rootytootypie

[rootytootypie]

I know that if i was a hogwarts student my boggart would be me having an uncontrollable bout of gas in front of all my classmates. I wonder if that happened to anyone

I think it was more common in the past than ever. Like as scary as embarrassment is, from Riddle era on, scarier things were happening. But before that, well…I’m gonna throw the name Newt Scamander out there and run. (He eventually outgrows it via trauma).

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did the weasley twins ever sell a prank sweets that inflicted the eater with embarrassing uncontrollable gas? if they did, who had the misfortune of eating them?

The answer, considering U No Poo, is absolutely. More than a few people had the misfortune of trying their heart shaped fart chocolates (later packaged as “Farty Hearty Chocolates- perfect for Valentine’s Day”). One of those stories and the individual involved, I’ll save for later. But Malfoy received a box from a “secret admirer” and ate one singular chocolate which led to about five minutes of bubble guts that had him running to Madame Pomfrey’s, considering he couldn’t be seen in such a state unbefitting a pureblood. When they first made them one summer at the Burrow, Ginny also ate one Harry gave her because he thought it was normal chocolate, and she ended up almost murdering her brothers in cold blood while Molly hummed loudly, clattering pots and pans and pretending not to hear any screaming.

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i think spencer reid would have a really sensitive stomach :3

Oh, yes he absolutely does, with no known medical intolerances, just random shit. No spice, nothing too raw, no 2% or soy milk, fried food is fine if the oil’s clean (and yes, he will ask at any all diners, drive thrus and dives)…you get the idea. And yes, the rest of the team knows all too much about this, with Derek telling future partners, “Don’t cook for this man unless you’re willing to be supervised and scrutinized.” The way to Spencer’s heart is through his stomach, in the sense that it’s not the food, it’s the tummy rubs afterwards.

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Neville Longbottom 😳

First of all, let’s just get real: our boy probably started teaching herbology way too early, like earlier than expected.

Professor Sprout went on a sabbatical before retiring, and Neville came into substitute at nineteen. Yeah, so young the third through seventh year students all remembered when he went to school there. So, you know, he definitely didn’t have a commanding presence on his side, even if he was the more confident guy they all remembered from the War.

Secondly, let’s address the question at hand: Neville will go completely redfaced and shy over a fart. Especially a loud one. Even as his social skills improved, there was never a great toolkit for how to handle public flatulence.

So, really, it was a bad idea to have beans on toast the morning before his first class of seventh years, especially when he knows nerves affect his stomach.

Things go well at first; no one calls him by his first name, no one’s laughing until he makes a joke (even if only all the girls and three of the boys laugh at his jokes for some unknown reason), and the chalk doesn’t screech on the board when he uses it.

But then he drops the chalk, squats to pick it up (certain things said in the past made Neville insecure about his butt)…and proceeds to release a raunchy *FFFFFRRRRRAAAAAPPPT!* in front of the whole class.

The good news was no one laughed. The bad news was he could tell they were dying to.

Somehow, through Gryffindor courage, he managed to come with a quick way to turn things around.

“So before we get to outlining the properties of dittany, I’m going to give you guys thirty seconds to get your giggles out starting…now.”

So, yes, they laughed, but at least the situation was under control. And Neville never had beans on toast on a school day again.

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Kinda gross but Owen from torchwood?? Especially after that whole zombie thing and all of the potty humor there oml 😳💨🦸‍♀️

💨: Pre-zombification, Owen thought of farting is an annoying inconvenience. Especially considering people’s reaction. The amount of rerouting he had to do on call for a moment of gassy peace pre-Jack bothered him. He gets why people are fussy about gas and might not want to be looked after by a flatulent doctor, but why the hell should that be his problem? (He really is Torchwood’s answer to House)

Post-death, he’s even more bothered, because it’s still happening and now he can’t control it because of how much sensation he’s lost. It’s not even relieving! He’s actually a touch ashamed now that it serves no purpose beyond his corpse releasing foul air into the room. He’s a little more shy, and annoyed at that shyness, especially when the others make jokes he would have chuckled at one point.

😳: Living Owen was a 3/10 on the embarrassment scale. Like the occasional fart loud or smelly enough to disrupt a lecture class of 130 people might make him go a bit pink, but that would be it. Even in normal size sixth form courses, he’d definitely crack one off if he knew the teacher would find it disrespectful, because he was a cheeky little shit in school. Even with Katie, he’d generally let rip and say “You may as well learn what death do us part means.”

