sadday-diary

[sadday-diary]

Fuck I'm so damn lonely, I cried, I usually didn't cry because I'm all alone, but not today.

Crying because you're lonely in the mall toilet is so lame.

You can do better myself, you can do better. Isn't it just like the song, learn to be lonely~ learn how live life that is lived alone~

[sadday-diary]

How do I move on from someone I dont date? I've been through this twice and I still dont know what the best method, less wishing and dreaming I think it's the answer, but somehow the pain never ease.

Also this time, I cant just stop contacting the person, I have an obligation to finish the job. I'm thinking to not take more job from him, but then again, I thought I've let him out of my system long time ago.

I never thought he'll be back in my life like this. Sometimes I would comfort myself remembering those small moments the said he love me too, but I know that just chit chat being polite and such.

I need to constantly remind myself he have someone else he love, always remember he have someone's name with the heart emoji, and it's not your name.

It's just so heartbreaking that I can't grief this feeling openly. But I dont want to feel sad all the time.

But I think ultimately it sourced from me feeling alone, realizing that even though I'm married, I still need to be brave alone. I'm not someone priority a I thought I was. That pain is festering far too deep I think, I start to look for other people who would love me, but there's no one, just me and my "would be nice if"

[sadday-diary]

I think this is PMS speaking, but more like in Period Speaking, no pre or post.

but these days, PMS or not I keep thinking the same thing, only that several thoughts over and over, 1 I need more money, 2 I want to move out, 3 I want someone to loves me.

someone who speak the same love language as me?

I just want to start over, I dont know how to fix this pain and grudge that been festering too deep. I dont know how to explain it more to make him understand my point of view. Or maybe he just doesnt want to understand, or doesnt want to admit he's wrong?

Dear God, I need funds to start over, please. If I dont meant to start over, then at least ease this pain.

[sadday-diary]

Dear You,

Whose I've loved secretly all these years. I know this day will come, but never thought it'll still hurt, even though it's not as painful as the previous one, but pain is pain.

I know myself, status-wise, visual-wise, and many more consideration-wise, I'm not the one for you. But I've loved you secretly in the corner of my heart for all this time, and I always know I can't have you. I thought by letting you know vaguely long time ago, I've let it out of my system, but apparently not.

I thought if I'm not entertain the feeling, not feeding it delusional thought, I wouldn't feel pain when this day come. But nope. I'm wrong as f—, it's still so f—ing painful.

I thought just as freelance partner is enough, I can see your face once or twice a month, I could listen to your voice for some a few minutes in meetings, even though you're not talking to me, I thought not even the bare minimum is enough for me.

It's never enough.

I dont know if I can put a happy mask for you, I hope at least at the phone call, you didn't hear the pain of heartbreak in my voice. I hope I could be sincerely happy for you. I dont know if I have faith in God for that. I know I'm gonna cry tonight afterwards.

I don't have the right to be heartbroken, hell I don't even have the right to have a crush with someone when I have a husband. Even though the husband isn't what I thought he would be. My heart still shattered to pieces, the reality of you become someone else's is hurting my heart.

I wish you a lifetime of happiness, and I hope you treat her just like how I delusion-ed you treat me. This feeling was never meant to be.

Once again, I'm broken hearted, and this time I cant even show it. I hope I mask it well, I believe in my acting skill. I'll be able to answer your call like nothing is happening inside of me.

I can(t).

[sadday-diary]

This is probably PMS speaking, but I want to live alone instead, if there's somebody else that's better, why not, but all these months, this whole year all I think of is moving out, having someone to love me, in my love language.

This also probably the unfinished pain from last year, somehow I feel so done, I don't wanna fall back into love towards him. I love him with all my might, even betray what my God said, and I learn it the hard way.

I keep wishing, imagining, someone who love me for me, me as their priority, my happiness is their happiness too. I'm once love like this, I know how that feel, when someone you love is happy, and you're happy too. I once love like that, but nobody love me like that.

Being alone wasn't so bad, it's lonely sometimes, but you have no expectations, you just look for hobby to occupy the time.

I keep imagining my life before marriage, I was happy in that small room, even though sometimes I feel lonely, but I am happy. Me and my blanket, my food, simple interaction with the housekeeper and security, my little phone, watching whatever I could find.

A table and simple comfortable chair, is a luxury that I've take for granted, it's not happening here in this house. Taking a Christmas break was a mistake, not coming back home is a mistake too. Should've find something else to do.

Next month, I'm 36, and many things that I dream of hasn't happened yet. Never been to Japan yet, don't have any savings, don't have any branded bags, even the entry level one...

I need to do more, better, and smarter on money, I need more money 💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰 money CAN buy my happiness. My happiness is very simple, I just want to be able to give back whatever kindness I received.

I want to be able to do whatever I imagine would make others people happy. But it's always money that stopping me. Sometimes I'm wondering, if God doesn't grant my wishes, should I ask satan? I hear he give his followers prosperity.

Will it be worth it? Or should I just keep my faith in God but suffers...

I don't know, someone help me.. or maybe give me all your money to me..

