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[roughdaysss]

My Future

Rough day 9 // June 29 2017 It's less than 3 months to my most important yet stressful exam of my entire life. I'm so stress out on the fact that i don't know what choice of course i want and mainly on where imma go. I'm so stressed up because i know i'm behind in my studies, especially POA, science and maybe maths & science. But i definitely need to buck up with my Social Studies an English. Hopefully i could get to PFP but that requires me to score single digits for my nLevel which would be impossible with the rate that i'm going and why single digit? For me to go to courses that i want and not not about engineering. Hopefully, if everything goes smoothly, i'd be able to go event management on dpp, but then again, will this make me have a living for my future? Own a house? A happy family? Live without debts? That's the questions that's always tumble in my head which is why i'm so confuse in what course i want to take. Well, we'll see what's your decision then in December, hope everything runs well for me. 🤞🏻

[roughdaysss]

Do i?

Rough day 8 // 31st May 2017 I'm here again, where it all started. I'm so fucked up, i don't know what to fucking do. I'm not sure if i really do love her or just like the idea of me being in a relationship with someone but not loving them. It sucks, it really sucks, hoping one day will come and tell me that i do really love her and i'm scared to lose her. But all those hoping and waiting, the day still hasn't come. It's been way too long, i'm with her for almost 5 months now and i'm still not sure if my feelings are genuine, if i really do love her. I'm so different with her, i'm not so crazy into chatting. I'm not so clingy, i don't go messaging her again and again if she don't reply for a minute, i don't miss her like how i'm suppose to, i could go a period of not talking to her. That's so not me if i would to ever love a girl. Does this mean i don't love her? Does this mean i'm just giving her false hope? Then why am i still with her? To answer that question, i don't know, i really don't. I've been thinking about this alot, like how should i actually cut things off with her because it's isn't fair for her. I don't care about the karma for me in this one, i deserve it and she doesn't deserve the love i'm showing to her. She deserve much more, a guy that truly loves her and cares for her. But then again, i actually do love her. See, now you guys know how confuse i am. There'll be days where i feel like i love her so much but then again, there'll be days where i don't feel it's right. Like it's all so different, i know i've said this before but imma say it again. It's all different from the start you know? She liked me, she was the one to break the move and all. It happened way too fast and there wasn't a single effort in my part to make her my girlfriend, it was all her. Just a few days of getting to know her and poof, she's my girlfriend. Maybe that's the reason why i feel this way, maybe because we took things too fast but wouldn't the 5 months of being together fix all of this? I guess not cause i'm still here writing this shit up. Please bare with me, i'll come to my final decision, not soon but one day. One day i'll decide in what to do but the real question now is, do i really love her?

[roughdaysss]

Rough Day 7 // 11 April 2017 This was just a few hours or even minutes before you left us mummy Susan. 😔 look how happy and pretty you are here in this picture. I'm sorry mummy if i ever did something wrong towards you. I'm really deeply sorry. I remembered clearly when i showed you an attitude because you "accused" me making the kids the cry when i didn't. But the words i said wasn't meant to come out the way it did, and i was really sad after. Seeing you looking sad and hurt really broke my heart and i hope you were over and done with with that incident but i want to say is that i was really affected by my actions and i'm really guilty with it and that i'm really really sorry. We talked so much about how i'm gonna pay you in return of you giving me money when i was little, i kept telling you that i'll give you money once i start working and your reply was always, " mayta buhi pako ana dong " which really affect me now since you're gone and you can't see me be a grown man and earning my own money and finally giving you the money i always told you about. But i'll keep my promise mummy and that i'll give daddy Joel the money that i would give to you. ☝🏻you're in a better place now mummy, you were strong, so strong, suffered so much and i guess it's finally time for you to go. Yes, i understand mummy but i'm definitely not ready jud mummy, i wanna see you again, i wanna spend time with you. 😔 please take care of all of us mummy, i know you're well taken care of ontop there with your dad which si Lolo, mama Jessie and even Niño. I'll do whatever you tell me to do before mummy, me being a goodboy, me not talking back to my parents especially si mama. I'll work hard in my studies jud mummy, i'll have the right income in the future jud mummy. I love you so much mummy. 😔 i'll wear the watch you give me, i'm so sorry that you couldn't see me wearing it. I love you very very much mummy 😔i'm wearing the watch you gave me mummy 😞 i'll cherish this jud mummy 😞😞😞 please know that i love you very very very very much jud mummy. I know it's late for me to say this mummy and i'm really sorry for this mummy 😔 we'll meet again sooner or later jud mummy 😔 Rest in Peace mummy Susan, i love you very very much jud mummy. 😔❤

