If you take too long to reply to me, I can’t promise how I’ll react. There’s a chance I start overthinking. That I’m not good enough. That I did something wrong and made you mad. That you suddenly changed your mind about me and you’re done with me. But the reason I act tho way is because I’m scared to lose you. That you’ll walk out of my life without an explanation, like many people already did.
Lately I’ve been on a rollercoaster. A lot of ups and downs. Trying to get a hold of my emotions, to understand them and to deal with them. One minute I’m fine, next second I’m overthinking everything in my life and can’t be happy. Lately nothing seems real and I’m not sure of anything. One thing I’m sure of is that I need you close.
I scream and shout for who I love and what I believe in. I get very passionate about things I care about, but I don’t give a fuck. I admit that I’m a little messed up. I can be very insecure at times and take it out on you. But I promise I can pretend I’m fine and nothing’s wrong in public.
I’m obsessive and I love too hard. I don’t love someone easily anymore, but wen I do, I love hard. Almost obsessed, even. I would do anything for you and make you happy. Put you first, make your happiness my priority. Put your wants and needs above mine.
I know I can be needy. Way too damn needy. I just love the feeling of being wanted and needed. I’m the kind of person who needs attention and validation. I want to feel good enough and wanted. I know people care about me, but I don’t mind to reminded every once in awhile.
I’m sorry that I’m up and down a lot. I’m sorry you have to put up with my mood swings. I’m sorry that you have to hear me tear myself down. I’m sorry that I think I’m not enough. I’m sorry that I need a lot of attention. I’m sorry that I immediately start thinking the worst when I don’t feel needed. I’m sorry for being needy. I’m sorry if I say sorry too much.
You can call me selfish, but after everything I’ve been through I can’t help it. I’m scared of opening up and tearing my walls down. I’m scared of being to vulnerable and end up hurt. I’m scared of giving too much love and stay left behind empty. I’m scared of loving too hard and not getting the love returned. But what you can trust is that once I love you, I love you so much. I won’t stop loving you anytime soon. You got me, I promise.
Sometimes I need to step back and take deep breaths and remind myself that I'm enough. But there are times in which I need someone, someone who will stay behind my back and hold me. And protect me. Because I need a rest. I'm getting tired of being strong and holding everything together. I need to scream, cry, laugh. I need to love. I need to be loved. I need.. a single gentle touch, a look into the right pair of eyes.. I need a rest.