rustling-wind

[rustling-wind]

Meteor Shower - Cavetown (Chorus) 💫

Short cover of one of my favourite Cavetown songs. Yayy!!

[rustling-wind]

(Meteor Shower — Cavetown)

Might as well post me playing piano on here 🤞

[rustling-wind]

Goodness this whole week has been me rapidly going between "we're so back" and "it's so over" because I don't think I can make the things I want and like as a career. It's not for me, being on social media. It's awfully terrifying. Maybe that's okay but...

What am I going to say to myself? I can't have this? So many people think I can and have shown support for me and yet I want to throw in the towel? Okay.

[rustling-wind]

Some thoughts on today (vent?)

Practised music today to keep myself focused, but it wasn't enough. Started on a pixel art WIP, but it wasn't enough. Eaten all that I could to satisfy myself today, but it wasn't enough. Texting my friends doesn't feel like enough; I want them there, sure, but I can't seem to focus on talking to them. I'd be scrolling the web, returning again and again to this... emptiness. I feel as though no one is there, even when they are. Posts that update me about their life in real time. See what new art and factual information and cat video appear on my feed. I catch myself amidst a long scrolling session. I think that this online landscape feels dreadful to exist in. Even if I wanted to make new friends (and I've wanted to, for so long) it'd feel really.. hard for me to connect. Socialising on this platform alone feels weird for me. Am I really desperate for some sort of connection that I'm willing to comment under my mutuals' posts? (Many of my mutuals, I don't know personally, or haven't spoken with in years.) Some part of me feels as though it might be fake, somehow.

There's tomorrow. There's the future I have to stay hopeful for. Even when everything I thought I'd ever wanted is slipping past my own head, my own hands, and my own force of will. I'm not sure if art can be my future when I seem unfazed by it now. I'd love for my qpp to be here but something's different about them and our relationship, which has changed over the course of time, and I'm not willing to ruminate over that and my self-worth now. I'm making progress in tracking how I think (—wow? I have anxiety? And I'm dealing with that on my own?) and yet it's not enough. Nothing is. I really want it to be enough.

[rustling-wind]

At the current moment, I seem indifferent to the concept of love. I'm not so sure, honestly. But thinking about them, I don't think of 'first love' (It's going to be three years, ffs) but just... growth, I guess. It isn't bad if this is how love turns out to be. Yet, something feels awkward. Maybe I'm breaking down the structures I've built and based and understood these sorts of things on. They don't have to be a lifelong partner, I've never... wanted that. Someone to live with would be nice, and so would be 'building a community'. They are a part of mine. I look forward to the future with them. They told me, that at least, for now, we seek joy before thinking about running away. I'm trying to hold onto that.

For now, I am a wayfarer. I fare lonely, hoping to find fulfillment. I walk against the path of time, and what seems to be a current of uncertainty and misery.

(note: please look into OCD. it might actually... idk, explain how i am around them.)

[rustling-wind]

I'd love to make art and history my future, but I seem to have qualms with marketing and the industry right now. Too saturated. Too much competition. Maybe I'd turn away from it, yeah...

(and yet I don't know what else I can do.)

[rustling-wind]

10 May 2025 / 23:28 P.M.

Leave myself space to 'fuck around and find out' (experiment), but also space to accept myself as is. Hmm.

Context: I enjoyed the outing with my qpp today despite the drawbacks; the event being not what we thought it'd be, and language that felt iffy for us ('special' just leaves a bit of a bad taste in my mouth. But that was from a vendor).

The best part was that we found a quiet/calm room that was hidden from the outside, although we could still overhear everyone, and it was audible because of it being in an enclosed space. We sorta just hung out there — we played with blocks, made Minecraft figures, sang Revenge by CaptainSparklez (what we remembered of it), and coloured in a page from a drawing book.

Got to be a little.. intimate, if you count stacking feet on the other due to it being severely cold as such. Got to be a bit open with my words (I think I was a bit too abrasive, because I kept on speaking what was on my mind??), and got to discuss neurodiversity and neurodivergence.

