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[runningwithladyspectres]

11/10

I use to find peace in blogging. Being able to just spew out any of the bullshit I was feeling online to no one but myself. I still find it enjoyable, it’s just more or less getting myself here and then allowing myself to type whatever I’m feeling.

I still don’t even know how to describe these feelings.

My boyfriend’s cat died today. It’s been extremely depressing. And I can’t stop thinking about it. It keeps making me cry and I hate seeing him hurting.

I don’t want to keep feeling the feeling of leaving him. I wish I could wake up each day with him. He grounds me in a way that I never knew I needed.

Somedays I feel so alone. Like I really have no purpose being here, life doesn’t make much sense to me anymore. I don’t even really know what I’m doing.

I’m moving this week. My dad and I have packed up our house and it’s so empty. It feels so empty. I miss my mom’s presence. I need her light to spark a flame inside of me again. She would hate to know that I’m feeling this way but I really can not help it. Some days are good and some days are just so so so bad. 

Recently everything has felt bad.

People say when it rains it pours but I feel like I’m being flooded. By sadness, and anger, and confusion, and insecurity, and negativity and everything besides for happiness. I strive to one day find happiness. 

[runningwithladyspectres]

8/08

It has been like over a month since I’ve last written down or even mentioned anything that I am feeling and today I am feeling extremely overwhelmed by the loss of my mom. I have been completely and utterly avoiding the fact that she is literally gone. I keep telling myself she is on vacation and will soon be back home doing all of the things she loves to do. She loved so much. Literally so so so much. 

People always ask me how I feel and how I’m doing and I don’t ever know what to say. Because honestly, how am I feeling? One second I am so angry and fuming and frustrated and the next I feel calm and at ease with my surrounding. Not with what I am dealing with because I remember.. I am not dealing with it. My emotions are all over the place and sometimes I feel ways I didn’t even know that were possible. It’s pretty bizarre actually.

My day started off fine, I was understaffed at work and got annoyed in the moment but shortly after I realized that it’s literally just coffee and I’ll be fine, I was fine.

After work I had to go and remove my mom off my car payment account and it was really hard to keep hearing the teller say “the account of the deceased” like I swear she said it maybe 12 times. I hate thinking that my mom is gone, like gone gone. I will never see her again or touch her again or hug her again or anything. And it’s really frustrating.

I want to call her literally every second of the day for every single thing that I need. I miss getting her help.

My dad has his days. Some are good and some are bad. Today was bad. He did a lot of crying and now that we live together I sometimes feel as if I feed into his energy and I do. And I get sad too. And then we’re just sad together.

I have to admit I love helping out my dad though. He is so kind and funny and smart and honestly he is a wonderful roommate.

I’m fighting a lot of internal battles. I don’t enjoy speaking out much because I think everything is going to become a fight, and I don’t have the time or the energy to fight with anyone. Ever.

And when I fight with people I always feel belittled. Always.

Anyways today was a bad day. And I miss my mom. 

[runningwithladyspectres]

Soooo it has been seven months..

Maybe blogging isn’t for me... but sometimes I get the urge and feel the need to do so. I’m more or less that bimbo who has two (2) finstas and I find it easier to cry and complain there. Which is soooooo weird because people I know only know the bare minimum of what I bitch and complain about.And isn’t finsta where you’re suppose to be your most you I guess? I should probably go on another purge. And when I say the bare minimum, I mean it. People just kind of see that I’m sad or I’m happy. I’m ecstatic because I get to see my scrumptious boyfriend next week, (lol throwback to seven months ago when I talked about sitting on drunk texts and it was about Riley and now we are dating and I looooveeeee him) but I’m depressed because I just lost my mom. People ask me if I’m okay or what is new in my life and I have to drag the words “nothing, I’m fine” out of my mouth. Like how fucked up is that? It seems like a sick joke. 

I can’t believe how sad I was last time I was on here. For what seems like no reason. I feel ill. Like all I hear about now is deaths and people who are fighting cancer, or family members are ill. I just don’t really know what is going on or how to deal with it. I’m just confused. All around confused. And I miss my mom. And its only been two days. Two miserable, miserable days. 

