rvxscreams

[rvxscreams]

i know im setting myself up for failure by saying this but, im finding it hard to imagine a scenario where i get better

all of those ambitions and hopes i was building up towards a few years ago are gone

the only outcome i can picture in either the short or long term is death.

feels like im just waiting for it to happen

i dont think i was meant for this world

[rvxscreams]

I know deep down I didn't deserve to be treated that way

But to keep things simple

It's easier to convince myself I did

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it feels like im too far gone to recover. every single time i humour the idea of getting better, to reaching out to friends, chatting, seeing my cat, the thought always concludes as "or you could just kill yourself :) " it seems like the easier solution to everything.

and i know that makes me a coward

and im not surprised ppl dont take that claim seriously. ever since i was a preteen, ive been contemplating suicide, and expressing that. i know that there have been legitimate times where life feels so dark that it seems impossible to escape from it. times where i shouldve been institutionalised, but that little flame in my soul hasnt gone out, and i somehow manage to survive it. even if it's reduced to hot ashes, it can catch alight, even temporary, by adding another piece of paper. just to keep it going while you gather more kindling to keep it burning longer.

right now, my heart and soul feels like those hot ashes at the bottom, and they're due to go out. it feels like a flame that is meant to die out, but someone is stubbornly adding shit fuel to it. stuff that wont last very long.

it feels easier to just throw a bucket of water on it than to spend more time trying to get it going properly again.

what doesnt kill you makes you wish that it did.

maybe i was so resilient about the abuse, grooming, violence, bullying i received as a child because i had not experienced everything yet. i had people chanting that it'll get better, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. but maybe...maybe im just tired of being in that god forsaken tunnel.

maybe this is what life is. life is beautiful, but it is also pain. maybe i can get enough satisfaction from having others get to experience the thrills in life, the love for nature. no matter how i exist in this world, that will still be experienced. it doesnt matter if im dead or alive. the sun will still rise. people will photograph it and share it with their loved ones.

maybe they'd think of me. i'd join the millions of names mentioned around the world spoken in loving memory of that sunrise.

maybe none of it matters anyway.

maybe one day i'll write an actual goodbye note. for now, i will remain. wondering when the day will be the day i finally snap. the boy who cried wolf. that's all i am for now.

[rvxscreams]

im genuinely grappling with the decision of whether to live or die

ive told myself the last few years, in order to get through each day, "you can either choose to end your life now, or accept that youll be alive for another long time, so why not try and make that time left more bearable?". this usually works. i think whats scaring me about where my mind is going is that the solution is slowly becoming "well then maybe i'll end my life instead"

maybe because im a coward. a coward who isnt strong enough to confront or challenge myself with the things i need to do in order to get better. ive always tried so damn hard to take accountability, be compassionate, supportive, and strong. but i havent been able to be strong for months now.

im stuck between a rock and a hard place. it always results in me punishing myself no matter what choice i make. i want to reach out to loved ones and ask for support? get fucked, youre selfish and manipulative for forcing others to give that emotional tax to you without you giving anything to them in months. but oh, you want to just quietly disappear and not make a theatrical out of fear of being attention seeking, so you dont ask for help or talk to anyone for weeks on end? youre a stubborn baby who cant accept help so theres no point in helping you because all you ever do is refuse it

i am a bad person. and i wish i stopped deluding myself into thinking im not, because all that does is skirt accountability.

i hate expressing how much pain and agony im in because itll just upset people. but then offing myself would upset them more. but i need to feel community and connection. and i feel like it's too late to come back from my isolation. how can i just come back in pretending like nothing happened? how can i pretend that i dont wanna kill myself every god damn fucking day and that ive spent months of having my biggest achievement be "i didnt hurt myself"

i cant get through a therapy session without sobbing. i cant think about my old life without having a breakdown. i try so. so. so. fucking hard. to amp myself up to reach out to people, but it's so easy to convince ymself that my presence will receive a strong negative response. like. why bother? i have no positive impact on others. i dont know why im still holding on and deluding myself into thinking it's worth doing so.

im stupid. no matter what i think or feel, my brain manages to find the negative in it and turn it into makign it my fault somehow.

ive always thought i am too weak for this world, and that has become apparent again.

i wish i could be strong.

i wish i could go to bed excited for what the next day will bring, instead of hoping that it'll be my last conscious thought.

im sorry.

this isnt a goodbye note. i am safe but i am not okay at all. im sorry for the heaviness of this. i dont want to be an emotioonal burden any more. i dont want to be thsi way. i just watn this pain to end. i just want it to all go away.

[rvxscreams]

the mortifying ordeal of admitting you do want to be loved vs the mortifying ordeal of not wanting ppl to pity you or feel bad for u vs the mortifying ordeal of wanting to reciprocate affection but being useless vs the mortifying ordeal of being careless with others and actually feeling bad vs the mortifying ordeal of being perceived as vulnerable at all.

[rvxscreams]

i have had a realisation.

i bring nothing to the world.

i have lost my voice. my will to live.

the only thing stopping me from ending it all is not wanting to cause a further burden or trauma to others.

cuz thats all i do. pity and victimise myself. snapping at the tiniest tension in my brain. causing collateral. it's a good thing ive stopped talking anyone. everyone has their own journeys. how selfish and delusional must i be to be convinced that others should have to spend their emotional tax and suffer as a result of my misery? it's stressful and unfair.

i have an impact on others. and my behaviour is pathetic and selfish. it makes me wonder if i am just better off dead because then at least thats the end of the clinging, the grief and torment others feel from who i am. they can grieve the end of it, but at least it's a grief one can consolidate.

how selfish of me. putting these words out into the world, causing more harm.

all i want to do is to continue wasting away in my flat i barely leave. time isnt real. i have lost any will to climb out of this hole. i need someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay

[rvxscreams]

im thinking of bringing this blog back because im realizing i need that safe space to just ramble nonsense where no one can really see. i have my private tw/tter, and i know that that’s more “secure”, but the downside is that you cant articulate what you want to say as well

my paranoia is sorta preventing me from opening up too much on here, because i know i once linked this blog on my main, and im sure some people who love to watch me burn will no doubt be checking in on me. but ya know...they make me feel like the bad guy so they dont have to feel bad for what they did to me. they strip me of my humanity, to justify their actions.

maybe i’ll just completely revamp this blog, make it a safe space once more

[rvxscreams]

it’s so fucking hard remaining soft and delicate in a world so full of cruelty, selfishness, and people hurting others without consequence.

i’m fucking sick of being the gentle, sensitive soul, the mediator, the one who is neutral and calm and reasonable. when others will just do whatever the FUCK they want, not even evaluate why, and believe that theyre in the right.

it makes me fucking sick. it fills me with an unbridled rage.

because i know i’ll never get justice for it.

because in the end, im the one that will get walked over again and again and again and AGAIN. and these cunts will always get THEIR way. because they push their thoughts, ideas, and behaviours onto others without a second thought, assert themselves into shit that isnt their business, and charisma their way into getting what they want.

and i hate that i have to stoop down to that selfish level just so i will be treated with basic fucking respect.

but as soon as i start calling people out on their fuckery, suddenly I’M the bad guy. i have to endure a fucking essay trying to justify why they did something, no matter how big or small, and i just have to fucking take it. i ask someone to not misgender me? big fucking mistake apparently. how dare i. have the audacity to ask that.

im tired of this fucking world. im tired of seeing these micro instances, from the amount of people that just cut me off or tailgate me while driving, to people who assert that their belief is the ONLY right belief to be had, im fucking tired of it.

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all time low // good times

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🌪 хлороформ 🌪

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