rose-in-spanish-harlem - Tumblr blog

[rose-in-spanish-harlem]

Implicit Love

I was supposed to end things with him yesterday - that was the plan at least. That was the plan until I ended up back in bed with him. Now I simply can’t end things. I’ve further complicated our trist and find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with him. What started as a fun distraction has spiraled into something far more chaotic and out of my control - love. And not just any kind of love but the kind of love that makes you count the freckles on someone's face or keep track of the number of beauty marks you see. The kind of love that’s simple and easy and you won’t even have to question it. It’s almost implicit.

And so, when I did try to end things he was assertive and direct, he made it clear that he wants me and that he always gets what he wants. He saw through my fear of intimacy and called it out for what it was, a fear of being open and vulnerable with him. He says that every time I begin to open myself up to him I feel the need to run and pull away. He says that it’s immature to end things without even trying to work out the real issues but if it’s what I wanted to do he wouldn’t stop me. Maybe that’s what I needed to hear, that I’m free to walk away at any point. If I’m honest the need to end things came from a place of fiery and uninhibited jealousy. He’s going away to London for a week where he’ll be meeting with an old lover. Mel, he says, is just a friend. A friend that is so obviously in love with him that she paid for his entire trip and hotel. She went as far as booking a ticket on his same flight just to make sure they’d end up in the same place at the same time. It’s weird. I’ve expressed how weird it is, how uncomfortable I feel about the whole thing, but as I’ve already made abundantly clear he’s not my boyfriend and so I won’t stop him or fight it. He told me if I’d been more willing to practice exclusivity with him maybe things would have turned out differently and maybe I wouldn’t feel some type of way. And now I feel punished for my need to remain free and unbridled. I hate to admit it, but he’s right, and I’m not ready to rush into a relationship any time soon. This is the first time I’ve been truly single since I was 16 and I’m enjoying the perks of being a single 22-year-old woman in New York City. And to be fair he’s definitely not ready for anything serious with me either. Especially not when he’s still vindictively holding a grudge against his ex. He’s still so hurt and unhealed over what happened between the two of them that he hasn’t been able to put any real effort in to courting me. So despite this intense and passionate love we feel for one another, it might just be sex. And sex without expectations is a great way to get your heart broken.