People also don’t know that I now not only work a full-time job, but I also have to start taking care of my dad some times. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not like TAKING take care of him, I just keep him busy. And it’s also in no sort of way a burden or pain, he took care of me for 23 years so now its time to return the favor. And make sure he is staying on track. I let him cry a lot and I try to make him laugh more than that. But it’s hard to be in the house just us two. I picture my mom sitting in all her old spots doing all of the old things she did. And I just wish I knew what she was thinking. Or how she is feeling. If she is lonely, or hurting. I just wish I knew something. I wish my dad wasn’t depressed either. He is so kind hearted and such a light in any room and now... he’s just not the same. But maybe I’m not the same either.

I’m so much angrier. And I don’t do much talking anymore. Besides to my mom. I talk to her like some things haven’t changed. I try to keep my day as normal as it had always been.. just without my mom this time. Literally what the fuck.

I think I understand that my mom has passed. But I don’t think I have accepted it. And people just keep telling me that they understand. And they have been there. And they are praying for me and my family. And they hope I find peace. But I will never find peace. I know people don’t live forever but I would have loved if my mom did. 

I’m going to start a garden in honor of her. And hope I don’t kill any of the plants I get. I would be more sad than I already am. 

I’m so happy no one follows this because I am such a hot mess.

Also, fuck cancer.

[runningwithladyspectres]

Day 2/365

You know, it’s really hard being depressed and anxious and always in some sort of funk, but I think people really forget that you are in charge of making a change. Things don’t just fall into peoples’ laps. People need to work hard to get where they want to be, or I don’t think they deserve to get there. Put your ego aside people, start from the bottom and learn to grow. Absorb all the knowledge and power you need to succeed and then just go fucking do it.

There is so much more to life than what people believe, I think. Not that I’m some hippy dippy life loving girl, I just think so many people are blinded by things that don’t matter.

I stayed pretty motivated today. I did a lot of things involving the public, and I was even able to hand the guy who washed my car a tip without freaking out! I mean I did at first, but I did it! I’m pretty proud.

I hope this burst of energy doesn’t fade away, I’m going to do whatever it takes to keep feeding into it so I can accomplish all the things I’ve been needing to. Maybe I need this burst to help me make the changes I want to make. I’m excited for myself, I really really am.

Oh. Also, I’m blogging in bed with no pants on, I could get use to this.

This felt a little forced today.. 

So I’ll come back again tomorrow.

[runningwithladyspectres]

1/365

I feel genuinely bad for people who think they need all of the attention in the world. I have to admit there is not one thing in the world that makes me more uncomfortable than that.. I remember when I use to think it was the most important thing in the world, and now I could care less. There are so many other important things to worry about in the world, and I’m glad that I am able to recognize that and enjoy them. Most of the time. Sometimes I get blinded by such bullshit and nonsense that I forget. And I think I’m going to stop letting that happen. I kind of want to make some sort of lifestyle change. I’m not really sure where to begin but I think I’ll find a way. I want to become excited about things again, I want to be passionate about things again, I want to be excited about life every day again. 

To be completely honest though, I’ve slowly started making some. I got past the anxieties of going to doctors appointments and dentist appointments, I finally am under new management at my job, it’s gotten easier for me to recognize and accept some of my personal problems. Which doesn’t mean that I don’t still have a fuck load to work on, because I do. I want to stop being such a pushover, but I want to do so much for so many people, I wish that everyone (yes, including myself) could be happy. Once again, I think I’ll figure that out sooner or later.

I’m currently sitting on some drunk texts I sent on Tuesday, not really sure if I gained anything or lost anything from it though. But I feel a bit more at ease due to the fact I don’t have to keep this internal secret.

I still feel a little manipulated, and betrayed.. I’m not sure how to fix it. I don’t know what to do about it. Maybe I ignore it. But who ignores manipulation. I don’t know where the confusion in the situation was. I keep to myself majority of the time. I don’t know why though because I don’t trust myself either for some odd, odd, reason. Actually I just find myself irrational. I think that most people dislike me, and that I’m constantly being talked about (negatively) and that people just kind of tolerate me. But that’s whole-heartedly just me. 

It’s hard to kick toxic people out of your life. Especially if you love them. And you think, that they, in a way need you. But especially if you love them. 

I wish life had a guide book on how to do things.

I want to keep up with this

And it takes 30 day to make a habit

Here’s to day one of private blogging!