sachisounds - Tumblr blog

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"you cant heal if you pretend you're not hurt"

-filmythings

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If there’s one thing I’ve come to understand yet still have not fully learned is that your self love is the most important thing to focus on.

I’m trying. Believe me, I am. Every day small small steps. I try to speak nice words to myself. And really try and think about that throughout the day. But if I’m being honest…

Can I be frank?

I hate myself. I hate how unregulated my brain feels. I hate how I’m impulsive. How I’m careless. How I have no care in the world and not in the good way.

I mean I guess not having a care is something some people can envy. But for me I realize it’s something that’s hindered my growth in so many aspects.

I want love so bad that I’m willing to compromise my boundaries (still learning how to assert them) I’m so willing to allow someone to make me feel lesser than, so willing to allow someone make me feel like i have to dim my light and not genuinely be my full crazy wild creative loving self.

That can’t be healthy. No. It’s NOT healthy.

But I’ve attributed it to my trauma (obviously)…

In the past I’ve dealt with so much betrayal, heartbreak and just feelings of unworthiness that it has led me to a point where I don’t value myself. I can’t look in the mirror and analyze my own beauty because I’m disgusted at the reflection. From all the things I’ve been through. From all the people who have not made me feel worthy of love and acceptance. People who have tossed me to the side.

It’s so hurtful.

And now I’m walking around like a zombie expecting someone to care about me and love me in a way I’ve never known when I can’t even do that for myself.

I know I need to work on my self love and peace more than anything. My self esteem too. And it feels crazy to even think “self esteem”? Because I don’t consider myself insecure. But that’s exactly what it is. I don’t look at myself in that beautiful light I express. I don’t think highly of myself. I’m constantly screaming on the inside about how horrible I am. And that is all as a result of the ego. The doubt. The pain. The tears. The reflection I have not even tried to love.

So this year I will work on self love. Because that is the utmost important aspect behind life and truly loving those around you in a way that is supernatural.

Healing is hard. And it hurts. And I’m trying.

But it’s hard.

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I miss 2012 tumblr.

Now it’s all a bunch of recycled tweets, posts about bullshit, cat tik toks, tittys and ads.

Please be serious.

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Tokyo 1980s

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Mieko Kawakami, from 'Heaven'

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