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10 BJJ Closed & Open Guard Sweeps (x)

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she really has changed

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This bitch.... 😳

maybe once every 3 weeks i think about how Chelsea manning snuck incriminating files past military security by putting them on a blank cd with ‘lady gaga’ written on it

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Monastery Adopts Stray Dog and Names Him ‘Friar Mustache’ (via  Rover.com)

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Falling In Love by Mark Bouldoukian

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“You fell in love with me….

You fell in love with my brokenness, you said…. You sought me out when you knew that I was at my worst. You looked into my bright- blue, tear- filled, devastated eyes. You saw the pain, and the frustration, and the loneliness. You knew how badly I was struggling. You realized the exact extent of how unbelievably shattered, and lost, and miserable I truly was. And right then, and right there, you fell in love with me….

You fell in love with the way that my mind worked, you said…. You liked the way that I saw things so differently. You understood that I wasn’t like everyone else, and you weren’t bothered by my meltdowns, or my anxiety, or by the way that I don’t always understand. You didn’t blame me for my addictions, or for the way that…. Nothing I try to say…. Ever really comes out quite right. You adored the way that I marched to the beat of my own drum. And right then, and right there, you fell in love with me….

You fell in love with the way that I challenged you, you said…. You needed someone to need you, just the way that I needed you. You needed someone to rely on you, just the way that I relied on you. You needed someone to trust you…. Just…. The way that I trusted you. I made you feel loved, and I made you feel wanted, and I made you feel important, you said. And right then, and right there, you fell in love with me….

You fell in love with my imperfections, you said…. You accepted all of my flaws. You were patient when I did things that didn’t quite make sense. You knew exactly how to get into my head, and you knew exactly how to handle me when I got difficult, and you knew exactly what I thought and felt and feared, before I ever had to speak a word. And right then, and right there, you fell in love with me….

You used to love me…. I could see it written all over your face, every time your lips met mine. And right then, and right there, I knew that I would never again fall in love with anyone the way that I have fallen in love with you….

But now, it’s all getting to be too much for you, you say…. You stay irritated with the way that I can’t seem to change it all. You stay aggravated with the way that I always want to be near you. You stay angry with my weakness, and with my depression, and with the way that I’m constantly turning to you…. For comfort…. For reassurance…. For stability…. For help…. You can’t stand my inability to communicate…. The way that everyone else…. Always seems to so easily, and effortlessly, communicate. It all hit you, all of the sudden. And right then, and right there, you decided that…. Maybe you might not be so in love with me….

I’m too unstable, you say…. I’m too unpredictable. I’m too emotional. I’m too impulsive. I’m too uncontrollable. I’m too needy…. Everything about me, everything that you fell in love with, now causes you to push me away. Everything that you used to find so irresistible, now exhausts you. Everything that used to make you look at me, like I was the most beautiful part of your world, now fuels your discontent, and your unhappiness, and your dissatisfaction. And as hard as we both try to pretend that we don’t see it…. We already know that right here, and right now, you no longer love me….

No good thing can last forever, and hearts never break even….

So right here, and right now…. The truth is…. That you will never again love me the way that you did…. The moment you fell in love with me.”

-k.b.w. 5/30/17

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up and down

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INVICTUS. -William Ernest Henley

“Out of the night that covers me, Black as the pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance, I have not winced, nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance, My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade. And yet, the menace of the years Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments, the scroll. I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul.”

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“Well, I told you to be patient, and I told you to be fine. I told you to be balanced, and I told you to be kind. And if all your love was wasted, then who the hell was I!? Cos now I’m breaking at the bridges, and at the ends of all your lines….”