And personally, most important for me: having me actually mention that I had 'something stupid' on my mind. Though I didn't actually say what it was. I felt okay, suddenly, that it was an option, that I could just... not take. Not now, anyway.

(and then after we were done checking the venue where the event was being held out, the day crashed for me. got too sucked into it so i didn't pick up calls from my family. got angry, i yelled. that happened many times. i was exhausted by then. that can be a different post.)

That was the most fun I've had in a while. It felt safe. In many ways, I prefer that over making out.

[rustling-wind]

I'd like to grow wings, and then maybe I'd be me.

[rustling-wind]

Grills 🤤🤤🤤 *gets fried*

[rustling-wind]

Rough EO Timeline [WIP]

Settlers and the Stars (ancient) (mythos?)

In where the Settlers meet the Stars. The creation of objectkind.

The Settlers are said to be ancestors of objectkind. It seems that a lot of artifacts and DNA in the EO world can be traced back to them.

The Stars are another component in objectkind creation. They are the main energy source that fuels object life. (Note: There have been debates, but it seems that the Stars can be classified under a category of objectkind also.)

After the Settlers were 'wiped off the planet', their remaining survivors / remains became the Watchers — a group of objects that protect and watch over the planet. They are also guardians of Settler artifacts.

The Stars would live on in the form of their descendants ('Star Waste'), who eventually left the planet to immigrate to other parts of space.

Early Objects (Natural and Organic Objects)

Emergence of early objectkind, mostly consisting of natural (i.e. rocks) and organic objects (i.e. fruits/plants).

Beliefs include:

A worship towards the natural world (note: animism?). [Objects worshipping trees.]

A common belief seems to be that all objects originated from simple shapes.

Technology (or, the beginnings of Artificial Objects)

Throughout the emergence of object factions, there has always been a need for technology. This is when Artificial Objects (or Inorganic Objects, or Partial Organic Objects) started to emerge. This is a vast category. These objects developed through the course of time and vary from period to period.

Artificial Objects were used as tools, and were heavily sought after to solve problems. (Note: Cruel beginnings? Object independence? Ideas and ethics on creating life starting here.)

Object Factions

Gem Faction — A collective of rocks and minerals. Very closed off. Believed to be holders of magic? Shinier crystals tend to be more valuable.

Plant Faction — A collective of plants and anything related to them. Often attacked as they are a source of energy. Very 'spiritual'.

(More fantastical faction names here. I haven't thought too much about the development of objects... But it probably mimics the real world as time goes on?)

Object Behaviour

Objects feeling a 'sense of superiority' when comparing themself to their non-sentient counterparts. Sometimes icks other objects of the same type out.

Objects being 'barbaric'. Throughout history, objects of different factions have never really cared about taking another object's life. They often prioritised scavenging for raw materials to help their own faction.

(Something about a naming system here.) Objects have the option to be named after their object or to keep a personal name.

Modern Objects (The current world...)

Object cyborgs (partial organic objects, really) and robots (artificial intelligence!)

Alt ideas (unrelated to EO)

Objects as visual metaphors / personas for their other world counterparts.

[rustling-wind]

What if Compass was a creation of Gandall's? Maybe having played some part into their formation/growth, how their body works. Object sentience in my lore isn't very clearly defined; it's believed that objects randomly manifest into existence, but with technology, it's possible that life can be created too!

Would this make Compass a robot? Maybe? The line between organic and inorganic beings isn't clearly drawn. Compass seems to escape what is expected of robots though, showing to have sentience and being their own person.

Side idea: Gandall possibly being of Japanese or Korean ancestry? (Note: both countries are major powerhouses for robotics.) Just a fun thing to think about.

[rustling-wind]

Thoughts upon rereading Bloom Into You:

Yuu is a great protagonist. I love her. She feels.. different from many of the other protagonist characters I've seen. Maybe because she's more emotionally analytical?

Koyomi still reigns to be my favourite character <3

The manga is so pretty...

[this post was originally written on 30th March 2025.]

