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what i see

people always wonder why i seem to be so apathetic to the suffering of others. maybe its because i dont have an emotional kneejerk reaction. but maybe it’s just a difference of what we see.

when i see the homeless man on the street, i don’t just see a homeless man on the street. i see all the homeless people all over the world, i see the girl whose mom spends all night at the casino and has no time to care for her, i see the girl whose whose in an arranged marriage and to deal with that takes home a new guy each day and i see my friend who has to spend all day at home to take care of his nephew since his sister married him into the obligation. 

i can’t save the world. i just hope i can protect those around me from it.

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you know its never good when i come on this site. i guess i really never too much positive to say if i’m here. but, whatever i guess haha.

i wanted to ask myself like, what do i actually see myself doing when i grow up that would make me happy? like not happy, but content. i’m really not too sure, i guess i’m as the textbooks say a ‘mix of personality’. there’s parts of me that want to be hyperconscientious and be successful, and there’s a part of my that just wants to party, there’s parts of me that wants to wants to find a nice girl and settle down, but there’s even a part of me that just wants to be player. i want to be a nice guy and make people around me happy, and help those that are in difficult positions, but at the same time sometimes you need to push people aside if you want to make it too the front.

i think the more i indulge any of these personalities, the more they will grow, therefore it’s important to choose one that is most valuable and try to facilitate the growth of that part of yourself. 

i wrote like 2x more than this. but i guess i decided i didn’t want to post it.

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more dreams

i had another dream today, the exact details are kinda blurry but i remember the concept. i was doing something and i decided to rock up to a party that one of my friends were having. i got to the party and for some reason there wasn’t a lot of people there (this seemed normal in the dream), i walked past a room when i saw two of my friends who were going out under the sheets,  they weren’t having sex, but just in the same bed, so i quickly scurried along to the next room. i got to a room with 3 of my ‘friends’, before they asked me to leave. i asked why, i was angry, one of them said ‘i don’t feel comfortable around you’, and so i left. when i returned they were gone. everyone was gone. i asked my friend on messenger “where did you guys?”, and he apologetically replied “oh sorry, we’re going to go hotpot”. since he in a way, he knew i wanted to go. weirdly enough, i woke up twice, one i got up and decided to check my facebook messages after it was all over, and then i woke up again since the first wake up i was actually still asleep. 

i guess i’ve always been a little bit self conscious of some of the friends that i made in highschool. they always made me feel very self conscious of myself, i never really felt like i belonged with them, and i guess its because i didn’t. but it was high school, i had a group of friends that i was comfortable around, but whenever i would go to a party or something with the ‘cooler’ friends. i would get this feeling that people weren’t really relatable. it sounds so trivial now, but that was 5 years that i spent with those people. i did have some good times, a lot of good times, there were people in that group who were definitely my good friends and will continue to be. but at the same time, i felt judged by some of the others.

i do feel like to an extend, this is more or less me being more self conscious that i should’ve been. those people weren’t mean, they were stupid, i don’t they were even malicious in any way. 

overall i think this was a large source of stress during my high school,  and to an extend still during my uni years, since i still have to see these people . or rather i still do because i like to go to parties lol.

i guess the moral is that. i know im not exactly normal, not everyone can hang with me, maybe i should try be more normal, or maybe i should be comfortable in my own skin. who knows.

you know its funny, i also kept dreaming that i had missed my exams. 2 of them, these were high school exams, i missed one then i realized for the second one it was that day and turned up 30 minutes late to do it. i’ve never missed an exam in real life, but i have turned up late due to sleeping in before hahaha. not sure why i dreamed about that, seems pretty random.

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Freudian Dream Analysis

I had a dream yesterday, I usually don’t remember my dreams. But I consequently here we are, so I guess something was different this time.

The dream included my having some pet reptiles, a frog and a small lizard. I was sitting there looking after my pets, before I realized that the lizard as getting agitated by the frog. It was repeatly bumping into it and it was obvious that the lizard was uncomfortable. I tried to rehome the lizard in a habitat that I had in my house for whatever reason. When I came back I had pet snakes, and they were large, it seems that the number of snakes kept increasing. Until there were 3 or 4 large snakes, I meanwhile, was trying to rehome them all. I had to give water to all the snakes, and it seemed very stressful dealing with these reptiles in my room.

I guess one at the start it felt like the reptiles were a fun plaything, and then overtime they become large and numerous and it was stressful maintaining them. I guess I knew in some way that it wasn’t the best idea.

As someone who has heard many of Jordan Peterson’s ideas, the natural idea would be that the reptiles, in some way symbolized a predatory idea. I guess the funny thing is that this is the same time that I’ve started trying to quit smoking. When first start smoking, it starts as something small, something that you don’t really think about, a cigarette here and a cigarette, bearly smoking a pack a month. Then it grows larger, and before you know you realize you have a problem.

