rynnvstill

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Reflection

On December 31st 2019, I sat in my livingroom thinking about the past decade. At first I was disappointed, sad and discourage because I had realized that I spent the past decade running.

My twenties was an interesting time of my life. There were some peaks and a whole lot of valleys. The first half of my twenties was spent hanging out, learn, laughing and growing. I’ve fought my way through…

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Breathe

Breathing is one of the simple functions of the human body that we don’t really think about. Mainly because it’s an involuntary function.

Involuntary until we manipulate the way we breath by taking in deep breaths, holding our breaths, or taking a short breath. Sometimes out elements cause our breath to be coked by smoke or snatched by the cold. It can even be strangled by hands/objects. However…

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Memory Lane: My 20s (Part 1 20-24)

Memory Lane: My 20s (Part 1 20-24)

Happy Birthday to me! I’m 29! It’s so amazing to me that this will be my last year in my 20s. It was weird to think about turning 30 soon but I’m looking for to my 30s now, mainly because my 20s were crazy. I’m so thankful to God that He has been helping me and guiding me through my young adult years and I’m so bless to see another year. Every birthday I usually journal and reflect about the…

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❤❤❤❤❤

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The Lost Ones

  It’s laundry day…a day I and most like me have come to dread. How could you dread laundry day?  A day of fresh powdery goodness and aroma’s of sweet flowers filling the household. What’s so horrible about  it? I’m so glad you ask because this is the tale of the lost ones.

Who are the lost ones? The unfortunate “soles”…the socks with holes and faded from black to grey. Some have fancy…

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An Adorable Interview

Hi…I’m Adorable. No, that’s my actual name, Adorable. I was accused of narcissism but it’s simply not true. I’ve come to you for advice. Maybe you can help me understand why others fill that way. So will you help me? Great let me tell you a bit about myself…

I’m a model, that’s what I do for work. All day long people are looking at me and taking beautiful pictures of well me! That doesn’t make me…

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He brought us back to the tree.

Happy Good Friday! When I was younger the term “Good Friday” was an odd phrase. How could a day when Jesus was beat until unrecognizable, whipped 40 times with a deadly whip, and spent agonizing hours on the cross Good? Strange right? But then I was drawn to take a closer look into the mission God had through Jesus and I realized it’s not just good, or amazing, it’s beautiful. Let me start at the…

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My Natural Hair Story and Other Beautiful Things.

When I was a baby, I was bald. Not peach fuss bald, BALD. Spit shine, marble floor wax, can see your reflection bald. I was about three when my hair was long enough to do anything with it. Unlike my sister who had beautiful long full hair, I had this weird hybrid hair. when it was in it’s natural state, it was thick and hard to comb and when it was straight it was extra thin. I don’t know what I hated most, dealing with my thick natural hair or getting it straightened. 

My mom had two hot combs (the one you could put on the stove and the kind you plugged in) I hated both. Sometimes my hair wouldn’t get fully dry with the blow dryer and the hot comb would create steam, sizzle and sometimes burn my scalp and neck. It was a terrifying experience really. Enough was enough and in the tenth grade I finally got a perm. 

The experience was interesting to say the lease. An elderly lady gave me my first perm. Her unsteady hand cause a dribble of perm to run down my head onto my right eyebrow (I feel like to this day my eyebrow is still not the same). The results however were rewarding and I was satisfied with how I looked. My hair was still thin looking but my hair was straight and it had bounce. Surprisingly, my hair did very well with the perm; it got pretty long. I fulfilled a dream of getting a really nice weave that I wore to my husbands prom and in my senior pictures. It wasn’t until I moved out that I started to struggle with getting my hair permed. 

In 2012, I got a perm and a sow in for my wedding. However, the stylist didn’t condition my hair before she put the perm in and my. hair. fell. out. To help it grow back I started braiding my hair up every summer. During the fall and winter months I went back to getting my hair permed and wearing weaves. I part of me was getting tired of getting my hair permed but I didn’t know what else to do with my hair. Straight hair was the norm. It wasn’t until 2015 that I was freed of this mentality. 

