rxila-blog

[rxila-blog]

05/22/19

Today is the 22nd of may, and I’m sitting on my front porch, smoking a cigarette. I’m off work today, but tomorrow I go back and work Thursday, Friday and Saturday.. 

Currently, I work at Chick Fil A. I don’t really like it to be honest, and its not so much about it being a BAD place to work, but more because I work front counter and I HATE seeing people I know because I’m embarrassed to work there. I hate to say that but it’s true. When people ask me where I work, I always lie or I tell them I’m unemployed...that’s horrible right?

Anyway, working at a fast food restaurant SUCKS. CFA is definitely better than most fast food places because theres a lot more rules and regulations. They’re a lot cleaner than most FF restaurants. But one bad thing about working there, is; I’m always around fatty foods. I’m always eating fried chicken and fries, and it’s caused me to be very self conscious about my weight. I mean, i’ve always been self conscious, but now I’m 168lbs, and I used to be around 135. I know I could lose weight by running or completely changing my diet, but it’s so hard. It’s only like 28lbs to lose, not a lot in retrospect, but idk why it’s so hard for me.... I’m 5′2 or 5′3.. 

Anyway I really want to record my weight on here, because I usually record it in my diary, but I want to have it on here for some accountability. 

So, from this day forward, I WILL WORK HARD. I will genuinely try to lose the weight i’ve gained over the past 3 years. Portion control first and then i’ll start cutting foods out. Drinking only water and tea, NO sugary drinks. Or sugar free drinks too.. 

So hopefully by September I will be around 140lbs again. Maybe less if I can really do this :)

[rxila-blog]

Alright.

This is my first post on this blog... I really want to use this as a diary, to document my thoughts and feelings eloquently. There’s been a lot going on in my life recently, I’m so confused and so empty sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not depressed. I’m actually quite content.....Or maybe I am and I’m just not “sad”. I know that you don’t have to be sad to be depressed, that it’s just a chemical imbalance in the brain. Possibly stemming from the current situation I’m in... and current environment. So... I guess I’ll just get into it because that’s why I’m here in the first place lmao.

Okay, so I’ve been with the same guy for 2.5 years. We’ll just call him Josh for the sake of this post, in case anyone I know finds this. So, Josh and I have definitely had our ups and downs during our relationship. We met at a mutual friends party, and instantly caught each other’s eye. At first I really didn’t find him that attractive, but I remembered him from High School because we had mutual friends (btw he’s a year and half younger than me, so when we got together I was 22 and he was 20). Anywho, so we were talking and he asks for my snapchat. Over the next couple days, we talk pretty frequently and he continuously keeps asking me to hang out with him to smoke weed. I told him when I first met him that I am a cannabis connoisseur lol. So we hang out like a couple days after we first met and things go really well. We connect, we laugh and we share personal stories to each other. We really like each other. 

Over the next couple weeks we hang out like 5 times, and we really like each other. Eventually after about 3 weeks of talking and chilling, we decide to be together in a relationship. (Fast, I know..but when you feel it you just feel it.) So that was like February 1st, or 3rd, 2017, somewhere in there. 

Fast forward through the first year of us being together, it was a good year. I was his first serious relationship, so it was definitely new for him to have this kind of dynamic. I had just recently gotten over a bad divorced, so I did all the whole marriage and committed relationship thing. I’m pretty sure Josh cheated on me in the beginning of the relationship. Which, I’m not sure 100% about but I’ve cheated on someone before so I know what to look for. Other than that, everything was pretty good.

Now it’s 2018, and we’ve been together for a year. 2018 will be tough for us and our relationship. In this year, we almost break up about 3 times, but we never actually go through with it. Right when it comes down to it, we get cold feet. Or he sees me crying and he changes his mind last second, and me being the dumbass I am, I try my very best to convince him to stay with me. I’m so afraid of being alone (i’ve only been single for 1 month in a total of 6 years). So you can see I am kinda a stickler for comfortable relationships. So yeah he’s tried to break up with me many times, don’t get me wrong. We love each other. And I know he loves me because he shows me he loves me. He messages me every night, no matter what I’m doing to tell me he loves me and to say goodnight. When we’re together, cuddling, he tells me he loves me. So yes I know he has true feelings for me.

But, there are problems in paradise. There are many things that are wrong with this relationship. Josh is very flirty with other girls, and he’s secretive. I’ve caught him in lies many times, even talking with other girls. It’s been a long time since I’ve caught him talking to anyone, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he has and is talking with someone. Because I am too.. and there are a couple guys who I’ve been talking to for a little bit of time. Yes, theres flirting. YES there is inappropriate discussions. But the guys that I’m talking to, they’re actual friends of mine that I’ve met a long time ago. One of them...he has a special place in my heart. He’s like that one person, that you meet and you know that the universe put you guys together on purpose. I think he’ll be in my life for years to come, hopefully. Lets call this guy Nick. Nick and I have a lot in common. We love spending time together, we’ve experienced enlightened drug experiences together. We met at work in 2017. So it’s been about 2 years since I’ve known him.. and as long as I’ve known him, he’s wanted to get with me or for me to break up with Josh. Usually it was because my relationship sucked, even when Nick and I first met, he told me out of kindness that he didn’t think I should be with him for my own good. But NOW, in May 2019, Nick really wants me to break up with Josh, because my relationship is really not healthy. It’s not abusive or even emotionally abusive. Our time has just run out I think..Like the relationship has expired. 

Nick really wants to get with me. Not like a relationship, but he wants to hook up. And he’s wanted to hook up many many times but he never crossed any line because of Josh. So now he sees that my relationship is falling apart, finally, and he is really pushing me to end it for good with Josh. Nick sees that my relationship is ending and he’s trying to swoop in and pick me up. I’m definitely NOT saying that this is all okay, but I know that my relationship is ending. And it’s going to end very soon. Like within the month I think. And I wouldn’t mind some kind of distraction.....

One other big point I should bring up, is; Nick is a criminal. He’s a drug dealer and he could possibly be going away for like 10 years for Assault with a Deadly Weapon, and Evading Police. He’s a bad boy basically, and I don’t agree with his life choices at the moment. I have to remember that Nick is only 21. I’m 24, and I feel like I’m at a different point in my life than he is. But, when Nick and I hang out, he NEVER brings me into the life he has outside our friendship. He knows how paranoid and nervous I am about that, and he respects me enough not to ever make me feel uncomfortable. But still, I don’t like what he’s doing right now in his life..so that could prevent us from ever doing anything intimate or emotional with each other. We will see.

So, basically....My current relationship is going to end soon, yes. I know it will and it makes me sad. I know that when I break up with him, that will be goodbye forever. I can’t stay being his friend or hanging out with him or anything. I know that when I say goodbye..it will be saying goodbye forever and that breaks my heart. Idk, I’m a pussy when it comes to stuff like this. I guess I’ll just keep updating, to see where things go.

Thanks for reading, if anyone even is lol

May 20, 2019