I’m not sure, maybe it’s confirmation. But still, this type of activity is fun.

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moot

You know, there always are certain questions I find myself asking, why? who? what? You know? Why do I feel like this? Who am I? And I guess it’s that time of the month again where I do try my best to answer these questions. It’s so difficult to take a deep look inside yourself. It’s sometimes, sometimes quite disgusting what you find inside.

Sometimes, we feel like we can actually control ourselves. That, the feelings we feel actually are for the best. But, it’s easy to see that’s not true. I hate feelings that I can’t control. I don’t like giving others power over me, I like to think I’m pretty selective about who I let into myself, into my mind. But, with you, your like a virus, your a virus. It’s not your fault, I mean obviously not. But what can I do? I hate it.

Sometimes, sometimes it feels like things like this are distractions, and it’s because they are.

I need to focus.

I need to.

Focus.

And, I will, I’ve had enough, had enough of giving you power to stop me. Power over me, luckily for me. I actually have power, power over myself and the world around. Will power to do the things that are hard and to do the things that I need to do. I will do, what I want to do. I will do what I need to do.

And nothing is going to stop me.

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you know, life feels a little less meaningless when you’re doing something with it.

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this is a nice place, i can talk myself here. i like talking to myself, when i talk to other people it feels like i’m putting on some sort of facade. some sort of shield, im being some sort of fake, since i know we all images to represent and maintain. but when i talk to myself, i atleast i know relatively that i’m telling myself the truth, as i think im being honest with myself. it’s a good feeling. what can i say? 

someone please help me im drowning and the walls are closing in

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a feeling

you know, it’s a weird feeling, this empty euphoria, what do you i think about it? is it fun? is it good? is it healing? im not really sure. why do i do drugs anyway? is it because i really find so little meaningless in the day to day monotony of normal life that i have to push my brain to its limits trying to find a way to feel something? if so, why do i still feel empty? 

i’m feeling a bit of anxiety right now, and its easy to say its because of jia, it’s easy to day to because of another person. what THEY did to me, it’s THEIR fault. but i think blaming someone, whose actions are outside of your control, is quite unbecoming of oneself. to live ones light with courage, you need to own to your own mistakes, not blame and the universe, not blame anything about yourself, that makes your problems and what’s wrong with your life outside your own control and that idea, while how obviously, how cliche, it is one of the most important concepts i feel like i have ever come across, a true motto to live life by. to take control.

you know, sometimes i wonder why it is that im so sad, i’m never happy, i really don’t know. and its part of the reason why my life kinda feels like torture sometimes. i just feel like im living, and everyday it feels like im in a state of mind where i’m not content with where i am, what i am, who i am. and it really does trouble, me and it’s why I constantly want to kill myself. life just isn’t fun, it’s not even close. it’s the furtherest thing to content, that i know of.

i know what i feel like i want? but are those the things that will actually help me out, are those the things that will my problems. what can i do, to feel the way that i want to feel, is this it, am i doing it right? am i doing anything right? ughh.. it really is complicated. but i guess that’s life isn’t it?

do i enjoy what i’m doing? do i feel content with what i doing?

is this what life is? is this all?

please someone take me out of this state of existence.

i miss you and i miss everyone, why does everyone leave?

someone save me please. im drowning..

can

anyone

hear

me?

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sometimes i miss the monsters under my bed, it’s about now that i wish they’d come for me.

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a poem

winter ages the mellow yellow leaves that autumn shed

and freezes the warm air into icecles

will i freeze to death? if i leave my bed?

or will i die another day to drain my soul?

i close my eyes, all i see is red

they tell me that i wish that i was dead

and nothing’s left of the dried blood of the tears i’ve bled

excuse me, but  can you please get these voices of my head?

it doesn’t feel like i’m alive, nor that i’m dead

“it’ up to you?” - that’s all anyone says

but if it’s to me, why is it that?

life feels like the road you take, to see it all in end in black?

it’s up to me? is it really?

then why is it that’s it so hard to see the light

when i’m in life filled with strife and apparently i have it easy

and if it’s up to me, why do i have to fight? 

not for choice, but for necessity 

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Recently, recently, I feel like I’ve actually been okay. I guess things have been working out. But, why so I still feel so much pain. It’s not everyday, it really isn’t it. But why? Why is it so hard to just make it stop? I need someone to help me right now?

But there’s no-one, and I’m just talking to myself.

i just want to c d r i y e

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why does pain follow me so?

voices in in my head telling me to

let it go, just let it go

is this it?

is this me?

is this life?

or is this just strife?

i just want to be fucking normal

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?

hand smells like smoke

it’s because of you

but i guess really

it’s all because of me

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life is a journey where the destination is the road that’s in front of you.

