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[ry-cynthiasu]

Put Sustenance on Our Own Choices

Introduction: 

  My life has changed significantly since 2019. In 2019, I experienced the struggle of university freshman. My confined soul from 2 years of high school made me want to explore more in my life, yet it also led me to find out how much I lacked to fulfill a “perfect” figure that I though was the sustenance of my motivation in school. Through the lockdown period in 2020, I had also closely experienced the desparate conflict between me and my family. I sought my way out through giving sustenance upon learning new skills. Yet, I really started to look into my mindset and emotion management in th eyear of 2021. This is the year with the most dramatic change. I started a relationship, yet ended because I lack the ability to control my mindset towards negativity in life. I have been trapped in the past agony. 

  I sincerely value the journey in this 3 years, God had made me encounter so many great people to make me grow, and provided me with this great family that work so hard to provide for my education. I wish to record this journey, and for everyone who is also in the process of pursuing their dream, I wish you feel supported with my story as well.

[2019] 

Starting university, getting to know more people? Learning how to drink, how to party? So many excited things I hoped to achieve.

I’m no longer the “smartest” student in the house.

When I started high school in Canada, the place where no one knows me, I show myself as a perfect person—no emotions, no weakness, good at sport, good at school.

It’s not that I don’t want to be perfect anymore in university, it’s because I can’t.

I was still scared to admit that I couldn’t do everything by myself. The arrogance turns me away from meeting more friends, turned me away from the opportunity to get to know more about the things outside of my small, confined world.  

I needed someone to lead me out of my world. I mean, it’s not wrong. When I needed help, and you are willing to help, then I’ll take whatever you gave me.

I met a friend who gave me a lot of support in the hard university life.

He is wild, dedicated, casual—something that I don’t have. Yet he is confused with his future, just like I did.

At that time, all I wanted was to study hard, and let people see that I am hard-working. My friend gave me a different mindset about studying--don’t be perfectionist, study for your own improvement, and apply them.

Since I got out of high school with no real friend made at all, I took this friendship as a sustenance for my simple life.

The fun thing was that our friendship broke because he confessed to me. That was the first time I felt like I have hurt someone.

That was the time I first realize, what I wish upon other people may not be real. I wished he was just a friend, but he wished more than that.

Yet, I must admit that it was genuinely a happy time, because I broke through many things that I haven’t tried, and really started to know the importance of keeping safe boundaries with people that you want to keep as friends.

I think someone’s mindset can be clearly illustrated by their expression. In 2019, although I had no goal, failed friendship, bad school scores, I didn’t need to worry anything outside of school.

My old friend took this picture, I was happy to have the support from him.

After this friendship failed, I looked back and found out that I was straight away trying to learn things from my friend, yet not caring too much about what he may feel. 

Although I could sense that he has some affection towards me, I was too selfish to let this sustenance of my joy in life go.

A very important thing I learned was that, whenever we lie to ourselves, the reality won’t lie. We are what we are, the real world would prove that. If we are not perfect, then we don’t pretend to be perfect.

[2020]

COVID hit so rapidly across the world.

School closed on March. That was the first time I’ve spent so much time with my mom, in such an empty house. Neither of us knew what to expect in the next step. Negativity creeps all over the house.

I started to find something that can help me keep track of my life, to help me not getting swallowed by the silence and emptiness in the house.

I started journaling, tried so many ways, realizing that I’m not an aesthetic journal keeper. I only keep the things I needed to do, needed to finish to get good grades. Things were simple, if I can still do well in school, the time is all mine.

I look at my achievements of doing different things for the sustenance in my life.

It was genuinely a nourishing experience for me. I got to learn ukulele, practicing calligraphy, making videos, and just creating my own brand on the social media.

I would still be gracious about what I have tried in that time because some of it has led to what I decided to be my career in the next year.

However, the conflict between me and my family was elevated at that time. My impatience and ungratefulness made me refuse to listen and communicate with them. I have been through many breakdowns, yet the problem hasn’t been solved--I didn’t know how to change my mindset.

I was very arrogent at the time, I though I would find a way to get out of the stressful household in a blink. I kept filling my time with school, internet, photography, and random info from everywhere. 

When my sister and her fiance invited me to travel with them, I was uninterested, because I didn’t share interests with my sister and mother. 

Being an unhappy teenager, I tried to refuse experiencing this journey. I ignore the feelings of my family and threw temper tentrums. 

I do think that what I learned during the lockdown period--photography, video editing, and just trying to build my own social media account, helped me found out about my passion in media career. 

Yet, it was a shame that I couldn’t figure out how to change my mindset of getting along with family members who have different opinions and values in their life. 

I wasn’t grateful for my family, and I wasn’t respectful.

[2021]

I came back to my home country for 5 months, and back to Vancouver at the start of 2021

Don’t konw if God was especially kind to me, I met a person who introduced me to a whole new mindset of living my life.

He was mature, yet he also had very similar struggle as I was----eager to get financial freedom.

But for sure, he was more realistic and more of an action-taker than me. I watched him grew and made progress, I admired him. 

Yet, I couldn’t start on myself, until he gave up on giving speech to me about how he made himself through the hardships--everyone has a limited patience of pulling someone through their problems, and when they grow faster and faster, they’ll leave you behind.

I wasn’t mature, I was dreaming that someone could take all my pains, my problems, and automatically turn my life to fast-forward mode.

And I was wrong, no one’s life can be automatic. When you think someone’s, success is automatic, you don’t see the days and nights they have tried to put things together to lead to where they are right now.

That was a biggest mistake I made, and even now I’m still affected by the mistake--the mistake of not taking action, and putting sustenance on someone else to drag me through the journey.

In the end, it is my choice to be better and keep learning. No one can be me, and no one can be there forever to drag me.

My past experience might not be an encouraging story, because I am still in the journey of building up my career. Yet, I truly believe that when someone wakes up, they become a whole new person.

The sun rise and set, and we are always on the track of our own choice. Changes are not made one day, it’s the combined effort of days and nights.