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I am my “TBI brain,” but my “TBI brain” is not me…. This is a screenshot from a link my neurologist gave me…. First, I suppose I should catch you all up on the situation…. I am a 24 year old U.S. Army vet- turned- Paramedic, with severe PTSD, addiction issues, and as of Nov. 8, 2016, a traumatic brain injury that changed my life…. I am a K9 handler for my local K9 search and rescue team, and I’d let my K9 SAR prospect puppy- a 4 month old long coat Sable GSD named Godric- out to potty around 2200. It was dark. He was young, clumsy, and unrefined. At the exact moment I started uptown concrete back porch steps and issued him the “come” command (hier!), an uncharacteristically large Virginia opossum came tromping out of the woods, looked in his direction, and spooked him. He then darted, at full speed and weighing in at a good 40lbs vs my 110lbs, across the yard, up the steps, and between my legs. I started to go down, reaching out for the hand rails that weren’t there due to the remodeling we were in the process of completing, and slammed both the top of my skull and my forehead on the edge of what I believe was two or more concrete stairs…. The events that followed are a blur…. 
The next thing I remember (which is a pretty solid indication of me losing consciousness for an unknown period of time), is trying to sit up. My head was pounding, I was a bit disoriented, and Godric was pacing back and forth, alternating between licking my face and pawing at the sliding glass door. I’m a medic, and everybody knows we make absolutely terrible patients, so of course I truly believed that I was no worse for the wear…. I stood slowly, let myself and my boy back in the house, crated him for the night, and went into the bathroom to clean myself up. I was bleeding pretty heavily from my forehead and upper lip, both my upper and lower lip were starting to swell, and I’d completely shattered my glasses frames and lenses, so I couldn’t really see much of anything. I popped about 4 ibuprofen and climbed in the bed.
My girlfriend at the time got home from work around 0200 that next morning. Shortly after she got home and snuggled up against me in the bed, I began violently vomiting, losing chunks of time, and drifting in and out of consciousness…. About 8 hours later, I started stuttering and having difficulty recalling things from my short term memory. At that point, it became chillingly apparent that something wasn’t right…. I had my girlfriend drive me to our local emergency department, where they did an MRI and CT scan. I was given norco and fioricet to help alleviate the excruciating headache, zofran to tackle the nausea and vomiting, and a dark and quiet room to await my results. About an hour later, a PA came in and informed us that my scans showed swelling in my frontal lobe, damage to my Broca’s area, multiple skull fractures, and were 100% consistent with a grade three concussion and TBI…. By this time I was sporting a small cut and a lump the size of a golf ball above my right eye. My speech was barely understandable. I was having severe lapses in memory…. I was absolutely terrified…. I spent the next few months rushing between appointments with my PCP, my neurologist, another neuro specializing in frontal lobe TBI’s, and repeat CTs, MRIs, EEGs, and follow ups with all of the above. It’s all honestly extremely difficult to keep straight…. Now, let me give you a quick run down on how all of this has affected my life…. Now.... Before you judge me or blame me for some of the things I do or say sometimes (POST- frontal lobe TBI/ last November), understand that it’s just as frustrating and unappreciated on my end as it may be on yours…. 
A lot of the time, I’m extremely reckless and impulsive. Not because I’m an idiot or don’t care or because I have no self control, but because the part of my brain that controls impulsivity is physically damaged. I’ve done and said several things extremely out of character for me, because if it even crosses my mind, the TBI brain grabs it and runs with it. (reference Jack Sparrow “I’ve got a jar of dirt” scene where he’s running down the beach from the savages.) Sometimes what it runs with makes no sense whatsoever…. 
My moods are all over the place from one minute to the next, for no reason whatsoever. Sometimes I’m overwhelmingly manic and nothing can bring me down, sometimes I’m so depressed I can’t see straight, and a lot of the time, I’m just really, REALLY numb. I’m on several medications to help balance that, but there’s only so much modern medicine can do. 
I get unbelievably angry over the stupidest little things. Today, I was going to ride with my grandparents somewhere and I could hear the trailer chain rattling as we drove, and it literally made me so agitated and emotional and stressed out that we had to turn around, go back to the house, and I had to take my own car. 
I lose focus easily and I forget things. All. The. Time! Especially “short term memory” things. A conversation I just had not five minutes ago. Details I should remember. Names. Faces. Dates. I tell someone I’ll call or text them back in a bit then I completely forget until I’m reminded again or someone gets butthurt. 
I stutter due to damage to my Broca’s area (controls speech) and not only strangers but people I’ve known my whole life look at me like there’s something wrong with me now. They try to pretend they don’t notice but I’m well aware that they do. It takes me a full minute to get a single sentence out sometimes. Sometimes I get hung up so bad on words that I’ll find another word I can get out easier instead. A lot of times, it takes me too long to get things out and whoever I’m talking to will get impatient and finish my sentence or start throwing out words that MIGHT be what I’m trying to say. I can’t stand that. I KNOW exactly what it is that I want to say, it’s just that it gets mixed up somewhere between my thoughts and the physical action of speaking them. Because of this, I barely talk any more. Some people take it as rudeness, me not being very polite or personable, or aloofness. I can assure you, it’s none of the above. If you went from being the articulate whiz kid with a way with words to your own brain being the reason it takes you 20 minutes to say what would’ve taken 2 or 3 before, all while somebody stared at you with a fake politeness, how would you feel? So yes, it’s physically and emotionally easier on me to text, write, or sign. 
I get super frazzled and nearly melt down when things change or don’t go as planned. Any little hiccup in routine or plans or how things should be sends me into a full blown rage or panic attack. It’s just extremely hard to adapt sometimes. 
I hit things…. Which I’ve always done, but it’s gotten so much worse since the injury. Any sudden emotion whatsoever, I get overwhelmed and can’t handle it. I have never and will never hurt anyone else, but lord have mercy on any door, wall, mirror, car, tree, or life-sized cardboard cutout of the Biebz within striking distance when something trips my switch because it’s done before I even realize what’s happening. Yeah, it’s all frustrating for you, but it’s even more frustrating for me. When I have to live it every single day. It’s been a huge adjustment and I still have no idea what’s going on with any of it half the time. These are only a few of the every day struggles somebody with a traumatic brain injury faces. You wouldn’t hold having asthma or a broken arm against someone…. So please, don’t judge me for what I can’t help, either…. -KBW, 2017

