rudybuttlar

[rudybuttlar]

Poetry and Love

“Yeah, you’re super pasty” - Grady’s comment on my body while swimming in a pool on the Seine (cool, right?!). “I’m worried Rudy, you need to tan more” 

“GRADY SHUT UP!” Thank you for the constructive criticism though, love ya. 

Anyways, I couldn’t be happier because I’m really immersing myself into Parisienne culture. I somehow ended up meeting these super cool French guys and girls at a historic poetry reading in a quaint little restaurant, and we discussed traditions and marriage and love in a mix of French and English for hours. First of all, the fact that I get to go to a chique café and order red wine during my time here is actually kinda absurd to me for some reason—definitely did not prepare for that. My new friends (Fabian and Vladimir, who are in their 30′s) thought that I was 23, which shocked me, because in my eyes I look like a 15 year old. Fabian told me it was because of “my ability to converse with a glass of red wine.” That’s a compliment I’ll take any day haha. Secondly, going to an exclusive poetry reading is something I only imagined natives and locals would get the chance to do. What’s even more absurd to me is that the people I met at the reading have been reaching out to me and asking to get together; it feels like I’m the one who should be extending these invitations. I guess I’m not a complete loser like my parents told me growing up (kidding). Look at me now, Dana! 

Speaking of deep-rooted insecurities, I just finished season 3 of Love on Netflix and it’s pretty awesome if you guys haven’t watched it yet. If you’ve seen the first two seasons, then you’ll know it’s kind of dark, frustrating, and your entire body cringes every time Gus says something to another character. But this season, it’s a real change of pace because it’s the first TV show I’ve watched where the show gets progressively happier and more positive as it goes on. Since the show deals a lot with themes such as addiction and failure and the struggles of being in a relationship, it really takes you by surprise when you finally see the characters actually become happy. It kinda makes you reevaluate your life because the entire premise of the show revolves around two insufferable, broken people, and having them try figure out their issues over 34 episodes, and finally succeed...it definitely opened my eyes to the beauty of neurotic people working through their issues day by day. 

So before I recount the wild experience I had taking a tango class in a French girls’ teeny studio apartment, I was eating lunch at a beautiful café a few days ago, and it was this weird experience where I felt oddly out of place. And to make it more surreal, it was with a bunch of Americans from my program, which added to the conflicting emotions inside of me. Even though I have a couple good friends in my program with me, and I was drinking a delicious Spritz, and we were in the middle of the city center overlooking the Parisienne streets, I had this weird, uneasy feeling inside of me. 

Traveling really is about who you spend it with, to me at least. And as much as you can be in the middle of somewhere as beautiful as this little cafe drinking a Spritz while cute little French dogs wobble under your feet across the cobblestone streets, you can still look around and feel oddly alone. Like I really feel like I’m not jive-ing with lots of kids on my program for some reason, and I just couldn’t relate to these American college kids me who were not self-aware of how "LA” they were being. Like on the Califorrnia-Richter scale of being from California, they were probably like a Tana Mongeau-Billie Eillish mix (attitude wise). Their conversations consisted of candy-flipping and other rave lingo that I just can’t relate to. 

I had this really big feeling of relief last night, cause luckily I have a whole squad of like-minded homies just a short metro away from me on the global studies program (@ Grady and Jesse and Julianne and more!) And we all sat down together with Vladimir and Fabian on the Seine to drink wine and eat chocolate as the sun set over the water. But ya, it was a beautiful moment that reminded me to be grateful for the fact that I got extremely lucky with who is here in Paris with me. Like of all of the places in this massive world that we could be studying, and I got some pretty awesome friends to be in the same city as me (admittedly, yes, Paris is a very popular destination, but still). 

Nonetheless, I’m definitely still developing the relationships with people from my program that I enjoy. And we’re planning at trip to Nice for a long weekend which is gonna be SO lit.

Alright, I guess I’ll talk about my tango experience next time. Get excited haha! À bientôt!

[rudybuttlar]

Christiane, mon amour

I almost drowned on my journey to Paris. Not actually in water or La Seine but like, in my own tears (hehe just girly things). I cried ALOT on the first plane ride here (for reasons I will reveal later), but I had three people ask me if I was ok and there was only one person sitting next to me lolol. The guy kept pausing his movie, looking me straight in my soul and asking me if I needed anything. I definitely got healer energy vibes; he centered me some. At least my eyes look super bright when I cry. 