2014 was the last time I got my hair permed. I wanted to get a sow in for my graduation. in 2015 I started seeing a therapist and she told me something very freeing. She called me a Nubian Queen. ::Mind Blown:: Now I was skeptical at first because I wasn’t sure if being a Nubian Queen was a good thing or not. I mean I figured it would be since my therapist was calling me this but I Googled it just in case. 

The images I saw were beautiful and amazing. It was nice to hear that black beauty could be something outside of Beyonce or Tyra Banks. Those women are beautiful but Nubian Queen were of different shades of black and brown, they wear African clothes and their hair is natural. From that day on I became content with never straightening my hair ever again (with perm. there are the occasional flat iron styles but over all I would keep my hair in it’s natural state). 

This got me thinking about other facets of what I may have diminished over the years because it’s not deemed as “normal” beauty. 

From middle school to high school, my self esteem has taken shot gun shots of insults. Here are a few of the horrible things that were said to me:

You’re too skinny

You have no body

You look better in the dark (Said from a boy I met at a school dance)

You look like Buckwheat from the Little Rascals 

Your hair is ugly, your clothes are ugly and your face is ugly

You look like a witch with your hair like that

Ew, what wrong with your ears

You’re just not cute

I don’t want to touch you

This is just a few that I could remember. 

When I met Charlie, my husband, it was hard for me to really except the fact that he actually found me attractive. I thought that when he saw me in person, that would all change. Thank the Lord it didn’t and he still finds me attractive today. Charlie actually posted a picture of me recently on his Facebook of me with my hair all crazy. He said he loves when my hair is all wild. When you have a man who loves the way you look when your hair is crazy, you keep him.

These negative words from the past has affected me so bad that with the help of the Lord I really had to convince myself that I wasn’t ugly. Here’s what I’ve discovered about myself: 

My Hight: I love that I’m tall. I’m 5′10″ and I love it. I used to be insecure about my hight because guys (especially tall guys) did not want to date a tall girl. Charlie is three inches shorter than me but he doesn’t care. He loves it. (keeper)

My Skin: I love being brown. I love the shade of brown that I am and I wouldn’t change it. 

My Hair: I love my hair curly. I never liked my thick hair because I never thought our natural curly hair was pretty. I thought pretty hair was long flowing hair but my kinks is where it’s at.

My Eyes: I get my almond shaped eyes from my dad and I love them. My eyes are unique and compliment my face so well. I also like the color of my eyes. They are a reddish brown. When the light shines on them you can see the hint of red. It’s so cool

My moles:  Ok this is an odd one. I started taking birth control in 2012 right before we got married. I woke up one day and I had all these moles on my face. I told the doctor and he said you’re fine you just have a bunch of moles. I asked my mom about it and she said it was normal. Both my dad and my grandmother on my moms side had a lot of moles so it was inevitable 

My legs: Along with my hight I love my legs. My legs are the majority of my hight and they go on for days. My narrow feet also complement my long legs. 

I could go on and on. The point is beauty is in the eyes of the beholder but if you yourself can see what is beautiful about yourself, how will anyone else? That was my main issue in middle school and high school. I couldn’t defend my beauty because I didn’t know I was. When someone tries to come against you, you gotta be ready to say “ um your wrong, I’ve been made wonderfully by my Creator” 

Well I’m going to stop the blog here for now. This is a really long blog. I’m trying to get back into blogging more. Life is just so busy. I will be working on some art soon and will be posting it. Follow and comment below. How do you feel about your hair or about how you look? 

Love you Good Night! 

[rynnvstill]

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year family and friends! We’ve made it to 2018!!! 

I’m so happy and thankful to the Lord to see another year and with new years comes renewed refocus and new goals to achieve. Before I get into the gaze ahead for 2018, I would like to reflect on 2017.

I mentioned on my FB that 2017 wasn’t my best year for me and my family. There were some ups but mostly downs.  It wasn’t a bad year but it was an extremely hard one. There were things I faced in 2017 that made me plant my face in my hands and cry “God, why me?!” Thankfully God was with me all the way even though many times I felt very alone. Everything was challenged. 