His most embarrassing moment was post-resurrection. He was examining Ianto after he was burned in the midst of a Dalek attack. Everyone else was gathering around decompressing and trying to dissect why Daleks were in Cardiff, when, without warning, a hideous smell spread throughout the room. A smell so bad that Ianto sat up on the examining table and puked.

Owen had little to no idea how that one had been so awful in particular, but he was all too relieved that he could no longer blush.

🦸‍♂️: The best guess anyone had after an examination of human, paranormal and extraterrestrial medical texts was that while Owen wasn’t breathing, he’s definitely absorbing air, and that gas is the only way it can filter out after hours of buildup. As Owen saw it, yet another downside of being undead was being a ticking time bomb of flatulence. Honestly, between that, the inability to feel or eat, and the permanent open wound, he has no clue how other people like the rest of Torchwood Three are still willing to joke around and be friendly to him, much less how Tosh could still have a crush on him. Honestly, he might as well be in a Hammer horror film. (Cue all of us being like 🥺 pookie noooo!) (Just me? Okay.)

[rootytootypie]

Marcus Butler 😳💨

Ohmigod does this name bring back memories of my high school and early college years. D&P in the closet, YouTube boy band, SprinkleOfGlitter only having one daughter, the SacconeJolys not yet proving that family vlog channels are in fact a hot ass mess, the Sidemen being exclusively known for gaming, Troye Sivan not being a full blown mainstream pop star yet…. I’m sorry, I had to have an old person rant.

💨: Honestly what I remember and could find of his farts weren’t very impressive or shocking. Probably a 5/10 flatulence-wise. His burping was so frequent that I’m almost sure that was where his air tends to concentrate itself. He’s definitely more like a 9 in that area.

😳: I think his embarrassment level is probably bang average too. He rarely farted on camera, which makes me think he’s a touch shy about it, but the few times he did, he didn’t seem all too bothered by it. I think he’s the sort who’d find farting in a small business meeting or on a date more embarrassing than doing so on camera in front of approximately a million people at the height of his fame.

[rootytootypie]

The examples list got replies so fast. If they’re all the same person…you thirsty as hell and I’m not mad at it.

[rootytootypie]

Examples of other fandoms I’ll write for:

Criminal Minds

Teen Wolf

The Boys

Bridgerton

Cobra Kai

Harry Potter (fuck JKR tho)

Twilight

British YouTubers

Britpop

House of Night

Sex Education

Skins

Supernatural

Doctor Who

Torchwood

The Inbetweeners

Call of Duty

Stranger Things

American Horror Story

[rootytootypie]

Super curious about Batman- 😳💨🫘❤️(ships could be with anyone or people he's close to working with-ex: Superman)

💨: Bruce isn’t a gassy guy, by all means. Probably a 3/10. He only gets gas at charity galas and if truly forced to eat on the run; otherwise, his diet is extremely refined. But what he lacks in quantity, he more than makes up for in quality. If he fully lets it out, it’s loud as hell and smells like death. He can make them silent, but the stink almost gets stronger. He definitely resorts to any and all means of muffling the sound and smell, and generally takes it to the bathroom, spreads his cheeks, and muffles it with toilet paper. He totally has charcoal lined underwear, regularly takes mints for more than just breath problems, and even has a soundproof room in his mansion for total privacy.

🫘: Hoo boy…do NOT let this man around fattening foods. Other than beef and poultry, Bruce’s stomach is unprepared. Anything rich, filling, creamy, sugary, or generally having empty calories is gonna cause some rumbles. Salad dressing other than vinaigrette gets to this man. And fast food? The other reason other than poison gas the Batmobile has a high-tech automated air filter. It’s also programmed to filter human gas, something other Justice League members are thankful for for their own reasons.

😳: 12/10 on the embarrassment scale. He’s mortified if he farts in front of Alfred, much less anyone else. He has to emotionally decompress after every time he’s forced to let a silent one go, even though he almost always gets away with it.

