saddamax

[saddamax]

journal entry for may 1st, 2025

So I got a new journal and some different pens. A higher quality journal and cheaper pens in order for this to become a more sustainable habit. I'm not entirely sure why but I feel as if it's imperative to my mental state and growth as a human to start keeping a (relatively) consistent journal. So many things in my life go unsaid, mostly due to my own attempts at distancing myself from others. Literal decades of not really having anyone to confide in. Even when I had childhood best friends, I don't really remember being super open with them.

I find it weird and a bit alarming that I can't actually recall a lot of my childhood. I'm only 31 but I feel like I can barely remember what that girl was like. I don't know if who I've become now is the logical conclusion of what she was or if something wrong happened along the way. Is there something wrong with me? Yes, undoubtedly. But have these issues always been there? Or did they manifest as an adult? My mom said I used to take money from her and buy things from the cashier as a toddler, but I can barely stand to buy something at a manned checkout in the place I work.

The idea along of having to talk to or be in a noticeable presence of other people fills me with such latent dread and anxiety that I decline or otherwise avoid so many functions and interactions with people, even people that I actually like.

I know how frustrating this can be to the people around me but trust me when I say that no one hates these aspects of myself more than me.

I should talk to a therapist but I'm one of those cynical people that already understands what flaws I have and (with some introspection) I already know what I need to work on so I don't think I would be able to take therapy seriously. Also the thought of actually opening up to someone about even my unspoken (to myself) issues is fittingly horrifying.

Maybe if I were a more independent person, I could take myself to therapy. But then, half my problems stem from the fact that I am so dependent on others. I am trying to be better. It's slow, but progress is being made. The fact that I'm working fulltime in an extremely public area literally constantly surrounded by people is progress in my eyes. I've driven to and from work a few times. I'm reading real books, watching new shows and movies, eating better and losing weight. Doing crosswords and wordles to help stimulate my brain. Less scrolling (still way too much though), and I'm keeping this journal (as sporadic as it may be).

I'm trying. And I'm gonna keep trying.

jessie

[saddamax]

journal entry for april 24th, 2025

So I woke up with a pretty intense migraine today. They almost always tend to come about on my days off, which I guess I'm grateful for, because I don't want to have to force myself to work while feeling objectively miserable. That said, it does really put a damper on my weekend, which I typically look forward to all week.

So I tried my first method of drinking some water and going back to sleep for another hour or two but unfortunately, that didn't work and just left me feeling sick to my stomach.

I decided to jump into the shower until I threw up, which I could feel coming from a mile away. I wasn't wearing my glasses but I could tell there was nothing of substance in the vomit. It was just the water and some yellow stomach acid.

I sat in the shower for a while as I recovered, letting the water warm and soothe me. My headache had even receded to being almost unnoticeable.

But then I starting talking my conversations. I was talking to a doctor who sort of morphed into a therapist. Got to talking first about my weight loss which shifted to my mental wellbeing. Starting crying when I was talking about how deeply the few compliments I've received have affected me to my core. So now my headache is back haha. Should be more manageable now though.

Later:

So I threw up again... This time it was actually substantial. I had drank a chocolate protein shake because I thought that would be gentle on my sensitive stomach. And it was... until a few hours later when the nausea hit again. The vomit of a chocolate protein shake is one I'd like to never experience again if given the choice. I can hardly think of a fouler flavor that has entered my mouth. I hope this doesn't turn me off from the shakes, though considering how prevalent chocolate flavoring is in most protein products...Protein and fiver are my two focuses in my dietary goals as of late.

Fingers crossed I can still stomach them from work Saturday.

jessie

[saddamax]

journal entry for april 21, 2025

I got another compliment on my hair today! From someone younger than me. It feels weird but my hair is starting to become a point of pride for me now. I'm struggling to remember if I've ever had a quality or aspect of myself that I could feel pride in. I feel like it's the weirdest way to start building confidence but maybe that's because belong or feeling any modicum of confidence is pretty foreign to me.

But I'm gonna take what I can get.

That's all for now since it's been a long day and I gotta finish Fleabag.

jessie

[saddamax]

journal entry for april 18th, 2025

I keep trying not to get too ahead of myself when it comes to the weight lose I've been experiencing lately but sometimes it's hard not to feel giddy. To be under 200 pounds for the first time in years feels great mentally.

