roundie89

[roundie89]

2023

December 30th, 2023.

As always, I’d like to write about how my year went.

I grab my little old MacBook Air (which gets powered on like… 5 times a year?) and reflect about my life and how it’s going.

It’s very cathartic.

I tried to start writing it about two days ago, but it didn’t feel right… It really has to be the very end of the year.

Although I always post it on Twitter when I write, this is really just for me now.

I know that there are other chapters here for another person, but I’ll never delete them.

It shows the path I chose.

The choices I made.

And how all of those things led me to being who I am right now.

And I love that.

Because I love me now. Not all the parts - “it’s all a process” as my therapist would say. But I do.

————————

I’d like to reflect on the same themes as I did last year: A retrospective, a “looking forward to the future” message, and a thank you.

(These themes will probably go on for years)

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RETROSPECTIVE

My most listened song: you guessed it. Hard Feelings/Loveless by Lorde.

Yes, I hear it all the time. As I said one year ago in this very website, this song saved my life. And it still does.

Ever since I found out that music has power in me, I try to hold on to it for as much as I can.

It’s my medicine.

Although I’m not a lovelorn anymore, sometimes I do get reflective on the past… But this song comes and just washes it all away.

It brings me back to the nowadays. It breaks and mends my heart at the same time.

Maybe that’s why I still hear it all the time… It centers me.

As it says: “I care for myself the way I used to care about you”.

————————

It was a very important year to me.

I didn’t do all the things I wanted to do, but I started to do a lot more.

At the end of this is the year I decided I want to start changing a lot of things in my life. Make it move.

I took the last couple years fixing my head and my heart, and understanding a little about how magnificent and devastating life can be - a lesson that I believe we learn the answer to every day.

But, in December 2023, the very month I’m writing this message, I got a peak at what life is.

How much better, bigger and fascinating life can - and will - be for me.

————————

In the retrospective theme, I’d like to remember one moment that was very important for me in the year.

Long story short, I went to São Paulo for my birthday and there was a very specific moment which I’ll never forget in my entire life.

My birthday is May 1st and, on April 30th, me and some friends got together and went out to some bars in the downtown area of São Paulo.

While we were there, something (didn’t) happen, and I kind of got frustrated… (it’s all good though - It happened later in the year).

But anyways - I was kind of sad and wanted to shut the whole thing down, but (thank God) my friends didn’t let me.

It was close to midnight (which was going to be my birthday) and we were entering the subway to go to another bar.

I kept thinking “I can’t believe I’m gonna start my birthday sad”.

There wasn’t a lot of people on the subways, after all it was close to midnight.

Vicky, Castt, Kyna, Matheus and I were riding the subway’s Yellow Line.

Then it happened.

Midnight striked the clock and Kyna started to sing happy birthday on the subway to me.

Then the rest of our group did.

Then the rest of the subway did.

My head wasn’t sad anymore.

It was surprised.

Surprised that, everything bad I was feeling just a minute before, disappeared.

And surprised that happiness came and filled every vain in my body with gold in the blink of an eye (or the clap of a hand).

It seemed like a movie scene.

How every aspect of it was perfect.

I saw and felt everything in slow motion: the movement of the subway train, the look on my friends’ faces, all the hands clapping, the strangers’ smiles and their eyes pointed at me.

It’s so much bigger than what I could ever write here, but I’d like to eternalize this moment here so I can always remember the feeling of hope I had that night.

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“LOOKING FOWARD TO THE FUTURE” MESSAGE

Last year I said I was excited about what 2023 would bring me and… it was good!

It did bring me a lot of essential thoughts about how I live my life and moments that were crucial for my growth.

But I didn’t move one finger for it.

I’ll admit - I was very lazy.

So I promised myself that next year I’ll try.

I’ll try to change my life for the better.

I’d like to leave here a verse from a Taylor Swift song that got important enough to make it to my top songs playlist.

I know that the meaning is completely different than what she meant, but I find it funny how words can literally mean anything depending on the context they’re used.

I think it’s called “pragmatics” or something related to it? I don’t know… My linguist days are behind me now.

Anyway here it is:

“Half awake,

Taking your chance it’s a big mistake

(I said) it might blow up in your pretty face

I’m not saying ‘do it anyway’

But you’re going to”

It’s very interesting that the way she sings and the way the chords are arranged makes me feel like she is “forcing” me to make a big decision (that might blow up in my pretty face).

But also in a very seducing way. A way that if everything goes wrong - it’ll go really wrong.

But, if it goes right…

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I’m also really excited about Lorde’s next album. We don’t know anything about it yet but she sang two new songs live in August that I think are from it.

One of those was nicknamed “Silver Moon”, which I probably listened to that live version like 500 times…

Each Lorde album talks about a central emotion from a part of her life.

