roseceles - Tumblr blog

[roseceles]

I dont think i should be doing anything. Yet i do anyway. I shouldnt be obsessing over what other people think. i should be focusing on more important things. i sometimes do. sometimes when i do, the important things are succesful other times they need more work. But i do them anyway. And sometimes i get tired. Im undisciplined. Im not sure when im doing the right thing. I cant tell what other people think. I dont know what they want. I dont think anyone wants me like i want them. I cant focus on whats important. I cant seem to feel like myself. I feel powerless to be able to enact what i wish. I dont want to hurt anyone. I should take more risks. I'm not organizing my thoughts in an understandable way. I'm a dissapointment. I do not project or express what is i actually want.

I could change things about me. I can try agreeing with myself. I can try positive affirmations. I should be grateful. I have a lot to be thankful for. I am loved. I can count on the help of others. I have love. Ive been there for others. I have been through worse. I need to be strong. Others depend on me.

I could be manipulated. Ive been hurt. Ive hurt others. I need to be better not better at apologizing. I can be happy without hurting others. I am not undeserving of pleasure. I am not alone. Its ok to cry. Its ok to mourn and grief.

[roseceles]

#0 (10/22/19)

Hey I really have so much i wanted to keep sharing with you. But I cant think of myself now. I hope you are pasandola en verdad. You have no idea how hard this has been. I love you.

[roseceles]

#12 (04/09/20)

This is the longest i havent talked to you. I miss you. I dont know why I'm being drawn to your friends. I'm not sure if i trust a lot of them. Im not sure if i trust anyone. I feel the only people i can trust right now are you and *****. I wish we could have our conversations again. I wish you could go with me to chicago and see so many of your favorite bands. I dont want to think this was pointless and random. I hope i can make the best out of all of this. The world is scary right now. I think that might be why i feel im going paranoid. I overthink so much. I love you. please come back

[roseceles]

#11 (03/03/20)

I feel i talk to you everyday now. You're in my mind every time i feel lingering doubts or feel your advice is needed. Somehow its easier now than it was before to accept this new reality, this new connection we have. It's as if you were always there just waiting for me to find you. I still cry everyday though whenever i think about you. Part of me wishes that connection could feel more tangible and i wouldn't have to just imagine you talking to me. You don't have the answers to everything. You can't be (and literally arent, lol) here for me whenever i feel i need to talk to someone. I don't know what to do for your tribute zine. A video, a badly drawn picture of you, a poem, a music visualizer, a message for your friends and family, one of these letters perhaps? I cant decide, i don't know whats best. I want keep believing its really you whenever i imagine myself talking to you. I know that seems impossible, and highly improbable unless you broke the rules of time and space. I don't care. I miss you. And i wont be in denial of your presence.

[roseceles]

#10 (02/18/20)

Sometimes i like to think that whenever something random happens, like the next song on shuffle being on point, or a coincidence i might see on a video or tweet is you waving your invisible hand from wherever you're at. As little as I believe in actual spirits or ghosts, i want to think that when you left this earth, the molecules making up your body went into the air and carried about your desires to an atomic level. I'm probably never gonna feel better about you being gone. I hope i'm doing the right thing in trying my best to keep your memory alive even though you wished to completely disappear. Is that greedy of me? So many people still miss you so much. I think the best thing to do is just keep your memory alive between all of us. I'll do my best to make that happen. I hope thats ok with you. Thought of you as my mountain top Thought of you as my peak Thought of you as everything I've had but couldn't keep

[roseceles]

#9 (02/10/20)

Im in the air right now. I wonder if you are able now to fly along. This plane is full and im making a full of myself sobing in front of everyone. Its 2am though so i think everyones asleep and not paying attention to me. more than anythong in the world i wish i could see you again. i wish we could talk. i wish i knew better what it is you want to leave behind. I dont know if ill ever stop missing you.