I think the key is to not focus too much on the weight itself. Instead I've been trying to change my relationship with food in general.

I try not to ear when I'm bored. If I can't help myself, I will usually reach for a snack or something small now, as opposed to something like frozen chicken or burritos.

and now I've been choosing what I eat based off of what that food can offer me. I've been prioritizing things like protein and fiber. My poops have been so solid and relatively easy to pass the past few months haha. These types of foods have been helping me to feel fuller and more satisfied after a meal.

Overeating has always been a bit of a problem for me.

But every little change I've been implementing into my life has built upon the last and is guiding me to a happier and healthier place.

I'm almost finished with Sunrise on the Reaping. It certainly is a bittersweet book. The diverse cast of tributes are so endearing, it's been constantly breaking my heart because I already know that they were all going to die before the end. I've been finding it difficult to read about the younger tributes like Ampert and Wellie. Something about them being the youngest of all the children and facing the suffering and deaths they do while still being braver than any child should have to makes me start to tear up and I have to set the book aside for a bit.

Anyways, after I finish up with Sunrise on the Reaping, I get to finally start Oathbringer! It finally came in the mail! It took nearly a month to make it here which sucks. I should probably order the fourth and fifth books soon it I intend to read them soon after I finish the third. Before, I tried reading other books between the books in The Stormlight Archives and I did rather enjoy that. Pirinesi and I Who Have Never Known Men were both exquisitely wonderful. I don't want to burn myself out on The Stormlight Archives or on reading books in general. I do that so often with hobbies. I can't do it with this.

jessie

[saddamax]

journal entry for april 15th, 2025

The state of my country and therefore the world are very distressing in the current moment. It seems like the entire world is slipping further to the right and further into hatred and intolerance. The very air we breath is turning mean. Bitter. It stings my eyes so much that I have to fight back tears if I spend took long dwelling on the politics that surround me. I don't know if we, as a people, can come back from where we're heading. I'm scared. I look at all the people around me and I don't feel comfort. Because I don't know what they believe, I hold back, I put on a vapid or dismissive manner. I drift away from conversations that go any deeper beyond the standard niceties or general work complaints. I've been finding that my politics are much further to the left than I initially thought. But because I'm not really in a position to affect much change, I seem more centrist (Dem) than anything. If I could afford to not work, I'd be at protests. If I could get over my anxiety, I'd be able to drive myself where I could provide help. If I lived in a big city, there'd be easier ways to travel and support. It's all excuses of course. I don't know. I really don't.

jessie

[saddamax]

journal entry for april 14th, 2025

Hiya~ Sorry it's been a few days. Most days when I get home from work, I don't really have the energy to do anything aside from watch an episode or two from whatever show I'm watching (currently it's Foundation) and then a little doom scrolling before falling asleep alter than I intended.

But I had some thoughts I wanted to write down at work today.

1: A bit depressing but sometimes when I laugh, I swear it sounds almost exactly like my mother's and that sort of tears me up inside. I don't really know what to do about this fact. Sometimes I can barely even remember what her voice sounded like and then suddenly she's pouring out of my mouth. A curse and a blessing wrapped up in mirth.

Anyways, moving onto topic #2.

I had an inkling of an idea for a character. Big, strong girl, think Brienne of Tarth size. Super shy and awkward, definitely "me" coded but just way more... physically. Counter to her is a slight, warm woman who adores and dotes on her. I love the idea of this imposing, isolated woman being the one that needs care and love to help her grow as a person and not stay this shuffling bundle of social anxiety.

That's all I've got for you today my dear. See you soon.

Later:

I thought I'd come back and talk about the book I'm currently reading. Sunrise on the Reaping by Suzanne Collins. It's the latest in The Hunger Games series. The differences between Katniss and Haymitch are stark, but even more noticeable is the difference between young and old Haymitch. Young Haymitch was a romantic. The love her felt for his girl, Lenore Dove, turned a young, poor kid with no prospects into a poet. How tragic how we know where he'll end up.

It's interesting reading a book that's a prequel to a story I know by heart. We know that Haymitch will win the 50th Hunger Games and in turn, will lose everything.

