s4l4h

[s4l4h]

I am grateful that my suffering, did not force me to become cruel.

Mandeq Ahmed

[s4l4h]

Its April 8th, 2025 today. There's no significance of the day. I've slept for 15 hours today. I missed my first class and now I'm in my second class. I'm actually in the bathroom right now and I pocketed some tampons from the bathroom. I sometimes feel guilty for doing so, but they were green and green in my favorite color. I'm studying poems in English class today and I'm kinda nervous about having to memorize my poem for my last class of the he semester. I wonder what mental state will be by then. Will I have to worry about where I live the week after, or will there be enough food for that summer. Oh also, my dad texted me today. It wasn't pleasant.

[s4l4h]

“Call me whatever you like; I am who I must be.”

—  Friedrich Nietzsche

[s4l4h]

i forget to remind myself that the problem is the people. you make me me hate myself and though i believe it deserved, was it so necessary to announce?

[s4l4h]

today i weighed myself in kg. i thought that the kg to lb ratio would make me prefer to see low numbers in the kg but unfortunately that number disgusted me too.

[s4l4h]

the age im at in nothing like how ive imagined it be. actually my ears are ringing right now. my head hurt my eyes hurt my body hurts and everything hurts right now. i haven’t been able to cry in a couple weeks. today is the day after my 4 months with my boyfriend! it’s also the day after Valentine’s Day! i had a really good time with him. he came over for two nights and honestly i loved it. he couldn’t enjoy himself because he likes to get up and be active. but all i did those two nights was nothing. i did nothing but lay in bed and ask him to lay with me. i loved that he did even though he told me it makes him feel depressed too. and honestly, i don’t get any reason to feel a type of way because of that. ive been feeling worse and worse lately. i started smoking again and i started up drinking. and today im quitting. it’s not for me i just realized. something that i think a lot is if my brain makes these decisions for me without my permission. sometimes it feels like im asleep and nobody can hear me they can just watch me through a glass. if i could say something to everyone in the world that is angry at me right now, id say im sorry ive come into their lives. i try to blame my illness but truth is that i am that. i am this person that acts out and appearing happy and excited to everyone. truthfully? yeah i am. what else? sometimes im not. sometimes i hate everyone and everything and i hate myself and whoever brought me into this world. i dont pick up calls anymore and i hate myself for that. i dont do homework or go to class. i never do anything. i think im gonna give it some time though. i think the only way i can get worse is if i cvt myself, which is why im gonna give it some time. last time, two years ago, i said that i would give my life one more chance. i dont have anymore chances to give. but i have a searing pain that’s holding me back from giving it all up. in my head it can all be undone. and it wont… ill start tomorrow by taking a cold shower. LOL

[s4l4h]

anddddddd we’re back! (end of a manic episode)

[s4l4h]

i’ve been really close to relapsing SH but i can’t.

i promised my family, friends and my self that i’d never go back to SH.

but i want it so bad.

i want to see the blood,

and i want new scars.

all of mine are faded now.

i want that head rush; the high of the after math.

i need it.

but i can’t.

but i want to so,

so bad.

[s4l4h]

“A soul mate is not the person who makes you the happiest, but the one that makes you feel the most. Who conducts your heart to bang the loudest, who can drag you giggling with forgiveness from the cellar they locked you in.”

— Sierra DeMulder, excerpt from “Unrequited Love Poem”

[s4l4h]

no one haunts me more than the spirit of my wasted potential

[s4l4h]

“So, if you are too tired to speak, sit next to me because I, too, am fluent in silence.”

— R. Arnold

[s4l4h]

i’ve been trying to lock in at university so i’m cosplaying a mentally stable person

[s4l4h]

it’s getting so much worse again

[s4l4h]

[s4l4h]

My first love started as a dream,

In my own unconscious.

My current love lives out my dream,

He is not only in mind,

He is in body and soul.

[s4l4h]

“I’m one of those people that you have to keep your eye on or I’ll wander off into the woods and forget to come back.”

— Jack White

[s4l4h]

My body is separate from my mind. You should’ve never met my mind.