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so epic

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absolutely stunning midsommar dress by Kong Min Seon via instagram

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For some reason the versions of this where he gives two salutes is being deleted and replaced with a version with a quick cut to a cheering crowd so I’ll just share it here 🙃

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“When the handle has snapped off the basket that held all your eggs…” gone girl tier monologue

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after your parents die, it gets a lot easier to not say anything. i know this may be hard to believe because i've been stalwartly maintaining a 10-post-per-day average on here, but it is a relief to no longer have to lead by example for people slipping into senility or try to influence people whose flaws i have known my whole life, or to feel less like every event needs my opinion, and i wasn't even fully conscious that that was the underlying mechanism

or maybe you know like normal people don't have this role reversal where by the time they're about 25 they've outgrown their parents and they have to periodically give things like life advice on how to weather politically extreme times, i guess i wouldn't know. pull someone out of a cult and they revert to being the scared child they were when their development arrested, it's really sad to watch

the other thing that's been on my mind about this, five months on, is... well i guess it's like the anna karenina thing. happy families are all alike, and they do not understand people who aren't. every unhappy family is unique, and we have to come to understand both types of people, because if you say something that would simply get a knowing nod from an unhappy family person in front of a happy family person, they will usually think you are some kind of sociopath

but i don't think the problem is that it's beyond comprehension without experience. i think the lack of comprehension is more of an unwillingness to believe that anything can really be like that. they must be exaggerating, there could not be so much pain in the world, i could not bear that, it would make me feel guilty to have such an easy life when others don't, and so on... or at least, that's how i want to believe they think. because it's more kind

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"Absolutely no one comes to save us but us."

Ismatu Gwendolyn, "you've been traumatized into hating reading (and it makes you easier to oppress)", from Threadings, on Substack [ID'd]

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I spent 4 days straight at home with my fiancée now we’re not going to see each other for 9 hours while we’re at work and I miss him so much

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Been almost a year since I wrote this. I would like to add I finally learned how to crochet stuffed animals. A hobby I’ve desperately wanted to learn since high school but I never had the drive or the motivation thanks to depression and undiagnosed adhd.

And idk I feel like something as simple as finally learning a hobby shows how much I’ve been able to grow in a loving and safe environment.

“Go outside and get fresh air” is great advice and all for depression. But means almost nothing if you’re not in the right environment to grow already.

I feel like there’s a poem here somewhere I just can’t write it.

I have been making a lot of jokes lately about "Just go on a walk at the park and look at nature, and maybe you wouldn't be so depressed. 🙄" or "Go outside and read a book in the sunshine and maybe youd feel better" and "Go take care of some plants then you wont have to battle depression."

Which is all funny and great and very true. Remaining active and getting out of the house is very important to your health.

But i just remembered it took almost a whole yesr of me living in an unrelenting supportive environment, where i feel 100% loved and 100% safe to even get the urge to find a hobby.

I remember being 3 months into living here and complaining that all i do is sleep. I barely help with chores, i barely cook, I still dont have a single hobby. I remember trying to convince Adam (my boyfriend) that I'M the problem i always try to blame places or people in my life for being toxic to my mental health. But here i am in a supportive and loving environment. Still. Wallowing. Obviously it's no one else's fault but mine that I'm like this.

I remember adam saying that I have been stuck in fight or flight my whole life. Its going to take more than a few months to make me better. It takes time. I remember begrudgingly agreeing to his remark, but not truly believing it myself.

But hey almost a whole year in and I'm feeling like a whole new person. I'm not perfect. I haven't cooked anything all week. But I sat in the sunshine and read a book. I go on walks. I take care of plants. I'm better about getting chores done. And I feel happier.

Idk i just wanted to journal

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You don’t build psychological resilience by feeling good all the time. You build psychological resilience by getting good at feeling bad.

Mark Manson

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Your younger self asks “It gets better, right?” as if the answer should be a very obvious “yes.” Because she trusts that you would make things better she trusts that you would have been able to fix the problems you were facing.

But you have to face her and sigh “No, not really, not in the way you wanted at all. But we carved out a small space for ourselves and we’re very happy now. But it was really hard to get there. Things will be okay though, it takes time.”

“How much time?”

“Too long.”

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I swear to fucking god, do people even listen to themselves these days? Another stupid girl posting on Facebook that she’s supposedly “agender” but ain’t ever going to inform her parents about her precious gender identity because they won’t understand. That she will die without them ever knowing.