Another note I made was about the horror of Louella dying in the opening parade. But maybe that was a mercy, considering her chances in the Arena. Much less a mercy when considering Snow's "replacement" Lou Lou. I loved the way the other District 12 tributes immediately disliked her but quickly realized that she was even worse off than they were and then took steps to protect her. Absolutely tragic character. I love Haymitch's little District 9 doves. He sees his girl everywhere. Speaking of the other district tributes: AMPERT!!! My heart CRACKED at the reveal of his father Beetee. The cruelty of punishing Beetee by sending his son to the Games and then forcing him to be his mentor. The fact that he wished he had killed himself because then his son wouldn't be there. But to be honest, that's no guarantee of his safety. Hmm... and then him enlisting Haymitch to help in the plot, all the while knowing that his boy won't make it. Beetee's actions in Mockingjay become so much more understandable.

I think after I finish SotR, I'm going to buy the quintet set and reread them. I know I did the audiobooks when The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes movie came out but I want to digest the words.

I feel like I've been enjoying art more thoroughly lately. I can't believe how I spent so many years not reading when I love it so much. And finding new shows and movies to watch. As much as I loved kpop, I let it consume my life for 10 years and it stunted my ability to devour art that holds a stronger and deeper meaning in myself. Don't get me wrong, it's there in kpop too but I had to vigilantly discover it in groups like B.A.P and ATEEZ.

jessie

[saddamax]

journal entry for april 9th, 2025

Today was as productive day for me as it could have been. I did my weekly load of laundry and played through the first day of Disco Elysium. I'm trying not to be too overly concerned with my choices in-game. But I am still googling quite a lot.

I finished my watch of Dark last night and ugh I almost want to just rewatch it again. It's so good. Dark and Severance are both top tier top 10 tv shows for me.

I'm torn between trying to find something new to watch and potentially being disappointed and rewatching something I know I like and risk getting bored because I already saw it. I'm thinking either Yellowjackets for new or Battlestar Galactica for old. I'll have to get back to you on that.

jessie

[saddamax]

journal entry for april 8th, 2025

I keep doing this thing where I will download a game or I will watch a movie or really I'll start doing anything that I know I will enjoy and just quit halfway through it. Like I know I will absolutely love to finish Baldur's Gate 3 but I just can't get myself to finish Act 1. I've restarted the game dozens of times by now and still have never even gotten past the first part. I tried watching both The Substance and 28 Days Later, two movies I'm sure I will enjoy, and just left them half watched. I'll get that inexplicable urge to check my phone for just a second. Scroll IG or Reddit. Stay in tune with what's happening in the news and in pop and meme culture. I just want to be able to choose what I want and commit to it.

I'm going to try and finish Disco Elysium again. It's been years since I last tried it. Haha one of my previous achievements is "Literally The Sorriest Cop On Earth." Sounds about right for me. Only 16% of players got that. Huh.

Anyways, I've been getting edits and reels for DE lately and it's sort of reinvigorated my desire to finish it. Gonna restart though, obviously. I am still me, of course.

jessie

[saddamax]

journal entry for april 7th, 2025

So it's definitely not going to be an everyday thing, writing in this journal. I think I'm okay with that. As long as I don't have a goal in mind for this... project, then I don't necessarily have to write every day.

I think I'm still sort of reeling from the weight loss discovery. The size 16 pants that I bought require a belt. That feels sort of insane to me. Fiber and protein really seem like the way to go.

A note I'm just developing: Do I want to lose weight so that I am less noticeable in the real world? The first thing I think anyone would notice about me is that I am a short overweight woman. I can't change my height unfortunately but I can actually lose this weight. I'll come back to this thought sometime in the future, once I've let it sit and develop more in my mind.

I've been thinking about buying a jump rope. It seems like an easy repetitive I can do to burn fat effectively. I might need to buy a new, very tight sports bra or even look into binders.

I think I might write more tonight. It's only 9:37 right now so I've my whole day ahead. It's my Friday, thank fucking god. It's been a horrible week, what with EBT, tourists, and all the staggeringly stupid news and politics. my country is turning into a parody of itself and it's not ironic. It is serious and dangerous.

Anyways, I'll be back later.

Evening:

Work was not very good today. It wasn't bad by most metrics but it felt draining to the soul. I'm home now and my weekend has finally begun so there's that at least.

