!), I even asked Rene if there were any stocks we could invest in short term that might bring in a significant amount to donate.. I know that is unlikely, but it doesn’t hurt to ask. :P (ps-he said no). But sponsorship asks are bit more challenging. It’s something I need to work on.

Back to the main point - fear seems to be a theme with me. Admitting that is a good step, right? And now comes the fun. Changing. While I am working towards my goals daily, change takes time. It takes repetition and practice. I know myself well enough to recognize I cannot do this alone. I am the kind of person who doesn’t like to ask for help. I try to get things done on my own because for some reason I think asking for help is burdensome to others. That is completely false, but my default is to go solo. I am grateful for both World Vision teams I am a part of. The Parkview marathon team is like family. This is my third year on the team and I can’t imaging training for a marathon with any other group. I love the way everyone is rooting for one another, lifting up the members that are having a tough time, and constantly finding reasons to laugh. Not to mention the team runs with Gatorade and water along the trail and some kind of breakfast food at the end! And I’m new to the TWV Ironman team still, but from the bit I have gathered, they are much the same kind of people - fun, encouraging, and together. That helps so much!

You would think that would be enough support right? Nope. Not for this chic. I need a little more than the average bear, I guess. So I decided to get a coach. And let me tell you - the coach I have is AMAZING. Coach Joe is incredibly patient and reminds me of the FACT that I can do this. He believes I will get to the start AND the finish line. I’m sure you are all thinking - thats his job, right? But you can tell when he says it, he means it. And he backs it up with stories and examples from his years of experience coaching and competing. Prior to having a coach I was trying to find these stories of encouragement on my own. I was looking for a story about someone like me, someone who I could relate to, who made it. Let me tell you... those are not easy to find. So having someone look you in the eye and tell you that you absolutely can do it, knowing that they have seen your ability (or lack of), it helps so much. I just needed that extra input from someone who can say it from experience.

However, the real day-to-day (sometimes minute-by-minute) support comes from my family. I am only making it through all this because of their support and relentless encouragement. Rene and the kids are seriously amazing when it comes to encouragement. They can turn the worst situation into a positive without missing a beat. Or just sit with me when I need to feel what I feel. I wouldn’t have made it this far without them! And my extended family, while they probably think I’m off-my-rocker crazy, they have been supportive none the less. From calls and texts, donating to my page, sharing my page on social media, all the way to the simple kind act of surprising me with a headband. No - not the 80’s sweatband kind. A sweet lookin’ headband that will remind me of my dear sister-in-law and niece every time I wear it. THAT is encouraging. Fo realz.

Pretty sweet, right?! Rosie and Olivia - you rock. Just sayn’.

I would be remiss if I didn’t also mention my faith. Those of you who know me are aware that I am a Jesus-loving kinda gal. Those of you who don’t know me... now you do. LOL. But seriously - I am holding on to Christ through all this because, well, he kinda put me in this situation and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t plan for me to die in the process of training. :) I know for a fact that what I’m learning through all this is going to pay far more dividends in ways I cannot fully comprehend at the moment, and I just need to hang on and trust that he has the road map and I don’t need to be some annoying back seat driver.

Ok. So lets get out of emotional and mental weeds I just walked you through and get back to the reality of things. Last week after another stint in mental prison and it being a particularly bad one, I had enough. The fact is I’m really, really tired of the self-destruct default I seem to be set on. And then a truth bomb dropped on me like a ton of bricks. The only reason I’m in this mental hell is because of my own choosing. I’m not a victim. I have a choice to let this crap drag me down or to start seeing things from another angle. I can give myself permission to fail. Very profound right? lol. And I guess we are not really getting out of the mental/emotional weeds after all... Hope you brought your waders.

Looking at all the crap bouncing around my brain, I decided to reassess everything and start giving myself some permission for once:

-Permission to skip a few running workouts so that I could allow my shin to heal (and not become a stress fracture!).

-Permission to work out in the evening if I can’t get my lazy bum out of bed at 5am.

-Permission to let yesterday stay in the past and to just look at the day I have.

-Permission to adjust expectations rather than deeming a missed goal as failure.

-Permission to lean on others when I’m struggling rather than trying to tough it out on my own.

-Permission to run my own stinking race (figuratively and literally) and quit trying to be someone else.