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Confessions of a Grown- Ass Adult

Confessions of a grown ass adult who, upon closer inspection and careful consideration, really probably shouldn't be allowed to do all the important grown up life things on their own.... Sometimes I have to get up in the middle of the night to let the dogs out because they're being whiny little jerks and couldn't just take a dump before bed like normal folk. And that's cool, it ain't no thing. At least I don't get up for work half asleep and end up with my bare feet all up close and personal- like with strategically placed, steamy little doggy land mines. So whatever, I'll stand outside on the porch and smoke while the grumpy ass old man makes it his personal mission to christen every single individual leaf, tree, garden gnome, armadillo, and piece of dried up, half- dead whatever the hell that just was this side of the Mason-Dixon.... But y'all best hear me when I tell you, the split second I detect so much as a squirrel fart from the shadows, it's officially every man for himself. I'm talkin instant, irreversible, full blown "oh holy shitballs" protocol. Like, I love you and I really hope you don't get snatched up and carried off by a gahddang pterodactyl or some shit, but it's about half past time for me to get the fuck up on out of here. I ain't tryin to get my tiny, freckled, Irish ass dragged off by some damn rogue, vicious honey badger with a vendetta and fed to its smaller but equally heathenish little asshole honey badger babies, now.... Nope. Nottttt todayyyyyyyyy. I got important shit to do. #survivalofthefittest #maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavor #revengeofthehoneybadgers