Do you know how privileged that is? Literally, your parents won’t even give a fuck. Why? Because you aren’t actually going to transition. Do you know what happens to ACTUAL transsexuals? We get kicked out of home, we get abused, our parents disown us. I was NOT put in conversion therapy and pushed back into the closet for fucking 9 years then made homeless just so some stupid girls can think “oh but I don’t feel like a girl, I’m fine with my sex tho” is on the same level as me.

My parents originally fucking were horrible to me, they put me in conversion therapy and you what that lead to? Me having such low self esteem that I believed being abused was normal, so normal that I got into a domestic violent relationship that lasted for 9 years. Conversion therapy actively encourages you to consider suicide as an option if you can’t live as your assigned sex. They break down your spirit, they basically try to convince you that you’re delusional. Leaving him meant I was left with NOTHING but not only that, I had already started testosterone and the changes were beginning to get too obvious for my dad to ignore. He literally made me homeless cause he refused to have me live with him until I could get my own place. Because now I wasn’t just looking like a dyke, I was now showing signs of true transsexuality.

Both my parents are better now, they have a lot of regret about treating me so poorly over my gender dysphoria - but they are not perfect. My mum will still run away and hide from people who knew me prior to my transition if I’m with her because she doesn’t want to defend me if they are nasty when they realise it’s [deadname] as a man now. My dad still uses she/her pronouns for me even though it makes people think he has dementia lol. He constantly thinks I’m going to kill myself because I will eventually regret my transition. He also thinks everyone can always tell that I’m trans even though I’m stealth in real life. He lets it slip that he thinks I will never find a partner, constantly tells my mum that he wishes I “just stayed as a lesbian butch woman**”. My mum thinks [deadname] and Mike are two different people, she thinks she lost a daughter, but gained a son even though I am the same person. She has said before that I killed her first daughter when we have arguments.

I am so sick of this non binary craze bullshit. Y’all don’t understand that transsexuals do not get the same benefits you do, you can hide being “trans.” You can put on your they/them pins at LGBTIBBQ meet ups but take them off to go back to your cis life. I cannot. My life is forever shaped by this bullshit, I am struggling so hard to change my name legally so EVERY TIME I do anything that requires that nonsense - people treat me like fucking shit. Cause they see a bloke in front of them but a legal female name, they know. Nurses are absolute trash to me if I ever go to the hospital because of my legal name. They use he/him until they see the paper work then do a condescending smile and use my deadname, she/her etc. Its rare that I have a decent nurse or doctor who ACTUALLY continues to treat me correctly.

Your non binary identity is based all on fucking sexist gender roles and without those, you wouldn’t have an identity. Mine is based on the fact my brain sex is male but my body was born female and I’m actively changing that to male.

We are not the same.

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i’m so sorry if someone made you think it’s hard to love you

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I have been making a lot of jokes lately about "Just go on a walk at the park and look at nature, and maybe you wouldn't be so depressed. 🙄" or "Go outside and read a book in the sunshine and maybe youd feel better" and "Go take care of some plants then you wont have to battle depression."

Which is all funny and great and very true. Remaining active and getting out of the house is very important to your health.

But i just remembered it took almost a whole yesr of me living in an unrelenting supportive environment, where i feel 100% loved and 100% safe to even get the urge to find a hobby.

I remember being 3 months into living here and complaining that all i do is sleep. I barely help with chores, i barely cook, I still dont have a single hobby. I remember trying to convince Adam (my boyfriend) that I'M the problem i always try to blame places or people in my life for being toxic to my mental health. But here i am in a supportive and loving environment. Still. Wallowing. Obviously it's no one else's fault but mine that I'm like this.

I remember adam saying that I have been stuck in fight or flight my whole life. Its going to take more than a few months to make me better. It takes time. I remember begrudgingly agreeing to his remark, but not truly believing it myself.

But hey almost a whole year in and I'm feeling like a whole new person. I'm not perfect. I haven't cooked anything all week. But I sat in the sunshine and read a book. I go on walks. I take care of plants. I'm better about getting chores done. And I feel happier.

Idk i just wanted to journal

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me trying to enjoy something: ☻

my brain: you can’t enjoy this because you aren’t skinny

me: ☹

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Ohhhh my god ohh my god ohhhhhhh my god why do they always do this??? Why does everything have to be about them??