saccred

[saccred]

LILLIAN.

lil poked her tongue into her cheek, wondering if he was talking about alex. probably; she wanted to bring it up, ask him if he’d meant what he said to her. but this wasn’t the time for it. they could have that conversation if he got out - when he got out. “we can talk about all that another time. too much to unpack.” she scrunched her nose up. she also didn’t want shiloh to storm away from her over the spencer thing, and maybe that was manipulative to keep it from him, but she felt the same way; she wasn’t in the mood to lose anyone else she was close to over something like that. she bounced her leg up and down anxiously as she listened to him, leaning over to rest her head on the side of the booth as he talked. she knew the feeling - if it hadn’t been part of her deal to get off scot-free she probably wouldn’t be in therapy, but going had been good for her, which was why she’d been trying to needle shiloh into going. “is it not real even if it’s in your head? it’s real to you, isn’t it?” wasn’t there a harry potter quote that said something like that? in the last book, when harry had been in limbo, weighing between life and death. “i’m not saying we have to stop getting drunk and having fun and going to parties. i like doing that stuff with you,” a weak smile managed to tug at the corners of her lips, earnest, “i just think we should sprinkle in talking more.” she worried her bottom lip, trying to think of something that might help him. “when it’s the last few seconds of a game and you’re exhausted, you don’t just linger complacently, right? even if it’s more comfortable to just stand there and watch, you still push your muscles to win. it’s the same thing, just up here.” she tapped her temple with her index finger. “and it’s hard, and it sucks, and sometimes you have to sit in an ice bath for over an hour but it’s worth it, right?” was that dumb? she hoped that wasn’t dumb. “and guess what? you telling me that is already progress.” 

“ we’ll have to do it in batches. i only get so many minutes to talk, ” shiloh said. and yeah, he was aware that lillian probably meant they could talk when he got out, but. shiloh’s always the first to brag about his capabilities and his successes but he knew this wasn’t something he’d win. he pursed her lips at her question, shifting slightly in his seat. this was the most talking they’ve ever done -- the most talking he’s done ever -- and he clearly wasn’t used to it. the discomfort was evident as he scratched at a mark on the table between them, desperate for a distraction. “ it’s not real when it’s just in your head. up there it’s just a fear or a worry or an insecurity, even, and those are easier to ignore when it’s just you aware of it, instead of when you tell someone else. down the road it’ll start feeling more like you imagined the shit happened instead of actually remembering it. ” he sighed, sitting back in his seat. it was clear that it’d take a while before shiloh started really opening up to lillian, but at least he wasn’t fully blowing her off like he’d normally do. “ nice sports analogy by the way. your freshman psychology textbook teach you that one ? ” he tried joking.

[saccred]

ALEX.

“try me,” alex hummed with a small smirk, brushing a strand of her hair behind her ear because she wasn’t sure what to do with her hands. “don’t worry. i’ll bring you a pack of cigarettes to make up for it.” she shook her head slightly, and she wanted to scream at him, don’t you know that i’d do anything for you? don’t you know that i owe you everything? but she was pretty sure that if she did, she would start crying, and she knew that the last thing shiloh needed was to see her cry right now. “it’s not a big deal. don’t worry about it.” shrugging her shoulders slightly, alex bit down on her bottom lip and glanced up at him through her dark lashes, “you’ve always taken care of me. it’s my turn to take care of you.” if she closed her eyes, she could pretend that she could feel the warmth of his fingertips against her skin. if she closed her eyes, she could pretend they were in his bed, watching some stupid documentary she forced him to put on, pretending that they weren’t cuddling when they were completely wrapped up in each other. they would have that again. she would make sure of it. “no matter what,” alex promised firmly, meeting his coffee eyes and pressing her palm against the glass. “i don’t…i don’t think that my heart could take another day away from you.” letting out a low chuckle, she glanced down at her lap and shrugged her shoulders, “i think he got the message after i screamed at him in the locker room. i, uh, kind of lost it on him. real keeping up with the kardashians shit.”  