[sadday-diary]

Funny how I keep wishing one day I could leave this house, but that plan seems so hard because of my financial situation. I need to do better either in savings or make more money. I'm hope I and D get more client in the near future, expensive client with Millions to spend.

If I we're save more, I need to stay in the house more, if I want to make more, I need to have a proper table and chair to be able to sit for longer time.

I keep imagining one day I can have my revenge, but somehow I just don't know if I want it or not, because it kinda seems impossible.

I keep wondering if I divorce, would I be able to support myself again living alone? What happend if one day my money gone payday and I don't have any savings?

Why it's so hard for me to save? I hate that I read that Javanese birth chart thingy, and it feels so right: "her money always gone". How do I make that not happening, I need to survive, I couldn't possibly live my old age still working.

Also my age, I just realised next year I'm 36, and I've never been to anywhere but Singapore and my hometown. What about Japan? I hope I can make it next year, I don't wanna be stuck in this country forever, just listening and seeing others traveling pics.

Conclusion: need more money.

And I start wondering if God doesn't want to give it, how to ask satan for it? Do I have to pay it with my soul tortured forever afterlife?

But these days on earth I already feels tortured, the constant need of money is crazy. And I never have them when I need them, what should I do so I can have more money, at least I want a savings that I can be at ease with for the rest of my life.

Amount that I know I'll be fine even though I don't work anymore and still able to afford finest things in life and all the stuffs I want easily without have to wait.

God if you hear my prayer, please help me with this money thing. But if you don't want to grant it, please let me know where I should move my prayer too.

[sadday-diary]

I never thought I would be back posting in this account, on non-PMS day.. but I don't know anymore.

I thought I heal, and slowly things are getting better. But somehow I keep getting haunted by my memories of my prayers. I wonder if there's another timeline where I listen to what God said, and didn't force this marriage.

Would I be happier? Will God still stay with me? How's everything going to be unfold? Who would I'm together with if that's happened? Am I going to be alright? Will I stop worrying? How's life be?

I can't seems to find how to solve this problem, how do I walk out of this marriage? Should I fake a cheat with someone? I can't file for divorce just because I want to.

It's kinda lonely not having someone to talk about such a thing. Who should I share this pain? I can't seems to bother someone else with my problems, I don't think it's can be called a problem, it's more like my selfishness.

Will God coming back to me if I walk out of this marriage, or He'll leave me even further because I break my wedding vow? I feel like totally helpless right now.

Mother Mary maybe?

[sadday-diary]

[sadday-diary]

Every year, when it's Christmas, birthday, Women's Day, or Valentines, I always swallowing all the envy feeling that I got, pretending everything is okay, I am okay, and I've come to terms with my life, wether from social media or from my friends around me. They got flowers, gifts, cake, APPRECIATION.

I used to wonder why I didn't get stuffs like that, then I lie to myself it's okay if I don't get something like that, flowers wilt anyway and they're a waste of money. It's okay I don't get special chocolates or cake or gifts, or even if I got gift and they're not wrapped, I'm okay it's the thought and the inside that important, I'm okay, we need to save up for life. There's still many expense and bills to pay.

I don't know whether I'm in delulu land, not realising what financial state/situation we're (or maybe just me) in. But today, knowing what the budget he's willing for what I think basic needs, a phone, I realised all the whys in my lifes. I think he just doesn't value me that much. That what makes me happy isn't important.

I'm too willing to be with him, I set my standards on bare minimum, now he's not even doing the bare minimum anymore. I let him get away with many things, and accepting the bare minimum of how he treat me, and still makes myself available.

I need to move on. It's nice to have someone to rely on, but I don't think it's worth the heartbreak and disappointment every single years. Maybe if I'm moving out of this relationship, even if there's no one else wanting me, at least I can be in peace with no expectations. And just be jealous of the most basic, my friends got someone that love them for them, and takes care of them.

Rather than feeling the disappointment and heartbreak several times a year.

[sadday-diary]

I thought this account will be the place where I vent all my PMS out. where I'll be typing out my imbalance hormones thought, but no, turn out PMS or not, I still writing here.

I honestly know and dont know if this relationship still exist or not, or it just exist because I'm still putting the effort? I notice if I'm not the one taking innitiate, it's just gone. I wonder if I just isn't ready to let go of that wramth, the feeling that you're not alone, having someone on your side, despite the person only existing physically but not mentally.

I dont know wether it's me who start wanting more, or it's him who decide to put less effort, or it's always been like this, and I just realize all this time, it was only me whose working on this relationship. I know his answer will be we need to save up, no money anymore in my savings.

Really?

What will change if I decide to live alone, will it makes a difference? Will he try to have me back? Or he'll be just live happily with his parents and forget I exist? Was it's really the lack of attention? Or I just notice it's was always this low. Am I asking too much? Who I can ask for advice or maybe just to tell a story?

What kind of evidence I need to show to the court if I wanted divorce? Will Dad pays for my lawyer if I ask? What the outcome will be? I feel like it's not only the lack of sex that happeining here. I feel so neglected, unloved, uncherrished anymore.