And I believe I’m updated to it. So I’m very interested in what the next album will talk about, because I’m sure it will translate my emotions for my next phase.

I would also like to leave a verse from that song here too:

“Every night the silver moon it changes,

Can you say the same? Do you stay the same?

[…]

Baby when the moon is gleaming,

With your heart open, breathe in

I would never dream of leaving”

I’d like to think that this is what I’ll feel like this next year. Changing and comfortable with it.

~

“The themes are always the same.

A return to innocence;

The mysteries of the blood;

An itch for the transcendental.”

Part of a poem that Lorde uses in her instagram bio, which I think I can understand what it means.

————————

THANK YOU

First of all, my friends. Which I don’t call them that way anymore.

They’re my family. And as I said last year and probably will repeat for the years to come: I would not be alive if it wasn’t for them.

But this year I also want to thank the man with the hat (you know who you are) and the beautiful woman for helping and looking out for me every step of the way.

I’m very happy I got the chance to meet you both and I hope we get to talk again next year.

(I would never meet them without my mother, Victoria - the main reason I’m still alive - so, a special thanks to you)

Goodbye.

[roundie89]

looking back (just a little)

Ah! The last day of the year...

I always feel like I want to say something at these times but I don't know exactly what... a retrospective maybe? a thank you? a "looking forward to the future" message?

Because of my Fear Of Missing Out I feel like I should say something that helps me define who I am... "but what does FOMO have anything to do with it??" oh I don't know.. In my head, everyone is so sure of themselves and I just want to feel like that too.

And saying this stuff helps.. (at least for me)

So, that's why I'm writing this.

Anyway: 2022.

A weird, sad, painful and wonderful year.

I got through it with the help of my wonderful friends and... music!

Yes, music. I don't know what it is, I just have a knack for it... I love expressing myself through it and it amazes me how music makes me see and feel things that I wouldn't in any other way.

My most listened song was Hard Feelings/Loveless by Lorde (shocking) which surpassed Round and Round by Imagine Dragons as my favorite song of all time, something I never thought would happen. I love talking about how Melodrama is the best album of all time for me (I actually made a slideshow about it), but in here, I'm just gonna talk a little about this specific song. The song that saved my year. And, honestly, my life. (cliche, but fuck it, it's true)

If you've listened to it, you can see that, at the minute 2:23, the song goes completely "weird", with sounds that makes you shiver and you start questioning yourself if that was actually supposed to be in the song or it's just a bug.

I've heard this song in the year before, but I didn't really understand it until I knew exactly what she was saying in those raw heartbreaking lyrics. And then 2:23 comes in. And it couldn't have been more clear to me.

That is the sound of a heartbreak. Sounds of the uncomfortable, of the loneliness, of the frustration and of the innocence that was once in me, now shattered throughout the floor. Specifically, around 2:52 you hear some bent guitars that feels like something is breaking or cracking... Probably a heart.

Probably my heart.

This song put into words and sounds all the feelings I didn't know how to express, and... to be understood at times of a heartbreak? - it's priceless.

ohh - I got carried away a little bit, I'm sorry...

~ back to 2022 ~

Well, I don't really know what to say about it...

It was a hard year.. but hard times makes us learn important things, so it wasn't all that bad...

And hey, I actually had some really good moments this year! It's easy to look at the bad stuff and forget the good... I have a new favorite movie, a new favorite book... and, day by day, I get to know me a little bit better...

and now I am excited about what the future holds... haven't felt like this in a long time.

ok so I already did my retrospective, my "looking forward to the future" message and now..

my thank you.

thank you for all the self knowledge you brought me

and thank you for my friends, whom I would not be alive right know if it wasn't for them.

goodbye

[roundie89]

In the car

Hello!

To anyone who's reading this, you should know it's for a specific person, but feel free to read it... who knows... you might understand me in some kind of way (or at least, entertain yourself)...

So... here I am... again...

I know that, in my last text to you, I said that that (c/w)ould be the last time we ever "communicated"... but that’s not true.

I break that "rule" everyday. I’m breaking it right now…

I feel you every time I see a beautiful sky, every time I play Jinx in ARAM, every time I listen to some songs...

I know that maybe this is all getting easier for you…

Unfortunately, it isn’t for me. (But we always knew that it would be harder on me, right? Just look at the name of my favorite album)

Anyway… I did start therapy! It’s close to that spot we'd go for talking (“peak” / don’t laugh), and, for a few weeks now, an hour before going, I stop by there to see the sun…

Today I decided to go there after my session and there was beautiful sunset (photo in the ending)… I finally saw the place where you took those pictures you sent me… it’s really awesome, right?