shiloh smiled at that, shaking his head. “ thank you, ” he said, much to soft for what was meant to be sarcastic. but he couldn’t help it, not this time. not anymore. “ not a big deal ? ” he repeated incredulously. “ i would’ve been stuck with a really shitty public defender if not for you. i don’t feel completely doomed anymore, and i appreciate now having that sort of assurance. i need as much as i can get in here. ” well... at least he now was going to do down in a slightly more dignified way with this big shot lawyer helping him out. of course, as dignified as someone with an impending guilty sentence and battery and assault and whatever the fuck else spencer’s lawyer figured out to charge him with could be. oh, God, what if he got a charge of trespassing, too ? fuck. “ doesn’t really feel like i’ve been taking good care of you lately, ” he scoffed slightly, fiddling with the cord on the phone. he’d made her cry in the past two months, for fuck’s sake. they’ve fought a lot, more than they ever have and that’s -- not what a good friend does. he matched her hand placement again, palm against palm through the glass and smile small, sad. this was going to be the hardest part of all of this, wasn’t it ? alex could visit him all she wanted in prison but eventually the meetings would trickle down and space out as she moved on, got swamped with med school and meet a nice guy. losing his freedom was one thing -- losing his lifeline was something else. “ really ? ” shiloh smiled a little more fully at that, amused. “ ...so, you two are... done ? or are you still a thing ‘cause he finds hulk-you super hot ? ” casual.

[saccred]

ALEX.

god. that fucking smile. it laid her the fuck out. just knocked flat, rendered useless. she was a fucking goner. “don’t think that i won’t tell on you just because you got arrested for me,” alex teased with an equally stupid grin. maybe making him laugh was the only way she could make him feel better. maybe that was all she could do for now. “i said it’s taken care of.” she paused and glanced at him, “don’t worry. your parents didn’t have to pay for anything.” she figured it was the least her dad could do after the sinclairs practically raised her. he figured it was the least he could do for her after a lifetime of not being there for her when she needed him. “you’re not going to prison,” she repeated firmly, meeting his gaze with a stern frown. “but if––and i mean if because it’s not fucking happening––you were sent to prison…” alex reached for his hand on reflex and frowned when she remembered that she couldn’t touch him. instead, she pressed her fingertips against the glass and bit down on her bottom lip, “if you were ever sent to prison, i’d visit you, and call you, and write you so many stupid letters that you’d be grateful you were in a maximum security cell just to keep me from smothering you.” shaking her head slightly, alex quickly added, “but you’re not going to prison. i won’t allow it.”   

“ if you rat on me she’s going to come in here yelling at me, y’know. you wouldn’t embarrass me like that. i’m trying to be the cool guy here, ” he joked, because it was easy, joking about his jail rep instead of really leaning back and accepting that fuck, i’m actually, really fucking in jail, aren’t i. shiloh opened his mouth slightly at that, shocked. alex’s dad was a really good attorney, and shiloh didn’t expect anything less of his friends. a feee had to be in the upper upper thousands, at least, and he was doing it for free ? “ i don’t know what to say, ” he mumbled, thinking how maybe things wouldn’t be so bad now that he had an actual, good lawyer. “ thank you. i -- yeah. ” thank you sounded so lame but what else could he offer her besides his words ? he obviously didn’t have anything to give her in return. his eyes flicked up when he noticed her hand moving, reaching his out to press his fingers against where hers lay opposite of him. “ you have to promise me that, ” he said, quieter. “ you have to promise me you’ll visit me and all those other things. no matter what. i’ll go fucking crazy in there if i don’t ever hear from you again. i went crazy not hearing from you for a week. ” don’t fucking cry, shiloh. he felt like already he was being too raw and vulnerable and all the things he shouldn’t be around her. “ does, um. does spencer know ? that you’re helping me ? ” which side of the courtroom would she sit on ? spencer’s or shiloh’s ? and yes, he was very aware that literally every other time he brought up spencer, shit hit the fan between them, but he couldn’t help but ask. 

[saccred]

LILLIAN.

lil sighed, knowing that shiloh was right. the two of them together were like peas in a pod, but to everyone else? a raging forest fire, loose canons, too much destruction. “all the more reason to make it out, yeah?” that wasn’t entirely up to shiloh, but she had faith that maybe he could turn things around. that maybe both of them weren’t doomed to keep fucking up their lives until they were fucking dead. “and you think i do? did you forget who i am already?” she doubted shiloh wanted to hear about her and spencer, the person whose charges put him in here. and she wasn’t eager to bring up her fight with alex, either, because as far as she knew he still wasn’t talking to her. “trust me when i say you don’t want to hear about anything i have to talk about. i’m sparing you.” at his frown lil gave him a look, slouching as she drew her knee up to get comfortable on the seat, using it like a perch as she rested her chin on her kneecap. “we don’t talk. we drink until we black out and don’t remember how we got back to campus.” granted, last time had been fun, eating pizza at a stupidly late hour and badly playing video games on lil’s nintendo switch and playing spin the bottle, apparently. “we’re going to mess things up so bad one day we’re not going to be able to fix it. can’t we just-… be honest with each other without getting drunk?” she swallowed, throat thick. “i’m not saying we suddenly have to tell each other our dark secrets or anything, i just-…” she toyed with her shoelaces, voice breaking; “i fucking hate seeing you in here.” something needed to change, and lil didn’t know what it was or how to really fix it but maybe they could just start there.