Mommy Blues

Oct 6th 2016 I became a new mommy to a beautiful baby girl. The beginning was really rough. I had a C section and could barely hold Naomi because I was in so much pain. I had a hard time using the bathroom ( which I found out later was normal). Trying to recover from my C section and learning how to take care of newborn was very challenging and it took a tole on me. Naomi also had acid reflux in the beginning and a stomach virus around four or five months. On top of all that, there was a 50% chance that I’d pass my hereditary pain epilepsy to her, so we had to constantly in and out of  doctors for her.

 It turns out that she does have the same pain condition as me but we’re working with the neurologist to get her treated. Once we figured out she had the condition, things got a little bit easier because we knew how to care for her to prevent her from having a pain episode.  eventually, the acid reflux went away as well. 

After my 8 weeks of maternity leave, I was cleared to go back to work and I was not happy about that. I wanted noting more than to be home with my baby but instead I had to have other women watch her. I hated the idea of sitting at work some days doing nothing while someone else was playing with her and caring for her. Between feeling guilty about passing the pain condition to her and now leaving her with other women to watch her, I develop postpartum depression. 

I needed a new job

Being a working mom became easier around the time Naomi was 8 months (I know...it took me a while to adjust) but from time to time (mainly when I had nothing to do) I felt guilty about leaving her with other women.  I didn’t get along with one of the women I worked with and I was paying a very high rate to park at my job. The lack of opportunity and abusive treatment prompt me to start looking for another job.

When I started working at the law firm back in 2015, I was very excited. I felt like it was a step in the direction of a real career. I was hoping to learn and move up. That was not the case at all. From day one the lady who “trained me” pretty much set me up to fail. I really felt like she was trying to get me fired. I was told she was my supervisor but later she expressed to me that she wasn’t my supervisor. This confused and upset me because she had a lot of say in my review and work performance. She never had anything nice to say about me and she would let everyone know her frustrations with me. She half trained me, would get frustrated if I tried to ask her a question, would talk about me to other people in the finance department and complain about me to my supervisor. She never told me when i made a mistake; she would just fix it and tell me I made a mistake. I don’t know why this lady gave me such a hard time to this day and i’ll never know but that’s ok. 

Don’t get me wrong, there were blessing from the job. My supervisor was very helpful with my doctors appointments and setting me up for my maternity leave. She even threw me a baby shower. However, the good always came with the a bad moment at this job. The woman who “trained me”  treated me pretty bad when I was pregnant. She didn’t come to my baby shower  or sign the card that was  given to me ( which was fine, I didn’t really care about that). But when  I came back from maternity leave, she thought it was a good idea to give me dirty old baby socks, a dry rotted binky, and used teething toys from her 11 year old granddaughter. I’m 28 years old so I don’t have time for drama, keep it to yourself.

 Enduring harassing situations like my lovely co-workers baby gift, on top of stressing over my expensive parking situation ($25 a day), it took a tole on my health.

Sick Days

Between Naomi and I we have had our share of doctors visits over the course of 2017. For me, it started back in March of 2017. I would get this horrible pain under my right rib around the time of my period. I notice it would start when I would take the white pills in my birth control pack. After I had to be rushed to the hospital in July when the pain got worse, the ER doctor swore that my birth control was not the cause of the pain and that my gallbladder needed to be removed.  Before I was going to  let Chestnut Hill hospital cut me open, I wanted to get a second opinion from the hospital i had Naomi at so, off to Lankenu I went. 

They conducted two test on my gallbladder and concluded that my gallbladder was functioning find. I was advised to see a GI doctor. At this point, I thought I was dying but my GI doctor told me I wasn’t dying, that I was just very constipated. Relieved (no pun intended), she explained to me that the pain I was feeling was trapped gas and stool trying to get around a corn of my GI track (interesting but how did I get so constipated?). She told me that after having deep abdominal surgery (C section), extra hormones (from the birth control), period constipation and add everyday stress (taking care of a baby, working, bills, ect.) that’s how you get extremely constipated. 

She made me do a cleanse but it didn’t work. I conducted a test of my own in October, my prescription for my birth control expired and I didn’t renew it. I wanted to see if I was right all along. If I’d stop taking it, would the pain go away. You won't believe it but that pain has not come back and I'm regular again. (TMI I know but it’s important to the story.)