Funny, I keep thinking that I might find you there someday… Maybe because you said you used to do the same thing… (If I knew, you know I'd be there)

You know I was looking through my mind a while ago and I remembered something (quite painful)! In 2019, remember that gathering we went with your roommates? It was a St. John's Day party (festa junina) from their university group or something...

I remember a specific moment from when the music was playing and I saw everybody dancing in couples... I remember thinking I wanted to go dancing too but I think I was too shy and a little scared that some families would maybe think bad things about us... (stupid, I know...)

However, you asked me if I wanted to join you and go dance with them. So we did.

It was scary for me at first but I kept looking at you the whole time so I wouldn't focus on everyone else that might've said something about us.

And... you were smiling. And not long after, I was too...

In that moment, I felt... I don't know... "complete"?

That's when I thought to myself: "wow?!? maybe I'll marry him... what? no.. come on... - ok maybe I will"

And for the first time, I had something to lose.

And I did... lose you, didn't I?

Sometimes I wish we had broken up on bad terms, because it would've been easier to get over it... But that would be impossible. You know it, I know it.

(quick song recommendation to take the seriousness out all of this a little and maybe make you laugh while you're reading this (if you're reading this))

I’m still in the car, you know...

But… at least the view is great.

(I was listening to this while I watched this sunset) (Oh and, this one too)

And... just so you know...

The door is still open

Until it’s not anymore.

[roundie89]

Saudades

Do you know that there isn’t a word for this title in English?

Does that mean that a person who has English as their mother language doesn’t “miss” anyone?

Thinking about this is reminds me the kind of stuff we would study and talk about at the university... Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about that time actually... The time when we were learning how to live... together. We were both new at that and right from the start, we shared the same experiences... We had common thoughts and later realized we had a lot more in common than just thoughts... not everything though, because, you know... only you are you.

But it wasn't the things we have in common that made me fall in love with you.

It was you. The whole you.

You and me at that time? It was us against the world and we knew we had already won.

Last week I went through our playlist again (which, funnily enough, is now updated more often when we're apart than when we're together) and I looked through the songs we added at that time.. It was a little (who am I kidding? it was very) painful because I could actually remember every little detail of when we where adding them. Then I stumbled upon a song you added on March 20th, 2018. "On Hold" by The xx.

Some of the lyrics are:

"When and where did we go cold? I thought I had you on hold And every time I let you leave I always saw you coming back to me When and where did we go cold? I thought I had you on hold"

I'd already seen the lyrics but... it obviously hits different this time.

It's weird thinking that, at that time, we just vibed together over this song but now it has a completely different meaning to me.

It actually describes everything I feel at the moment. It may sound pathetic when you consider how long has it been since I haven't heard your voice... When you consider how long has it been since I haven't called you by your nickname that you hated but you’d always let me use... because you loved me. And I loved you.

Since it happened, I’ve been through some really hard times, wishing every second that you were there with me.

Later I realised that it wasn't all horrible, because I found out that I can go through some heavy shit by myself. And I'm still here!

But even after all that... I haven't figured us out... Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time moving on, and why I'm writing this...

Trying to figure out what the fuck happened to us...

I know that I may have to live not knowing the answer to that question, but... I really wish I wouldn't.

(Yes, all of this might be very melodramatic, but I don't care because my Melodrama vinyl arrived yesterday and it's beautiful)

well.. I hope "I'll find a way to be without you, babe"

[roundie89]

reflecting

Sometimes, my best friend shows me some pieces of what she writes.. Every time I read it I feel reflective, the way I’m feeling now...

Today she let me read a letter from her future self for some kind of contest.. At the end, I had my eyes filled with tears... It made me think of how reading that letter made me feel the same way I feel when I listen to the first 33 seconds of the song “Godspeed” by Frank Ocean, or the beginning of “Ribs” by Lorde, or even watching some videos from Tim Kellner.

 I guess I feel... “free”? 

When I’m before art made by people who are doing exactly what they should be doing in life it’s... satisfying... It seems like they have a clearer view of life and they’re able to show us through art what it’s like and how good it is to fulfil their purpose. I wonder if they feel as good making the art as I feel appreciating. I’d like to think that they do.. 

Will I ever create something powerful enough to make anyone reflect anything?

Will my art, even though I don’t know exactly what it is at the moment, make someone stop and think “wow, that’s something”?

The most important saying in my life is “living and learning” so.. I don’t know yet... I hope so.. I’d like to be someone that people can remember in a good and poetic way..

You might wonder why I’m writing this in english.. Even though Brazilian Portuguese is one of the most beautiful languages in the world, I find kind of cliche writing in my mother language.. I don’t know why, it’s just awkward..

Anyway... I think I got nowhere with this reflection but I had to get it out of my mind otherwise I’d go crazy...