“ yeah, ” he mumbled. it was really, really fucking hard to look on the bright side of things, to stay optimistic and tell himself that okay, no, wait, maybe you will get out, maybe the jury won’t find you guilty. he didn’t want to try to overcome his rotten personality and give himself hope only to get locked up for real next time, whenever next time even happened given how fucking long lawyers could take to start trial. shiloh couldn’t help at chuckle at her all-too familiar wording, saying, “ alright. last time i told someone they don’t want to hear what’s on my mind i told them anyways and then i lost them because of it. can’t afford to lose anyone else at this point, so. okay. thanks for sparing me. ” he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t curious about what’s been bothering her. maybe some months along the line, if she visited him again, he’d pry again. he watched as she shifted in her seat, clearing his throat softly as she basically read them for filth. it was true, it was all true no matter how much he wanted to protest that he never had much to talk about, anyways, that they didn’t need to talk. he did know that he didn’t want to talk about this, though, not now. not when he was like this. she was going to make him cry, for fuck’s sake. shiloh sighed, breath shaky. he cleared his tight throat again. “ i -- i don’t like talking about... my problems and... the shit that goes on in my life. i don’t tell anyone, i don’t crack because... because if i do, then it’s not just in my head anymore. talking about something is accepting that it’s real and that’s -- that’s fucking terrifying. so i like it when we go to parties or even just stay at mine and drink and -- not talk. it’s... bad for me, i know, and you’re right, we’re really going to fuck ourselves over by keeping everything in, but. for me, it’s more comforting than the alternative. ”

[saccred]

SPENCER.

spencer had only been to a jail once and it was nothing at all like how he remembered it. his older brother, sebastian, had gotten into such a bad fight at school that they actually called the police to detain him. he remembered the day so vividly, his mom was in tears– her belly swollen as she was due any day. it was different this time. he sat patiently before officers patted him down and escorted him into the room. it was long with what looked like 12 booths for people to come in and talked to their people on the other side. he sat and couldn’t help but fidgeted with his nails as they brought shiloh out. his face was still bruised, but it looked like he was healing a lot quicker than spencer. for a split second he thought shiloh wasn’t even going to pick the phone up. what did spencer want from shiloh? why was he even here? “uh–” he was lost for words as he stared at the shell of the guy he once knew. “i wanted to come see you?” he cleared his throat.

shiloh didn’t want to be anywhere near spencer right now. or ever, actually. he knew realistically they’d never recover from this moment, from shiloh hitting spencer and spencer sending him to jail from it. no amount of skincare jokes and shared fitness videos on youtube could ever fix the friendship they once had. “ you wanted to come see me ? ” shiloh repeated, unconvinced and annoyed. “ what, were you too excited to wait to see me at trial that you had to come here ? ” it didn’t make sense, why was spencer here ? the only plausible thing he could think of was that spencer had information about their case, but still, shiloh could’ve swore there were other avenues to that other than him being visited by the guy who’s trying to send him to prison. “ why are you here ? seriously. ”

[saccred]

ALEX.

she laughed. she was talking to her best friend in prison, not sure if he’d be free to come home to her in the next five years, and she laughed harder than she had all week. he’d always had that effect on her. he could ruin her with that smile. that grin, those lips. he could pull the wild out of her. maybe he already had. “fuck, i can’t believe you got arrested before i could see that. you would’ve looked real cute with the curly hair.” maybe she was clinging to optimism because she couldn’t hold onto him with a pane of glass keeping them apart––or maybe it was because she knew she’d be sent into a tailspin if she thought about losing shiloh just after she got him back. one of them had to keep it together.  “he’s good––ruthless and awful––but good. i don’t think he’s the kind of guy that takes cases he thinks he’s going to lose.” her lips twitched into a small frown as she shook her head,  “hey, don’t say that. everything is going to be okay. you’re going to be okay.” she paused and bit down on her bottom lip, “we’re going to be okay. we always are, aren’t we?”      