Still looking for work

At this point I'm depressed because I want nothing more than to leave the law firm. Many so I don’t have to pay for parking but also because the lady I worked with was so abusive towards me in a passive aggressive sort of way too (worse case). She went from ignoring me to pushing work on my when my other co worker went out on disability. 

I was aggressively looking for another job. I had two interviews with a real estate company in Wayne PA but to this day I’m still waiting to hear back from them to know if I got the job or not. I’m pretty sure they went with someone else (I hope) but an email of decline would’ve been nice ( I think it was because I’m brown). 

I laid myself at the feet of the Lord and was honest with Him. I told Him I couldn’t work at this law firm anymore. I could keep paying for parking because it wasn’t helpful to my family. I was honest with him about the lady I worked with, that I had a hard time not hating her. I was just raw before the Lord and honest. Just like David, He heard my cry. Another real estate company reached out to me for AR position in Bryn Mawr, Pa. I had two interview with them (which made me nervous because of the last place) but this time they made an offer and I said yes!

Yes, ladies and gents, I started a new job. I don’t have to pay for parking and so it’s way better than the law firm. 

Closing the book on 2017

There were other crazy events that happened in 2017 but, this blog is getting pretty long and I want to talk about somethings I’m praying God will help me with for 2018. There were great memories of 2017 that I enjoyed very much but like I said the hard times were rough. I thank God he helped me thorough and one of the greatest lessons I’ve learn from 2017 is to trust in the Lord, rest in His grace, and bare it all to Him. He’s truly my help.

Now on to 2018

I’m totally excited about 2018. It started on NYE. I had one of the best NYEs I’ve had in a while. Charlie and I stayed home. After we put Naomi to bed, we played video games until it got closer to midnight, we had some sparkling wine, we counted down to midnight, we cheers, and had our midnight kiss. It was at that moment that I felt hopeful. Like I could feel the Lord wrap his arms around me and His peace filled my heart. It’s going to be a good year. 

Goals

I usually don’t make goals because I feel like anymore, it’s hard to keep them but this year I want to make goals. With these goal, it’s not just for 2018. These goal will be started in 2018 but will continue to grow and develop as the years progress Lord willing. Here are my goals starting 2018:

Art- yes, it’s time to get back into it but up a notch. I’ve purchased artist paints, i’ve been studying art online and practicing and now it’s time to get it done. I have a list of painting and pieces I want to get started this year and I will have an art show once i get a good portion of my work done. I would like to get some prints made and get my art on T-shirts and cups. I would like to start a website where my art is sold and also blog about them on here.

School- I’ve finally decided to go back to school but I’m keeping my major a secret until I finalize where i’m going. It will be a Masters degree. I’m really excited for what the Lord will do through me with this major. I’ll keep you posted with this

Blog- last but not least, I will be blogging again but different. I will write from time to time but I also want to get back into making videos. I will be blogging about spiritual books i’m reading, podcast i’m listening to, my read through the Bible, art pieces i’m working on and how they relate to the Word, I’ll talk about fictional books i’m reading and some funny family stories. 

Conclusion

Guy, I’m so excited for 2018! Keep me in your prayers and I’ll keep you in mine. Until next time, may the Lord keep you in His perfect peace, in Jesus Name, Amen! 

[rynnvstill]

Mommy’s Day Out

I’m really late with this post y’all lol. I meant to post this like a month ago but anyways here we go:

A few weeks ago I had my first real mommy’s day out. What does that mean? Well a day were I decided to go out and the baby stayed her with her daddy. I was not alone on this venture, no I brought another mommy with me, my sister in law Diandra. 

We decided to go to the Movie Tavern to see the movie IT. I was so excited. we planned the mommy date early in the week. It was nice to have something to look forward to for the end of the week. When Friday came, we made sure it was a time when all the little ones were in bed so that the dads wouldn’t have a panic attack having to handle all the baby responsibilities on their own. 

We traveled to the Tavern, had fun conversation, got good food and was entertained. At the end of the day, I felt like I did the first time my mom told me I could go to the movies by myself when I was in middle school. Needless to say, it was a freeing feeling. Don’t get me wrong I love my baby but there’s something about getting a night out and being able to share that with another mom is very special. 

