rottingfontanels

[rottingfontanels]

11 november 2023

6

i want to try something new.

as a kid, i believed in ghosts. i used my mom's kindle to download ghost hunting apps and used my ouija board and my mom even put together some children's detective supplies into a makeup box and gave it to me as a present one year. nowadays in my twenties, i'm a staunch skeptic. i know ghosts aren't real– neither are demons, ghouls, cryptids, or anything of the like. but i want so, so badly for them all to be real. can you imagine what it would be like to be an actual ghost hunter? getting calls to help cleanse a house or fight off a demon? that would be amazing. i should keep watching supernatural.

slightly related to that, i think i could be susceptible to some kind of mania. i know i'd be susceptible to cult psychology very easily– i'm a people pleaser, way too awkward to exit situations or put my foot down for my own good, etc. i also crave community and love and affection, and i'm way too hard on myself, especially when it comes to feeling like i 'deserve' things. so i'd definitely be an easy target for a cult, and i probably would already have ended up in one if a) i weren't so shy and b) i didn't have the self awareness/critical thinking skills as i like to think i have. in the same vein, i think i could be susceptible to conspiracy theories because of my distrust in large, generally trustworthy organizations and my distrust in myself and my own judgment. i'm not really sure of anything, ever, and i'm afraid of being sure of something because i don't want to be wrong. i worry about corporations and governments what i like to think is the fair amount, but at times i've listened to conspiracy theorists and while i disagree, i still see the thought process. i see very clearly how people end up with outlandish and illogical beliefs, like i can see the path itself in my head. and i can see myself, in another universe or something, having taken that path. or maybe even taking it in the future. it worries me, honestly. i don't want to end up going down the 'cottagecore organic wistful person to hardcore right wing conspiracy theorist' pipeline. that genuinely scares me. so i keep myself in check as much as i can. when it comes to spirituality and/or religion, i feel like it's similar. it would probably be more difficult, but i think i could end up being a very spiritual or religious person if i threw myself into it. if i felt like i needed something like that. there was a very short time in high school when i tried to be christian, trying to memorize prayers and whatnot. i even wanted my own rosary because my dad has one. it was a phase though, like a lot of things in my life at the time, and it faded. but what if i tried again? i have that thought kind of often. same thing with spirituality and crystal type stuff. my dad is christian and my mom is pagan. i have a way closer relationship with my mom, and to be honest, i respect her and her religion a lot more than my dad and christianity as a whole. i could definitely see myself becoming a hedge witch. that's kind of my dream come true, honestly. if only magic was real. if only ghosts were real.

i was watching ghost files with my dad earlier tonight when i thought about the ouija board still on the top shelf of my closet. i told my dad a little bit about my idea: what if i used my ouija board every night and got really into it? what if i tricked my brain into truly believing in ghosts and demons and other supernatural things? i think it could happen. and i honestly want to do it because it sounds fun and i'm bored. what's uprooting your already fragile mental stability and worldview for a bit of fun, right? i know i'm being dramatic; my sanity probably doesn't hinge on this. but what if it does? what if i develop something that i can't go back from? maybe this is a bad idea.

anyway, i had my first ouija board session tonight. i lit four candles, turned off all my lights, muted my phone, got my late grandfather's necklace, and tried. i asked questions and rambled about myself to my empty bedroom. i glanced in the mirror a few times. i thought very negatively about myself, not on purpose. i tried to keep everything i said neutral though. i don't want to reject 'negative' entities like demons, because i figure those might be the most interesting encounters, but i also don't want to come right out of the gate talking shit about myself. it wasn't entirely a bust. i meditated for a few minutes and that was nice. but the planchet didn't move, and i don't think i 'sensed' anything other than a sleepy heaviness. i think i'm just a bit tired.

hopefully i'll dream of ghosts tonight. maybe i'll be visited by something. maybe i'll dream of the future. maybe it's all real and i just need to believe in it. i don't think that's how it works, but what if it does? i might as well try. i'm not doing anything else valuable with my time.

i should be. i have homework due. but at least staring at a ouija board is time away from my screens. i really need time away from screens.

[rottingfontanels]

15 february 2023

5

i'm enjoying writing poetry. i'd like to post some, but i'd also like to someday share these, and i don't want anything linking this account to my real self. but it doesn't really feel like it matters terribly; i have no one to read it here, and i can't think of anyone to read it to in my life.

that's okay. i think my writing is better when i let it sit, then come back to edit it later. there are always things i miss.