they were laughing. just like that. it might have been quick, the static between them after their fight, their kiss, but it was even quicker, how they came back together. a lot of things were going wrong for shiloh but this -- this wasn’t one of them. “ as if. you know how fussy maura gets about my hair, ” he smiled into the phone. if he was in a romcom he’d be one of those fucking middle schoolers calling their crush at night with their ankles linked in the air. ridiculous. he sighed, scratching at the underside of his jaw. “ and he’s doing this for free ? are you sure ? ” it’d suck, obviously, if they lost the case and shiloh was sent to prison; it’d suck even more if his parents had retainer fees on top of that. he watched as alex assured him of their future, silent as she spoke. his eyes fell on her lips and God, he was thinking about their kiss again. he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it since it happened, truthfully. it was like -- like he couldn’t ever imagine not kissing her again. and over the week shiloh’s come to terms that okay, alright, that wasn’t a normal friend thing to think about, was it. maybe he... maybe he liked alex more than a friend. he did like her more than a friend -- shiloh liked alex a lot. but it was a little fucking late for that revelation, wasn’t it. “ what if it’s not okay, though ? ” he asked her. he’d love it, honestly, if they survived through this again, but the odds were nowhere near his favor this time around. “ what happens to us if i get sent to prison for this ? ”

[saccred]

LILLIAN.

lil nodded. “it’s a good movie. and a good comic, too. i hope you don’t find it insufferable.” but she’d called shiloh up at 3 a.m. and forced him to watch to all the boys i’ve loved before with her when she’d had a nightmare and he’d done that for her, until he’d knocked out, at least. she smiled, shrugging her shoulders. “i always watched the movie first. i’d rather watch something shorter to see if i like it. reading’s time consuming.” she could see shiloh making fun of book nerds, it seemed in his character. whenever he ran into her on shift he’d make fun of whatever she was reading out of boredom. “don’t mention it, it’s fine.” she tried to wave it off. if he ended up in here for a while… lil would bring him some more books to read, but saying that implied that he was going to be here for a while and lil didn’t think he needed that reminder. she screwed up her face, unsure of how to elaborate. “myself?” she laughed a bit, twirling one of her curls around her index finger. “i don’t know, shiloh. i’m just-… not doing too hot right now. but this isn’t about me, so.” she waved it off, not able to look at him while admitting that. it felt selfish, but she was genuinely tired of herself. “y-yeah… i-…” her eyes searched the sad features of his face when she finally looked back at him, eyes a little teary. “why the fuck are we like this?” she couldn’t help but laugh a bit. “i think we should make it a new rule that we need to talk more. proposition one.” she tapped lightly at the glass with her fingernails. 

shiloh scoffed, amused. “ i’m not exactly picky about my entertainment here, ” he said, smiling. lillian could’ve brought him a book about what fingernails were made of and he’d still read it cover to cover; it’s not like he had any other options. “ it’s people like us that the world is trying to get rid of, ” he chuckled. he and lillian had always been and said things people never tended to like -- it’s honestly the main reason why they got along so well, twistedly enough. if he got out of jail quick enough maybe he’d make it in time for when he and lillian inevitably got burned at the stake for getting called out on how much shit they talked about other people when they were eating dinner at the dining hall or bothering each other at work. ( alright, shiloh, stop thinking about that stuff. that was then and this is now. this is your life now. ) “ well can we make it about you ? i’m not exactly bursting with great stories to tell right now. ” anything would be better than talking about himself, honestly. but it’s like lillian read his mind, because she was calling him out on his bullshit. “ we talk, ” shiloh frowned, knowing damn well they skirted around everything. he was worse about it. “ dunno’ what you’re trying to say. ”

[saccred]

PRESTON.

preston: did i?

messi: if you actually wanted nudes then yes, u did

[saccred]

LILLIAN.