[rynnvstill]

Bearing  Burdens

**Spoiler Alert** If you plan on watching Greenleaf I want to warn you now, there will be spoilers in this blog. Ok here I go: 

SO! I’ve started reading Francis Chan’s book Multiply recently. (started reading it like two or three years ago but as I was reading it under a tree, a bird pooped on my first copy and my forehead.) I’ve finally order a new copy off of Amazon and I’m doing a deep study on the material and I’m learning some good stuff. 

I across a section in the “Life in the Church” section that reads as follows:

“We have to be clear about what it means to help the people God has placed in our lives. We gravitate toward solutions that are quick and easy. When it comes to helping people, we often address the surface level of the problem but never get down to the heart of the matter. When someone is grieving, we might hand him a book that helped us in a difficult moment. But how many of us would take the time to really invest in his life? Would we listen on a consistent basis and offer help when we find a need that we are able to meet?” -Chan 57

This got me thinking about a moment on the show Greenleaf. Just a quick over view of the show, it’s about some of the scandals that go on in the church and how this particular family handles the scandals of the church (which in most cases is not handled well). One particular scandal dealt with the youngest sister of the Greenleaf family. In season one, her husband of three years was having homosexual struggles and was a keeping it a secret from his wife. He was looking at the gay section of tender and hiding it from her on his phone. He tried with all his might to fight the tendencies on his own. He even slept with his wife to try and have a baby and she became pregnant. 

Eventually, he couldn’t take his temptations any longer so he decided to go to a support group for Christians who struggle with their sexuality for help. He felt empowered to tell his wife that he was struggling and wanted her to come to the support group with him. HOWEVER, his wife (who supported having a homosexual lead praise an worship) just could not be married to a man who had gay tendencies. She said “you are what you are” and left him to die in his sin. HE REACHED OUT FOR HELP!!! On top of her disowning him, her family also turned there backs on him. And guess what... he said ok well I”m gay then and he got with a man.

This particular part of the show struck a nerve with me because of the passage I read in Francis Chans book. This is not how we are to handle a hurting brother or sister in Christ. We are fallen people and our evil desires try to pull us away from Christ all the time. Instead of giving the hurting saint a quick fix, we need to walk them back into the Kingdom of God. My heart broke for Kevin’s character because I’ve seen this sort of behavior in the church. 

I encourage all believers to remember we can’t do it alone and a broken heart, a heart the realizes it needs to be saved, is a hand to hold, an ear to listen and a saint to walk with. 

[rynnvstill]

Instagram and other things

Stressed... -_____-

Instagram is usually my haven from Facebook drama. I’ve very selective with who I allow to follow me and what I follow myself. I just want to post pretty and interesting pictures, and also like a few interesting pictures. Yesterday, one of the Christian pages (who requested me and I decided to follow) posted a very disturbing post. 

The page posted something that said “I don’t understand what we call 9/11 an act of terror and not the lynching and burnings of black people” or something like that. This isn’t the first time a “Christian” page I followed put up something strange like this and normally I would just unfollow the strange page and move on with my life. However, at first I agreed with the post because being African American I’ve experience oppression and racism. I understand how the person feels because the horrific actions towards black people from the time of slavery in American to this very day is never addressed as terrorism. However, I do believe there is a time and place for that conversation and yesterday was not one of those time. 

I felt like the Holy Spirit convicted me because yes I am an African American but in Christ I have a new identity and representing His agenda goes before any agenda. What is Christ agenda? Christ’ agenda is to love a broken world and to show them who the true Healer of our sin is. So I felt lead to address the post. 

I mentioned to the instagramer that since her page professes Christ, the type of rhetoric that was being display was not showing the love of Christ but was insensitive to the lives lost on 9/11. especially since it was posted on 9/11. The person (sex unknown) running the page became very defensive and accused me of being offended by the post. I wasn’t offended as I was trying to look out for them. Help them realize that if you are going to have a God centered instagram where there are white people following you, you might want to ask the question What would Jesus post? 

Long story short, the person blocked me because they didn’t want to hear what I had to say. Moral of  the story (talking to myself in this) be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to be angry. Think about what you post before you post it, and ask yourself How would Jesus respond or what would Jesus post.