[roughdaysss]

Rough Day 6 // 10 April 2017 Can't believe it's been almost 3years since i fell for you. Since everything i didn't want it to happen, happened. Since hearing you say i love you to me sincerely. Since we were calling each other on the phone every night. Since we both loved each other. Truth is, i do really love you, but i just so blinded about our age gap. Yes, i was young, especially dumb. Dumb enough to not realise how much you loved me before, how you cried as you were hurt from me saying that age matters. Hurt from knowing that you won't stand a chance with me because of our age and especially distance. Yes, i understand, you were afraid, afraid that you'll get your heartbroken by me since you were way older than i am and had experience with this thing we call love. And yes, you were also afraid that we'll become like your parents where you dad is 4years younger than your mum and eventually things didn't work out for them. But truth is, i loved you, i loved you so much. There was even a point in time that i couldn't get over you for a period of time, 2 years to be exact. I loved you so fucking much but you just don't see it and rather went with a guy that just wasted your time when you could be with me. I remembered clearly like it was just yesterday where we met at your petrol station. Young and naive Justin buying prepaid from you as your shop was the only shop opened at that time. I heart skip a beat, you being so beautiful, of course my hear would skip a beat. I was with Baldo at that time, being Baldo, he went off to uncle Ryan and told him about you and said that i find you really attractive and wanted your number. And he immediately went to call you and asked whether if you're okay with him giving your number to me, and surprisingly, you said yes. From there, we started texting eachother day and night. There wouldn't be a day where we wouldn't text each other. From "hello" and "hi" to "iloveyou and "iloveyoutoo". That was us, saying iloveyou to eachother really frequent and saying that we miss each other when i was about to go back to Singapore. I do miss that. I miss everything about us. You were the best yet the worst thing that happened to me. But still i miss you. Even if it hurts me saying this, but all the best with you new guy, your husband. You got married exactly 10 days ago from today and i'm really happy for you. Seeing you happy also makes me happy knowing that i was once your everything while you were once my everything too. And don't get me wrong, i've moved on from you, a year ago to be exact. Trust me, it wasn't easy, knowing that i loved you so much and that i could see you now and then, it wasn't easy forgetting you. With also the fact that your family is close with me, which makes everything way way difficult. To end off everything, all the best to your future Lorraine Suico Ruelan, you will always have a place in my heart, mind and soul. Hope this marriage would be your first and your last, hope everything runs smoothly and that god has good plans for you. Lastly and probably my last time saying this, i love you so much Yoyen. 🙂❤

[roughdaysss]

Thankful

Rough Day 5 // 1 April 2017 As you can see, this isn't really a rough day blog. But instead, it's a blog where i just write everything i feel about everything happening in my life now. Let's start our first chapter where i'm thankful. I'm so blessed to have a roof and a cozy bed everytime i sleep. I'm so thankful that i have thoughtful parents that care and loves for me. I'm thankful that i can live another day healthy and problems free. I'm thankful for everybody around me ; the goods & the bads. Mainly because the goods are the one that's maintaining what i am today while the bads are the one that's improving what i wasn't yesterday. Let's start with Aidil, the one that i shared almost everything with. He's been with me through thick & thin, and been dealing with my craziness & annoyingness for the past 3years. Some may say 3years is a little while some may say 3years is alot but why care on how long when he has done so much that not even 10 people could do for me. I'm really thankful to have you in my life Aidil, forever & always my not so gayboy. ☝🏻 Secondly, the one where i shared my best memories with during primary school, Hlann Htut Kyaw while some of you know him as Dave. Yes, we may have went on our separate ways but the brotherhood is still there. I'm thankful for him as we basically grew up together and be the person we are today. I remembered like it was just yesterday where i was assigned to be his partner as he was new to the school. And he's from Myanmar which is perfect since i'm filipino. We clicked so well, exchanged jokes, became the jokers of the class, we basically did everything together. I even made him joined the CCA soccer which made us even closer as we played so much yet gained so much from it which was us being close. Keep this in mind that i'm forever here bro if you need me. ✊🏻 Thirdly, but don't get me wrong in this, i just placed you guys name on how i feel like so there's no order in it. But thirdly, is no other than my "bus buddy", Aden. Like what i said at the first point where i shared everything with Aidil? Well, i think i was wrong, i think i share more things with my life to Aden than Aidil, still love the both of you though. But Aden, thanks for tolerating my attitude for this past 3years too? Or 2years? I'm not sure haha, that shows how much we care about each other HAHA but one thing about our friendship is that we did not have any dramas inbetween and basically did not have any "fights" for our time talking. Eventhough we don't talk so much anymore but bare this in mind that i'm only 9 numbers away if you need someone to talk to or to rant and don't worry, i'll do the same if i need someone to talk to or rant. 👊🏻 Fourthly, my first yet bestest bestfriend, "Don't Press". We knew eachother from instagram, like those posts where you have to comment and she'll tell what she feels about you blahblahblah. Well, me being cheeky, i pretended that i didnt know she had my number which made her to message me and which we continued talking from there. Hais, the memories, yes, alot has changed between us. Like alot, comparing our conversation a year ago today and today, it's a whole lot different. But it's okay, life moves on, we both moved on. We have another significant other to our lives now and we're both mature enough to understand and respect it. But all i can say is that i should've cherished you before and not do all the things i did. But well, we're still talking which means i did keep my promise right? But all i wanna say is, goodluck in everything that you do & don't ever forget me because i was once your whole life. ✊🏻🌦 Lastly, it's for my "bitch ass", i'm so thankful to have you all in my life. Yes, i really do, eventhough i know most of them way back when i was primary3, you guys still accepted me back eventhough i distant myself from you guys for a few years. And to Syaz, Sabby, Amir, Harith, Fariheen and Fazli, it was a pleasure knowing all of you. Eventhough we know eachother for a short period of time or let's say, we got close for a short period of time, i sure bonded well with y'all and really thankful to have you people in my life. Will always be my one and only "bitch ass". 🤙🏻