lil offered a weak smile, nodding her head. “yeah… it’s scott pilgrim, which i don’t know if you’re into, honestly. but i hope you like it, anyway.” it was lighthearted and funny, at least, so maybe it’d help take him out of his head a bit. she couldn’t see shiloh as a dense read kind of guy, but-. “i kind of realized i don’t know what kind of books you like. do you even like books?” he probably wasn’t; he seemed like the type to go out and do something in his free time instead of hole up with fictional characters. she snorted a bit, shaking her head. “you never owe me anything, remember?” except their bet from that party; but had he already done that? did he really feel that way about alex? she wasn’t going to bring that up. his smile made her feel a little bit more at ease. lil wished she could reach through the glass, because shiloh talking meant things weren’t okay. he wasn’t blowing her off, he wasn’t telling her off for making him seem like a baby - he was talking. it was hard to hear all of it. the few times she’d visited her brother he never complained about anything once. then again, lil didn’t exactly think he felt remorse for what he’d done. hearing what shiloh was going through made it hard for her to breathe. “i’m sorry.” she wondered if he even heard her through the receiver. “that still sounds awful. let me know if you need a chiropractor when you get out of here; i know a good one.” she hoped a book would be some kind of distraction from everything, and she hoped he got out of here sooner rather than later. “uhm… i’m okay.” it wasn’t exactly a lie, but she wasn’t entirely sure if it was the truth either. “i think i just need a break.” she needed to step away and get some perspective. spencer made her want to be a better person, but he was also dating the same friend she’d already messed up with. she didn’t know how to feel about it yet, and didn’t think shiloh would give any less of a fuck. “do you know when your trial is yet?” 

shiloh’s eyebrows lifted slightly at the familiar title, interested. “ i’ve heard of the movie but i never watched it. y’know, the one with michael cera. didn’t know there was a book for it, though, ” he said. it felt weird, having something to look forward to in jail now. it made him feel like he had a waking purpose now, at least. it wasn’t just wake up, sit, eat, and repeat until he got beat to death or sent to prison after his trial anymore. now he could throw in a book somewhere in the middle of that God-awful routine. “ i was never a book kid, ” he admitted, “ i used to make fun of the people who got so anal about reading a book before seeing its movie. ” he’d always been more of a math and science guy, obvious by his major, but this was the first time he ever looked forward to having a book to read. he was genuinely thankful. “ still. thank you. ” let me know if you need a chiropractor when you get out of here. “ yeah... ” shiloh nodded absently. he didn’t think he’d ever be leaving because his case really did suck, but she didn’t need to hear that shit and he didn’t need to think it. “ a break from what ? ” he shook his head at her question, sighing down the line. “ no, i don’t. that’s the really fucking shitty part of this -- i could be in here for months. over a year, even. it just depends on how long it takes spencer’s attorney to gather evidence and get witnesses and whatnot. ”

[saccred]

ALEX.

alex blinked and a soft, surprised smile twitched across her lips briefly, “i’ve missed you, too. so much.” she didn’t know how to explain what losing him felt like. when she was a kid, she used to hold on to the swing set chains for just a second too long, and the yank in her arms would send shivering shocks down her spinal column. sometimes, the ache of missing him was just like that, like little biting ants constantly and quietly reminding her of his absence. a broken laugh trickled out of her mouth, and she shook her head, staring at the flickering light overhead to keep herself from crying. “it’s like…nothing mattered because all i wanted to do was tell you about it…and you weren’t there.” she knew it’d be a fight. it was always a fight with shiloh––even when she was trying to help him. “it’s already taken care of,” she said, tone final as she shook her head. “he doesn’t think so. my dad didn’t tell me the details, but he sounded pretty confident.” she drummed her fingers on top of the counter separating them and frowned. she, selfishly, wanted to feel his skin, but she also wanted to make sure that he was okay. she wanted to hold his hand. “please don’t be mad at me anymore. i’m really sorry that i ruined everything…but i don’t think i can go any longer without you in my life.” 

shiloh felt like his breath caught in his throat when she said it back. he didn’t think she actually missed him as well, had been spending the past week learning how to be just the shiloh in shilohandalex. he chuckled slightly, honestly shocked that she said it back, the smallest sign of life behind his recently dulled eyes. “ did you know i fucking googled the best way to apologize to someone ? i just felt like such shit and wanted to try and make things better between us if i could, and youtube rec’d me some video from a movie with heath ledger singing to a girl on the bleachers. i would’ve done that for you. ” it was too easy -- scarily easy, almost, how fast shiloh felt like he could be normal around alex again. but he bit his bottom lip after he spoke, because he needs to hold back. that was the issue the first time. that’s why they stopped talking. he couldn’t keep his mouth shut, couldn’t figure out why it felt impossible being just her friend. alex was with spencer, he had to remember that. that’s why he was behind bars, after all. “ he must be looking at a different fucking case, then, ” shiloh mumbled, biting harder on his lip before wincing at the pain. it was still taking time for it to heal from the fight. “ i wasn’t ever mad at you, alex, ” he said, looking at her, “ and you didn’t ruin anything. everything shitty that’s happened in the past couple of weeks have been because of me. ” he sighed at that last part, opening his mouth to say something before closing it, rethinking his words. he swallowed hard. “ can we be honest with each other right now ? because i -- i don’t think you’ll have me with you for much longer, alex. realistically. i don’t... i don’t have any hope for this case. i think a jury’s going to see me and look at me and hear what i did and want to send me to prison because of it. ”