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Random Free-Verse Shit

Lately I, can’t tell right from left I’m blind I’m deaf I can’t even write no more, I got nothing left I’m feelin’ like the world’s on my chest, doin its best To suffocate me, hate me, batter and break me Im down on my knees, prayin to God, “Save me! Save me!” So tell me how you can just sit n listen all this time And watch me beat my fists raw against a wall that I can’t climb I’m stepping outta line tryin to show you how I feel inside my broken mind it’s float or fly, load or die You’re not even payin attention not to mention how hard I try I’m sittin here fumbling for words I’ve lost my drive to live my life alive, I’m an empty shell, no soul inside I try to face the world around me not run and hide Behind everyone I used to find so perfect and kind So just tell me what to do, it’s up to you, but in the mean time, I’m writin’ this in verses so you might listen to what I say, I’m searching for a way to play the only cards that I have to play, But today, I’ve realized that I’ll never find a better way, To behave, I’m a slave, to this life that we say is ok. And by the way, I’m still in pain, but I’ll take that to the grave, If my eyes don’t betray all the things that I refuse to say And if my face doesn’t take these thoughts and put them on display, Cos its just fueling all this hate that leaves destruction on the replay. Your voice is nothing but a sound in the background of this abandoned town That used to be my mind but it’s that lifeline that I lack now, So I’ll back down, you’re the best now, I’m relinquishing my throne and crown I really hope you’re proud, I’ve left you all that I had left, wow. My head’s up in the clouds now, cos the real world, is just too loud, And I’m too proud, to bow down to anybody, so just let me drown Don’t tell me that I’m not allowed, I don’t care about the damned crowd, I’ll walk away from it all before I lose again what I’ve almost found. And I’m not who you think I am, the demon in your shadow, I’m not the kid you said I was, I still can’t be your hero, I’m broken up inside, I’ve lost my fight, but I still tried, though I’m still not who I want to be, my troubles you cant see, so You know what they say, “We’re in the same game, just different levels. Dealin’ with the same hell, just different devils.” And I cant be what you want for me, I’ll always be below it, So smile and say a prayer for me, cos I don’t know where I’m goin’….

-KBW, 2008

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I Hate You Tonight....

I hate you tonight.... I hate you tonight, because when I finally began to believe in you, believe in me, believe I could be something other than the monster I've been for so long, you ripped everything good from my life as if you owned it all. I hate you tonight, because every time you ask me if I'm okay, I force a convincing smile, tell you I'm fine, and you believe me. Because I have no idea how to tell you that it kills me to see you so happy without me. I hate you tonight because every time I miss you, every time I look through old photos of us, every time I lay down after a rough day in that too big, too empty bed that used to be ours, I feel like I'm suffocating. I hate you tonight, because I trusted you with everything I had, and what meant everything to me, in the end, meant absolutely nothing to you. I hate you tonight, because as badly as I wish I could hate you, I just hate myself instead. I hate you tonight because I still love you. Because I am STILL head over heels, irrevocably, unimaginably in love with you, and I always will be. Tomorrow I will love you, just as I always have. I will love you, because I'm incapable of anything less. Know that I will love you tomorrow, But I just want to hate you tonight.... -KBW, 2015

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Mistakes

Lay awake Staring at the ceiling, Hate yourself for your latest mistake. The one that cost you everything. You give and your addictions take All that you hold dear You leave nothing but destruction in your wake, And you've fucked up before But this one takes the cake. Concentrate. Close your eyes, take a breath, Pretend it's nowhere near too late To save the people you love most- from yourself. Look in the mirror at a reflection that you hate Sink to your knees, Try to pull the trigger. Wish that you could change your fate. But whichever way this goes, you still lose.... Don't you? Nothing will ever be okay. -KBW, 2016

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Subspace

Pain. Sharp. Deep. Gasp, writhe, pant, moan. "Breathe!" Breathe.... I didn't realize I was holding my breath. Breathe. Exhale, inhale. Exhale, inhale. "Good girl." More pain.... Consuming me. Another bite, another scratch, another hard twist of my nipple. Can't move, can't speak, can't think. Freedom.... My body relaxes. I'm floating. Flying. Watching you from somewhere I can't quite put a name to. No pain. No worries. No stresses. Nothing is real.... I am laying on your chest. Naked. Incoherent. Exhausted. Your fingers play with my hair, Your heart beats in my ear. Everything is just as it should be. I'm drifting. Warm. Happy. Safe. We are all that exists.... -KBW, 2012