-Permission to be a fluffy, larger-sized race participant (and to wear the awful wetsuit in public).

-Permission to fall off my bike and to promise myself I will whatever it takes to get back up.

-Permission to ask anyone and everyone for their fundraising support/sponsorship support, be told countless no’s so as to find the yes’s.

-Permission to get more creative with fundraising and not worry if no one I know has ever done what I’m trying to do.

-Permission to have a bad day but with a promise to not allow the bad day to define how I’m doing overall.

-Permission to be real about the struggles and the victories, no sugar coating, no hiding.

I bet you are tired of the word permission by now. You get the point. Life is hard for everyone; no one is exempt from pain or trials. We all have different situations but the commonality in it all is that we all experience tough stuff. But I can do hard things - and so can you. There are times I have two choices ahead of me that are both difficult. In those moments - I have to opportunity to choose which hard thing I am ok with. For example: I know I have a three hour bike ride coming up. I can choose to do that ride on my trainer at home (alone) or with a local group of cyclers. The ride isn’t going to be a cake walk no matter what I do. But I can choose which hard thing to go with. Still tracking with me?

I know I may not be able to always choose what comes my way or when times get tough... but in all of those crappy situations, I can choose what I want to do with it. Do I take the hard road of self-loathing and hatred, of pessimism, of fear-controlled actions? Or do I choose the hard road of pushing against that auto-response of self-loathing, hatred, etc...?

You get my point. Life is hard no matter what we do/don’t do. I think we all know that. But we as well choose our hard road rather than letting life drop kick you down a random dirt path without so much as a compass or bottle of water. Heck, I have no idea if any of the above makes sense to you, but it does to me and I’m sticking with it!

My two mottos for this season have helped me tremendously. Maybe they will help you too. If not, at least you didn’t pay for them. :)

#1: This is fine. (It works for everything... literally..)

#2: I can do hard things. And YOU can do hard things. WE can do hard things. I mean... we already have, haven’t we?!

And to wrap things up (yes, the end is near!) I want to leave you with some final thoughts.

Initially, writing this blog was just a way to document the crazy ride I’m on. I didn’t think I would have the courage to actually post it. Yet I took the baby step to post it and to allow people to walk with me on this crazy journey. But lately, I feel it has become a little more than that. It is my hope that by inviting you into my journey you can glean something from it to help you through your hard stuff... or at least walk away from this with a smile. We don’t always get to choose things that happen in life, but we can choose how we respond. And to remind you of this: You - each and every one of you reading this long and drawn out post - you matter. Your goals, your successes AND your struggles, your pain. And sometimes you need someone on your side rooting for you, even when chances of success look slim. I encourage you to allow people into your struggle, into your hard choices, to allow them walk alongside you. It’s much easier to trudge down a tough, rocky dirt road of pain with some company by your side. And if you don’t have any company, I am happy to walk with you.

That’s all I got for you. I know I’ve said it before but I feel like it needs to be said again - thank you for getting to the bottom of this post. I don’t know if this adds any value to your life or if you feel you have lost precious time you will never get back, but I truly hope it is the former.

Until next time - Peace out.

Moe

PS - Shameless plug! Sponsor a kiddo!!!! Or donate!! Or both!! Go to my page here. :)

If you want more info on Experience Triathlon, check them out here.

#triathlon #failure #ironman #teamworldvision #world vision #fitness goals #fundraising

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romerofive · 3 years

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I’m a little overdue for an update so I finally made myself sit still for a moment to pound out a few paragraphs. Last month was a whirlwind. Training has been tough — as to be expected. What I didn’t anticipate was the mental and emotional challenges that have come with it. I’ve been on a roller coaster that doesn’t seem to have a stop button. So I’m learning to roll with it. I will explain a bit more about what I mean by that, just not yet. Hold your horses. I’m saving that for the truly dedicated reader who will make it to the end of the post! For all you 3-second-glancers out there (you know who you are), I will give you the cliff notes:

March madness is a thing and it exists outside of basketball. I’m a survivor.

But really, in all seriousness, it was an incredibly hard but profoundly impactful month. World Vision had some very generous donors offer a match opportunity for World Water Day. Every donation received that day was matched up to $500K… that’s when the magic happened.