[rottingfontanels]

3 february 2023

4

hi

i wrote a poem today

my hair is getting longer

i'm not feeling good, but i'm trying

i'm sad and tired and quiet. i have work to do

today isn't that great so far.

sorry

[rottingfontanels]

28 june 2022

3

CONTENT WARNING: mentioned eating disorder (does not apply to myself), talking about issues with eating, talking about depression and not-so-pretty mental health stuff etc.

hi! today's been a pretty nice day. i woke up around noon again (i'm blaming summer break for my sleeping schedule) and felt way too sedentary just sitting at my computer, so i did another load of laundry (my hamper is now EMPTY!!!! i just have three small baskets of sorted loads to do individually!!!!) and then went on a walk to my favorite spot.

i think i've probably already mentioned it, but there's this marsh (used to be a manmade lake) near me. it has really nice trees, little footpaths to walk through the wooded areas, and then once you get to the park there's this lovely little place hidden away by trees. on one side there's a stone bench thing (just a big rectangular stone) and a tree with pink flowers, and on the other side in its own little area is this wonderful tree. i think it might actually be two trees! anyway it's perfect for climbing, and i love to sit in that tree and read, or just look out at the not-lake and listen to the birds.

when i'm alone out there i feel... not sad. i feel calm. the surroundings are so beautiful. today though, i was climbing around other spots on the tree and i heard someone say something from the ground. not a lot of people come by this spot. i looked down and saw some guy who looked to be in high school, who lightheartedly said he'd find a different tree to climb. i offered to leave but he said it's fine and left. it's interesting, i've never seen another person climb the tree before. granted i've only been coming to the tree for a few weeks and not visiting daily, and it would be really surprising if no one else climbed the tree so perfect for climbing. then a bunch of loud children showed up. they left, i watched the sun set over the trees, and went home.

when i got home i told my mom about this song and animation project that went with it. it's about a fandom we both used to be really into, but i think even as my interest has had it peaks and valleys, hers has dipped low and isn't coming back up. i want to show her things! i want to watch animatics or ocean explorations or nature documentaries with her. but it seems like our interests don't line up, or she's just too busy. it hurts, and i feel bad for hurting over it. it's not like i'm angry at her, it's not something she can control, but...

i can't really talk to anyone about this one fandom. i feel anxious posting openly about it because it has a bad reputation. the media itself isn't, like, sketchy or problematic or anything though. it's just something that got way overexposed and people started getting annoyed by it because younger and louder people in the fandom were being way too much... that brings up another point– i feel like there's no one else my age who likes this Thing. but i still love it so much even after two years. the last obsession that was as strong as this was my detroit: become human phase. i never even played the game, i kid you not, but i still absolutely loved it and immersed myself in the fandom for literal years. before that it was musicals.

my entries here tend to be longwinded and ramble-y because there's so much on my mind that i just don't talk about. when i talk to my close friends there aren't really opportunities to ramble. it's not like they're about to stop whatever we had been talking about and go "q, what are your latest fixations?" (i'm going to call myself q on here i guess.) i can't just interrupt a conversation or dump a bunch of information on someone about a topic that they don't care about. that's how i lose friends. that's how people start finding me annoying and selfish and conversation-ruining.

my therapist already knows what i'm about to type– or she would, if she knew i was typing this right now. she sees the pattern is what i'm saying. that pattern is double standards. i will listen to my friends ramble about their interests for as long as they want. i love hearing them talk, even when it's not something i'm interested in. admittedly sometimes i'm just not in the mood, or i'm actively disinterested or mildly annoyed or in a bad mood– those days are bad and i always feel guilty for them. because i know how it feels to be brushed off. i know how it feels to have something that makes your heart want to explode and makes your hands flap and makes your brain buzz because you're so happy and excited and all these ideas want to come bursting forth, only for the person who you wish would listen just... stops. sometimes you can just see it in their face.

i don't feel heard a lot of the time. i don't even consider myself a quiet kid– guy? i dunno it feels weird calling myself kid even though i don't feel like an adult ever– but i'm pretty sure that in my parents' eyes i'm quiet. whenever i do get to ramble (to my mother and my therapist only, because they are morally and financially obligated to listen respectively /hj) my throat will typically be hurting by the end because i never talk that much in one go. sometimes i don't even feel heard by my therapist or my mother. sometimes i feel really, really alone. sometimes i wonder what it would be like if i just stopped talking, how much would genuinely change. i know a lot would change, logically speaking, but... i dunno.