His most embarrassing moment? Hands down, it was during an at-home interview with Vicki Vale. He had given her a tour of Wayne Manor (at least the parts on the dummy schematics used to ward off nonexistent suspicion). He made jokes. Charmed her and the photographer she brought along. Told a funny story or two about his antics in Europe (that he had invented after rereading The Sun Also Rises). Then it happened (in slo-mo, as Bruce remembers it): she dropped her pen. He went to pick it up. *BWWWWAAARRRRRRTTT!* And his rear decided to play the salvo of last night’s charity dinner - particularly the stuffed mushrooms.

He jerked back into a rigid stance, cleared his throat, and said, “Excuse me.” This took a gargantuan amount of effort, as the last time he’d undeniably passed gas in public had been in his nursery years at a Montessori school, and as soon as eyes went toward him, he’d run out of the room in tears, which he vaguely felt the urge to do now.

To her credit, noticing Bruce’s tomato red face, Vicki said, “We’ll leave that off the record” and changed the subject to the first edition Dickens novels in the study.

❤️: Bruce never intends to let anyone get too close. He never plans to let his guard down. Flatulence is his definition of too close. Especially when, despite his intentions, he starts romanticizing his boyfriend, then having breakfast in bed with him, and then telling stories about his childhood. Damn it, his emotional walls should be too strong for even Superman to break through, and yet the guy has sprinted through them like they were made of foam bricks.

Why in God’s name did Clark have to find out from Alfred that Bruce’s secret favorite dish is escargot, and then surprise him with it for dinner on his birthday? Did Alfred want him to embarrass himself? Because he was definitely close. Especially after Clark decided to gave him a deep tissue massage as part two of his birthday celebration.

Why were Clark’s hands moving towards his butt? Why wasn’t he yelling out stop, knowing Clark would immediately cease? Why hadn’t he begged off the massage and invented a reason to go on patrol?

All this went through Bruce’s mind as, with his active stomach gurgling and his back yielding to Clark like a pie crust, he relaxed too much and so did his hold on his gas.

*Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt!*

“Good boy,” Clark said. “Now I’m sure you’re relaxed, Bruce.”

“Ha ha,” Bruce said joylessly. “Please forget that.”

“No, I’m serious,” Clark said. “I’m not teasing you. I’m just glad the massage is working. I’m sorry, Bruce. Please don’t be embarrassed.”

“I literally just farted in my boyfriend’s face,” Bruce said. “How can I not be embarrassed?”

“Because I love you, and would never hold something so natural against you,” Clark replied. “Also…”

And then Bruce’s sweet, doe eyed Midwestern boyfriend did something truly shocking.

*BBBBBRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFRRRRT!*

“Excuse me,” Clark said, blushing. “I think the garlic sauce made me a little gassy too. I didn’t mean to let out such a monster. I only wanted to make you feel better about your little slip. Less…alone in your mortification.”

Bruce sat up, turned over, and gave Clark a passionate kiss. “You’re the greatest love I’ve ever known,” Bruce said. “Thank you for being you.”

And that night, Bruce didn’t feel claustrophobic as the two men passed gas throughout the night, but instead an incredible sense of warmth and comfort he’d never imagined.

[rootytootypie]

need to hear about hawk eye’s most embarrassing fart

😳: Clint’s known Laura way longer than anyone realizes. In fact, they were college sweethearts. They survived a lot even before S.H.I.E.L.D. In fact, Clint is pretty sure any woman who’d tolerate the center part he had freshman year is definitely high quality. But by their junior year at Georgetown, there’s one little test she hasn’t passed yet. Mostly because for the last two years, Clint had a dorm room down the hall to run to. But this year, they’ve moved off campus - to Dupont Circle. And while his other friends are off-campus, they could afford to live closer to school, unlike him and Laura (mostly because they didn’t want a third roommate to third wheel on the cohabitational bliss).

Clint really wished that they went for that third roommate. Or maybe a dog. At twenty years old, the freshman fifteen followed by the protein shake/weight lifting/gaining and cutting of sophomore year has left him with a much more sensitive stomach. I mean, who knew Italian food had gassy properties? Not Clint a mere two years ago.

This is not, in fact, a story of love, or at least gentle laughter, conquering flatulence. This is not the story of Clint’s first fart in front of Laura, although it is directly connected. No, this is a story of a much greater humiliation, one that takes years to unfold into the hideous memory Clint cringes over.