World Water Day came and some pretty amazing people stepped up to support World Vision’s efforts. The Chicago team ended the day with raising enough money to bring clean water to 3,340 BEFORE the match donations were applied. That’s crazy awesome! On my fundraising page I had donations that ranged from $10 all the way up to $250 and when combined with the match funds, it was enough money raised to bring clean water to more than 60 people! The day in and of itself was mind-blowing.

This served as a reminder of what can happen when a few people do what they can and together it makes a huge impact. The only donation amount that is too small is the one that isn’t given. When we add up all the gifts given, whether $1 or $500, it changes entire families and communities. Thank you to all of you who donated, shared my page, and prayed for support this month!!

Now onto the training… and the survival… and the roller coaster I mentioned above.

Disclaimer: This next part is for those of you who are truly dedicated readers; the ones who read every last word no matter how awful it is. I commend your dedication. :P

Where was I? Oh right. Training.

After taking the suggestion from a friend and naming my bike, I still don’t like it any more than I did before. So yeah, my love for the bike is still lacking. This means I still consider it a torture device straight from hell itself…. Ok, maybe that is a little dramatic. But you get the point. I don’t like cycling. Somehow time slows down to a crawl the minute I hit start on my bike workout. A typical 10 seconds can feel like an entire hour! Something about the bike makes my mental game crumble. It’s like kryptonite. No, I don’t think I’m as awesome as Superman, but hey - kryptonite was the only thing I could think of.

No matter how good a day I am having or how pumped I get myself ready for the bike it only takes about ten minutes before I lose grip on the mental steering wheel. Let me tell you - it ain’t pretty. A few thoughts that bounce around like marbles in my head:

Ok. Game on. Let’s do this!

If God called me to it, He will get me through it. Right?? Maybe?? I hope?

My legs are on FIRE

Why… just.. W.H.Y.???

Wait a sec, I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS!!!??!! Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Suck it up, I can get to the next interval!

Are we done yet?

Oh and I can’t leave out the classic oldie - I’m not good enough and will never make it to the finish line. I am going to make a complete fool of myself.

Some days it feels like I’m Indiana Jones running from the huge boulder as it is about to flatten him. And some days the boulder does completely flatten me (emotionally/mentally). Thankfully that is all figurative, otherwise I would not be able to even type this up, as I would have been flattened like a pancake and therefore residing in my new found heavenly home in the clouds. Point is, sometimes I win but most times I lose the mental and emotional battle from the cycling portion of training.

I knew the physical aspect of all this was going to be tough. That kinda comes with the territory when signing up for an Ironman. What I didn’t anticipate was the resurgence of the mental battle. I didn’t realize that what I thought was a thick mental ‘skin’ that I developed from training for a marathon was really nothing when faced with this training. It’s a whole new ball game. There are days when I’m thinking, “Get your popcorn and juice pouches kiddos! You may have thought I was nutty before; I’m about to level up the crazy!”

But really, all joking aside: in spite of the lack of mental and/or physical strength I have at the moment, I know that no matter what the mental and emotional battle is that I face, I don’t face it alone. Ever. And that has made all the difference.

Part of the reason I haven’t mentally imploded at this point is because of the constant support I have all around me - for that I am immeasurably grateful for. Family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances have all encouraged me in some way shape or form this past month. Many of them don’t even realize it. From the simple ‘like and share’ of my fundraiser on social media, to the texts and calls asking how I’m doing with the training and fundraising, and all the in between - it matters. Pair that with my faith in Christ and I have more could have ever asked for in terms of support.

That doesn't mean it is all peaches and roses. There are days I want to quit. Those moments are tough. But then I think of all of you who believe that I can do this, all of you who support me, all of you who are out there wanting me to succeed. And if that isn’t enough to kick me in gear, I think about the precious faces of our sponsor kiddos and what clean does for their families, their communities. It certainly lights the fire under my butt to get me moving regardless of how I feel. This sweet girl, Shaluwa (pictured below) is precious to our family! All of our sponsor kids are. And they motivate me like nothing else. Just the thought of these kids having to drink nasty, disease-ridden water - not knowing if that sip will be the one that ultimately makes them deathly ill - that keeps me moving, keeps me training and fundraising and pushing past the temporary discomfort. They could just as easily have been my kids. I just happen to be born in the US where it isn’t an issue. I don’t want to take that for granted.