God if you have someone better, please send him or her to me. Someone whom love me, take care of me, makes effort for me, choose me, makes me their priority, that my happiness is their happiness. Someone whose loves me for me.

Tell me what should I do next.

[sadday-diary]

my heart feel hurt, and I dont know wether it's my gastric pain, or my stress, or my anger.. should I go to hospital?

I can't believe I let myself going through this, like just a few words and interaction literally make me mad for days, I totally need to regain myself again, recentre myself just like Anas told me.

I've been thinking of living out of this house maybe for a month or two... question is, where to go? which option should I take, I dont really like the fact that If I'm moving out, means I need to stop the mandarin lesson. For me it was important, even though sometimes it feels like a chores, and I secretly complain about it.

I guess its more to, not disappointing Laoshi than my laziness... but you gotta do what you gotta do if you want to fix yourself, to figure it out, to live and ENJOY this life, to MOVE ON...

really, I dont know..

probably the PMS speaking here.

[sadday-diary]

Reading YuWu remind me alot of pas time, when I was still madly in love with him, the thought of Gu Mang taking side job washing dishes so he could buy things for Mo Xi is a thought I never have anymore since I'm agree to be with him.

Sometimes I wonder if I make a wrong decision marrying him, despite it doesn't feel like when I'm with him? All that flaring feeling of love and thoughts of making him happy isn't as intense as with him, or her.

How is love supposed to feel? What kind of mental state do I suppose to be in to decide whether or not I make a right decision?

Preparing for event like Valentine or birthday now feels like burden, yet before with him, is one of few days in the year that I look forward too. Just like I look forward to CF with her. The day I can held hand with the one I love so much, my heart could burst.

Maybe he's just a rebound that went too far, and now I regret.

What should I do to sort this out? What am I actually want? Which one is hurting him more? Staying or leave?

#sadday-diary

[sadday-diary]

I can't sleep, despite the headache and the tired eyes, despite I haven't slept since yesterday.. just a single word being brought up and all my hatred rising up again.

I thought I want to be listens, but when the topic is up, all I want is shut it down, don't want to relive the memories anymore. I have enough, I just want to run away where it's peace, or maybe dead is a good option, don't have to worry about life, just eternal silence and loneliness.

Whenever the emotions rise, all I want is stab them dead, and start new life with him. Where there's just the two of us, and no burden, no extra cost. We can plan our dream and start working smart to making it come true. Just us.

[sadday-diary]

I never thought after menstruation I would still posting here. But here I am, suddenly got a realisation that this marriage won't work, no matter how I think about it, there's no way out unless DH brave up to make decisions. Stand for his own future.

He'll never go up if stuck here with two leech sucking on his life and money. And I don't think he want to let go the leech since it's family and he own them "milk money". It's not that I don't love him, but I don't wanna stuck here with him for decades while my years aren't coming back.

Next year I'll be 35, and in two years suddenly it's 37 and I don't wanna be in my 40s still working to someone else, not achieving my own milestone in life just because of his cowardice to make a decision and change in his life. It's not like I don't wanna stay with him from zero, but if the zero gonna stay for zero for another decade, I rather walk away.

I think I need to talk this up to Dad. Maybe he'll see a different perspective than me.

[sadday-diary]

This dream of mine... I'm sure that that's someone else's body attached into that head, but oh boy it feels good to be wanted and loved. I'm not sure why it turns into his face instead of someone else who I talk with before sleep. But somehow I don't wanna wake up, I want to keep on dreaming, in dream land, I'm loved and wanted.

I've been this kind of depressed state, before it was I don't wanna wake up because I don't wanna live in a state where he's not exist with me. And now I don't wanna wake up because in my dream (a different) he's exist and love me. Maybe I just want to get out of this hell-ish life. I don't know anymore, but that dream is too good it hurts.

[sadday-diary]

I thought my hatred towards them is just a PMS thing, but now that PMS is done, my head is clear, I still hate them and want them to stop breathing soon.

I know there's bad parents, not everyone can be good, but to experiencing it happens is quite something. This parents of DH, not only a leech but also quite a devil. Telling DH to work a second job so they can live a better life is quite something.

You guys should've been grateful that DH want to accept and support your two unseful lazy ass, but still dare to ask him to work another job so you could live better life?? Oh the audacity.. No child ask to be born, especially if they have to work and facing hardship in life thanks to their parents stupid decision.

[sadday-diary]

I can't help thinking, he slowly start unloving me, today I ask for a long hug, and he ask why? He give me the hug, but it's not the usual feeling. And then when in bed going to sleep, he immediately give me the back and continue reading his manga. Not letting me be the bigger spoon or let me cuddle inside him.

Just when I start to accepting whatever happens, and let it the hurt go, trying to back to usual, maybe this is the beginning of what I wished. It's gonna be hurt, but just have to accept and embrace it. Life goes on my dear self, it's okay you can make it on your own. Just like Christopher Robin said: you're braver than you believe, stronger than you seems, smarter than you ever think, and loved more than you know. :_)