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love

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I’m gonna do it! I’m gonna do the dishes!

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one time my mom and i were talking about autism and she said if i got it from anyone i got it from my dad, a man who has been buying and sorting pokemon cards for several months straight and likes to memorize license plates and then quiz my mom on them. and then she remembered that my father is not actually biologically related to me (#childofdivorce) and lost her shit laughing. i got that proxy autism

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The fact that animals that care for their young will sometimes adopt others' lost or orphaned young to raise along their own is just funny to me. I know that it's all hormonal and there's no conscious thought involved in it, but the internal logic of it is so funny.

"Baby = success. More baby = more success. I have one baby and I found four other baby. I have five baby. I am being so fucking successful right now."

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Since being diagnosed with cancer my husband has become very willing to step into arguments at his workplace and elsewhere because “nobody wants to be seen yelling at the guy with brain cancer” and so far his success rate is shockingly high.

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Biodiversity can be achieved through executive dysfunction!

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just saw a birth announcement thing that was like "3 inches went in. 19 inches came out" and i am on the floor in tears i'm laughing so hard what is wrong with heterosexual people

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kinda wanna "please daddy 🥺" my way into getting filled to the brim with cum.

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tell me how pretty my pussy is while you eat it like you're starving.

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Realllllllllll

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