Now, at this point in my life nearing almost 39 laps around the sun, I’m acutely aware that feelings are fickle. Thoughts aren’t always based on truth. As humans, our brains can either sift through the mind games we play against ourselves or ignore things entirely. I seem to be ineffective at the latter and therefore I gravitate toward the former on a daily basis. Oftentimes I am so harsh toward myself that I have several rounds of mental chess, ping pong, and internal verbal jousting happening at the same time which can make truth hard to see. Heck, it can make getting out of bed in the morning more than a chore. But the Ironman training has been teaching me something in a very concrete way. The negative thoughts I have bouncing around my brain tend to dissipate once I start doing the thing I either don’t feel like doing, I’m afraid of doing, or simply hate to do. Something about the physical action of riding the dang bike even when I loathe it causes my mind to clear and the important things to come into focus a little better. This typically happens after my legs scream at me for a solid 15 minutes and then finally accept their fate for the next hour or so.

Just last week I had a ride to do in the middle of the week. I really wanted to just hang with my family and watch a movie and eat some popcorn. Instead, I knew I needed to get on the bike. So I did. And after my last interval finished and my little app thing said ‘workout completed’, I realized how grateful I am that I can even do this training. That’s when it hit me. I may not be the fastest or fittest person, but I have all I need - four limbs that work - and I can run, bike, swim, walk, maybe crawl if necessary to get to the finish line (unless I miss the cut off times and they kick me off the course!).

And that is enough.

Because the reality is I’m not doing this triathlon for my own personal goals or gain. I am doing this for the express purpose of bringing clean water to communities without. I don’t have a huge network of people and I’m not a very extroverted person, but using the triathlon as a tool has helped me fundraise in ways I don’t think I could have before. For that I am thankful. And if putting myself through the temporary pain and time commitment of training for an Ironman results in bringing hope and lasting change to a child, a family, a community, then I think the ROI is beyond worth it.

Another cool thing - this month I found a website that allows you to create shirts to sell as part of your fundraising. I made some and we named the campaign ‘Ironman Support Squad’. We sold around 20 shirts!! Now I have an official support squad - because nothing is official until there is a shirt… :D. Alana helped with the design. She has a very strong opinion on these matters and I wasn’t about to question her expertise. The result: it’s a pretty sweet looking shirt! If anyone is looking for a fun way to spice up a fundraiser - check out bonfire.com.

Onward through April friends. May it be filled with warmth, sunny (and allergy-free) days, and loads of joy as we dive headlong into spring.

Maureen

PS - Yes. I like memes. You are all just gonna have to deal. :P And yes... I am long winded. Both of these things won’t change. You have been warned. :D

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romerofive · 4 years

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Before you dive into this one, I think I should give a little context. First off, I don’t consider myself an athlete nor do have any desire to complete a triathlon. It is not a bucket list thing or something I’ve always wanted to do. Nope. I am doing this because for some crazy reason, I felt that God was tugging on my heart for months about it and I decided to trust and obey even though it makes no logical sense to me. That’s another story for another day, but it might help you understand the rest of this post.

I knew training would be hard. That’s a given. But man it has been TOUGH to keep at the training schedule for the Ironman and this past Friday I was literally throwing my hands up and asking God - WHY??? Why are You asking me to do this? It doesn’t make any sense! I wanted to quit SO bad.

I was seriously questioning my sanity about whether or not it was actually God who asked me to do the Ironman or if I’m just a deluded masochist. Not only are the workouts tough (and I’m only in BASE TRAINING), I couldn’t see how I was going to have any time to be with my family considering all that would need to be dedicated to training. Family time is a HUGE priority to me.

On top of that, I had been feeling pretty isolated in general with the workouts and have zero community with people with similar goals/workouts (in close proximity). This has been one of my biggest struggles - training alone.

The other hope-killer was this idea that the massive fundraising goal was all on me, and I am not an up-front, bold-asking type. The reality is that times are tough for people and businesses. There is so much going on in our country right now and so many causes that are asking for people’s time and attention on any number of topics (ex: fighting racial injustices, mental health, the ongoing battle against the pandemic, more fallen evangelical leaders). I couldn’t wrap my head around even asking people to join me to bring clean safe drinking water to kids and families that don’t have access to it. The goal ahead of me seems monumental; like an impassable road where nothing is going to get past the barricades.