After a little too much chicken alfredo, Clint announced he was going for a smoke. This being the days when smokers weren’t necessarily dealbreakers for the majority of the non-smoking population, Laura thought nothing of it, or the fact that she could swear Clint quit smoking when he went on that health kick, and that his lack of cigarette purchases aided them in renting an apartment. It was a hard habit to break, and hey, his half of the rent was always on time.

Clint clenched himself on the elevator ride down and out the door, until he finally walked into the alleyway behind the apartment. He let out a deep breath. “Shit,” he muttered, and let out a *PPPPPPPRRRRRRRRRRRRBBBBBBBBBBBBBBPPRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!* He grinned in relief, and chuckled. “Some of my best work,” he muttered.

Then someone behind him coughed. Clint slowly turned around to see a black man with a eyepatch walking a brown labradoodle. “You need to be more aware of your surroundings, kid. You thought you were alone, right,” the man says. “‘Cause you weren’t. I’ve been here since you rushed into that alley looking suspicious as all hell. You need to use your senses more. Watch your own back.”

“Uh, okay,” Clint said, feeling his neck turn as red as his face. “Thanks for the advice, sir.” The lack of street smarts combined with, quite frankly, the worst fart he’d ever done had Clint prepared for another move.

The man in the eyepatch tsked and walked on, before adding an “Ugh.”

Two minutes later, Clint came back in the apartment, lifted his leg, let out a *BRUT!* and told a mildly surprised Laura, “I’m not leaving the house for that anymore. Get used to it, babe.”

And years later, he was never more embarrassed to see a picture of a labradoodle on Nick Fury’s desk.

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what supers do you think would prank someone with a whoopie cushion

Barry, easily. Loves doing it to the other Justice League members. He once did it to a pregnant Iris, who actually let fly a fart double the volume of the cushion out of surprise. He is so sharing that anecdote on his deathbed.

Wally and Gar were both prone to it at separate times, but after dropping their teen handles, the joke had lost its steam. Especially in Gar’s case, because after they leave the tower, Rae is savvy to every possible angle he might use for a whoopie gag, and the payoff isn’t worth the effort outside of slow crime stretches.

Tony is surprisingly likely to use it when he decides the Avengers need some levity, usually putting it on Bucky or Clint’s chairs. Although being the tech nerd he is, it’s definitely the electronic version.

Adam (GoG) finds one on an adventure, and instead of using it on anyone, he just blows it up, presses his hands together, and laughs hysterically. This amuses him for a good six hours.

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captain america 😳🫘💨

Tw: very, very negligible mention of scat

💨: Cap’s the king of silent farts. After all, the smell may be awful, but his butt making noise on top of that? Oh, God, please bury him alive, and not in ice. He definitely farts a healthy amount, although color him shocked (and relieved) when he learns fifteen is the average instead of eight. He definitely tries to only pass gas in a restroom or in bed alone (he really would find it impolite in his own living room, because it may offend a surprise guest if they should knock on his door shortly after he releases).

🫘: Dairy is totally his weakness. And considering lactose intolerance wasn’t researched heavily until a decade after he froze, Cappie was still eating dairy and accepting the consequences because “dairy is an important food group.” Stark made him get checked out after witnessing the “after effects” on a public restroom during a team Friendly’s run. The lactase Cap was prescribed helped the bathroom issues, but not the toxic fog his silent but deadlies leave behind.

😳: Cap really is embarrassed anytime it happens in front of people, even if he gets away with a silent fart, because he knows what he did. He has too many embarrassing moments to pick from with this attitude. Ones in the running include:

The time he had to fart for the doctors to leave the hospital because his digestive capabilities were being tested post-unfreezing

The time he had too much macaroni and cheese and allegedly “made his sheets rise” according to Bucky and his other bunk mates

The Friendly’s run (where the other men in the restroom fled, making Tony come in to check on him) (and where Clint recalls hearing a *SPPPPLLLLOOORT* all the way back at their table)

The time Peggy gave him bum a little squeeze (because 40s propriety is keeping no one away from America’s ass) and he let out a raunchy *FRRRRBBBBBBBBBBBT!* that made him curl up into the fetal position and hide his face in his lap until she finally coaxed him away from a near panic attack

Or maybe even the time he tripped, fell, and landed on his stomach, causing him to unleash a silent fog during a group practice in the Avengers campus training space that everyone immediately smelled even though he was sparring with Bucky three feet away from everyone else

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Damon Salvatore? 🫘😳💨🤢❤️🦸

(I read the original 90s series, and watched the CW show, but I assumed you were referring mostly to the latter.)