[saccred]

📩 TEXT > messicat

Sawyer: would kissing only happen when it was regular skin contact... how would we know is our lips and whats not

Messi: where would the regular skin be if we're entirely lip skin?

[saccred]

closed for @spxncxrt.

“ sinclair, you have another visitor. let’s go. ” what the fuck. shiloh groaned from where he felt like he had just lied down, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed to let the guard handcuff him again. he should be grateful, he knows, because half of the guys here hadn’t heard from anyone in the months they’d been here. but shiloh just -- didn’t want to see anyone. it was hard enough by himself processing what had happened to him; he didn’t particularly feel like being vulnerable in front of another person right now. it attracted a lot of unwanted attention, too, the other inmates snickering as he walked past and mocking, “ sinclair, your carriage is here now. ” shiloh hoped it was this supposed attorney alex got him and not someone he’d have to see look at him with pity. he’d fucked up, he knows, and he doesn’t feel like assuring someone that he’s alright again. he might cry this time. the guard uncuffed him and pointed to the booth where the person visiting him was waiting. shiloh was rubbing his wrists as he walked to the seat, sitting down without looking to see who was there. that was how he was getting into these messes, wasn't it ? not fucking checking to see who was about to fuck up his life. shiloh frowned, face to face with fucking spencer. his jaw tightened as he looked at him, tempted to walk out right now. he didn’t have to stay, right ? he could leave ? shiloh grabbed the phone and pressed it to his ear, muttering darkly, “ what the fuck do you want from me. ”

[saccred]

📩 TEXT >

Sawyer: why is your lip skin different from the rest of your skin

Sawyer: if ur whole body was lip skin we would have like giant rolls of chapstick everywhere

Sawyer: if u shook hands would it be kissing

Messi: would kissing still be kissing if our entire body was lip skin or would we have come up with a different way of showing affection

[saccred]

cadavcrs‌:

snapchat >> open

preston: send nudes

messi: definitely think you sent this to the wrong person 

[saccred]

LILLIAN.

this wasn’t lil’s first rodeo, but that fact didn’t make her feel any less anxious as she walked into the detainment center and handed over her i.d. so that she could visit shiloh. once they’d cleared her they let her into the visitation room, and she sat on the stool in front of the phone anxiously, bouncing her leg up and down as she waited for him. her anxious posture straightened up at the sight of him, expression twisting from one emotion to the other; she was happy to see him but not here, glad he was okay but upset that he had to pretend to be, conflicted about him being behind the glass even if he’d really messed up. once he was sat down across from her she picked up the phone, chewing at the inside of her cheek. “hey…” she was at a loss of what to say, but the feeling wasn’t new to her. “i brought you a book,” her tone felt unnatural, too forced into pleasantness. she just didn’t want to be a debby-downer; she hadn’t come here to make him feel worse. “you should get it once they make sure i didn’t write down break-out instructions in the pages. don’t worry, they won’t be able to decrypt them…” even though it was a joke she still glanced nervously at the officer standing guard over them, scratching her head nervously. “but uhm-… how are you holding up?” 