Doubt. Isolation. Fear. All of those things dominated my thoughts on Friday night. I let my family in on my battle and they hugged and prayed over me, listened to my complaints (and whining lol), and encouraged me to stick with it. To my dismay, not one of them said it was a good idea to throw in the towel. (and I thought they loved me!! Lol)

I went to bed that night deciding to take the weekend off from anything Ironman related and quite frankly I was pretty determined to find a way to bow out of the whole thing and just do the marathon instead. After all, it is still something, right?

Saturday

I woke to a song in my head that legit wouldn’t go away... “Great is Thy Faithfulness”. Make note of that. It will come in handy later.

Less than an hour later, during my devotion time, this was on my Bible:

My sweet daughter stuck it there sometime the night before. It’s a quote from C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape Letters. Such an odd book to be used for encouragement, but there you have it. I’m stubborn and found myself to be pretty skeptical about the quote. I convinced myself that if God really wanted me to do this, He would need to make it a little more clear. I mean spell it out, writing in the sky kinda clear.

After pondering that a bit, I started my devotional time. I had left off reading both Hebrews 12 and Isaiah 43 so naturally that’s where I began.

Jumping off the page at me:

Hebrews 12:5-13:3 PTP

“So be made strong even in your weakness by lifting up your tired hands in prayer and worship. And strengthen your weak knees, for as you keep walking forward on God’s paths, all your stumbling ways will be divinely healed!”

“Make very sure that you never refuse to listen to God when he speaks! For the God who spoke on earth from Sinai is the same God who now speaks from heaven. Those who heard him speak his living Word on earth found nowhere to hide, so what chance is there for us to escape if we turn our backs on God and refuse to hear his warnings as he speaks from heaven?”

Isaiah 43:1-44:5 NIV

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.”

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland, the wild animals honor me. The jackals and the owls, because I provide water in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland to give drink to my people, my chosen, the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise.”

Ok. At this point I am realizing that I’m not going to be able to wiggle out of this as easily as I thought.

As if that wasn’t enough few hours later I had to run to the store. I kid you not… the instrumental version of the hymn I told you about earlier was being played over the speakers. One thing that might be helpful in understanding why this matters - there have been countless times God has used songs to get my attention. I felt this one pretty deep as I frequently need the reminder that God doesn’t leave us. Ever. Which is great when you need Him, but not so great when trying to get out of something like I was. Gripping the doubt card was my only excuse left and wasn’t ready to let it go.

When the song ended, there was pause (I quietly said ‘thank goodness!!!’). Naturally, as you can imagine, the next song began to play... it was the SAME SONG just a different instrumental version entirely. God obviously knows I’m stubborn. It wasn’t until after that darn song started to play again that I started to be like… ok ok ok…. I’m hearing You! Sheeesh... *insert facepalm* At this point, there isn’t a doubt left in my mind about what He was sayin. I just didn’t like it AT ALL.

Sunday

God wasn’t letting me off easy; it would appear He wanted to make sure I had zero room to question things. While hiking at Starved Rock, I got a random text that someone donated. Now you have to know - I hadn’t talked with anyone and no real ask has been done recently. So I guess there’s a response to my request for Him to help me bring in donations. (thank you to my sweet friend – you know who you are!!)

Funny thing is, more than halfway through the day, I also found myself reminding a very dear friend of mine who is going through an insanely tough time to stop trying to do it alone. Ask God for help. Ask others for help.

When I arrived home, my husband handed me my training schedule and asked what I thought. I looked at him like he had sprouted another head or something! Wondering why he would shove that at me when I had clearly said I wanted to give up the tri and just do the marathon. But I looked anyway, and to my surprise he had written in each of the days he was going to get up early to run with me along with the days I can work out at home and still be with him and the kids. What he said next hit straight into the raw nerve I was nursing – having to sacrifice time with my family to do the training. He said in essence, ‘we are here for you, we love you and support you. You are not alone.’

And right before the night ended, I was having a conversation with my daughter. She was dealing with some tough stuff; teen years aren’t for the faint of heart! Can I get an amen?!? Back to the conversation - I found myself saying the same encouragement to her as I did earlier that day – you don’t need to do this alone. Time for her to reach out and allow people walk with her through it, to open up and allow God to come into the situation.