[roughdaysss]

Rough Day 4 // 29 March 2017 This was one of our first pictures together and also my favourite one of all. I'm so stupid for wasting your time and effort on me. Sorry for all those empty words i said after doing something wrong. It's either you deserve someone better or i'd do anything to change. But change needs time and i don't think you have the patience to wait and also i'm tired of letting you down over and over again. It's not fair, it was never fair on your side. I can see you're serious about us, you cried a few times whenever we got argued. Yes, i see everything. But maybe it's time for you to see that you deserve so much better. Please find a good guy, a one that takes good care of you, a one that wouldn't break your heart like i did, a one that you won't get tired of, a one that loves you with all of his heart. I truly love you, but i'm really confused with how i really feel towards you. I might love you, but i don't know if it's huge or just tiny affection. But don't get me wrong, i'm blessed, honoured, happy that you were once in my life. Didn't regret all the times we spent together. All the drinkings, the jokes, the laughings, the ridings, our nicknames we called each other. Everything started with a " psst " and straight to an " i love you ", from " baboy " to " baby ", from " single " to " being attached with you ". You always have place in my heart G. As much as i hate saying this, goodluck with the next dude, please be happy, don't sweat the small stuff, find someone that loves you with all their heart. And to the next guy, please don't make the same mistake that i did. And bare this in mind that she's very clingy, i hope you like clingy girls cause apparently, i dislike it to a small extend. She likes neck kisses, especially kisses behind the ears, she loves it. I hope i could do all of these to you but i guess it's too late. Thanks for the 3 months and 29 days, i didn't regret a single thing. I'm so foolish to let you go, each letter i type, another tear will be flowing down my cheeks. I hope you realise how much you mean to me, i only cried for 2 girls and one is you. I do love you G, i'd take you back in my life anytime. We can be friends, bestfriends, whatever you want but please don't get hurt anymore if we do. I can't stand seeing you cry anymore because of me. I love you so so so much G, i really fucking do, it's so different with you. It's a blessing & a curse. Maybe i'm just blind for that seeing you changing for the best for me. // you called and you said you missed me, i can't take it but to fix everything up, i love you so much but i just had to type everything to make me realise everything. I love you very much G, i really really do. ❤

[roughdaysss]

Rough day 3 // 28 March 2017

As you can tell by the dates, it’s been long since i had a rough day. But this was something that’s been bothering me for quite a while now.

I’m with this girl since January 4 2017, let’s name her G. To be really frank, i don’t know my true feelings towards her. I don’t know if i really do love her that much or i’m in just for the sake of loving her. For sure i have that tiny love for her but what i’m really afraid of is breaking her heart. I can tell she loves me alot because she cried for me, not once, not twice, not even thrice but many times. That’s how i know her love for me is genuine. But i just can’t, i can’t just go to her and ask for a break up. It’s hard, knowing that i was once in her shoes, i just don’t wanna cut things off with her just because i’m unsure on how i feel towards her. It’s really unfair on her side but if i would to cut ties with her, karma’s a bitch so i’ll be dead.