[roseceles]

#8 (02/04/20)

I miss you. I met a friend of yours better recently. She's super nice and bubbly and reminds me a lot about you. We talk about you sometimes. I guess you've already sent your own share of signals over what ive been doing. No se, you do you. I'll try my best. I've also been listening to a lot of your favorite music. Might be wrong though. I'm honestly just letting myself get carried away by your last fm and playlists left over. Youre always in my mind. Youre always in my heart. I hope you were able to see the good place finale. i hope someday we meet again.

[roseceles]

#7 (01/29/20)

I'll never know you like you know yourself. You always shared everything with everyone so i don't feel as special anymore but yet this also shows how open and honest you were to all of us. I truly believe the love you gave me and everyone was genuine. I'll never forget it and i just wish i could do more for you.

[roseceles]

#6 (01/27/20)

I FUCKING PASTED OVER IT TRYING TO COPY THE NOTE HERE AND CANT RECOVER IT, FUCK

[roseceles]

#5 (01/14/20)

Real talk, what if i do a performance based on your playlist of digging out of that hole? Too much? Should i name names????? I honestly wonder if this is in good taste or not. I mean, maybe youd be ok with it, and would be like wow thats awesome, but also, maybe youd recognize that most people are gonna be extremely confused. Like how much context is too much??? Should i perform it all as if it where you on stage? Holy shit i already got glasses that look like yours. Umm... wow. But now that i think about it... maybe this isnt the best show for it? or is it? its like a punk show. Ugh.

Im kinda surprised that im not actually sad writting this letter for you (for once) but still wonder what you might be thinking. Woop, fuck that, there it is. Just needed to listen to my playlist to get it. damn, guess you've decided to haunt this playlist huh? Now i feel like maybe referencing you during my performance but not lean in so hard. This is the 9th wave all over again. Goddamit i miss you. You go, go, and you dont come back.

[roseceles]

#4 (01/08/20)

Hey

So the big one 'maybe' happened? Not sure but everyone is tense thinking that a stronger earthquake might come. I wonder how you would be doing without electricity about now. I wish you'd come back. I visited you again this weekend like i said. lol, me trying to believe in your presence letted you chose the next song on shuffle and you chose'd Hello Seahorse's No Encuentro Nada. I had vivid dreams about you this weekend to and im trying to convince myself that its really you but i cant seem to do that yet.

Crazy guy, thinks this is deep, thinks it meant to be, more than anything i can think of, i'm ready to try. Maybe I should try having an experience with friends to see if i can connect... My internal narrative of seeking closure cant help feeling that your story is far from done and all i want is to make it as best as it can be. Im trying to figure out if i want to do things for you what and how they should be. Like a video? a poem? a performance? Would you want me to call out your aggressors again?? I should probably connect more with your friends. The holy moment perhaps is indeed between all of us remembering and sharing things about you.

I love you so much. I sometimes wonder what wouldve happened if we never broke up, would we just hate each other? was our relationship great because of its limits? I dont know. I love you. Please talk to me more. I love you.

[roseceles]

#3 (01/03/20)

More friends are leaving the island and im starting to feel more alone than i have in a long time. I wonder what you would do if you needed to move out. You'd probably be fine, we'd stay in touch online and stuff. I can't really seem to focus on what it is i want my goals and resolutions to be. I've gotten so unfocused lately. I already sent you my initial goals concerning your memory but im not sure what I personally want. Some guesses:

-Political data investigative journalism initiative.

-more music

-more videos and mixes concerning feelings and ideas.

I wonder if I should actually move out of the island over love. N**** seems to symbolize in a way all i ever wanted in a partner. I have literally no complaints about them. And yet im in doubt. I still cant believe someone like them would love someone like me. Or maybe im not surprised? Maybe this is what i've always though would happen since i was 14 and began dreaming of a life of only girls.