💨: Damon is a 4/10 as a human. He farts slightly less than average, and it’s usually silent and scentless. That said, if he feeds on more than five people in a night, he’s definitely not inviting himself over for naughty times with anyone. He absolutely cannot handle when things racket up to even a 6/10. He immediately secludes himself in that state.

It’s about the same as a vampire, except his trigger foods affect him way more. They can crank things up to a 9/10 stinkwise, since he’s an expert on putting on the silencer. It’s very noticeable, and Damon will frequently crop dust locations, or use his good looks to blame some human guy (honestly it’s usually Matt, because Jeremy and Elena will fly off the handle if he does that to them) (he tried claiming NewVamp!Elena had trouble adjusting to blood, and he had a very unsexy back scrape to prove it; that sucker took three days to fully heal).

🫘: Damon cannot handle most Asian or Latin cuisine, Italian being the obvious exception. It’s not just that he’s a white bread American, but that for most of his natural life, and the first two decades of vampirism, these foods were widely available in America outside of major cities, especially not in Civil War-era Mystic Falls. He’s adapted pretty well to Chinese food after a month or two of bad reactions, but even after nearly two centuries, he still cannot handle his spice. Indian and fast-food Mexican are particularly hard on Damon’s stomach.

😳: For all his modern hedonism and living in the moment, the 19th century gentleman in Damon will blush even imagining the thought of passing gas in public (and yes, home with Stefan counts as public). His embarrassment levels are definitely a 10/10, maybe even more like a 1000/10. And with a lady love or gentleman partner? Watch him disappear to another country for the next seventy years if they’re a human, and forever if they’re a vamp. After all, he could learn to love Japan. Sweden is also supposed to be lovely.

Part of his drama trauma stems from a moment he had with Katherine. After a rich meal of Chinese food Katherine had Emily prepare for her and the Salv brothers, the foreign food, particularly the egg rolls, had an effect on Damon. He was making love to Katherine at the time it hit, and as his thrusts grew got slower, he could tell she was already losing interest.

“Why the sudden gentle act,” Katherine asked. “It’s like you’re starting over before anyone finishes.”

As a human, Damon was so desperate to please her, to beat out not only Stefan, but 300 years of other lovers, that he immediately picked up the pace.

Her moans increased as he did so, and his trademark smirk came to his face. And then… *BRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrOOOOOOOObrrtbrrt!*

The smirk dropped from Damon’s face as Katherine stared up at him in blatant disgust.

“I apologize,” Damon said as his face reddened. “I did not know I would…”

“Release worse flatulence than a horse,” Katherine supplied.

Damon hung his head in shame as Katherine climbed out from under him and walked out of his chambers laughing, obviously heading to the rooms of his perfect brother.

And so, to this day, he associates gas with another time he lost to Stef.

❤️: He will hold it until he’s blue in the face, bloated, and possibly having the first vampiric heart attack. If he doesn’t want to draw such drastic attention to himself, he’ll let it out silently whenever his partner is out of the room. This was a fairly effective tactic until Elena became a vampire and could tell whenever she came back that, at the very least, there was something lingering under the strong Febreze. After that, she pretty frequently gets snarky about Damon’s little habits and his shyness with the topic of his gas, shocked she found the one thing to make Damon nervous (well, other than the constant world-shattering Mystic Falls danger of the week).

Some quotes over time include:

“So, we had Indian. Do you want to go to the bathroom now, or should I wait for you to tell me the only thing that smells is my upper lip?”

“Just because Jeremy’s human doesn’t mean you can blame your farts on him. You know, if you really think you can keep yourself from sucking its blood, we could get a dog.”

*BRRRVVVVRRRT!* “…So I’m gonna take that as either a request for some alone time or some Tums and cuddles? Where are we going with this?”

Like, she definitely proved she has nothing in common with Katherine other than snarkiness, but honestly Damon puts up with it, because it’s a strange kind of affection he’s grown used to.

🦸‍♂️: Vampirism actually means that, if he kept an all blood diet, Damon could theoretically have very little gas, but the necessity to pass a human is important and honestly, the expanding American palate leads to more tempting offerings in a small town like Mystic Falls. Anything that gives humans gas goes double for vampires, and the stomach takes longer to adjust to new foods than it would for a human. Hence, Damon’s inability to handle Taco Bell or even Chipotle, as Tex-Mex didn’t come in freezers and go into fryers when he was human. The same goes for a lot of international cuisine as done by Virginia.