I'm currently waiting for my "hemp" soda to get cold enough to enjoy. It has 10 mg of THC so on par for my nighttime gummies. It should be an enjoyable ride, unless it ends up tasting bad haha then I might just chug it.

It's funny, I started this journal off so positive and optimistic, but today I'm really just not feeling it. These last two days at work have felt so physically and mentally draining on me. The first week of the month is always difficult but it feels like everything has escalated.

I think that a lot of people are starting to feel concerned about what the future holds for our country. I feel as though this place has been irrevocably changed. Everyone is meaner now. Cruel.

I really think that the internet was a mistake. Or at least the ability to have constant access to it in the palms of our hands. For me, at least.

My concentration is so fucked up. My attention span is shot. I feel embarrassed at the fact that despite my efforts to have and maintain hobbies that actually mean something to me, I keep going back to the scroll. The doomscroll. It sucks me in. Gives me the illusion of thought and awareness while at the same time, actually rotting my brain.

I don't know man. I just want to feel like a real person.

jessie

[saddamax]

journal entry for april 5th, 2025

I'm not sure if I'm going to write to you every day, but I do want to try. The problem is trying to figure out what to write about. I don't live the most remarkable life. I'm a 31 year old Walmart employee. I spend 40 hours a week in the same place doing the same thing. Day after day, I'm shopping digital orders. It can be a bit mind-numbing. Bit more than a bit, to be honest.

It's really not where I wanted to be at this stage of my life. But I don't know where else I would have wanted for myself. I sort of stopped seeing a clear desirable future for myself in my mid-twenties. I don't even think that it's M that I miss. I with I could go back to that time just so that I would know what the future held for me. Or at least, what I believed was set in stone. I thought that M and I would graduate college, work a few years and then have kids and a whole life until death did us part. It felt like the right path to take because it was all but certain. Until it wasn't.

I don't know what point I was going to make anymore. I'll have to come back to this thought in the future.

So I've been wanting to keep a journal for a variety of reasons. I want to better engage with myself. I feel like I've been stifling myself for years with mindless garbage. I want to b e more mindful of what I let my mind consume. And that includes the consumption of my own thoughts. I want to develop, or redevelop, a better sense of patience and more control over my attention span. A part of that, I think, can be teaching myself to calmly and LEGIBALLY write down some of my thoughts. I'm also hoping that my penmanship will improve.

I really just want to put more intention into all my actions. I'm a very reactionary person. I want to have more control of my actions and therefore hopefully, my anxiety.

I've driven a few times, back and forth from work, and I did decent. I really surprised myself. I feel like this accomplishment has woken up a new drive. I've been feeling like 12% more optimistic and confident lately. I've felt good or proud of myself quite a few times in the last month. It's a little but weird, my chest has been feelings lighter., Or no haha, okay, that's my gummy starting to kick in. Okay, I gotta watch an episode of Dark before going to bed. I Need to get more sleep haha

jessie

[saddamax]

journal entry for april 4th, 2025

I for a compliment on my hair while on the floor today. The girl literally did a double take and emphasized the "really" in "I really like your hair." It's happened a few times before, but usually from older women like 40s-50s. This girl was closer to my age, or likely younger. It always makes me feel proud when someone compliments my hair. It's one of those few visible things I have that is solely my own. Like, I cut it myself. I maintain it myself. It's all me. It seems sort of silly and not something to really make a big deal over, but it means something to me.

Anyways, I promised myself that if I got anymore hair compliments, that I would start writing them down. And that ballooned into me wanting to keep a diary/journal again. We'll see how long I can keep this one. My track record isn't the best, haha.

So I'm at work right now, on my break.

I've been trying to be a better human lately. I've lost a few pounds. I'm finally under the 200 pound mark! That is SUCH an accomplishment for me. I'm unironically SO PROUD of myself. I've been eating way less fast food, incorporating the occasional salad into my diet. And also been less conscience of dieting in general. Usually I'll do the calorie counting or IF or whatever. But I don't know if my body is meant for those methods. I can't get myself to stick with them at all. The most I ever get is maybe a month and a pound lost, but I'm so disheartened that I crack and give up.

I'm learning it's gotta be small things. Little changes that add up over time. Little, I can handle. That's manageable for me.

I'm going back to work now for my last 2 hours but yeah, I just wanted to finally do this. Because today has been a good day. A day when I've felt particularly proud of myself.

jessie