sadfeather

[sadfeather]

We've been together for 3h and a half and only now he thinks of kissing me

So if I don't initiate he just. Doesn't want them.

We used to kiss basically every 10 minutes. He initiated a lot of them at the time.

But now...

Does he even still love me ?

[sadfeather]

I think hearing him fake excitement to my texts triggered this

Like oh ok so you lie now ?

Also the lack of kissing for about a month too

[sadfeather]

I think hearing him fake excitement to my texts triggered this

Like oh ok so you lie now ?

Also the lack of kissing for about a month too

[sadfeather]

Weirdest most upsetting nightmare in a while

We both went to an event

We were separated/ put in different teams during the event

And then after the event I idk I followed my team and they all jumped in a car except me and they went back to their lives

And I realized oh crap yeah he's the one who I should be in the car with

So I called and I told him and I said idk why I thought we were going separately

Then the phone call stopped I thought my ear kinda tapped into something wrong like it happens sometimes so I called back. He answered

And he said oh I can't turn back I'm already at [relatively close place that's about 10min away top]

And it immediately clicked that something was off cause he would sometimes do an half an hour detour just to see even though it wasn't necessary me but he couldn't make a 10min detour when it basically meant I had to spend the night alone and outside??

But I brushed it off, I thought myabe he wasn't aware

I told him about the lack of buses or trains, how I didn't know anyone else there that could take me back, how grateful I'd be,how it didn't make sense to pay anything when we were going to the exact same place where we both lived

But he didn't sway

He started talking about broader stuff like how we should spend more time appart and how our activities together should only be like movies and a walk, how friendship suits us better

Now that would have been ok to hear.... But not as an excuse to let me spend a cold dark night alone outside in a completely unfamiliar place !!

Even if he wanted to be just friends, that's no way to treat a friend ?!!

And to tell me all that over the phone ??

Anyway I said oh so you're breaking up with me ?!

He stayed silent

I said ok, well just pick me up, I'll pack my stuff and go and you'll never hear of me again

He said he was tired and he was going to go now

And he hung up (again, possibly)

I was left there alone in the dark and unbroken

Tried to call again just to be ignored

Tried to call later and noticed some status like "Tired and sad" which I thought Who is this for ??? He never did that before so who was he communicating with

I then tried to call mutual friends, for them to call him since maybe he blocked me (it was way too early for airplane mode)

No luck

My only luck was that there was a bridge nearby

I called him one last time to tell him thank you for your time but it was my last try and evidently it didn't go well

I apologized for "anything that I have done that led you to be this cold and heartless"

I told him that I barely had any battery left in my phone anyway

And I told him about the bridge, about how I'd wait there about 10min in hope that he still cares enough to call me back

And I waited

For what seemed life forever

And nothing happened

I called him one last time

My last word were "I get it"

And I jumped

[sadfeather]

Not sure when it started

Because it was so innocent at first but something changed. What ? When ?

Flesh covered in bites

Her kisses. Her smell also.

Testing what is real what is good

Which relationship is better? Where are your morals ?

Man it's been a long night

All of my nights lately

It's a tribute to zombies of which I've become

Just replace zombies with cheaters lol

There's no way I'm headed there

Don't want to admit what he's doing. Pretending it's innocent and not. . That..

Where do I go from here ?

Yeah where ? Where will I live? What will happen to us ?

Clinging to promises

"I'll always love you, we're for life"

Fighting off the vignette

All the doubts and my gut screaming.. again

Tunnels cave, visions fade

Trying to rationalize what my intuition is telling me

Swallowed by the vignette

And yet..... It's with me 24/24

No no not me it's for a friend

"We're just friends"

Denial

Denial

[sadfeather]

He doesn't care anymore

[sadfeather]

For reasons unknown - the killers

[sadfeather]

Maybe I just didn't explain this clearly enough

Maybe he straight up ignored me

Maybe I'm overreacting

Maybe I'm too used to this and became too good at foreseeing

But my gut is telling me

Screaming

This cannot end well

[sadfeather]

Today he didn't wave me goodbye as I walked through the door

He didn't even look at me or gave me a little kiss

I didn't exist at that moment

He only said bye

He was on his phone

[sadfeather]

2 days ago the clock broke

Today it broke again

I used to consider it as my collar, proof I'm his

Idk what to think about this.

[sadfeather]

You'd rather be their second choice than my first choice...

[sadfeather]

So you DID Understand !! You KNEW it wasn't just about Work it was about spending more time together in general!! And yet you wanted my approval to....not do that. You ALREADY KNEW I wouldn't want that !! But you asked ! And asked ! And asked again ! What on earth? Why make me say it again ? We just talked about it this morning !!!!!

And now you say it wasn't important anyway and inconvenient and everything?

So you were about to knowingly make me feel lonely and sad for something unimportant and inconvenient?? Is that all time with me is worth to you ??? I'm worth less than something you then deem inconvenient/unimportant ?

Damn. What's happening to us ?!

[sadfeather]

So let me get this straight

- you said you wouldn't work over time this week

- but you were willing to spend about 2h away from me

- for something where you were a second choice

- And then another half an hour in order to be able to be away for 2 hours

- asked me multiple times for my approval

- the very day you said you would Not do any over time this week

- after multiple days telling you I wished we could be together more

Okay. That's very reassuring.

[sadfeather]

Me : Hey I feel like we don't spend enough time together

Me : Did you know that we spend less than a third of our time together during a weekday ?

Me : Plus, you've been working overtime a lot lately

Him : Yeah I won't be doing that this week don't worry

Me : I'm glad we'll be able to spend more time together this week !!!!

Him 2h later : Oh btw I'll have to stay until 7pm tomorrow is that ok ? It's ok right ? Is it ok ?

Is it ???? What do you think ??? After I mentioned how I wish we spent more time together every day this week ?

Why are you asking me ? Do I have to be the bad guy ?

[sadfeather]

It isn't even the first time I learn details about things We Had Already Discussed But You Didn't Give As Much Details

[sadfeather]

Why am I learning this only now ?

[sadfeather]

Are you ever invited with some people but then they just hang out with each other like you're not even there ? Yeah