[rootytootypie]

you said bending over and accidentally blasting is one of your favorite tropes, who are some characters you’d love to see that happen to?

Nathaniel and Castiel from My Candy Love (UL/LL)

Dick Grayson (Nightwing)

Bruce Wayne (working through an ask on him)

Ghost from COD (I only know him through Character.Ai)

RM Renfield/Tony Stonem/Peter the III…just Nicholas Hoult characters

Spider-Man/Peter Parker

And a good few others that would make this list go from signs of my type to a psychoanalytical level

[rootytootypie]

bruce banner 😳?

😳: With there being two sides to this coin, there’s two reactions to being gassy. Bruce is embarrassed by it, but can rationalize his embarrassment away and laugh it off. His go-to is to shrug and say, “Well, the nitrogen in me really wanted out” or “Pardon my flatus for being so noisy” or some other scientific joke. Hulk, on the other hand, is mortified when it happens, mostly because it’s so large and loud and can disturb entire crowds like a wave of stink from a waste barge off Staten Island in a heat wave.

For Bruce, his most embarrassing moment was a fart during a presentation on the properties of methane in middle school, but Hulk’s was definitely worse.

Bruce had grabbed a Fiber One bar right before Tony called the Avengers to assemble for a routine field trip/tour of the facility by some upstate elementary schoolers. Things went well, Bruce managed to go Hulk without any dangerous rage being unleashed (other than him crushing a stack of papers in the disposal pile), and the kids were very impressed (as was their very cute teacher).

Hulk was too distracted to notice an overexcited first grader trying to go for a climb up his back. Pulling the back of Hulk’s shorts could have lead to worse consequences for the kid (like being swatted clear across the room like an annoying bug). But what happened was still pretty bad.

*RRRRRRRRVVVVVRRRRRPPPT!*

The kid let go, gagging for fresh air, as the Avengers nearby and the assembled students coughed as if someone released tear gas.

(Even Tony, in his suit, but his coughing was really him trying not to burst out laughing.)

What else could the big green guy do, except hang his head, and say “Hulk very, very sorry.”

[rootytootypie]

❤️💨🫘😳🤢🦸‍♂️for Spiderman please. Uhhhh not the Tom Holland one, the adult versions just to be clear hehe

💨: On a scale of gassiness, Peter is definitely a reticient seven. He doesn’t go around tooting his horn at all, but his Aunt May knows this (other) little secret. She thinks it’s the sweetest thing her nephew is so polite, but she always makes sure there’s Gas X, ginger ale, and mint around the house to settle his poor stomach. She also definitely makes sure Mary Jane is in on it once Peter moves out, so even at ESU, he’s well stocked with remedies for his tummy troubles. MJ is super subtle about it, making sure he doesn’t realize she knows until he’s ready to tell her (mostly because he’d be mortified if he know his aunt told his crush all about how he’s not actually an avid tuba player, and in fact has never even owned the instrument). Peter’s actually more shy with friends and family than strangers, mostly because he finds his loud gas so embarrassing, but also because he doesn’t want to worry anyone with his stomach problems.

🫘: Peter and beans have a dangerous, odiferous affair going. He knows he shouldn’t touch them in any form, but in one of the culinary capitals of the world, how can he resist refried beans, bean dip, bean chips, and all the forms it takes that have Peter swinging home tooting like a tugboat? They just smell so good going in? How can they stink so much coming out? Yes, they require a retreat to a fortress of solitude (his bedroom at May’s, the dorm room at peak party times so Harry’s out, or his apartment), but the taste makes it worth it. He pines, he perishes (mostly because he’s a little afraid Triple J will declare Spidey a gaseous menace).

😳: When you’re gassy like Peter, you definitely have a few embarrassing farts in your memory banks. But there only one that can be decreed the worst.

It was Peter’s first college party at ESU, in the extreme ostentatious Alpha Mu Pi mansion on campus. The place was cavernous, with no doors clearly marked and most of the freshman being as clueless to the layout as he was. This was very bad, because his nerves had driven him to packing in the chips and bean dip abandoned in the corner. And after about fifteen chips, Peter’s stomach was bubbling. He was sure it was brewing something nasty.