By that point I realized that the encouragement was also the Holy Spirit saying the same thing to me, “Stop trying to do this alone…” Utterly spent, I went to bed and was like… ok I know I’m going to do this Ironman thing, but please help with each and every workout, to find community, and fundraise.

Monday

By now, you are probably getting tired of reading all my complaints and all the ways it seemed that God was working on getting my attention. Well, too bad. It gets even crazier. This morning, I was woken up at 4:30a and wide awake. If there is one thing I am NOT, it is an early riser. I was wondering what to do with the situation and it was pretty strong on my heart to get my bike workout done. OK. FINE. I strapped my shoes on, clipped in and got rolling. During my ride I was listening to a podcast and the name of the episode that came on for the day was ‘Never Give Up’. It was all about how to keep going when it’s hard, when you are solo, when you want to quit. Needless to say, my ears were on fire. And to top the cake… the guest on the podcast talked about the child she sponsors whose name is Maureen. It’s not exactly a common name. Yep. God was making sure I was listening, and listening gooood!

The Lord gave me the wake up call to get me started with a new morning routine and to meet with Him. I found some pretty awesome communion with Him during my ride.

I thought. I prayed. I listened. I worshipped Him for being so, so, so stinkin’ kind to me. Waking up early came with another sweet gift – family time that evening! One of the things I didn’t want to give up at all for any amount of training.

I think- WOW. Alright. Let’s do this! I’m back and all in - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Game on. Bring it.

Now you think this story is finally done, right? WRONG. Yes…. you read that correctly…

As if there wasn’t enough coming my way! Good grief! God may as well have had a huge loud speaker because there was no way He was going to let me out of this triathlon. I mean clearly… if you have made it this far into the post I’m pretty sure you would agree!

Anyway, where was I? OH. Right. It’s a Monday. Monday’s work routine usually involves plowing through an endless raging river of emails that piled up over the weekend and the usual Monday meetings. No more than 10 minutes into this manic Monday, I came across yet another gracious and mind-blowing gift from the Lord:

So I guess I will have some community!

I cannot even right now. God is so insanely good and I know I don’t deserve an ounce of it. But man am I overflowing with gratitude and hope for the season ahead of me. I look forward to what God wants to do through this journey, the lives He wants to touch, the water He wants to bring to communities, the transformation He wants for me and my family.

At this point, I feel I need to congratulate you. This is a LONG post. ;) You are a champ for making it this far.

I appreciate all of you who take the time to read it or any of the posts I have made. I appreciate the prayers you have said on my behalf. I am grateful for the donations and encouragement and so much more.

I don’t share this to be all like, ‘hey, look at how special I am and blah blah…’ Nope. Truth is I want you also be encouraged by what He has done. This may not be your story – you may not be wading waist deep in triathlon woes. But I have lived long enough on this spinning ball of chaos to know that everyone has hard times.

Everyone has a story with ups AND downs. Through all of the ups and downs I’ve collected through the years, it has been made incredibly clear to me that I am never forgotten by the Lord and He never walks away from me.

SO - If He chooses to stick with someone like me, love me the way I am, and keep loving me through all my bad choices, wrong turns, doubts, fears, failings, you name it... there is no reason the same wouldn’t apply to you. No one is perfect. God has not forgotten or abandoned you. He sees you. All of you. And He LOVES you more than you could ever fathom. And you don’t have to do the hard stuff alone. This applies to ALL. Whether I know you or not, it applies to you.

So if you are finding yourself in a pot hole, a pit, or face down in a dumpster full of… well…. let me just stop there – if you are in some pretty deep waters and you don’t have anyone believing you can make it, cheering you on, listening to your story, lifting you in prayer, etc… I am offering up my heart, eyes, ears and my prayers. Let me know (message me) and I will be honored walk along with you. We can huff it up the hills and roll down the other side together. To be honest I hate hills. Running uphill alone SUCKS. But life is full of those nasty, life sucking, sweat inducing, lungs on fire kinda mounds of dirt and fury. And running up a hill with a friend is a little less miserable and a little more enjoyable... possibly even fun at times.

Point is - You matter to the King. You are precious. You are worth it. Don’t try to go uphill alone; it sucks.

Peace,

Maureen

PS – if you do want to give, here are the links where you can do an online donation (either one works):

My Facebook donation page is here

My World Vision page is here

THANK YOU!!

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