God, this was so embarrassing. shiloh never once has given two shits about what people think of him, because you don’t go around being as big as a dick as he was when you care about opinions and feelings, whatever those were, but this was making him feel weird, like she shouldn’t be seeing him like this. the fight was never supposed to amount to this, this weird reality in where he was talking to lillian through a phone. “ you brought me a book ? ” shiloh repeated, surprised. he was surprised she’d come to visit him as it was -- he certainly wasn’t expecting to receive an item from it, either. “ wow. um, thanks, ” he said, scratching at his arm. he could see the reflection of the orange jumpsuit he was wearing against the window. “ you’re making me look like shit, though, ‘cause i didn’t get you anything. ” he found it in him to smile slightly, resting his arm against the table more comfortably. he bit his lower lip at her question, shrugging a shoulder and looking down at his hand. “ it’s -- rough, ” he decided on saying, watching his words carefully. he’d been an emotional wreck but she didn’t need to know that. “ everything’s just sort of really... cramped ? a lot of people here. my cellmate’s fine enough, hasn’t given me any real trouble yet. he’s like forty. it’s hard to sleep at night because the beds are so fucking uncomfortable, and then a lot of the other guys here don’t shut up at night and it makes the guards come out and start yelling at them. but, ” he sighed, looking back at her now, clearly defeated by everything, “ it’s jail. i didn’t expect memory foam and clean showers. ...how’re you ? ”

[saccred]

ALEX.

alex figured that she must be one of the dumbest people in the world because she’d been given the same lesson again and again, and she just couldn’t seem to learn it. there weren’t any guarantees in life. you didn’t know how long you had with someone; she knew that better than most people––and yet she still was filled with so many regrets. she just looked at shiloh (( swollen eye, bruised knuckles, spit lip )) and thought about how in the fifth grade she punched tucker turley in the mouth for calling him a waste of space. how in the eighth grade she wrote him a song. how in the tenth grade he held her hand in the ambulance after she broke her leg. how he always gave her his last piece of gum. how he always brought an extra pudding for her. how his hair looked like a halo even in the hideous prison fluorescent lighting. she thought about all of this, and didn’t say a fucking word because she was the dumbest person alive. “i know you probably don’t want to see me,” she finally said quietly, anxiously tucking her hair behind her ear, “but i just wanted to tell you that i talked to my dad. he’s sending one of his friends over to talk to you.” the corner of her mouth tugged into a timid, wry smile, “don’t be an idiot and tell him to get lost. please?” 

shiloh hadn’t really seen alex in over a week. there’d be times when they passed by each other in the science buildings, but they’d pretend the other wasn’t there and walk the opposite direction like they hadn’t built a life together. it wasn’t easy, being away from her, but he also hated how they did it so... immediately. the texts and snapchats stopped, just like that. the barging into his room to see a movie, the walks to the dining hall at 2 a.m. to get ice cream, the hours spent working on homework until she slumped against his side, asleep -- it just stopped. he expected nothing less, of course, considering what happened between them, but it was just... he thought watching her slip through her fingers wouldn’t be this final, is all. so seeing her now, actually seeing her... “ no, no, that’s not -- i’ve missed you. ” he’s missed feeling whole. it’s like he’s been walking around with just one shoe this entire time, and he knows she’s probably been fine, somewhere with spencer. he wasn’t exactly holding on to hear her say she missed him back. “ i can’t afford an actual attorney, ” shiloh said, running a tired hand through his hair. “ and even then, why would he want to take on my case ? he’d lose. i swung first. i have a record. spencer can say he hit me back out of self defense. ”

[saccred]

closed for @gdialex​.

“ two visitors in one day, huh ? someone’s popular. ” shiloh ignored his cellmate’s words after the guard had approached again, telling him that someone was there to see him. this one had to be his attorney -- if his parents were going to visit him then it’d be as soon as hours started. he went through the process again of being handcuffed and led to the center. God, he was tired of this. and of course he didn’t ever think he’d enjoy being in jail -- even that sentence in of itself was ridiculous. he just didn’t realize how... mentally tolling it could be so quickly. surrounded by all these people, all older than him and in trouble for much serious ( or worse, similar ) things, not knowing how long he’d be there with them before his trial actually started... he felt disgusting, like he smelled like other people and stale, crowded air. he didn’t get any sleep the previous night, and it showed, hair messy and eyes red as he was un-cuffed by the guard. “ last booth, ” the guard instructed him, pointing towards the end. shiloh sighed, rubbing a hand down his face as he walked past the other inmates talking to their visitors. he hoped whatever idiot public defender the government got him had half a mind to leave him the fuck alone, but stopped in his tracks when he saw alex on the other side. ...fuck. shiloh swallowed thickly, steps slower and feeling heavier as he sat across from her, glass separating them. he hadn’t seen her in well over a week and to meet up like this ? they shouldn't be going through this for the second time. he couldn’t even imagine what she wanted to say to him, and he really couldn’t handle the idea of seeing her cry, either. shiloh took a deep breath before reaching for the phone, cradling it against his ear, eyes on hers.