there's a strawberry banana smoothie to my right. it actually said '100% fruit' on the bottle so i checked the ingredients and it said there's strawberry puree, banana puree, apple juice, pear juice, lemon juice, and natural flavors. that's great, but it got me wondering. what are natural flavors? what exactly are they? what are the chemical compounds? where do they come from? what percentage of actual juice is that pear, apple, and lemon juice? are all of these pure?

actually, thinking about the smoothie makes me a bit happy. it's sort of melancholy though. i don't know why, but in the past year or so i've been struggling with eating. i don't think i have an eating disorder and neither does my therapist, but there are days when i sink so deep into depression that i just can't be bothered to eat. there are days when i don't think it's worth it, or that i don't deserve it (but those 'deserve' days were a long time ago and haven't happened in a while). there are days when i have to eat certain things because of rules my brain sets for no reason. there are days when i stress out about health and nutrition and forego eating altogether so i don't eat something unhealthy. ironic, i know. there are days when i try to eat, but everything tastes bad and the texture is bad and even though i can feel my stomach is empty, i swear i don't feel hungry.

these days have been a bit more few and far between lately. i still don't eat a lot– usually on an average day i'll eat one big meal, either at noon or at like midnight. my meals also aren't balanced. here i go stressing about nutrition again... anyway, on good days i'll have two meals and on really good days i'll have three. on bad days... well i don't usually go a whole day without eating. a bad day would be when i eat one meal and then feel crap about it. yeah.

anyway! the whole point of this, the smoothie making me happy– i actually opened up to my mom a few months ago about my issues with eating. i sort of did it in a kind of subtle way because my dad was going to the store and i asked him to pick up smoothie of some kind. he shrugged and left. i then clarified to my mom about my eating stuff, and that smoothies can make it a little better. offer a bit of nutrition without a) worrying about healthiness, b) worrying about texture or taste (i just chug), and c) worry about actually making or putting together something to eat. smoothies can help me when i haven't eaten all day and my hands and legs are too shaky.

so yeah, for the past couple months my mom has been picking up big bottles of smoothies when she goes grocery shopping. it makes me happy, really makes me feel seen and cared for. not like i don't feel cared for otherwise, it's just that the smoothie thing is special because it's a struggle of mine that i was scared to open up about, and she gets them without me even asking. my mom is absolutely wonderful, and i love her so much.

it's past 1:30am... i should drink my smoothie and go to bed. nothing more to it. goodnight<3

[rottingfontanels]

26 june 2022

2

today is .

i woke up just before noon - last night i stayed up way too late, probably past 2am

i was regressed for a little while and felt happy . i was imagining a caregiver and i was happy

i'm an age regressor (age dreamer? i'm not sure) and it shouldn't even have to be said but i use the coping mechanism non-sexually. i hate that i even have to state that.

today i feel gross. i need to shower. i need to take my medication. i need to start getting ready for my summer class. i need to clean my room. i need to pay more attention to my dog.

i'm doing this to myself, obviously- piling up everything i need to do or should do until i get overwhelmed and do none of it

but today is a good day to rot

it's cloudy

i woke up so late

no one is home

it's a good day to rot

i was going to tell you about my past couple days . but it's a good day to rot so i think i'll do that later. forgive me.

[rottingfontanels]

24 june 2022

1

good morning. it's currently quarter past 10am, and i just finished my morning routine. it's a pretty small routine– i get up, brush my teeth, take my meds, wash my face, moisturize my face, and put on lip balm. then i'm all set to do whatever!

the past few days have been a bit difficult. i had three or four really amazing days, and then as soon as i got home to rest, i spiraled and ended up in a depressive episode. my routines were out the window. it reminded me a lot of when i was in high school, but this time around is a lot better even if it's still not good.

even though my mental health has been rough, yesterday i did some good things. my dog woke me up at 6am, so i got up and made sure she had everything she needed. since i was already up i had a bowl of cheerios. this is pretty big for me, since i hardly ever eat breakfast and have an overall bad relationship with eating. then i went back upstairs to relax and at some point ended up dozing off. i'm pretty sure the previous night i had gone to bed at around 1 or 2am, so napping after waking up at 6 makes sense. i woke up from my nap around 2pm, pretty upset that i wasted the day.

so i decided to un-waste it! i got dressed and went on a walk. there's a really lovely place near my house with lots of greenery, bugs, and wild animals. i walked around there and went to my favorite spot: a tree overlooking the marsh. i sat under the tree for a while, got bitten by a caterpillar twice i think, and then climbed the tree to read my book. it was really nice!