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i do think it may be time for me to write again, i’ve gone through ample consideration and evaluation of the situation of existence and that which is the most correct way to given the assumption that i’m leaving existence of my own doing.

i think that these couple of weeks that i’ve been trying my best to become the best version myself and become what i want to be. i see what it is that i want to be able to become and what it is that i am and i can see the path to where i want to be. i think the focus on that improvement is healthy, the feeling of never being satisfied of what i’ve “accomplished” thus far.

and you know it’s no mystery to myself which i guess is the only person i’m really speaking to that, jiayue really did bother me a lot. and i went through a lot of emotional trauma and anxiety going through what it is that i went through with her. but i think that while, it’s not the first time something similar to that has happened and it’s not the first time that something like that has occurred, it is however the first time that it’s happened like that. 

the way that she still talked to me after all the terrible things that i didn’t really have a right to say and thus shouldn’t have said, but she was no angel, she didn’t have to treat me the way she did and make me feel the way i did. there’s no angels on this earth, we can be only be as decent as our biology allows and i think we both tried our best to be decent people but in the end, she was abhorrent to me and i certainly wasn’t sane to her. 

but i think that honestly, i have learned from the experience and in life it’s important to keep moving forward and learn from your mistakes, and i think i’ve done that to a good degree. 

you know i really hadn’t thought about her in a long time, the time passed and so the wounds healed, or so i thought. but vlad didn’t even mention her name, he said that “the person you blocked was here”, i can only imagine how much the worse my reaction would’ve been if he had said her name, but even so, i was still affected, for the first time in so long i felt the anxiety as my heart pounded in my chest. the pressure increased as it felt like the oxygen in the air was getting thinner and thinner as the walls closed around me, but it was better. i was better, even though metaphorically the blood from the wounds and the trauma that i suffered reignited to an extent it was better and i handled it better.

what i’m going through is normal, and obviously it helps to have someone going through a similar experience close and around me all the time. but i think that i can only be happy for myself.

i guess i’m finally growing up.

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update: 29/4/18

i swear i’m just delving deeper into insanity everyday.

and i think i can feel that i’m in one of my ‘down’ periods right now, and that’s okay. i’ve been through a lot of them and i’ll deal with this one accordingly.

you know, it’s funny even though im sad right now. i’m awfully content with the way things are, it’s the same pain and constant pressure from all around that usually occurs, maybe i am getting better. yay!

i swear, feelings for the girls are the root of all my problems. and i think it’s good that i’ve recognized that, since obviously the first step is to admit you have a problem. but the next step is the solution, and finding one becomes increasing problematic as you  begin to realize the primeval instinct that is too have feelings for girls.

but you know what, i’m confident, i’m not bad looking, i may be a bit short, but i think that i’m fine. i don’t need to fret, girls have liked me and they haven’t worked out and more girls will be into me and maybe i’ll be into them and may it’ll even work out. but i think right now i dont have the time to spend time thinking about girls who sometimes just seem so heartless. maybe it’s because they are, i mean from a biological evolutionary point of view they are meant to be and i guess that means they are more inclined to be. 

that’s okay, i’m okay. i’m confident in myself and my ability to achieve the things that i’d define to be success. study hard, work hard and i think things we’ll be alright. just keep on top of things, don’t let the pressure close in and consume you. keep it at a distance. keep your long term goals in mind and focus on those. those the things that are healthy to focus on instead such mundane weak things like feelings.

sometimes im a bit paranoid, i guess i’ve been conditioned that way from the amount of times i’ve been hurt, but that’s only understandable. i don’t know why i feel such strong feelings, but those things that i have to deal with or condition away. feelings are weak, they cause pain, nothing but pain. same goes with girls. fuck them. i’ve honestly had enough.

i’m going good, i really am and i’m doing well, i’m happy for myself and the recent success i’ve gotten. it feels good, it feels like everything is on track and i’m a period of winning trades. but i know that due the probabilistic nature of life that things will go bad. but i’ve been knocked around before and nothings even that bad right now, so i have no excuses. 

and it’s normal that everything before i go to sleep i think to myself that i could’ve done more, i think that’s the right attitude to have about things since without the intense drive to improve you wont. i swear my typing speed has increased it sounds like playing a hardcore melody right now due to my clicky keyboard hehe.

but yeah, you’re doing good winston. and i’m glad, keep going, i believe you, well you believe yourself :)

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hmm.

well, i think that i understand now. i understand how it all is, how things are meant to be, well actually how i meant to be. 

i think that you really need to choose the people that you care about, since once you care about anyone they’ll be able to hurt you. it’s nice to go around and care about the well being of everyone, but it means that when they do something that’s bad for themselves it’ll hurt you. or even worse, if intentionally or unintentionally do things that hurt you. 

you know i think that while i can be regretful of the mistakes of this type that i made in the past, at least now i’ve realized. 

i guess, as always it’s time to move forward, keep the goal in mind while focusing on the next step.

btw in melbourne for imagine cup writing this, it’s nice breeze from jasmines apartment.

well, take care all.