When I got to Paris I legitimately walked around the airport for an hour and a half looking for the phone store to buy a SIM card. The terminal I was at was circular, and I could see the store sign in the distance, but every time I walked towards it, it DISAPPEARED. It was like I was Jorah following Dany in the House of the Undying. I kept walking 50 feet forward and then ended up in the same place as I was 50 feet before that. 

And then when I finally got my SIM I ordered an Uber (no way in hell I was gonna metro for 1.5 hours in 36 degree heat with three bags). BUT, I had the SAME PROBLEM finding the door that my Uber was waiting at. He was at door 16, and I was at door 8, but every-time I walked 50 feet forward I ended up at the same door 8! I know this because I kept passing a young Parisienne girl with purple hair smoking a cigarette. Maybe the healer dude hexed me because I kept crying during his movie. Who knows. 

But despite all this madness, once I finally started driving into the city (in a different Uber because the other one was #cancelled), I started to forget everything that’d just happened. Paris is such a fucking massive city that’s inhabited by so many different cultures. Driving past the gothic architecture paired with an urban flair of fashion was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. My Uber was driven by this old guy with the most calming presence in the damn world, and as the sun shined over the city scape, he pointed out the Sacre Coeur sagaciously croon in a thick French accent, “You look over there and see the highest point of the city. The Heart of Paris, the Romans built the temples to dedicate to gods Mars and Mercury. It’s one of the most loved places by Parisienne.” It was this really surreal moment when you realize that that history and the world is bigger than you could ever imagine, and more beautiful than you ever realized.

After a wonderful couple of days drinking and taking in the Parisienne streets with my homie Graydon (we stayed at a hostel that doubled as a club making it VERY hard to sleep off my tears from the flight) I finally lugged all my shit to my new home: chez de Christiane Fernandez. I was completely lost so I had to call her, but I soon realized that mon amour Christiane could speak absolutely zero English. Though I struggled to understand her over the phone I finally caught the words “Reste là! (Stay there!)”. 15 minutes later I see an old 5′0 foot little lady wobbling down the streets with the most bohemian French attire. She smiled at me with teeth of true French fashion and I knew I was in for a wild ride.

Christiane is a lovely lovely lady, but at the same time, she is bat! shit! crazy! 

- She sleeps NAKED on the couch (because her apartment is teeny and there’s not enough rooms).

- She talks to herself 24/7 

- For our first breakfast (le petit dejeuner) she made me a piece of toast the size of a Juul. I kid you not. I guess the French take “petit” very seriously. 

- She talks to me while I’m showering (more like screams at me, but yeah)

- For lunch she made my housemate and I a plate of cut up oranges with cake sprinkles on top....CAKE SPRINKLES! Like the rainbow kind. Wtf?

- She wears see through leggings that say “Sexy girl!” on them with bright pink thongs. 

Anyways, my housemate and I are experiencing a far different homestay than the other people in our program, to say the least. Our apartment is teeny and janky and is pretty far from the city center, while others are staying in penthouse suites overlooking the Eiffel Tower or Arc de Triomphe. But like young Christopher from Into the Wild realizes, the world is full of useless material things. And I’m excited that my experience will give me a Parisienne adventure sans the glitter, glam, and fashion. 

I think that the communication barrier is the hardest part though, because she doesn't speak slow enough for either of us to understand. It’s also difficult to differentiate if she’s speaking to me or to herself hahah. I’m looking forward to the challenges ahead, and I’m confident that my French will drastically improve because of our situation. 

So there you have it! As my love blossoms for my new “mom”, my adoration of Paris is blossoming too. I’m racking up so many crazy experiences and learning so much that I’m excited to share! Some highlights include: attending a French poetry reading, taking a Tango class in a French girl’s apartment with a view of the entire city, engaging in some philosophical discussions with a couple 30 year old French men (how did I do that?!? No clue haha), and staying out till 6am TOO many nights in a row because the Metros don’t open till 5:30am and you already know I’m not dropping €€ on Ubers. Check back soon:)

[rudybuttlar]

oh la la, qu’est-ce que j’ai fat?

OK OK. Merci beaucoup for clicking this link and giving it a read because you could seriously be doing ANYTHING else right now but you came to dive into the going-ons of the inside of my head, so....good luck. I’m hoping this blog will be a mix of light hearted stories and intro and outro?spection, so if that doesn’t interest you, PERFECT! I’ll try to change your mind. 

