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rotemmi · 3 years ago

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10/04/22

I feel like I'm *this* close to having a fucking breakdown. Why did I open my mouth? Literally, everything was fine I should have just kept fucking quiet. I don't know why I sabotage every good thing that happens to me. I just want him to love me. Like actually love me. That can't breathe, dying to hear your voice love me. Why can't I just be normal and content with what I have? I hate myself so fucking much like god just take what you get and don't complain. I say as I fucking complain.

He's not responding to me and I get it. I wouldn't respond to me either. But he makes me feel so fucking crazy. I'm so desperate for his attention that it makes me sick to my stomach. I feel like a child begging for a piece of candy.

One of the issues I brought up with him is he's so good at placating me. He's great at de-escalating situations so I don't think about them until the same thing happens again and then I freak out again and the cycle repeats itself. It's been like this our whole relationship. And if I keep pressing the issue like I did tonight he acts like a kicked puppy. I hate to say this, but man up. Just argue back. Defend yourself. Do anything. Just stop fucking saying "it's fine" and calling me dear and love over and over again. We're having a serious conversation stop trying to mitigate my feelings.

I don't know what else to say. I'm going to go to bed now. I'll update you tomorrow when (re: if) he texts me back.

See ya,

Emmi <3

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rotemmi · 3 years ago

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10/03/22

We are now a month into the new semester and I'm already struggling. I told myself this time would be different, but I'm already giving in to my Sisyphean shortcomings. I need to figure out how to stay motivated, but I don't even know where to start. At least I did my assignment that's due tonight. Like yeah, I got a 76 on it but that's better than a zero. I have to watch this show for my sociology class and I think it's going to be interesting I just have no motivation to start it and the first draft of the paper I have to write on it is due next week. I also have an interview (possibly two) on Thursday that I am so fucking nervous about. I need the job so desperately that I am willing to do just about anything to get it.

I kind of regret quitting the cafe gig. I should have stuck it out until I had something else lined up, but I was so upset and I just couldn't stand being there while everything crumbles around me. I still haven't completely forgiven Jac for that. I mean they knew I was sleep deprived. They dropped the ball on Friday when they knew I was getting on a plane. They knew I had gotten three hours of sleep on Monday and STILL quit out of the blue when they were supposed to open. So yeah, maybe I made a snap decision, but can you blame me? Wouldn't you do the same if you were in my position? And now I'm just supposed to forgive and forget and pretend like everything's fine? They get to live it up while their parents take care of them and I have to struggle to find of job and question my self-worth every damn day. Like I just don't know what to do. I'm angry. I'm angrier than I've ever been before and it's scaring me. This is the longest I've ever harbored this much disdain for someone and they're supposed to be my best friend. We live together for Christ's sake. We're supposed to be together forever, but right now seeing them every day and acting normal feels like my own personal purgatory.

I'll update you again when I have more to say. I think I'm going to try to sleep off some of my bad feelings.

See ya,

Emmi <3

Update: 11:42 PM

So I picked a fight with my boyfriend I guess. My friends say it wasn't me picking a fight but now I feel terrible about it. So yesterday I asked my bf if he wanted to spend Thanksgiving with my family this year (FYI we're long-distance). I asked him at like 1PM yesterday and he didn't respond until after 8PM. And he said he'd have to figure out his work schedule and see if he could come down. I was so excited and grateful that he was even considering it instead of shooting me down and I told him so. He never responded to me last night. He never texted me or called me today. I finally texted him at 9PM and said, "hello?" and he was like "sorry babe work was hell today. so what're the dates for thanksgiving?" so I told him that I understand he's busy with his new job but that isn't an excuse for him to put me on the back burner. I can't compete with his job, I'll never win that fight. He said he doesn't know what to say and he was sorry. I asked him if I could call him tomorrow and we could have an actual conversation about this but he didn't respond. I'm so confused and I don't know if I'm just being insane but Jac, Ryan, Emily, Jarrett, Charissa, Jake, and gina said I'm asking for the bare minimum. My mom thinks I need to cut him more slack and he's adjusting to a new job. I don't know. I wish there was an objective answer. I wish I knew what was right and wrong. I just wish everything was different.

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