In other news, I shot several bulls eyes tonight while shooting in the basement with my husband (bee bee guns that is). I’m usually opposed to shooting in the basement for two reasons: my basement is sketchy (it looks like silence of the lambs), there are occasions where my husband would see a critter down there, i’m not a big fan of shooting guns anymore ever since last years gun crazy with the cops and unarmed black men. I don’t even really like playing war video games anymore because the graphics are too real and too well graphic. My husband claims it’s a great stress reliever. Not really my cup of tea but i’m trying this new thing where I do things that he likes because it makes him happy to share his hobbies with me. It actually makes me feel good to give him that satisfaction. In return he watched an episode of Top Model with me (on Hulu). So it was a win win for the both of us. 

PS: married couple should try doing that sometimes. Ladies go to the race track, watch a game, play video games, or whatever your husband is into. Husbands watch DWTS, color, go shopping, get a manicure, listen to those girly songs. It will make your spouse feel treasured. 

Well that’s all for now this blog is already kinda long. Thank you for reading if you’ve made it to the end. 

[rynnvstill]

While we were yet sinner, Christ died. Romans 5:8

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(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34C3cUGY88A)

Starting a YouTube Channel!

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Unplugged.

I once post a status on Facebook expressing how I missed the old days of social media. The days when you were just catching up with old friends, challenging each other on bejeweled and sharing funny cat videos. I was quickly criticized for the status and was told I need to “stay informed”. But that was my point, Facebook wasn’t a place for staying informed and social/political shouting matches. It was a place to connect and to network with people our own age. Somewhere along the way, older people joined, businesses joined, celebrities, and politicians. And because we are not speaking face to face, those who don’t normally get involved in debates all of a sudden are experts and scholars. It’s very exhausting and even depressing.

I noticed that I would just be on Facebook or even Instagram out of boredom. I would obsessively check my notifications for likes. I felt like a drug addict. And being so connected, seeing angry post after angry post, started to wear on me. The voices of other constantly swarded my mind. What does this person think of me? is this status going to cause an unwanted debate? what do I always get attached for posting my option. So I did what I needed to do to get peace; I unplugged.

I don’t know if you noticed (it’s ok if you didn’t) but I took a week break from social media. It was literally the best week I have had in a very long time. The good thing was I didn’t even want to be on social media. I felt like a weight was lifted. I didn’t worry about what anyone thought except for my husband. I was more engaged when playing with Naomi and actually had meaningful conversations with Charlie. I felt free. 

Saying all that to say, you probably won't see much of me on social media but I’ll still be around...if you care. It’s good to get away sometimes and have human time with love ones. I spent great amount of time with the Lord and ultimately gain peace from removing social media from the throne of my heart and giving Jesus back is rightful seat. I encourage everyone to unplug every once in a while. Well it’s been a great chat and I’ll see ya when I see ya. 

- Taryn 

[rynnvstill]

30 Day Blog Challenge

List ten people living or dead that you would invite to a dinner party. Include the menu

My menu would consist of the best seafood platers in the country made by the top chefs (Gordon Ramsay and Bobby Flay) in the country. 

Here is my guess list:

1. Michael Jackson

2. KT Tunstall

3. Cookie Monster (Frank Oz)

4. Leonardo Dicaprio

5. Charlamagne 

6. Rhianna 

7. Simone Biles

8. Misty Copeland

9. Mark Ballas 

10. Jay Manuel ( Mr.Jay)

[rynnvstill]

30 Day Blog Challenge

Day 28 What is something or someone you miss?

So I miss a period of time. I miss the 90s. I never thought I would say it but yes, I miss the 90s. It was such an innocent time or maybe I thought it was because I was a child. I remember watching awesome cartoons, there were awesome toys, candy was cheaper and the internet wasn’t the go to for entertainment. 

I remember actually making plans to hang out with friends and calling people on the the landline phone. I feel like this period in time was so peaceful because we weren’t so connected, knowing everything that was going on in the world. sometimes ignorance is bliss in that way. 

I remember when the internet was actually starting to get popular in the early 00s. I had a myspace and yes myspace helped me meet my husband but the internet brought a lot of sorrow my way. I had big blow ups over AIM and Myspace. This is why I love the 90s. I could just be a kid and live life and it was awesome.