But if me staying while she’s the only showing the love, wouldn’t it be better for me leave? For the sake of me and her? But more on her side as it’s really unfair for her to have such a guy like me. We’ve been through alot, she remembered alot about what i said when we were hanging out together. But i can barely only remember half of what we talked about. That’s how much i feel towards her :( i’m really confused in what to do. It’s not that i don’t love her but it’s really on how much i love her. Don’t get me wrong, i don’t wanna lose her. But it just feels so different, mainly because she was the one that liked me and did all the effort in trying to get me while i was in a state of trying to enjoy life happily without any boy girl relationship. I know, for a guy like me to focus on friends than having a girlfriend is really weird. But i had that intention back then as i saw the sun with birds singing when all these while i only saw the lighting and heard thunder all over. Maybe it’s because the effort wasn’t in there for my part but isn’t it all really bullshit to give that as reason why i feel this way?

But what i’m really scared now is for me to realise how much i love her only when i lost her. But also, i hate this saying where it goes something like this, “ easy come, easy go ”, i hate it cause she really came into my life easily and i’m afraid that she’ll leave me just like that. But by what circumstances, imma focus on what necessary for me and not dwell on the unnecessary. But whatever happens, please remember that i do actually love you and did not regret a thing for letting you in my life.

[roughdaysss]

Rough day 3 // 12 August 2016 Not really a rough day but this is where i just had a flashback of someone that meant something in my life before. You know you’re at the point where you miss someone but then you know you don’t need back? Like it’s okay to miss someone but that doesn’t mean you need them back in your life, missing someone is a part of moving on. I wasn’t really hurt when i let go of you, in fact, i was actually relieved, like finally i’m not a burden in your life and like i won’t ever break my promises that i had given you. But i got to admit it was not easy letting you go, it always got me thinking whether it was a good choice. Well, all i got to say is, seeing you happy makes me happy and for the next guy who you’re steady with, i hope he’s not gonna do the same mistake as i did cause you’re a fucking keeper but i just don’t see that before. You’re the one that never gave up on us but i was stupid, selfish, stubborn and whatever words which is negative which starts with the letter S, i’m all of that. I came to our usual “lepak” corner whenever we meet near your house, i came here as i felt like i really need to, and maybe this will be the ever last time i ever visit this place and sit here while listening to songs which usually the heart broken can relate to. From that being said, i hope you all the best in you life, both with your studies and non-studies, i really do the best for you, all of my words weren’t fake, it all came from my damn heart which basically means, i do love you. 😌

[roughdaysss]

Rough day 2 // 19 July 2016

Well, what can i say, nothing lasts, happiness doesn’t come from a person. It’s been a week and 2 days since we stopped. It stills hits me everytime seeing you happy and laughing around with other guys, i might be dumb to not have cherished you when all along you cherished me but as the saying goes, if you love her, let her go. I can’t seem to think of a reason why i left you, like everything was going smoothly. I think it’s just what i had to do, you had different guys coming in your life, i wasn’t your number 1 anymore, i’m not the first to know how is your day going, or how you’re annoyed about something or what you wanna do in the future and all that of good stuff. I love it when you talked about your day, it just makes me feel like you do want to talk to me. But lately, i think i ain’t getting all of that, it’s all going to another guy, and not me. And i hate it to say, i do have feelings for you before, well, maybe i still do but just really tiny ones. If god chooses us to not be together then by all means, you’re the best thing that happened in my life. I’m just stupid for not staying with you, it’s rare finding girls like you, but yes, i’m not surprise that you’ve given up in this fight too, you can never hide cause eventually you’ll get tired. To my bestest friend, you always have a place in my heart, i may not show that i miss you but trust me, i really do.

[roughdaysss]

Rough day 1 // 18 May 2016 • Where it all began

Today are the days where i get mad at unnecessary things for no apparent reason and be overthinking at small things which is actually not necessary. I just hate the fact that i’m really really jealous. Just by looking at you laughing with other guys already makes me feel i’m not good enough for you. I really had a thing for you , just that i think we have different intentions towards each other in our life. That’s some of the reason why i kept wanting to stop everything with you, i just can’t hold that thing forever with me. Don’t get me wrong, i do love you. Only that there’ll always be times our mind would collide and cause chaos. Knowing you’re the type of girl that’s persistent and usually goes for what you desire. You really can sometimes use that to good use and sometimes use it at a negative use. I like how you’re not giving up in our relationship and trying whatever you can to make us stay. I appreciate it alot. But one thing i do not want to happen is for us to stop and be total stranger when we see each other when before we meant our lives in eachother life’s. And one thing i really do not want happen is a mistake i did a few times before where i start loving a person only when i lost her.