I’m the first to admit that I’ve always looked down on those who choose to study abroad places like Paris—places where Western culture is just as prevalent as it is in the states. Why not explore somewhere different! Somewhere it’s not as easy to fit in. But here I am.

I was at a kind of shitty part of my life mentally in the middle of my first year of college. My Capricorn energies couldn’t handle all the UCLA baddies who seemed to have everything under control all the while living their best lives. I wanted to apply to everything I possible could because I don’t actually know what I could possibly do. I don’t know if I was even excited to do any of it; it’s like I can’t escape my try-hard days as the President of Key Club (yuck!) in high school. Alas, UCLA isn’t easy. And I had to deal with getting rejected from all that SHITE too. Anyways, I remember watching the episode of Master of None where Rachel leaves Dev to live in Tokyo. When he confronts her about it, she said, “If I don’t do this now, I don’t think I ever will… I don’t want to wake up one day and think, ‘What would it have been like if I went to Japan?’”

I guess I realized I was looking for some kind of journey to reflect on things or something to define my life because I certainly didn’t know what was going on. It started to be a question of success vs. happiness in my mind.

It definitely got me thinking about a lot of things. I’m still in this weird transitional phase of my life that I felt since the first day of my freshman year in college where I’ve swung from happy and content to lost and confused every other week. It comes in waves and phases which perplex a lot of people who know me and don’t see that side of me very often, especially since I do tend to bury that negativity inside me. But I’ve slowly realized over the years: it’s okay to be honest with your emotions and admit your neurotic tendencies. And it’s up to you and ONLY YOU to do something about it. If you’re upset that you’ve sat in your underwear for a full day forgetting that your skinny (slim thiccc) bod actually needs nourishment binge watching Youtube covers in your sadness (an actual realization I had once), then somethings gotta change. 

So I attended my first travel study meeting in Murphy Hall, a huge, luxurious building on the outside with snakey hallways, dimly lit lighting—a massive maze of windowless rooms and marble floors. A few months later I’m here, back to my European roots. 

Famously, the show Seinfeld did horrible in test audiences before they ever aired. There’s an unknown rule of thumb with sitcoms – that if a pilot does well with test audiences, that’s not exactly a good sign. It means that it’s familiar. People have seen things like it before. A test audience that supposedly represented the “majority” of Americans watched Seinfeld and hated it because they had never seen anything like it and didn’t get the premise; so, the studios were ready to pull the show. WELL LOOKED HOW THAT TURNED OUT. Now Jerry has a goddamn show where he makes money drinking coffee with his friends while promoting the next Acura Legend or something. The studios that wanted to pull Seinfeld are the same studios that go, “The people want another (insert superhero franchise) so let’s give it to them! And make sure it’s loaded with nostalgia and merchandising opportunities!”

I guess what I’m saying in all these anecdotes and stories is that I don’t exactly know what I want in life. I don’t know if coming to Paris is the right move. I don’t know what’s going to happen after college - but I don’t think anyone does. 

There’s this amazing interview with comedian/improviser Chris Gethard where he talked about leaving his position at UCB Theatre to go do stand-up and lead his own talk show, dissecting why he left such a massive reputation behind. He was considered one of the biggest improv “guru’s” and was the “Golden Boy” of the UCB for the longest time, but once he talked to his therapist about how dissatisfied he still was, his therapist told him that he needed to cut out everything that prevented him from achieving what he wanted - even if that meant quitting his current job. Like any rational human, Chris said to her, “But I need to pay my rent and survive… how can I leave that behind to start something that could fail and leave me broke and homeless?”

She said, “Everything you have right now, you know you’re good at - it’ll all be waiting for you and you can always pick it back up if all else fails. But at some point, you need to leave on your own journey and answer the question, ‘What if? Because doing what you wanted to do and failing, but giving it your all will always be better than wondering all along if you could ever achieve your dreams.”

So there you go. I’m basically comparing my 19-year old life to someone who made a dramatic life/career decision as if they were on similar terms to me. I’m also not very smart.

Anyways, I have lots of more TEA to spill. Stay tuned baddies. I’m gonna dive into my CRAZY home stay mother (oh Lala), where my mind is at in the “City of LOVE”, and how I think I got roofied last night. Whoops. 

GOODBYE AMERICA, HELLO PARIS