His lack of direction led him to a door another random guy thought might be the bathroom. Instead, as Peter flung the door open and saw two guys making out, he let out a *BBBBBBRRRRRRbbbbbblllllrllllrllrllllllBBBBB!* that rang out louder than the music pumping on the stereo. Everyone was looking at him, including the gay couple, one of whom happened to be Rodney Worth, the starting quarterback who just transferred from Crofton University.

Peter and his fart had just accidentally outed the quarterback to a packed frat party. For weeks, he hung his head in shame, especially as the news hit the school paper. He not only embarrassed himself, he’d ruined some poor guy’s life (I’m partly picturing the Spideyverses of the past films, so it’s technically always the 2000s/early 2010s in their universe; i.e. Rodney would NOT be in for a fun time). He finally sighed, gathered up his courage, and went to Rodney to apologize.

He found Rodney under a tree in the quad, openly reading James Joyce to his boyfriend. “Can I talk to you, Rodney,” Peter asked nervously. The broad shouldered football player nodded and stood up, following Pete a few steps away.

“I’m really sorry for outing you,” Peter said. “It was an accident, but I know that doesn’t make things better, so I’m just plain sorry that the news spread so much, and-”

“Sorry,” Rodney said, perplexed. “I’ve been wanting to thank you. I’m finally free to be who I am, and fuck anyone who thinks badly of it. Because of you, I’m not burdened by any secrets. I’m gay and proud.”

“Oh,” Peter said, surprised. “Well, that’s great. I’m glad there was a positive side for you.”

“Do me a favor, though,” Rodney asked with a grin. “Lay off the bean dip, okay?”

❤️: Peter was downright terrified to fart in front of MJ. He was afraid one toot would be the thing to make her snap out of dating him and remember him as a geeky neighbor boy instead of a boyfriend. He held it pretty steadfastly…until one night when they end up on the coach together watching a movie - and the popcorn mixed in his belly with the bean chips he ate as a quick snack. Peter shifted, ready to head for the bathroom - just as she rested her head on his shoulder and wrapped her arm around his waist. She looked up at him, and her eyes made him want to melt. “I’m so glad we get a night to ourselves,” she said. “No urgent crimes to interrupt, no crazy missions, or jacked up supervillains. Just you and me.”

“Same,” Peter squeaked, his voice breaking from nerves.

“Are you alright,” MJ asked. “You look kinda feverish. Can you still get sick?”

“I’m fine,” Peter protested. “Just…happy. Content. Can’t believe how lucky I am.”

“Yeah…okay,” MJ said. “If you’re sure.”

“Sure as shootin’,” Peter heard himself say, and blushed. Where the hell did come from? At least his embarrassing little problems is under wraps-

*PrrrrrooooooBLLLPBLLPBLLP!*

“Oh, God, MJ, I’m so sorry, I can’t believe I-”

“Finally showed me your tuba playing,” MJ snarked, giggling.

Peter pouted. “Just for that, I’m gonna point out you toot in your sleep,” he groused.

“Aw, Pete,” she said. “Is it really bad? There’s some ginger ale in the fridge I can get you.”

“…Okay,” Peter agreed. “But if I have to fart more, will you still cuddle me?”

“Duh,” MJ said. “Just stand up if you have to shoot webs out of your butt, because I just bought this couch from Pottery Barn.”

“…I love you,” he said, giving her puppy dog eyes. “And I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sor- Oh, my God, that’s vile! Talk about silent but violent. Apology accepted! …Now come back here, I’m cold.”

🤢: Peter is very easily grossed out by certain people’s farts. Certain people being Flash Thompson on a power trip farting in his general direction. Other than that example of fart torture (not really my scene), Peter is sorta ambivalent to farts. Well, the one exception is when he sneaks up on criminals and one of them farts in surprise. That cracks him up. He’s definitely as much of a worrier as his friends are about him, and happily give out tummy rubs and forehead kisses to any of his girlfriends who are gassy for whatever reason, but especially period cramps.

🦸‍♂️: He doesn’t fart web. That said, his sudden bean intolerance only came after he was bitten by the spider. Before that, he didn’t struggle with any food. There have been times the resulting farts propelled him forward by a few extra centimeters as he swings through the city, so the gas has also definitely gotten more powerful since he became super. It’s as if the bite gave him extra protein farts as a consequence of his newly developed bod.