[rustling-wind]

I just finished ASFTU. I believe its greatest strength is its emotional storytelling (plus, very quotable! The characters say some things that sorta just inspire you)

I'm so curious about Raya's life... and the parallels and realisations to be made about the real world and the world made by her...

[this post was originally written on 19th February 2025.]

[rustling-wind]

"[High school] isn't the end, but it's only the start."

So which part of me dies? What can no longer be maintained? I'm tired of this.

[16 April 2025 / ??:?? P.M.]

[rustling-wind]

22 March 2025 / 02:51 A.M.

I'm writing logs, I've always done that. But this time, it comes with a major difference: risking the chance the public sees this.

I learned about insurance today. It says that risk is an inevitable outcome which we will face at some point— at any point, in our life. Insurance helps to restore your financial status from any loss incurred. I'll end that there, I haven't read further into it. Anything related to economics and finance is foreign to me.

I'm in my final year of secondary school. One month in, I'm struggling to keep up. I shoulder the weight of the world. Every moment I want to slack off further, let myself fail, at least once, but my results don't reflect that. Conversely, it seems my grades just improve, get higher and higher. Or I maintain my place in this institute. Dunno if I ever had much competition to begin with, but I see others improving, and...

I wonder if I am? I wonder if I ever will get to. I'm not seeing it now. It's hard to see in present time.

I slept for about seven hours the previous day, from 2-3pm to 10:49pm. My friends congratulate me on this, saying I should rest more when I can. Abandon work too. They know I've been struggling to get by the whole week... (huge loss of sleep, bodily pain). Thanks guys. Razor and Ink.

I wonder about my future. I wonder about my future with them. I have felt a surge of unease make its way through my head. Usually, I'd think about it, talk about it— but it always barely bore substance to me. It won't be of much substance now. It seems my mind has refused to think about it, too. It gets harder and harder to think. I end up muddled with nothing.

I am like a romantic. I romanticise things. Funnily enough, I am also aromantic. I love this queer platonic relationship (or really, it's just a close friendship). I don't think I'll get to be with my qpp* for much longer. Once the year ends, when I'm done with my school year, things will change. I will risk them gone. I would at least want this relationship to end well. There's something to be questioned there— I feel uneasy. My mind is struggling to think, no, form words about it. And here I am.

*Amidst all titles, I don't feel entirely comfortable with calling them a partner, but I don't like referring to them as 'just a friend' too

[rustling-wind]

14 March 2025 / ??:?? A.M.

i wonder what the future brings — will there be space for me? for my love for it, for my willingness to learn about it? — in a place that seems to be vocal about eradicating my existence? in a place where it's tough for me to find any wealthy banks of information and history about the people who came before me?

i don't have a map to navigate this, i wonder what pitfalls and traps i'd fall into. i wonder if my future self will get to live a fulfilling life, considering the person that they are currently is sheltered, and lacks all the street smarts to get by. i wonder, i wonder, i wonder.

[rustling-wind]

6 February 2025 / ??:?? A.M.

Love (in a broad, vague sense) brings a trainwreck of emotions. As a lonely person who's still in their adolescence... maybe I'm lucky? To have been able to experience this? More fortunate than most others who I know, I think.

Years later, I'm just reflecting on my experiences, and there's always something new to come out of it. A different viewpoint, a realisation about how that might've looked externally, cringing and feeling awkward about myself.

I don't talk to people much. Call me egotistical, self-centered, whatever negative thing you can think of— I just... didn't expect that it'd come with so much. The crushing feeling of having to commit to a relationship, whilst not wanting to mess things up. (It's much more challenging when I'm queer so I have to be on stealth and forbid myself from even publicly bringing up the relationship. I want advice man...) I've gone from avoiding and feeling disdain towards the concept of love (specifically, romance) to indulging in it and considering myself more of a sappy romantic.

There's this fear that I'll forget my adolescence and that I won't have been able to process it all. Being unable to come to more mature conclusions due to an increasing distance from those experiences. (That's silly to think about, isn't it..? That distance is needed for me to process things better.)