You think im having doubts because of my lack of meds? its possible. Should i keep searching for partners? maybe not. Should i be more assertive in my intentions and such? I feel a force of me regretting improving myself and giving myself things i felt i deserved before my improvement and how i dont deserve them at all. Its such a strange feeling.

I still have yet to feel you around me. Whats up with that? I mean, i know i have my suspicions that i was never that important to you (that i need to constantly reaffirm myself arent true) but yeah, i really want to believe in ghosts and spirits and you just sorta being around somehow. I'll probably visit you this weekend and tell you some of this. Youre not even bones, just dust, and i never thought that would make me feel less connected to you spiritually. Im glad i was able to see you one last time in the funeral. You looked so pretty! Like you couldve just woken up at any moment. I've only really had one dream of you all this time and it was you texting me while i was at a Hives reunion show in someones house. Did you even like The Hives? I know i put them in a mix for you once. The same mix i said i would eventually marry you. lol.

Isn't this silly and aren't you beautiful?

P.S. I do feel you sometimes actually, and its almost always that you are completely at peace. I'm also incredibly high when i feel this so take that as you want.

[roseceles]

#2 (12/30/19)

I want to say i feel you all around but i rarely do. My agnosticism has never shown so hard, lol. Did you see all the crap thats been coming out these past days? I dont think you've missed anything too important. Maybe the good place finale but we dont know yet if its worth living a few more months just for that.

Do you think its weird that im being friends with *******? Theyre cool but definetly not someone i guess id have met or asked to hang out with on my own. I know theyre really important for you though, and more so than by myself, i feel your spirit around them and that fills me with calm. I'm not there yet. I'm writing this trying to better understand how it is im supposed to experience you now that you arent physically here.

Id do so much for you. I wish i could have a long list of things you wished you could've done so i feel less lost. All i want is to do whatever wouldve made you happy, and not knowing completly what that that would be is what makes me tear up the most. I might as well what i guess those things could be so far.

-Take care of the ones you loved and have left behind, including your parents, *******, ********, ******, ***** (and maybe myself???) OH AND ***.

-Try to keep you humor alive. Perhaps ****_**** 2.0?

-Your art. We are keepsaking it for us right now, but i wonder how much you liked sharing outside your local group. You were always trying to hustle so i dont think you'll mind if we do it for good intentions and share your art with others.

-Your writtings. We can keep most of those private. Maybe share some with *********? ********? others that knew and roleplayed with you?

I dont know if you dint want to worry anybody with your health outlook. I still wish i had talk to you one last time before it happened. I feel good knowing you were with those close to you and in calm. I hope somehow you're happier than you ever were. I'll always love you.

[roseceles]

#1 (12/30/19)

hey

Im still not sure if im overthinking our friendship sometimes. I dont know what to think of what we had even though we've always talked about it. I wish i knew how to keep you in my memory and in those of others in a way you would like. Did you just want to fade away? Should i just let everyone forget about you? I want to talk to you again so bad. I wish you could have left me a list of things to do. I wish i could talk to you about everything ive been feeling. I wish you could tell me you werent afraid of dying. I miss you. Where's that *** book i gave you? Why do i feel like i'll never love anyone as much as you right now?

I met a girl a month ago who I still cant believe loves me as much as i love them. Someone who hasnt made me feel as happy about love since you and I first met. Did this happen because of you? I dint think i would ever love anyone as much as i loved you ever again. I remember telling you and S**** about Nico. Nico was the imaginary female personification of me i always would talk to since i was young. Ever since you passed, i feel Nico has come to life through N**** and you have replaced their presence. Its a weird feeling and mixture of balance and I cant help but wonder if any of the conversations i have with you are real at all.

Why would you listen to me out of all the people that miss you? Why cant i feel your presence? If i couldve seen you just once more. Tell you how much you are adored. Theres no point anymore. Waiting for the call from beyond. Waiting for something with meaning to come through...

Himlen vet att jag saknar dig nu

Я люблю тебя, Габриэлла