[rootytootypie]

Iron Man

😳🤢🦸

😳: Tony’s definitely a 8 out of 10 when it comes to embarrassment. You have to be someone he’s known for ages before he’s comfortable with possibly passing gas around you, and even then he’ll definitely still say excuse me. And even if you have known him for ages, he’s still way more wary about that stuff around the Avengers.

It has less to do with his background and more to do with image; after all, you wouldn’t see any 80s hair metal rockers, 40s Rat Packers or super cool Hollywood stars doing that in public during their prime (especially Tom Cruise, who, Scientology or not, has an image Tony idolizes). Some of his few good memories of Howard Stark were actually, occasionally being able to make his dad laugh with a random fart growing up when he was very young.

You might expect his most embarrassing moment involved the Avengers or Pepper, but no. It was a tale as old as time, or at least Mexican food’s increased popularity in school cafeterias after Taco Bell hit big in the 1960s. It was October 12th, 1982. Taco Tuesday. A day that shall live in infamy at Andover, as far as Tony is concerned.

He was twelve, and hopelessly naïve. Even though he mostly took classes with older juniors, there were a few other genius kids who skipped junior high that shared a class or two with him. And one of those whiz kids was Millie Collins, a cute blonde preteen who would have been the most popular girl in school among her own peers. He’d been flirting with her since September (and considering a month would be unheard of in some of Tony’s adult relationships, we know this means he was head over heels).

He got to their shared class, British Literature, a few minutes early. “Tony,” Millie called out. “I saved you a seat!”

“Thanks, doll,” he said, sitting down next to her and feeling quite a bit like John Travolta. 

Then it all went to hell. The pencil tucked behind his ear slid and hit the floor. In what he can only recall as slow motion, he bent over to pick it up…and then BAM! The loudest fart EVER! His dreams of peak coolness went up in flames. He’d cut the cheese…and his butt was tilted towards his crush.

That would have been bad enough. But the sparsely populated rows of early arrivals in front of them all turned around and started laughing, and shouting things like “Phew!” and “Grody!”. Some kid came in as things were calming down and said, “What’s so funny?” and his friend replied, “Stark floated a giant air biscuit!” which got everyone laughing like chimps again.

That wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was Millie Collins waiting for him after class and saying, “It’s okay. People will forget,” which to Tony, implied people definitely wouldn’t forget, and that his crush pitied him too much to tell him to bag his face.

Parts of it turned out happily ever after, in that he ended up being Millie’s boyfriend for real until the end of high school (which, again, was a relationship record of his well into adulthood). But the shame was still palpable in Tony’s mind to the point where it eventually came up in therapy thirty years later, bunched somewhere in the lowest rungs of childhood trauma with “the time Maria thought because he loved pummeling his Bozo punching bag, he might like a clown at his birthday” and “getting hazed his first semester at MIT.”

🤢: Tony very much wavers between finding farts funny or gross. It depends on how much, if any alcohol he’s consumed, or later, how much sleep he’s had, his proximity to the farter, how close his relationship to the farter is, and whether or not he’s in a position where he can react either way (after all, in business meetings, you can’t exactly burst out laughing OR call someone a nasty fucker OR do all of the above, as it looks unprofessional).

In the film timeline with Morgan, he definitely got used to Pepper farting because pregnancy does that, and any time any kid under 5 does it, he can’t help but be tickled, but a random guy or gal on a packed subway is definitely not going to amuse him. In fact, an encounter like that is the reason why, speed or not, he always uses a private driver in New York City. You thought it was regard for his own safety or disdain for the common man? Nope, it’s because in a car, he has the quick reflexes to roll up a window if Happy farts, but public transport has yet to advance to allowing private partitions for all riders. Stark R&D is definitely working on it.

🦸‍♂️: There isn’t much here except a few amusing suit features, like a filtration device both for his own rear and the gasses of other, and soundproofing for, well, anything that doesn’t come from his vocal chords (his stomach rumbling, sneezing, belching, coughing, etc. definitely don’t fit the Iron Man aesthetic, and very much are not features on the Pinterest board).

😳 is less fetish oriented and more basic answer due to age (I felt like somebody definitely had an embarrassing moment as a child that can’t be topped, and something about how Tony constantly dwelled on the past in some ways really lent to that)