rora-ish

[rora-ish]

my flatmate, a ukranian guy, just asked me out not even 24 hours of knowing me. i feel physically sick.

i cant even pretend to myself anymore that i could like someone else, its still you or no one in my mind. need to find a way to scare him off without getting hurt in the process. hes fucking intense.

wish you were here. makes me miss you more

[rora-ish]

i dont know if youll ever see this, but please come visit me. i want to see you, i want to look up surprised to have you at my window, i want just one more nigbt of cuddling up and giggling at nothing, walking campus, eating shit food.

please. you know where i am, i feel as though i wait for you daily

[rora-ish]

kitty being a cutie

[rora-ish]

were going on contact for a month straight whilst you move away, until august 20th (or there abouts). karrar messaged me last night to thank me for organising the airsoft, and said my presence was missing. i asked you to make it clear in your ex now, not your on and off girl, not the girl back home.

you said youll mention it if its brought up, you mean to say it wasnt at all at the airsoft mentioned that i wasnt there? its annoyed me, it really has. you dont want me, you want me gone, but refuse to make it known that im not yoirs anymore.

i cant tell what you want, because youll do all that because you miss me, but still get your casual hookups and act like its nothing when i find out

[rora-ish]

i, for the first time, just had the thought ‘this is going to be the hardest part of the night’, when getting ready for bed. this is where my thoughts spiral around you and overtake me.

im worried about you, from the photos you look ill, and skinnier than even your usual, i will try not to think about it though

[rora-ish]

i walk when i cant sleep, when i cant concentrate, when i cant do anything else, usually in the cover of night, usually because i cant stop thinking of you.

tonight is another like the hundreds before it, where thoughts of you paralyse my mentality. ill be exhausted in the morning, but even then my tired brain will chase your shadows around me.

so i walk, whilst my thoughts entrap themselves, circling anger, self pity, awareness, acceptance, and then depression. it is depressive, im tired of pretending it isnt.

everyone who knew me before can see it, those who only know me after see the bright and bubbly front i can put on, even when my eyes are dim.

dim and dying, but not dead yet.

i miss you, i miss happiness, i miss brightness, i miss caring without fear

[rora-ish]

i hope this is seemimg easy for you, to get on with life, no trouble caused, no missing me taking place.

its hell on the other side, there are good days and bad, but so many more bad. there will be many more to come, but still i will hold myself back

[rora-ish]

i miss you so much its keeping me up at night

i want you next to me, one arm over me, teasing me about my blush.

we had a painfully polite conversation this morning, about airsoft and car windows. this isnt how i thought our lives would be, and its crushing me.

i keep you blocked because i know i have to face the reality, that you dont care about me past your own boredom anymore

i feel myself shrinking, stone walling, biting at the world. ill be stone by next year. ill be more like you that ever

[rora-ish]

i took off my bracelets and my rings, after i blocked you, and put them in the box with the rest of your things that i still manage to treasure

[rora-ish]

its been 3 years since the origianl whitby trip

[rora-ish]

i dont call out your name when i finish anymore, but i still find myself reaching for where your hand woukd usually be to pull me through to waves of bliss

and then i ruin the experience with my tears because there is no hand there, and never will be again

[rora-ish]

and suddenly my palms are tainted with aweet smoke and boys offer me a light.

i have become my nightmare, ive become you.

i dont give them a second look, all i think of is you, they ask to sit with me, j gell them i smoke alone. my flatmates mingle as we smoke, and eventually one of them sits with me anyway - the twink as i affectionately call him (he totally is) and i tell him about you, how you would be angry to see me like this.

i feel at rock bottom, i guess i have to crawl back up now

my clothes smell like you, and my hands smell like you, and the air is like youre here, and my breath is yours

i guess we all find ways to cope, i dont want boys, i just want to taste your presence again

[rora-ish]

i wonder at what point i became to you what i am to everyone else, the weird kid you dont want to be seen with

i still remember the passion with which you hated me at the end of our first relationship, i will never forget that scorn. ive spent 3 years trying to win back what i lost, whilst youve enjoyed watching me beg and fail.

we fell in love with the potential of each other, but potential isnt real, actions are, and all youve done for years is hurt me

i hate you and i miss you and i hope you never come back, because i know it wont be to me. i know you wont change for me, and i know that when you do change ill never be who you think of

[rora-ish]

i met a lot more of my flatmates today, we fucked about in the kitchen and went for a walk, we all get on well and everyone works so its quieter in the day and louder past 8pm, but im okay with that.

theyll be good enough company for a few months.

[rora-ish]

its starting to hit a little more

i miss you

[rora-ish]

my new view - gretas old room - lowry 002

[rora-ish]

i miss you, and i have memories that haunt me

like when we went out for dinner with spars and claudia, and i did my usual zone out whilst i ate. spars noticed and asked you if i was okay, and you knew i was and made sure he didnt bother me, gently coaxed me back and made me comfortable

you may have cared less towards the end, but you never forgot the things that make me. every time i eat i still drift, i probably always will, you were the forst to take note of it, but maybe you wont be the last.

we exist most in my memory.