i even had some good creative ideas!! i'm currently writing and sketching out some stuff, and even thinking about rewriting this thing that i'm into that wasn't made in a text medium. i would take quite a few creative liberties and overall try to make it into a genuine book-level story. worldbuilding, setting those rules, et cetera. it would be really fun... but the first thing that comes to mind is how fast i would be to abandon it.

anyway, after my walk i got home, talked on discord a bit, drew, and then made dinner! i made kraft mac n cheese. it didn't taste very good, but i was super hungry so i ate a lot of it anyway. usually in my house, whoever cooks a meal for everyone doesn't have to do the dishes. my mom ate with me. maybe it was selfish, but i kind of expected her to do the cleanup afterwards. all that was left was the strainer, wooden spoon, and pot with the leftovers. but when i went downstairs to lock up around midnight the pot was still on the stove with the leftovers in it. i felt really sad about that. it feels like a waste of food.

i know this is bad of me, but i didn't put the leftovers away then either. i just went upstairs and went to bed. i haven't been downstairs yet this morning to see if the pot and leftovers have been put away.

i also had a really vivid dream last night! my dreams are hard to describe but i'll try to lay it out in a way that makes sense...

so initially it took place in this big skyscraper-like building in a downtown area. i think it was supposed to be some kind of summer camp, but the camp counselors were exploiting the kids who were sent to the camp (i was one of the kids). instead of activities, we were forced to stand at standing desks with computers, handcuffed, and draw the counselors' characters for some kind of promotional thing. all of us were struggling with drawing. we were hungry and tired and scared. the counselors were really, really scary.

at one point, i was looking around the different keys on the keyboard and pressed f1. the building's alarm went off. the f1 key must have been linked to the alarm system, and immediately i was utterly devastated. i don't think i've ever felt such helpless fear as that moment. i knew that once we were all evacuated and the counselors found out it was a false alarm, they would find whoever tripped the alarm and punish them. i don't remember what exactly i thought would happen, but i know it would hurt, and that i might even die.

as we made our way down the stairs and out onto the sidewalk right beside a main road, i was having a meltdown. i sat down on the pavement, wailed and screamed, and scraped my bare feet against the concrete until i had ground away the bottoms of my heels. i was bleeding now. i knew i was going to die. i had to do something. i was already going to die, so i decided screw it.

there were cars going by on the main road. i threw myself onto the curb, waving my bound hands and screaming for help. most of the cars kept driving, but one stopped. i tried to tell them everything– how we're trapped, they're hurting us, this isn't a summer camp, everything. but i was so frantic that i couldn't articulate it very well. the worst part was that even though the counselors are terrifying and mean and hurt us, they never left bruises. i had no physical evidence of their wrongdoings. my bloodied feet were concerning, but i had done that to myself.

the car drove away. i think two more cars stopped and i tried to tell them as well, but with the same results. finally the counselors rounded everybody up, including me. the dream goes blank at this point– i assume we were all taken back inside.

that was the main part of the dream. after that, the scenery changed to a huge building in the woods. all the kids were still in a bad situation. my feet were bandaged, but for some reason only my left foot was ground down at the heel. i walked with a limp. i think i also wore a long off-white dress, something very plain and simple. i think i was tasked with helping the younger children. i think i might have been a girl at this point.

some strange things happened, all warped by the dream. i escaped. my point of view started switching back and forth. at this point i think it's too confusing to explain, so i'll end the recounting there. that was my dream last night.

when i woke up, my eyes still closed, i genuinely thought that i would open my eyes and find myself in a twin-sized bed in a massive room filled with other beds with the other kids. i thought i was there. it was kind of scary, actually. i'm glad that i'm here now.

what's my plan for today?

i'd love to go on another walk, climb that tree again and read my book. but i really need to do laundry. i think that as soon as i post this, i'll gather up dark clothes and do that load first. then once that's washing i can tidy up the kitchen if it's not clean already. we don't have bread to make toast– i'll have some tea instead. then i can carry on from there. i should brush my dog too.

i'll mention now that i haven't proofread this entry. probably silly since this is the very first entry, but i'm not in that mood. i'm in the mood to dump out all my thoughts and feelings and be done with it. consider it organic!

okay, i should go now. bye, i'll see you soon!

[rottingfontanels]

hello!

this is my diary blog. here i’ll post (hopefully) frequent updates on my day-to-day life. i want to stay as anonymous as possible, so i will not be doing an ‘about me’ page or anything. just know for interactions: i am over 18, and my pronouns are he/him/his.

i’m more than happy to scream into the void. i’ll talk on this blog as if i’m addressing people, regardless of if anyone even finds this.

if you are seeing this, then hi! i hope you have a nice day.

first update soon!